How to Tell if Your Partner is Serious About Polygamy

Apr 27 '2021, 4:33 PM | By Chris

In the poly dating world, sometimes it feels like just setting up a legitimate date is half the battle. Casual dating is great if that’s what you’re looking for, but as a polygamist, you’re probably only looking for something serious. Here are some signs of what to look for when figuring out if your newest partner is serious about polygamy - and about you.

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Their Actions Match Their Words

When you’ve found someone who is serious about polygamy, the most obvious sign is that their actions align with their words. If you set a date with them, you know you can rely on them to show up. Too often, we find ourselves accepting partners who don’t value our time and effort. Setting a date with someone who isn’t serious about you usually feels like a tentative plan, even if neither of you has expressed this.

Sure, sometimes things come up. Some people do have crazy jobs and/or schedules. However, this doesn’t excuse them if they constantly reschedule or forgetting dates. It also doesn’t excuse them if they continuously don’t call or text when they say they will. The fact is, if someone is serious about joining your poly family, they’ll make time.

This goes both ways. If a partner acts loving and seems very interested in you while on your date, but says they don’t know when (or if) they’ll be ready to commit, listen to them. If they’re meant to join your family, they’ll find their way back to you when they’re ready. This can be hard to do, but you can’t force something to work that’s just not meant to be. Any time spent trying to do so is just time taken away from finding the right poly partner.

They Make You Part of Their Life

Someone who is serious about you shows this by introducing you to their lives. They’ll want to take you to their favorite places and to meet their favorite people. It’s important to ask about your partner’s friends and family toward the beginning of your courtship. If they say they aren’t ready to talk about it, that’s totally fine. Not everyone has a good relationship with their families and/or a steady group of friends.

Maybe they have children from a previous relationship. Maybe they just need a little more time before they feel certain enough about your relationship to meet your spouse(s) and/or other partner(s). Some things take time, which is totally understandable! The key thing to look for here is if they’re giving you insight into why and expressing intent to making this a goal to meet together. For example, “I would love for my kids to meet you, but it’s important to me to be super cautious when it comes to who is in their lives. Let me think about a timeline for you to meet them that I’d be comfortable with.”

However, at a certain point in your relationship, your partner should begin to grow more and more comfortable telling you things about themselves. It’s always important to respect people’s boundaries, but someone who isn’t ready to be open with you may not be ready for the kind of commitment a polygamist marriage takes. The point is, in a serious relationship, you have to show you’re ready to work toward merging your lives together.

They Talk About Your Future

Think about going on a first date. How do you know if it went well? If you make plans to see each other again. Keyword: Plans. The more serious you get about one another, the further out your plans for the future should go. These don’t have to be huge, life-changing plans. Just things that move your relationship forward.

They’ll want to know what your plans are, too. They show this by asking questions about your long-term goals like: Are you planning to have any (more) children? Do you see yourself living in this area for a long time? These are questions that most people would feel comfortable asking in the first few conversations with you if they’re looking for someone to settle down with.

Someone who is ready to commit to a long-term poly relationship or marriage with you will show this by taking the right steps forward. They might need guidance on what those steps should be, but they should show that they want to work on moving forward together. When each partner in the relationship is committed to it long-term and knows how to communicate, setting milestones should come naturally. If planning your future feels one-sided on your end, or finding out what they want from your relationship next feels like pulling teeth, then they probably are not ready to get serious.

They Move at a Healthy Pace

Every relationship timeline looks different, but a serious partner won’t drag out each phase. They also won’t rush into anything. If they aren’t sure about becoming poly, that is their decision to make. It’s definitely something that might require a bit of thought. It’s important that you know and express that to them. Otherwise, they may freeze and struggle to make a decision, or jump into something their heart isn’t really in.

A healthy pace includes lots and lots of communication for everyone involved. Eventually, your other partners will need to weigh in on what steps work for your family. Integrating a new partner into the mix can be both a loving and stressful time. Make sure you, your new partner, and current partner(s) are all on the same page!

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