Polywifen's blog

Let me just say first off, I dislike ghosting people, it feels rude, invalidating and goodness is it so hard to reply thank you but this is not what I am looking for *reasons optional?

I reply because I have this ridiculous traditional English attachment to 'manners' and although it doesn't stop my sarcasm by any means, it is so ingrained in me that I find it hard to ignore something or someone even when I know I probably should and this is what gets me into trouble, sometimes.

So many years ago as fresh faced new to poly woman I joined a Polygamy personals group that was very serious, I was told that all the potential wives were screened on the phone, so there was no chance of any fakery, catfishers (this is before the term was coined btw) and fraudsters.  I felt safe that I was only going to have the MOST serious of people contacting me.

That was a stupid assumption.

The very first person who pinged me was someone's grandfather thirty years my senior, my profile said 'Looking for a family with young children' what he offered was 'Our grandson comes to visit overnight once a fortnight'  

As you can imagine, my overly polite brain stressed itself into anxiety trying to find a polite response to him that protected HIS feelings and ego, because of course I did, I am a woman and that is what we are taught to do.

What I received was a litany of filthy abuse remarking on my body, looks, cleanliness and some sexualised insults that I am FAR too much of a lady to repeat. 

It was hurtful and alarming and shocking considering the great pains I took to be SO polite to him.  I was to learn two lessons that day 1) The people who ran that site were far more interested in the money that man was paying to be there, than who he insulted and 2) I shouldn't have bothered replying because any reply in the negative was going to make him angry.

And this is why some women ghost, because for some mentally and/or emotionally unstable men, the denial of a woman they want, will entice them to anger and some times harassment possibly into stalking.  

Before I upgraded my phone I had once had one man call me over 30x on repeat after I said No to a date.  I don't think he thought it would change my mind, I think he just was angry so wanted to punish me.  And I am a pretty niche woman in general.  I can't imagine what it is like for the more mainstream women and how much daily hassling they get because they dared to say No.  

SO ghosting amongst women is not always a sign of rudeness, it can be protective, it is avoiding the possibility of abuse, of having someone attack you, especially in aggressively sexualised ways, attacking your looks or combing through your profile or your previous conversations for any information to then attack you  i.e. 'Maybe if you were nicer you wouldn't have mental health issues'?  'You're such a B*tch, no wonder your husband left you'  'Maybe if you didn't dress like that, you would attract better men'  etc etc

So, just remember that when you next send out a message to someone, especially if you are not what they are looking for, they might wonder 'how is this person going to react'?  And if you ARE a person who can't control their emotions, please don't press send.

I have never ignored a message on a Poly site, even ones that are frustratingly void of any sort of intro, badly spelled and clearly not having read my profile, I have always answered, because I am polite, have I received the same courtesy?  No I haven't and the way I look at it now (and what I told a couple recently who told me that I am 'The ONLY one who answered them'  it is that 'No response is a no'  I do not like it, I hate it in fact, but no one deserves a response from an unsolicited interaction I suppose, much the same as someone who tries to chat you up in the street, I do believe it is probably for the best if you ignore them.  But if you engage in a nice interaction, what happens then, I am pretty sure people IRL don't behave how they do on the internet.

So, being on a fair few internet groups, personals sites and forums, I have written a lot of profiles, some are long, some are a bit shorter but generally when it comes to polygamy personals I make it clear that I am looking for POLYGYNY, that is a man who has separate marriages all under one family.  I am committed to the sister wife way of life and have no desire to be the filling in a couple sandwich.  (Sorry, not sorry).

So imagine my surprise when I was contacted by a couple who I know are looking for a triad, I should have known something was up because after me writing to them telling them I read their profile, five minutes later they asked me if I had read it.  So, these people are obviously not very observant, but I figured they just wanted to chat to people in Europe as most of the people on this site are American.  I love their country too, I have been a couple times and I am hoping to go again soon to seek out some family history so I was very happy to talk to them about where they live.

Then came the 'So are you looking for a triad'?  So I said 'Nope, I am only seeking polygyny'   (I mean, it's literally the first line of my 'Who I want to meet' paragraph) 

So their reply was 'This is not what we want, sorry we didn't read your profile before'  

Now, I do believe yes, they should be sorry, because it is bloody stupid to contact people with the information you want RIGHT THERE (and on that front, for pete's sake people, put this information in your profile) but am I writing this just to cathartically rant over people not reading profiles?

No, I don't see the point, I was contacted by a guy 20 years younger then me the other day, gleefully ignoring my age requests, people (mostly men, let's be honest) not reading profiles properly is a daily occurrence in my life.  

What piqued me and brought about this screed was what they did right after, they blocked me....


Did they think that I was so enamoured with our 5 minute conversation about the beauty of the Netherlands that I would harass them until they had changed their mind about Unicorn hunting?   

Did they believe that banning someone means they will no longer turn up in their searches?  (Ooooh they are SO mistaken on that one!!) 

Or are they, simply, selfish people, wanting it make it clear that now that 'they' are not interested in you, that you are undeserving of any sort of response to them, even if it is simply.  'Not a problem, good luck with your search with a little emoji at the end because I am nice like that

I wasn't interested in them already, I had read their profile, so why does it seem like they wanted to punish me for them not having done the same?  

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