Polywifen's blog

Let me just say first off, I dislike ghosting people, it feels rude, invalidating and goodness is it so hard to reply thank you but this is not what I am looking for *reasons optional?


I reply because I have this ridiculous traditional English attachment to 'manners' and although it doesn't stop my sarcasm by any means, it is so ingrained in me that I find it hard to ignore something or someone even when I know I probably should and this is what gets me into trouble, sometimes.


So many years ago as fresh faced new to poly woman I joined a Polygamy personals group that was very serious, I was told that all the potential wives were screened on the phone, so there was no chance of any fakery, catfishers (this is before the term was coined btw) and fraudsters.  I felt safe that I was only going to have the MOST serious of people contacting me.


That was a stupid assumption.


The very first person who pinged me was someone's grandfather thirty years my senior, my profile said 'Looking for a family with young children' what he offered was 'Our grandson comes to visit overnight once a fortnight'  

As you can imagine, my overly polite brain stressed itself into anxiety trying to find a polite response to him that protected HIS feelings and ego, because of course I did, I am a woman and that is what we are taught to do.


What I received was a litany of filthy abuse remarking on my body, looks, cleanliness and some sexualised insults that I am FAR too much of a lady to repeat. 


It was hurtful and alarming and shocking considering the great pains I took to be SO polite to him.  I was to learn two lessons that day 1) The people who ran that site were far more interested in the money that man was paying to be there, than who he insulted and 2) I shouldn't have bothered replying because any reply in the negative was going to make him angry.


And this is why some women ghost, because for some mentally and/or emotionally unstable men, the denial of a woman they want, will entice them to anger and some times harassment possibly into stalking.  


Before I upgraded my phone I had once had one man call me over 30x on repeat after I said No to a date.  I don't think he thought it would change my mind, I think he just was angry so wanted to punish me.  And I am a pretty niche woman in general.  I can't imagine what it is like for the more mainstream women and how much daily hassling they get because they dared to say No.  


SO ghosting amongst women is not always a sign of rudeness, it can be protective, it is avoiding the possibility of abuse, of having someone attack you, especially in aggressively sexualised ways, attacking your looks or combing through your profile or your previous conversations for any information to then attack you  i.e. 'Maybe if you were nicer you wouldn't have mental health issues'?  'You're such a B*tch, no wonder your husband left you'  'Maybe if you didn't dress like that, you would attract better men'  etc etc


So, just remember that when you next send out a message to someone, especially if you are not what they are looking for, they might wonder 'how is this person going to react'?  And if you ARE a person who can't control their emotions, please don't press send.


I have never ignored a message on a Poly site, even ones that are frustratingly void of any sort of intro, badly spelled and clearly not having read my profile, I have always answered, because I am polite, have I received the same courtesy?  No I haven't and the way I look at it now (and what I told a couple recently who told me that I am 'The ONLY one who answered them'  it is that 'No response is a no'  I do not like it, I hate it in fact, but no one deserves a response from an unsolicited interaction I suppose, much the same as someone who tries to chat you up in the street, I do believe it is probably for the best if you ignore them.  But if you engage in a nice interaction, what happens then, I am pretty sure people IRL don't behave how they do on the internet.


So, being on a fair few internet groups, personals sites and forums, I have written a lot of profiles, some are long, some are a bit shorter but generally when it comes to polygamy personals I make it clear that I am looking for POLYGYNY, that is a man who has separate marriages all under one family.  I am committed to the sister wife way of life and have no desire to be the filling in a couple sandwich.  (Sorry, not sorry).


So imagine my surprise when I was contacted by a couple who I know are looking for a triad, I should have known something was up because after me writing to them telling them I read their profile, five minutes later they asked me if I had read it.  So, these people are obviously not very observant, but I figured they just wanted to chat to people in Europe as most of the people on this site are American.  I love their country too, I have been a couple times and I am hoping to go again soon to seek out some family history so I was very happy to talk to them about where they live.


Then came the 'So are you looking for a triad'?  So I said 'Nope, I am only seeking polygyny'   (I mean, it's literally the first line of my 'Who I want to meet' paragraph) 


So their reply was 'This is not what we want, sorry we didn't read your profile before'  


Now, I do believe yes, they should be sorry, because it is bloody stupid to contact people with the information you want RIGHT THERE (and on that front, for pete's sake people, put this information in your profile) but am I writing this just to cathartically rant over people not reading profiles?


No, I don't see the point, I was contacted by a guy 20 years younger then me the other day, gleefully ignoring my age requests, people (mostly men, let's be honest) not reading profiles properly is a daily occurrence in my life.  


What piqued me and brought about this screed was what they did right after, they blocked me....


Why?


