Why some people ghost from Polywifen's blog

Let me just say first off, I dislike ghosting people, it feels rude, invalidating and goodness is it so hard to reply thank you but this is not what I am looking for *reasons optional?

I reply because I have this ridiculous traditional English attachment to 'manners' and although it doesn't stop my sarcasm by any means, it is so ingrained in me that I find it hard to ignore something or someone even when I know I probably should and this is what gets me into trouble, sometimes.

So many years ago as fresh faced new to poly woman I joined a Polygamy personals group that was very serious, I was told that all the potential wives were screened on the phone, so there was no chance of any fakery, catfishers (this is before the term was coined btw) and fraudsters.  I felt safe that I was only going to have the MOST serious of people contacting me.

That was a stupid assumption.

The very first person who pinged me was someone's grandfather thirty years my senior, my profile said 'Looking for a family with young children' what he offered was 'Our grandson comes to visit overnight once a fortnight'  

As you can imagine, my overly polite brain stressed itself into anxiety trying to find a polite response to him that protected HIS feelings and ego, because of course I did, I am a woman and that is what we are taught to do.

What I received was a litany of filthy abuse remarking on my body, looks, cleanliness and some sexualised insults that I am FAR too much of a lady to repeat. 

It was hurtful and alarming and shocking considering the great pains I took to be SO polite to him.  I was to learn two lessons that day 1) The people who ran that site were far more interested in the money that man was paying to be there, than who he insulted and 2) I shouldn't have bothered replying because any reply in the negative was going to make him angry.

And this is why some women ghost, because for some mentally and/or emotionally unstable men, the denial of a woman they want, will entice them to anger and some times harassment possibly into stalking.  

Before I upgraded my phone I had once had one man call me over 30x on repeat after I said No to a date.  I don't think he thought it would change my mind, I think he just was angry so wanted to punish me.  And I am a pretty niche woman in general.  I can't imagine what it is like for the more mainstream women and how much daily hassling they get because they dared to say No.  

SO ghosting amongst women is not always a sign of rudeness, it can be protective, it is avoiding the possibility of abuse, of having someone attack you, especially in aggressively sexualised ways, attacking your looks or combing through your profile or your previous conversations for any information to then attack you  i.e. 'Maybe if you were nicer you wouldn't have mental health issues'?  'You're such a B*tch, no wonder your husband left you'  'Maybe if you didn't dress like that, you would attract better men'  etc etc

So, just remember that when you next send out a message to someone, especially if you are not what they are looking for, they might wonder 'how is this person going to react'?  And if you ARE a person who can't control their emotions, please don't press send.

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By Polywifen
Added Jul 21 '22



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