Day 188,341 from loveandgratitude's blog

Just kidding. Blah blah blah to come! Hmmm. I would like to start a blog about the experiences of a single woman who puts herself out there for love. There are a lot of us. We are doubted my many. Those who have come before us have broken a lot of hearts. We are questioned, even often interrogated. I suppose self-doubt is normal all the way around. Can you imagine things growing organically and openly? If you can, that’s great. Really, this needs to be done with resumes. People say things like about telling them your hobbies and how they will benefit the family in order to be “considered.” I just think it sounds funny. Considered. A job. Being a sister wife or in any form of polyamory is a job. We might as well be sitting in a waiting room with our lists of recommendations. And that goes on on both sides. I can try to wish it were different, but I guess this is our reality. Let’s do it with more warmth. Easier said than done. We get pressured. Sometimes we are inundated by emails. Sometimes we have zero. That almost compounds the feeling of pressure. On ourselves to be successful in love, loneliness. It’s like ”Hey wait, I am cute. Where did everybody go? How do I prove myself? Do I need to be cuter? Have more money? Where have I gone wrong?” It’s a silly thing, but so many of us feel it. Hmmmm. Plural love. Plural marriage. I was at dinner with the in-laws (if you read my profile, you’ll see I’ve been widowed 14 years. But the in-laws are always in-laws!). They started talking about polygamists in Utah. The typical talk: Disgust over FLDS. I looked over to my 17 year old daughter (who knows all about my beliefs and my search), and I opened my eyes widely to speak to her. I shaked my head. I thought, “Will you Stop speaking about the stereotypes from tv? This is different. What will happen when I meet the right family? Will they think I am even more of a weirdo? Will they talk about the Bible and monogamy? Will I have to go further into polygamy being normal in the Bible or keep my mouth shut? Will I just present it as ‘none of your business?’ Will they be disgusted?” That’s the internal pressure. Let. Me. Breathe. Love is freedom. Allowing oneself to believe in abundance. No limits to joy. Giving oneself the freedom to just live. Just be. Be love. Sigh. I know I am a romantic. But I am indeed alone. Climbing the rungs of self knowledge to the heights of sharing lives together. Those are my thoughts of the day.