User blogs
I was feeling a little frustrated about a couple of things, so I thought I'd write them down. Not looking for praise or even approval if you're offended by it, just need to voice my thoughts. 
FYI, this is Dan speaking.)
To start, I need to "set the table" a little...
My background is that I grew up in a polygamous family in Salt Lake City (I was raised as a fundamentalist Mormon). I was raised in a religious background where it was commonplace to have a couple of wives by your late 20's. There was an intense pressure to ensure you were living polygamy. If you didn't, something was probably wrong with you since you weren't striving to "live Gods law".
In the last few years, I've had a few experiences that changed my religious viewpoints. Mostly, it was understanding that God loves me, wants the best for me, and that He wants me to love others as He does... pretty simply, right? Well, I never really understood it until I came to the conclusion that God ACTUALLY loved ME as an individual. It's a simple thing, but I finally had experiences where I knew and understood that God loves me for me. The last few years of my life I've felt more like I'm walking in Gods steps than I ever have before. It has excited me more than I can describe! It's almost like I'm in a footrace and have just been given the ability to run. It's simply amazing.
As I dove into scripture, I kept uncovering more and more evidence against my belief structure on polygamy, being that it was a "requirement" to fulfill Gods law. As I read and understood scriptures in more detail ---even the words of our own early religious leaders--- I found that many instances of what our beliefs were founded upon weren't actually scriptural. It was simply someone's opinion which turned into "modern-day" prophecy (though I would call it dogma).
As it stands now I can see many instances where polygamy can be damaging for families. I grew up and saw families who weren't supported by the husband/father; I saw times where the mothers HAD to work because they couldn't rely on their husband; I saw children who never knew their father, and their father never knew them; I saw times where women, of their own choice, joined into families simply because it was the "correct" thing to do, though they knew they would never have a REAL family. Sure, they would have children and roommates, but it was never a cohesive family; I saw families where the fathers were simply chasing skirts, where women became a number that they could add to their achievement list.
Despite my viewpoints on polygamy changing, I can still find benefits in polygamy. As a man, it's my natural inclination to want to protect others. (Personally, I'm very protective of my family... Laura calls me the family guard dog, because I tend to act like a dog barking at everything that might be shown as even mildly aggressive towards my family.) As a husband, father, and protector, I feel it's my responsibility to offer a home/family to women/children in need. I can see the benefits for a woman who has come from a bad home, relationship, etc., being able to live in a nurturing home where she's accepted and loved for who she is. Some people have told me it sounds like a"charity" family, to which I say "YES, IT IS!". Do we not think it's charity that God allows us to live, breathe, eat, have families, and be allowed to make mistakes and find forgiveness? We might live in a society where charity is frowned upon, but Newsflash, our entire life is built upon it. Learn to accept it, be grateful when you receive it, and cherish when you can pass it on.
In essence, as God showed me in the past, I want to love others simply because I love THEM. Not because I love the "polygamy lifestyle", or because it's a requirement, but because I LOVE THEM.
A few weeks ago, I told God in prayer that I was happy, willing, and would volunteer opening up our home for another woman looking for a family if He desired it. I felt compelled to open an account here and at least put the "vibes" out to the universe as it were and see what happens.
Since I've joined the website, I have felt very conflicted in how to approach the community, or even trying to make friends at times with women. I've heard from several ladies that they get inundated with messages from couples or families wanting to get to know them. Go figure, it's a dating site.... and while I'm sure it's generally innocent, I think most new-comers feel like a piece of meat being paraded around the dinner hall. I would wager that most ladies are coming here without much experience in polygamy, and while they might feel drawn to it, it's easy to get overwhelmed. Again, I'm sure it's generally innocent since most couples are probably excited about the lifestyle and want to share and love as I do, but I think it can muddy the water.
My whole purpose with getting onto this website was to open myself up and go through my own spiritual journey. I know that our family is open to the idea of adding to our family, but I don't want to pursue new relationships and force things to happen. I want things to happen because they are meant to. When/If the time ever comes that someone wants to join our family, I want it to be because we love them for them, and they love us for us. I want it to be honest, virtuous love.
I believe that you find what you are searching for in this life, good or bad. I want my pursuits to be good, honest, and for the betterment of my family and others. Yes, I want to find women and families that I can help by being a good husband/father to them. However, I don't think this is as simple as finding someone with a flat tire and changing it for them (cue Bill Murray in Groundhog Day). I want to open my life up to the possibilities, and know that when the time comes that it's meant to be.
