Fallacy of searching for a Sisterwife from DanSmith's blog

I was feeling a little frustrated about a couple of things, so I thought I'd write them down. Not looking for praise or even approval if you're offended by it, just need to voice my thoughts.  FYI, this is Dan speaking.)

To start, I need to "set the table" a little...

My background is that I grew up in a polygamous family in Salt Lake City (I was raised as a fundamentalist Mormon). I was raised in a religious background where it was commonplace to have a couple of wives by your late 20's. There was an intense pressure to ensure you were living polygamy. If you didn't, something was probably wrong with you since you weren't striving to "live Gods law".

In the last few years, I've had a few experiences that changed my religious viewpoints. Mostly, it was understanding that God loves me, wants the best for me, and that He wants me to love others as He does... pretty simply, right? Well, I never really understood it until I came to the conclusion that God ACTUALLY loved ME as an individual. It's a simple thing, but I finally had experiences where I knew and understood that God loves me for me. The last few years of my life I've felt more like I'm walking in Gods steps than I ever have before. It has excited me more than I can describe! It's almost like I'm in a footrace and have just been given the ability to run. It's simply amazing.

As I dove into scripture, I kept uncovering more and more evidence against my belief structure on polygamy, being that it was a "requirement" to fulfill Gods law. As I read and understood scriptures in more detail ---even the words of our own early religious leaders--- I found that many instances of what our beliefs were founded upon weren't actually scriptural. It was simply someone's opinion which turned into "modern-day" prophecy (though I would call it dogma).

As it stands now I can see many instances where polygamy can be damaging for families. I grew up and saw families who weren't supported by the husband/father; I saw times where the mothers HAD to work because they couldn't rely on their husband; I saw children who never knew their father, and their father never knew them; I saw times where women, of their own choice, joined into families simply because it was the "correct" thing to do, though they knew they would never have a REAL family. Sure, they would have children and roommates, but it was never a cohesive family; I saw families where the fathers were simply chasing skirts, where women became a number that they could add to their achievement list.

Despite my viewpoints on polygamy changing, I can still find benefits in polygamy. As a man, it's my natural inclination to want to protect others. (Personally, I'm very protective of my family... Laura calls me the family guard dog, because I tend to act like a dog barking at everything that might be shown as even mildly aggressive towards my family.) As a husband, father, and protector, I feel it's my responsibility to offer a home/family to women/children in need. I can see the benefits for a woman who has come from a bad home, relationship, etc., being able to live in a nurturing home where she's accepted and loved for who she is. Some people have told me it sounds like a"charity" family, to which I say "YES, IT IS!". Do we not think it's charity that God allows us to live, breathe, eat, have families, and be allowed to make mistakes and find forgiveness? We might live in a society where charity is frowned upon, but Newsflash, our entire life is built upon it. Learn to accept it, be grateful when you receive it, and cherish when you can pass it on.
In essence, as God showed me in the past, I want to love others simply because I love THEM. Not because I love the "polygamy lifestyle", or because it's a requirement, but because I LOVE THEM.
A few weeks ago, I told God in prayer that I was happy, willing, and would volunteer opening up our home for another woman looking for a family if He desired it. I felt compelled to open an account here and at least put the "vibes" out to the universe as it were and see what happens. 

Since I've joined the website, I have felt very conflicted in how to approach the community, or even trying to make friends at times with women. I've heard from several ladies that they get inundated with messages from couples or families wanting to get to know them. Go figure, it's a dating site.... and while I'm sure it's generally innocent, I think most new-comers feel like a piece of meat being paraded around the dinner hall. I would wager that most ladies are coming here without much experience in polygamy, and while they might feel drawn to it, it's easy to get overwhelmed. Again, I'm sure it's generally innocent since most couples are probably excited about the lifestyle and want to share and love as I do, but I think it can muddy the water.

My whole purpose with getting onto this website was to open myself up and go through my own spiritual journey. I know that our family is open to the idea of adding to our family, but I don't want to pursue new relationships and force things to happen. I want things to happen because they are meant to. When/If the time ever comes that someone wants to join our family, I want it to be because we love them for them, and they love us for us. I want it to be honest, virtuous love.
I believe that you find what you are searching for in this life, good or bad. I want my pursuits to be good, honest, and for the betterment of my family and others. Yes, I want to find women and families that I can help by being a good husband/father to them. However, I don't think this is as simple as finding someone with a flat tire and changing it for them (cue Bill Murray in Groundhog Day). I want to open my life up to the possibilities, and know that when the time comes that it's meant to be.
So, how does all this come back to "searching for a Sisterwife"? I'm coming to the conclusion that searching out or trying to pursue new wives is backwards. While I plan on continuing being a part of this community, I am going to caution myself, and any others that need it, that we should keep our heads, morals, and sights held high. While it might be coming from a good place in most people's hearts, it's a new way of life for many women and I believe we should tap the brakes a little when someone new joins the website. Perhaps I have misconceptions from my past and seeing men pursue polygamy the way they did, but I have seen the same pursuit exhibited here in some degree or another.
If you truly desire the chance to open your home to a woman/family in need, it will come in time. Let's allow a safe space for women and their children to interview and research the polygamous lifestyle. Let them reach out and ask questions. If they're attracted to your family, allow them space to reach out and initiate contact. I'm afraid many women get turned off by the amount of responses they get, and see desperation more than optimism. Let's create a safe culture, give people freedom to explore, and honor their decisions if they pursue this lifestyle or not.