Did they think that I was so enamoured with our 5 minute conversation about the beauty of the Netherlands that I would harass them until they had changed their mind about Unicorn hunting?   


Did they believe that banning someone means they will no longer turn up in their searches?  (Ooooh they are SO mistaken on that one!!) 


Or are they, simply, selfish people, wanting it make it clear that now that 'they' are not interested in you, that you are undeserving of any sort of response to them, even if it is simply.  'Not a problem, good luck with your search with a little emoji at the end because I am nice like that


I wasn't interested in them already, I had read their profile, so why does it seem like they wanted to punish me for them not having done the same?  

Can we just ponder the irony of someone claiming how important it would be to have good communication to make a relationship work and that SAME person will block you for not a) seeing and b) responding to a message to them after THIRTY MINUTES!!!?  It really does make you wonder how self aware (and lack thereof) some people are who advertise themselves here.  For better or worse, I know myself pretty well,  I can be blunt and very sarcastic, I generally think I balance the line between funny and I am very careful not to offend those who might do something innocent or in jest.  In other words, I try to not let my words hurt UNLESS I want to, which is goes back to my bluntness and inability to ignore when I think something is wrong.  

But that's a long story and trying to learn to ignore better is a process I am working on. ;o)


Regardless,  as I said, I know myself, know my limits, know my wants and what I can and cannot handle.  I wonder how many people have really pondered how they really behave, how they are in and out of relationships, how they argue and indeed, how they communicate.


Or do they, as so many people who sign up in these groups do, feel that 'everything will work out fine with the RIGHT person'  thereby leaving the onus on the other person to fill in those relationship skills gap that these people invariably have.

One thing I have noticed is that a lot of people can't handle constructive criticism and react very defensively to it. All I can say to it is, if you can't handle a bit of online criticism, you DEFINITELY cannot handle polygamy.  This is not the life for the very sensitive. 
I have had a couple of conversations about religion recently that has rather put me on the spot.  Truth is, this is a large cultural difference that can be hard for Americans especially to get their heads around.  Fact is, we in Europe are usually very secular, those who are religious tend to practice our faith in a much more private way.  As I do, you have to know me really well to know of my religion at all, I don't talk about it unless asked, I am not coy about it, it is just not at the forefront of my mind all the time.


We don't feel that everyone needs to be religiously involved in everything we do, any more than our family needs to be involved in our hobbies for example.  It is a bonus, not an imperative.  I know that is strange for really religious people to understand, but it is not unusual here to have interfaith relationships, it can be quite common. 


I haven't put religion as something that is an important match factor, it isn't important that my future spouse thinks the same as me, what IS important is that he knows I don't share his faith and to respect that, this is all.


I won't appreciate being preached to, being expected to take part in worship, listening to nightly readings from a religious book I don't believe in or attempts to convert me (I won't work regardless and will just upset us both).  So, just be aware, if sharing a faith is important to you, we will not be a good match, if sharing a life in all other ways is more important to you, if having a wife fully devoted to you and the rest of the family is, than please contact me.  


x

I have been on a polygamous journey for over a decade now. I started investigating non monogamy and polyamory first, but decided the frequent partner changes and lack of permanence bothered me,  I wanted stability, I wanted a life with someone, not just a hobby relationship.  Back then, it was my understanding that polygamy was for only certain religions (Mormons and Muslims) and not for the rest of us so I thought it would not be for me.  But then came the internet message groups.  I started off on a yuku group not long after Big Love started airing (yes, I have been on the polynet WAAAAAYYYY too long) and finally found a home, a place where people were interested in Polygamy (mostly Polygyny) who were all different faiths (and none) and we were all new and ignorant, it was delightful.


I met my poly family on there when I was still new and ignorant. 

At this point I would usually make a joke about it 'not ending well' but tbh I think it ended fairly well, I went through a lot of negatives, but I also learnt a lot, grew and I have an even more enriched life now than I might have had, had I not gone through it so for that, I would say.  It went well enough.


Back to the polyweb then, not ready to seek but more in an advisory role while I healed and recovered.  I put most of my energy into my family and having a happy life.  


So now, many years later, I consider myself a bit of a single woman poly advocate, I am the loudmouth who challenges the anti polygamist narrative that claims that women are brainwashed into polygamy and they don't 'love themselves'.  I also advise couples against couple privileged behaviour which can be othering towards us single Potentials and leads to the destruction of healthy polygamous relationships (been there.....) If I say or have said anything to you, please don't take it badly, I see things from a singleton's point of view and it is important to know our mindset and how things might look to us, I am trying to help, not upset anyone.


