Family Matters | Forum

My view is that certain high-level rules and guidelines would be handled by the man and some rules would be open for a discussion. The only way to harmony is to communicate and understand the wants of each person and find a comfortable middle ground.

Sure understood, But shouldn't there be a say agreement orr a discussion or would you think its just IE: your rule? theres a reason I ask this as being curious to what others think thanks for your response

Group here, not a couple. Earle responding, with additional insight from Molly.

On personal issues, we talk things out, when there are issues. Because let us be honest, there will be issues. We work towards a resolution. This is one advantage polygamy has over classical relationships; the buy in is deeper with more people, the support network is stronger.

Bigger financial stuff we discuss as a group, get sign off from everyone involved. Same goes for other big direction changes. Smaller scale stuff, like what groceries to buy or when to do an oil change, we just take care of as needed. No need for a consensus and it gets in the way of individual decision making. 

We group care for the kids, so there is not as much distinction between whose child is whose. Diapers need changing, kids need help with school, we just kind of step in where we can make the most impact. Discipline we have agreed to back each other on, 100%, even if we do not agree at the time. In the rare cases where this happens, we discuss it afterwards. One cannot have a fractured front on parenting. It is unfair to the kids and creates instability, in my opinion.

I am relied upon to make decisions in a crisis, it is kind of part of the job. Not because I am male, that is just how it works out in our particular circumstances. I am pretty good at it, or I would defer to another person. I think it helps for there to be a person who is to be relied upon, someone to be The Decider when the situation calls for it.

Well Earle,

I see things that way as well, Its ok for others to have a different opinion, I was just curious, If someone were to say that a child at 17 only had 2 months to find a Poly husband and if not one would be arranged for her would you feel that would be appropriate for your children? TO me I would think that Olive had a choice in her life over Monogamy or Poly? Just curious really is all.  

No. My kids are being raised to be adults. Adults can make their own decisions. My children may not agree with me on politics, religion, may have a different sexuality preference, they may choose to not get married or have children at all. That would be their free choice. I can guide them in a way that seems proper to myself, to help prepare them to decide on their own how they are going to live the rest of their lives. But it ultimately remains their choice.

Would have to agree 100% with you on this Earle, 

Egalitarian is the way to go. I normally lead discussions but everyone has equal input and decisions are made together. We talk it out till everyone is happy with the outcome.

Quote from Jojo I have a question for all of the couples, When joining a family, How many of you believe that the men/ husband of the house makes all the rules, and how many believe it should be a combined discussion for decisions? I understand this world, My question is when you know its not a match you walk away, but im curious to see what couples believe as to who makes the rules if anyone?

Well it gos both ways sometimes things ain't easy but somone have to be smart if things get really bad give each other space take a walk or hit the gym when both parties are not mad like adults u sit down and talk about it then never try to repeat always be open to new things and that's how is done

I agree with the talk together and always be open to new things. You don't to you try it first then you can decide if you like or not.

Thank you all for the feedback. I had to take a break for a few weeks, needed some space to figure out a few things but im back I hope you are all well. 

I see things much differently. But then again I maybe the only one here of my faith. In my faith when a man marries he gives his wife a set of keys symbolising her domain, the house. She is the property owner because we, the men, tended to die at a young age. Now, where a poly relationship is concerned it would be the responsibility of the wives to manage the day to day affairs of the household. While my faith was nearly destroyed early on in the 2nd century CE, it is having s resurgence. So we end up discussing more now than our ancestors did. We are paving the way for future generations.

What my wife and I are looking for is complete equality. Rules and huge decisions 

If you are an established family and have already a set of rules, then you should carry on that way, but before the commitment the new family member should know that those rules are not setup to make her life difficult

but rather setup because it suited the family situation before her (especially if has been going for over 10 years). She will ask all the questions she like and know everything there is to know, and will be let in on the day to day. To be successful, one must run the family like a company; LOL there is a CEO, and different departments and they do different things. No first wife is the same and no newcomer is the same. The new comer might want to stay home, then here role will be household and family, she wants to work then the home responsibilities have to be divided equally. Each situation is different.
If you love and trust the family, the family will be there for you, there is nothing to be afraid about; even jealousy and issues should be discussed openly. exactly like when you go to work for a new company, you sit down read their their boarding documents, and process and negotiate and if you don't like the deal no one will hold you by the sleeve. This is a loving home situation; if something is important to you it should be important to all of us, but we both need to know things upfront so everyone is ready and fully functional for the better of the framily, you can't come up with something different everyday and make it so important to you that the rest of the family is constantly jumping hoops to make you happy. You should be happy on your own and should be ready to share your happiness and the family's happiness. my humble opinion.

Quote from Jojo I have a question for all of the couples, When joining a family, How many of you believe that the men/ husband of the house makes all the rules, and how many believe it should be a combined discussion for decisions? I understand this world, My question is when you know its not a match you walk away, but im curious to see what couples believe as to who makes the rules if anyone?

We believe that all major life decisions should be made together. Just like any other marriage.  

JoJo - "If someone were to say that a child at 17 only had 2 months to find a Poly husband and if not one would be arranged for her "

Arranged marriage is practiced around the world and is not in itself a bad thing. Children in other countries or cultures look forward to being arranged into a marriage.

On the other hand marriage by definition requires consent otherwise it is just rape. Forced marriage is wrong.

It looks like what you are describing is forced marriage. I and most civilized people would be opposed to it.

We believe that decisions need to made by everyone as it affects everyone in the group. How ever things like groceries ect are just done. If a problem with one wife about another then it would be brought up to me then we would all discuss it as it may not be as easy to talk about things with the sister wife. But everyone is equal and arranged marriages are not part of who we are.