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DanSmith
Feb 27
Thanks Julie and Rob! Appreciate the feedback :) hopefully we all get the chance to serve in the capacity we desire!
Julie_Robby2603
Feb 28
So how do you actually find someone? We have not even found anything close. Everyone wants to chat with you but when you respond back they never respond. How do we handle that and proceed to find our forever partner? I'm so ready to give up on meeting that special addition to our family. Is this even possible for us? I have so many questions and wondering if this site is really for Sister Wives seeking a forever family. Is it just a game for most people? I'm so lost!!!!So how do you actually find someone? We have not even found anything close. Everyone wants to chat with you but when you respond back they never respond. How do we handle that and proceed to find our ...See more
DanSmith
Feb 28
You know, I guess that's the million dollar question. We have only been here on the website for a couple weeks, but we have run into the same thing. You chat with someone and next thing you know, you never hear back. I've talked with the owners of the website and I truly believe are doing this for good reasons. They are good people. That's where I'm not sure I'd its because curious ladies explore this and then get completely blasted and scared off, or if they are just poking around and don't have any serious intentions in pursuing the lifestyle. Its hard to say, because as you, I see the dilemma with holding back and not putting yourself out there. On the same hand, in my opinion the woman is really the "hunter" in this relationship because she has to find a family she resonates with. Horrible analogy, but it's kinda like selling a car to me... the sales guy who is pursuing you and being pushy tends to be the one you never buy from. But, you can't really sell the car unless you make an effort to get it out there... either way, it's a question I'm not quite sure how to answer. I know for us, we are just trying to be open and put the potential out there. But I'm not sure how much hope I have in our situation since we come from a mormon background and most people think we are Warren Jeffs followers lol (which we are absolutely not). In my opinion, and I'll have to pull into scripture so hopefully that's not too taboo here, it's kinda like how christ says that in order to gain your life, you have to lose it. I think that principle is true in many degrees. Sometimes you have to be willing to give up something you want in life, and be COMPLETELY willing to move on, before it comes your way. Anyway, I'm done with my rambling.... I feel your pain! We are there together!You know, I guess that's the million dollar question. We have only been here on the website for a couple weeks, but we have run into the same thing. You chat with someone and next thing you know, you ...See more
Julie_Robby2603
Feb 28
Yes, I to totally agree with everything you said. But, I would think it would much easier, well not easier but not as complicated as we had thought. We've put our all into finding our Forever Someone but just seems like their not really here for the right reasons. Or not the true reasons we are. Does that make sense? Well we have been on many sites and there is no way they are legit in my book anyway. They seem to be wanting everything but the "REAL DEAL". So like i said earlier they have to prove us wrong i guess. But until then, I'm about to give up on this.Yes, I to totally agree with everything you said. But, I would think it would much easier, well not easier but not as complicated as we had thought. We've put our all into finding our Forever Someone ...See more
DanSmith
Feb 28
Yeah, I hear you. I feel for your predicament, it's not easy when nobody else takes it serious. At least you have support from the people here that are going through it as well :)
gingerlove29
Feb 28
I really enjoyed reading this. you are a wonderful person and have a wonderful heart.
StationaryGypsy
Mar 1
I've been feeling inundated also. Thanks for sharing your background and perspective here. I'm here under the belief that if something is meant to be, nothing will be able to stop it. And that if it isn't meant to be, nothing will be able to force it. I like your idea that families should let whatever is going to happen happen, instead of acting desperate, which is how it appears for sure.I've been feeling inundated also. Thanks for sharing your background and perspective here. I'm here under the belief that if something is meant to be, nothing will be able to stop it. And that if it i...See more
DanSmith
Mar 1
Thanks for the insights everyone. I think it's great to share perspectives on this. I think we all generally want the same thing, and its helping me think in different ways.
Julie_Robby2603
Mar 1
(h)
northwoodsbear
Mar 28
This is just the nature of online dating. Women are inundated with messages. This isn't like talking face to face with a person. They're just going to ignore anyone they're not super interested in. And with so many inquiries their willingness to give those they do interact with a real chance goes down.This is just the nature of online dating. Women are inundated with messages. This isn't like talking face to face with a person. They're just going to ignore anyone they're not super interested in. An...See more
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