So, how does all this come back to "searching for a Sisterwife"? I'm coming to the conclusion that searching out or trying to pursue new wives is backwards. While I plan on continuing being a part of this community, I am going to caution myself, and any others that need it, that we should keep our heads, morals, and sights held high. While it might be coming from a good place in most people's hearts, it's a new way of life for many women and I believe we should tap the brakes a little when someone new joins the website. Perhaps I have misconceptions from my past and seeing men pursue polygamy the way they did, but I have seen the same pursuit exhibited here in some degree or another.
If you truly desire the chance to open your home to a woman/family in need, it will come in time. Let's allow a safe space for women and their children to interview and research the polygamous lifestyle. Let them reach out and ask questions. If they're attracted to your family, allow them space to reach out and initiate contact. I'm afraid many women get turned off by the amount of responses they get, and see desperation more than optimism. Let's create a safe culture, give people freedom to explore, and honor their decisions if they pursue this lifestyle or not.
So my fiance and I joined this site in search of a sister wife or more of a triad relationship. It seems like alot of people on here aren't serious about what they're looking for or message you once then you never hear from them again. We aren't here for a hook up or that "unicorn" We are very serious about our search for someone who will be long term. Part of our life forever. But where do we look? Should we just give up? We have been searching everywhere for quite some time and are getting a little frustrated.
Are there no girls out there that actually want to live the lifestyle we want? Are there no girls out there that are as serious as we are? We have so much love to share but can't find that "one" who wants what we do. It seems as though finding someone to share your life with is harder than we had planned. Everyone tells us to be patient but for how long? We have been looking for almost 2 years now with not really anyone that is serious.
Does anyone have any advice or some suggestions on what we should do?
That being said, one of the things that is jumping out to me a fair amount is just how many profiles demonstrate that several people are here looking for a good time, for new partners for sexual liaison or seeing the plural marriage pop culture boom and thinking it would be some kind of yolo adventure and that it might be cool for a while. That is what I see in the single women's profiles. In some of the couples profiles however it is far more of the predatory to desperate spectrum and I do not even slightly wonder at the fact that many are mystified by the lack of any response. In other couples profiles you will see the it is all about the ego stroke for the man equation being played out.
At the end of the day, personally I don't particularly care about being perceived as judgemental when so many are approaching plural marriage for all the wrong reasons. All that it will end up with is games being played, hearts being broken and families pulled apart.
Plural marriage is first and foremost a marriage. It is about love, permanence, giving each other support and the bonds of family. Plural marriage is not about jumping on the latest fad, it is not about your sexual fantasies or pumping up your ego.
Yeah yeah... standing on my soap box and preaching to an empty room. I know. Lame and pointless. It is frustrating though to browse through the site and see a handful of those who clearly take the idea of polygyny seriously and who are seeking their family or their new wife that are clearly having to wade through a sea of those who might be more suited to plenty of fish or some other hookup app.
This is supposed to be about love and family not being part of a fad.
If you are out there, and you just might happen to read this, and are truly serious and committed to living plural marriage, we would love to get to know you! All we want to do is find that special person for us, just like everyone else on this site. We are real, we are 100% all in! Talk with us, give us a chance, I can promise you that we will give that to you as well. We really, honest-to-goodness want to live plural marriage. All I'm asking for is to be given a chance.
Steve
While I am pointing this to the newer women joining the site and looking at polygamy for the first time, I think everyone (families included) should be considering these questions when approaching someone new.
Q: Does the family in question line up with your religious beliefs and political/moral beliefs?
A: Let's get this one out first... I believe that in order to make a family successful, families should have the same religious beliefs and moral direction. Obviously, nobody will agree on everything 100% of the time. However, there seem to be a few topics that can make or break relationships and it usually will revolve around these topics. Discussing the differences between your values will help you understand if the relationship can work.
Q: Have you prayed or mediated on the family/woman in question?
A: To quote someone that I respect: "I don't ask God for favors or for wishes. But, I do think that if you sit on the edge of your bed, and things aren't going very well for you, and you ask what foolish thing you're doing to make it worse that you'll get an answer right now. And it won't be the one you want, but it might be the one that if you listen to it would set things straight."
