StationaryGypsy's blog

The wind carries the dust

Up from the fields of yucca and sage
And through the white canyon
The rain cleanses, renews

Terrified to look too far east
And lose sight of something great
Or to look too far west
And glance over the warnings

The seasons move upon the land
Colors change
Time marches
All of the creatures breathe
It would seem it is the Wilderness
Who is the master of all balance
Nothing lost that isn't gained
Short days, or long waits
High desert, or down low
There is a truth my heart knows
It is love
That outlives all

         I was 14 years old. A girl from the nearest city was spending the night with me for the first time, and she was trying to understand who my "Aunt" (other mom) was and what her capacity in my life was. I wanted to tell her... but the FLDS Texas raids had just happened, and my family huddled around the TV most days watching, scared.

         As the night wore on, I finally told "Maury" there was something my parents could go to jail for. She encouraged I go on. She promised she'd never tell a soul. I explained I had two moms; my Dad loved and was spiritually married to both. It was the first time I had ever talked about polygamy to someone outside of my family.
         Two days later, another girl from the city, "Taylor", sent me a message. She explained she was a mutual friend of Maury's. She warned me not to trust Maury, because since she got home from her weekend with me, she had told at least a dozen people what I shared with her.
         Now, this Taylor girl seemed cool.
         A week later, we introduced our mothers and arranged for her to spend a weekend with me. We walked around my hometown our first night together talking about all the things that irritated us about girls our age. The nonstop drama, petty bickering, arguments over whose best friend is whose. As we discussed our ideas about what Friendship through Adolescence could be like: we were unknowingly writing an honor code for a friendship that would last the rest of our lives. In its simplest form, what it boiled down to was this.

-If we are friends, we know that we love each other. That is established.
-If there is love, we know that there is not malice. We would neverintentionally do anything to hurt the other.
-Our emotions are valid. If one of us is feeling hurt by the other, there is a valid reason for it: but the reason was always accidental.  
-Though it may be accidental: accident does not absolve responsibility. The pain should be voiced aloud and resolved together, rather than bottled in.
-Futhermore, we desire to know anything we may have done that caused pain to the other: so that we understand one another more, and can take care that it doesn't happen again.
-The resolution and peace can and should be reached without spirits of accusation or blame between us.

         The foundation Taylor and I laid at 14 has carried us through 11 years of sisterhood without a single fight. Our communication policies prevent fights before they have the chance to happen because we peacefully navigate any hint of disharmony together. Through our teen years when girls our age were bickering incessantly and changing their mind about who their Best Friend was on a weekly if not daily basis: Taylor and I remained blissfully drama free, stuck like glue, and eternally thankful for the safety in our connection. We always said that Best Friend was just a label that meant nothing to our generation. Our focus was less on labels, and more on offering the best versions of ourselves to a friendship, while simultaneously creating a safe space for us to retreat on those days when we couldn't be our best.
         I hope some of you will find this story useful as you lay your sisterhood relationship foundations.

So I was raised in a quite harmonious plural marriage, my mothers are best friends, and I have always been inspired by their relationship at my deepest levels. I consider myself marvelously fortunate to have grown up with not one, or two, but three individuals nurturing me: and made myself a student of that example throughout my life.
My divorce from my ex finalized in May 2015 when I was 21, and I've been a single mother to my two kids ever since. Our relationship was monogamous, and he's out of the picture completely.
I've tried to get to know 4 couples throughout the 4 years I've been a single mom. I'm finding a pretty unique challenge with plural dating. Seems that in today's world it's hard enough to find one person you're truly compatible with. Finding two or more? Yeesh. I've fallen in love with polygamist men but not had compatibility with their wife or wives, while on the other hand, I've found my absolute soul-sister and lifelong best friend in a plural wife but had no compatibility or connection with her husband. Add into this mix that I've got two kiddos and we share a pretty comfortable life together. So they'd have to be compatible with both individuals as well. 
Honestly, I've given up. I'm taking 2019 to build my career and refine my parenting even further.  The kids and I have had quite a few heartaches and I've decided we're content alone.
But then there's another part of me whisperin' don't close yourself off, don't give up hope for a miracle. That whisper is why this profile is here on this site.
Here's the dream, and it's a bit far fetched.
-A husband I've got an instant connection with. That feeling of familiarity that seems to suggest we already knew each other before we came to this Earth.
-A sister that I can grow old with, raising babies and grandbabies, laughing about that difficult man of ours. Her and I will show the world that Soul Mates don't always have to come in the form of a lover. They can be in the form of an animal, a place, and in our case: a best friend and sister in marriage. 
-These two (or more) people and their children falling in love with my boys, and feeling a calling to adopt them, and raise them with me with the same love they have for their own biological children.

Unfortunately these aren't just wants, they are the very few things I am unwilling compromise on: they are needs. I have done a whole lot of settling. I don't know if what the kids and I need exists. But if it doesn't, then I'll keep on keepin' on alone because I cannot settle ever again. Doing so is a disservice to all involved.
I'll try to keep a little bit of an ember of faith burning in the fireplace, and leave this profile here to see if the man upstairs decides to work a miracle.
Next post, I'll write some about what I can offer a family or relationship. What I bring to the table.



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