So You Met A Poly Virgin

Aug 16 '2019, 5:12 PM | By Chris

Polygamy dating, along with any polyamorous dating, will expose you to an enormous diversity of people. Getting to know so many different backgrounds and cultures on an intimate level is just one of the rewards of a polyamorous lifestyle. Learning about all the different approaches a person can take toward relationships is yet another bonus that may even convince you to evolve and expand your own ideas about relationships. For anyone that has been dating in the polygamous or polyamorous world a while, the wealth of experience is invaluable. There will be times, however, you will meet a poly virgin. This is someone that is new to any concept of a plural relationship and they’ll be lacking much understanding about how it works. A lot of experienced people, understandably, won’t date someone so new. There are risks of dealing with dramas and hang ups that more experienced poly people wouldn’t think of. If you do choose to date a poly virgin, here are some things to keep in mind. 

Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. There’s no reason to believe there is no chance of the relationship going anywhere, but there is every reason to be prepared for the end. When a woman is first in the process of becoming a sister wife, it should only be expected she will take some time to really know herself well enough to know what she wants from a polygamist family. Same for anyone that is fresh to any form of a polyamorous relationship. It takes time and consideration for a person to know themselves well enough to have a good chance to make a plural relationship last. Accepting their flaws and shortcomings will keep you both happier for the duration of your involvement. 

Don’t be afraid to remain direct about what you expect, and to coach a poly virgin a little. This is not to suggest you treat someone with no interest in being submissive like a sub. It’s about reminding yourself you were once new to the experience and should know enough to provide solid advice about self discovery. Polyamory is about multiplying love in the world, not about enforcing your own agendas. You’ll have to take the lead and know when to call it quits if you realize your poly virgin is not right for you and they simply don’t see it like you do. Be clear, be direct, be kind, and offer your continued support, as a friend, on their journey. As they evolve they’ll understand your reasons and will appreciate you for pushing them to grow. If they circle back and have grown into someone right for you in time, go for it! Embracing the ebb and flow of life and love is a big key to long term happiness. 

Be consistent about reinforcing the polyamorous aspect of the relationship. A person that is new to poly or polygamy dating might slip back into their old monogamous mindset very easily if allowed. There is no need to be crude, but it is very important that you discuss other love interests, partners, or dates you’ve been on regularly. You may even want to make sure a sister wife comes on some of the dates with you, or another of your partners if you’re polyamorous. Keeping the poly virgin from developing monogamous desires for you will save you both a heap of trouble. If they do start to express a desire to claim you as their own, be gentle, but end the relationship. Some people are only trying poly or polygamy dating because nothing else is working. Don’t fall victim to a person that’s only desperate for any kind of relationship they can find. You’ll both grow old and miserable because they refuse to take control of their own life and goals. You’ll constantly feel guilty if you continue dating others while knowing you’re hurting someone you claim to love. It will never work, get away.

Don’t forget about your own evolution. There are expectations attached to any kind of relationship. Polygamists generally expect a more traditional family living situation, polyamorous people often still have a gender preference, and trying to have an intimate relationship with almost everyone you know would be absurd. There are limits! Nothing in life comes without expectations. However, you can meet expectations and still be evolving while encouraging your lovers to evolve as well. Just because you consider yourself traditional, and find a sister wife that is perfect for you and your family, doesn’t mean you should limit her interests with your other sister wives. If your sister wives express an intimate interest in each other, why would you limit them from it? If they become involved it only means your family is growing closer to each other. Let them grow. If you’re a polyamorous couple and your boyfriend expresses an interest in a man, why would you say no? Having multiple people of the same gender involved in a poly relationship only makes sense, and it should be allowed for both genders. Just as you should encourage a poly virgin to find themselves, and follow their hearts, you should also encourage your lovers to grow toward whatever it is that makes them whole. If this makes you uncomfortable, there are people out there that will agree with you, but developing resentment because of a little discomfort over something new isn’t a healthy way to live. 

Ultimately, everyone in the polygamous and polyamorous world needs to help each other be the best and happiest they can be. Approaching each other with compassion, self awareness, empathy, and respect will never lead anyone down the wrong path. Everyone was a virgin somewhere along the way. Think back to the people that helped you most and emulate them today. Think back about what you needed from people along your journey and be that for someone else. You can be bold, direct, and clear about who you are, and what you want, without losing a sense of humility and respect for others. Teaching a poly virgin how to be their best self is a gift that will keep on giving.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:


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