Wherever you sit on the religious/spiritual spectrum (or don't in some cases), self reflection or prayer helps to build emotional self-awareness. Take time and ask yourself the important and sometimes uncomfortable questions. In any marriage, your weaknesses and strengths will be shown. Learn how to understand your emotions, your strengths, your weaknesses, and ultimately what is driving you to a particular family.
Q: Do you share similar life goals or dreams? If not, can you be happy living in a different way?
A: I'll offer myself up as an example. Our family is going to build a homestead. No, I don't expect that I'll begin to earn my living this way. However, I love the concept of growing gardens and raising my own animals for food. This might be a silly example, but someone that cannot stand the outdoors or that is vegan might not enjoy my bacon-loving, cow-milking lifestyle. They might be able to compensate for awhile, but unless they change their lifestyle or we change ours, it's a possible contention point.
Q: Does the family expect you to relocate?
A: Obviously, there are many variables to consider, but if you're joining a family that is established (has a mortgage, been there 10+ years, kids are enrolled in school and programs, etc.), you might be the one most able to accommodate a change. Is that something you're willing to do, or is the family happy to move around your needs?
Q: Along with the question above, does the family have enough space to accommodate you (and potential children)?
A: I've known lots of families that squished to make everyone fit... not saying it's a bad thing at all, some families love the squish! It's simply another consideration.
Q: Is there a big age difference? Do you want to have more children, and is your potential husband in a position to raise them?
A: To me, age difference is just a number in most cases. My wife has a sister that married into a polygamous family and her husband is about 21 years her senior, and she's as happy as can be. That being said, if your husband is much older than you, raising children is going to be different. If your husband is having children into his late 40's or 50's, speaking candidly he might not be able to help with child rearing.
I knew one man who married a much younger woman, and he specifically told her that he only wanted a couple of kids at most. His concern was not watching them grow up in case something happened to him. That really stuck out in my mind, and I'm glad he addressed it. And NO, this is not a knock against older men... just a fact of life.
Q: What are the sleeping arrangements?
A: While this might seem silly, there is a group (however small) of people that take different approaches to how husbands and wives sleep... sometimes even in the same bedroom. Now, I'll never judge another family and what they do. I just know that I'm traditional, and I believe every wife should have her own master bedroom at the minimum. Everyone needs their own space.
Along with the housing, something else to consider is are you all going to be living in the same house, or do you all require your own house to live in? Just some more considerations.
Q: Do you understand their love types?
A: If you don't, take a basic love type test and find out what they are. If they are a physical contact type and you're a words of affirmation type, you'll need to know that there are differences in how to react and show love. This will save you TONS of miscommunication later in the relationship.
Q: Have you mentally and spiritually prepped for the critics?
A: No, I don't believe you should ever listen to those who are critical of your life, simply because they don't understand or agree with you. However, this lifestyle does draw criticism and you can be sure you'll get it from your own family. Be prepared to hear it, face it, and do your best to have a thick skin.
Q: Does the husband want more wives after you join into the family?
A: I've seen women be happy to join into a family, but have a hard time accepting new wives join. Every woman will go through emotions as the family changes (honestly, EVERYONE goes through emotional hardship at times), and there's a good chance that it never comes up. However, be open to the concept that it could happen.
Q: Do you think you can become best friends with the wife/wives in the family?
A: Some women are simply amazing when it comes to opening up their home to a new wife. And I've seen times where the "first" wife couldn't/wouldn't be friends with the new wife. As important as the husband and wife relationship is, the wives should all have their own relationship outside of the husband. In my words, I'd hope they could be "besties".
Q: Are you ready to accept other children as your own?
A: Obviously, this is a question most everyone is confronted with BEFORE they even decide they want to be in a polygamous family. However, living with other children and accepting and loving them as your own are two different things. The successful families that I know make the distinction that it's "their family", not "her family" or "my family". Obviously, the children have a birth mother and she does have a special relationship with her own children (which I think shouldn't be downplayed or thrown under foot), but I believe that the other wife(s) should understand that they're adoptive mothers, for lack of a better word, and they should be as invested in those children as everyone else.
The wind carries the dust
Up from the fields of yucca and sage
And through the white canyon
The rain cleanses, renews
Terrified to look too far east
And lose sight of something great
Or to look too far west
And glance over the warnings
The seasons move upon the land
Colors change
Time marches
All of the creatures breathe
It would seem it is the Wilderness
Who is the master of all balance
Nothing lost that isn't gained
Short days, or long waits
High desert, or down low
There is a truth my heart knows
It is love
That outlives all