I am very close to my extended family although we live in separate countries, I hope you would want to meet them though,  I have lived in many places in my Nation  (UK) and also spent a significant amount of time in the United States and my family live in Central Florida, if you are a great lover of the Disney/theme park experience, you will definitely be getting those holidays with me.  That being said, I do prefer staying on this side of the Atlantic for myriad reasons, but will move if the person/people and conditions are right.  I am especially fond of Canada, PNW and NZ sooooo I must have a thing for rain. ;o))


What I am seeking ideally is a classic polygynous relationship with a husband and wife/ves. Or a single poly minded man who I could be a first wife to and we can then build up our polygamous family from scratch.  I have zero interest in bedsharing or threesomes so no triads at all please.  I am not materialistic, I don't care if you are a bin man or a business man, I am not after riches, I am after a man who is strong, passionate, kind and likes to laugh.  Loves and emotionally invests in his family, child friendly and treats women and children with respect, not as slaves of his household. 


I am 5'10 and full figured/curvy, so you have to be into that I daresay. I am not necessarily looking for a man taller, but it is a benefit because I like to look up to a man, but with all else being equal, I don't really care that much. I tend to go for quite pale men, the ones who go red in the sun, with blue eyes and a warm smile. If during the summer you get lobster comparisons, we might be a match! Mentally fit and more positive than negative as I am a bit sensitive to emotions and find depressives draining. Honesty is of extreme importance to me, so if you are in the habit of lying to avoid confrontation, please pass me by.  I don't mind facial hair, a receding pate or beer gut, I am not looking for Adonis, I am looking for a good man and with confidence comes sex appeal. 


For my part, I love to treat my man like a King, to indulge and please him, tempered by a bit of lighthearted teasing j to keep him honest! ;o)  I like to go out and experience cultural things or family things. Not really much of a club type/nightlife. I prefer to spend time together in the evenings, talking together, eating and drinking in the mediterranean style manner into the late evening.   My hobbies include historical reenactments, costuming, watching films and geeky culture.  I love historical cooking too, though only plant based so no, the wild boar will not be on the menu!!  

I think spending time in each dyad is important though, but I am flexible with how those dates go, doesn't have to be night time, doesn't have to be something romantic.  It's just about building on our emotional intimacy and touching base.  Going out to eat, see a film or walking around a museum is fun for me, things need not be too structured or expensive, I just would like to spend time with you.


With regards to sister wives I do consider myself a woman's woman.  In that I value female friendships and crave that emotional connection in my life and family.  I am somewhat extroverted but  not emotionally overbearing, I have cultivated a very useful model to process jealousy and I would hope you have done some work with that yourself so as not to make it a big issue.  I am also into clear, honest communication.  There will be no expectation of telepathy with me, no giving the cold shoulder or dropping passive aggressive hints.  I will always be honest with you and expect the same in return.  I like spending time doing girlie things, I will paint your nails or dye your hair if you asked, I will gladly mix cocktails and watch that terrible romcom he didn't want to watch with you OR if you just want to sit and read your book alone, I will respect that,  it is about respecting the woman YOU are, not trying to force you into being the woman I want!


What I love seeing in profiles 

'Honesty is important' 'Love children' 'not looking for a specific type, just the right person' 'loyal' 'equality'.


What I dislike seeing in profiles


'Seeking a female'  'want a third' 'why is it so hard to find a woman?'  'looking to add to are (our) relationship'  'no kids/divorcees/single mothers' 'must be willing to have children for us' 'you must send me a full length picture and an essay on why i should pick you to be considered to be a part of my harem' and finally 'I am in charge of this profile, you must please me before I will let you talk to my husband because I can't trust him to make good decisions'...... 


Plus those who are racist, sexist or any ist who thinks just because I value a traditional type of relationship myself, that I insist that all women should be forced to live a way that doesn't suit them.  Any indication that your woman is not into polygamy and you are forcing her into it by threats of infidelity and a history of such with her making her fear a recurrence of such behaviour. Any desire for hierarchy amongst the wives, I have no interest in junior/secondary wife status or being treated as a concubine. I will forever be grateful to a first wife who was so kind as to want to share an amazing man with me, she would be a true Queen, but our status in the home will be equal, even if she will get the outside legal validation. 


So anyway, I hope this helps you understand me a bit, I am rather a big mouth poly woman on social media but don't let that scare you, I am just a woman who is open, passionate and a bit sarcastic, but most of it is tongue in cheek.  If anything connects with you, please do say hello.


Kind regards,

Natasha

2020

In quarantine black mirror episode

London, UK

xx




I am not looking to be 'added' to someone's life, I am not an extra or a thing.  I am a person, I have a life and family, I want a connection, I want a blending and joining together.  You will be brought into MY family just as much as I am brought into yours.


I am not an addition. 


Please be aware of the language you use, you are objectifying us and you don't even know it.


xx

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