Fresh Starts For Poly Hearts

Aug 31 '2020, 1:49 PM | By Chris

Sometimes life throws too much to handle your way. Things start piling up and it feels like you’re in a deadlock. It can happen at work, with life, love, or even with basic chores around the house. There are times in life where a fresh start is the only way to get the ball rolling again. Needing to clear your queue doesn’t mean you’re lazy or inept, it means you’re human. Splurging $60 for a cleaner to get your house up to par or hiring someone for a day to help you catch up at work are easy answers for the overwhelmed, but what about everything that can stack up between you and the people you love? How do polyamorous groups or families hit reset? Does polygamy allow for individuals to get the fresh start they may need? What does starting over look like for people in plural relationships?

To deny the need for an occasional fresh start no matter the nature of the relationship you’re in is to deny living in reality. It’s not healthy. We all eventually have to learn that taking time for ourselves is not a selfish act. The only way we can be there for others 100%, in any situation, is if we are wholly there for ourselves first. Think of a car that has bad tires, or is low on vital fluids. It may get passengers where they need to be, but the ride will be precarious and could result in disaster at any moment. Humans have needs, just like a machine. If those needs are not met, our ability to perform will be at risk. 

Polyamorous people enjoy multiple partners to lean on, but it comes at the expense of each one of them needing to rely on you as well. There needs to be an understanding that sometimes one of your group might need some space, and needing space doesn’t mean you’re pushing your lovers away. A ‘fresh start’ doesn’t have to mean a new lover, it can mean taking time to let some of the baggage and negative emotions that can build over time clear your system, or to embrace everything you love about your partners again. Time to maybe miss them a little.

The same is true for a polygamist family. While all of the sister wives may have relationships that are not necessarily ‘intimate’ in nature, they remain part of the same family that will face many dramas together. 

If the husband is looking for a new sister wife the existing sister wives can feel uneasy and the bond they build through the process is powerful. In this case, the ‘fresh start’ is finding a woman to become a new sister wife, and it’s important that the existing family be prepared to support each other in this new beginning. Polygamy dating can take years and is not always successful. Prioritizing the family you already have is vital to introducing a new element of any sort. Everyone needs to be on board. Everyone in the family shouldn’t feel the need for time to themselves because too much energy is focused on growing the family instead of nurturing it as it is.

Polyamorous groups or families will always have to struggle with the plural nature of their relationships at times. How do they know the right times to grow their circle? If it’s already a big circle, how do so many people remain intimate enough to call each other lovers? If one or more lovers are always needing time to themselves for a fresh start, how can you call it your family at all? The fact is, even if one or two of your lovers are needing some space at any given time, the relevance of your relationships relies only on your decision to keep loving and caring for each other. If everyone involved decides to keep it going, nobody on the outside can define the relationship for you. Maybe it’s healthier when you’re able to take time for yourself and know you aren’t leaving someone you love completely alone. Polyamory can be so incredibly healthy when approached in proper, loving, ways. On the flip side, polyamory can be terribly difficult and hurtful when handled with selfish intentions. Even when you need a fresh start and time to yourself, the love you share with your partners can never take a back seat.

What if your fresh start means a new relationship outside and away from your poly lovers altogether? Maybe you’ve decided to experiment with monogamy? It’s no different than when a monogamous couple decides to explore polyamory or polygamy. It won’t be a fresh start without full disclosure and honesty. People, no matter how much we love them, will evolve, and can grow apart from us. To deny a person’s growth and changing needs ultimately betrays the love you should have for them. 

There is no shame or crime in trying to work with them to save an existing relationship, but never sell yourself short. A relationship, poly or monogamous, requires everyone involved to feel immersed in something that is right for them. It can’t be forced or you’ll be feeling the need for a fresh start constantly. You can’t fit a round peg in a square hole, and the more you try the more damage and frustration you’ll cause. In order to love someone, you have to be open to letting them go if they’re unhappy. If your love is strong, they may come crawling back, but decide how much space you can handle and stick to it. 

Another person’s need for space shouldn’t be your torture chamber. It’s about balance. Part of true love is figuring how much you’re willing to let go, and where you draw your lines. You can be open minded without being a pushover.

It’s funny how one person’s fresh start, or need for space, requires sacrifice from the people they love. Poly dating and relationships may sound too complicated for many people, but they are also incredibly rewarding. It would be better to never require the people you love to make sacrifices for you, but we all know that’s impossible. There are little things you can do on a regular basis that will keep you from feeling the need to get away. Make days to yourself a normal part of your routine. Also, make one on one time with each of your poly partners, or sister wives, a regular thing. That one on one time can be used to work through little issues before they snowball into something big, and the personal time is always healthy. Be forgiving, be loving, be smart, and never forget to take the time you need to refresh the love you have to share.

Published By: Christopher Alesich & Robyn Alesich 

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