User blogs

My wife asked me for a she-shed, and I am going to start one for her in the next few weeks.  It'll have a bathroom, shower, and a large open space with wood beams and a cathedral ceiling.  I'm thinking 12' wide X 24' long.  Should I make it bigger?  When we start the house, the kitchen will be 15' wide by 30' long, and made pretty much the same way, except it'll have a window seat that looks out over our property - oh and we're looking at a professional gas stove, but also a wood stove, really nice one, as a backup.  She and I are hoping a lady will join us soon, to share in our adventures and help with the garden.  If you can cook, that would be a real blessing.  But anyone who joins us has to be a bit... unconventional.  We have an off grid cabin (you wouldn't know it unless you saw the solar panels) and fifteen acres of woods.  No noise, no cars, no music blaring, just frogs, crickets, and quiet nights.  Oh, and just to say it, you will get a fishing rod, and get to use it a lot.

When you get married, the words you say mean far more than you realize.  Saying, "I do." actually, in many cases, means a ton.  It means the woman has a false idea of what submission means, and the man has a false idea of what leadership means.  The effect is chaos, and a constant battle - the man is fighting for her to help him, and the woman is fighting for her very survival as a person.  It's the same as hearing, "Let's get ready to RUMMMMMBBBBBLLLEEEE!"

But why and what can be done about it?

Addressing the why.  The man.  He's the initial problem.  Oh, not intentionally, he's doing what he was taught.  Sadly, what he was taught results in a divorce rate for first time marriages approaching 80% in some cases.  He was also taught that women are both fragile and uncontrollable.  That the marriage would fix itself if she only did what he said, or, if he goes to therapy, it will get better when he understands that they are only together as a team and if he just let's her do anything she wants, it will be better.  Most marriages fail after this advice.  Most fail without the advice.  The reason?  He never learned what it even means to marry, beyond what is under her clothes and the responsibility he has now, even if no one can really explain that to him in anything other than vague terms.

The woman is taught to submit.  This version of submit is one where she is little more than a slave.  Oh, she doesn't see it that way, but it's how it works out.  He has a job, she has to beg for everything.  She also has a job but every time she spends a dollar he gets upset.  She goes out with her friends, and he sits and stews... the result?  It will only get better if she takes charge, or leaves.  If she takes charge, then she finds herself despising him.  The result?  She will leave to protect herself because noone likes chaos.  It may take a while, and might even take years, but one day she will get sick of the fighting, or he will get sick of the fighting and one will turn to alcohol, or partying, or other men or women, and eventually the marriage ends and the woman you loved, or the man you adored, are now the enemy and your life is filled with bitter regret you gloss over with "He was a real bastard that lied to me... she was a real piece of work that lied to me from..."

So what went wrong?

Education.  Knowledge.  Experience.  Definitions.

Education.  Kids are not taught their roles, and religion makes matters even worse because the words they use have so many meanings that are so fluid that it's nearly impossible to turn them into action.  Parents can't teach the kids because the parents are divorced.

Knowledge of how a family is run is scarce, and poorly taught.  Sadly, many get their ideas of a perfect marriage from Disney or Lifetime television.  A glossy farce that is all but a two hour lie designed t make you feel happy inside, no matter how painful life is.

There's very little experience left because with a 60% divorce rate, every other marriage fails, and the kids are raised in single parent homes where the caregivers are angry , bitter, and hate marriage even as they tell the kids, "You can do this, even if I failed."  How?  How can they do this when the person teaching them how, has not done it?

Definitions.  They are changing so fast that the word you used last week no longer means that it does today.  Faggot was once a punk stick like you use to light a firecracker, and being Gay once meant you were happy.  Submit is one of the most misunderstood words in marriage today.  Husband is also misunderstood.  Wife has a brand spanking new meaning.  Household means something different.  It's no wonder marriages fail.

So what can you do?  It's easy.  Reeducate, then negotiate.

Start with Submission.  Submit was a military term that meant a person submitting himself, his resources, and his talents to a commander.  It meant he freely submitted to taking orders, and running his own troops according to the words of the general.  A Captain submitted to a General.  The level of submission depended largely on the strength, education, and money of the individual, and the goals of the general. A general had little use for a private who could not command troops, had no equipment, and was not able to assume command of an aspect of his army.  A general also was expected to lead his commanders, manage the equipment, and run the fight.  This is a truth of polygyny, a man who has more than one wife MUST be able to fight them.  He has to be willing to make plans, talk those pans out, then make a decision.  Read about how D-Day was planned out for an example and why the commander decided to wait and when he chose to act.  This brings us to Husbands.

Husbands are supposed to be in charge of the estate and overall family.  Biblically he had veto power if she made a bad decision, which tells us that she made decisions.  The idea of the perfect wife is one with her own fields, workers, and products.  She was a leader.  A good leader.  Pretty damning for the slave concept of submission.  Women were NEVER supposed to be the little woman sitting at home around a table gossiping and planning the dinner.  They were supposed to be active, running things, and fighting with the tools at hand.

Which would you rather be as a wife?   The woman who sits in front of the television and waits for your master to come home from his day, or the woman how has a business, gets out there in her hobbies, and makes a difference?  TO be whatever HE wants you to be, or someone who takes orders, and then fights with that goal in mind and becomes the best of herself.  Do you see why monogamy teachings are so damned destructive?

Here's how to save your marriage if it's in chaos.

Piece of paper. Sit down with your wife.  Talk it out.  First, you need authorities.  Ladies, he cannot be the head of the family if you don't allow it.  If you undermine him, don't trust him, or let him make mistakes and learn from them, then he is going to fail.  That's on you.  A general cannot fight a war if his commanders fight him.  A house divided cannot stand.  Someone has to have the veto power, and that person is the Head of the Family.  It's a granted position, as the word submission is a VOLUNTARY word, not a command.  "Wives, submit to..." not, "Husbands, force your wife to..."  If you chose not to submit to him, then you have nothing.  He may lead, you may benefit, but he will not be your leader, and as soon as adversity comes along, you'll fall apart.  It will happen,

Husbands, if you do not have an agreement with your wife, then you have nothing but a bunch of vague promises that mean nothing when push comes to shove.  She will leave you just as soon as the reasons to leave exceed the reasons to stay.  She is not your wife, she is a person you are dating even if the government says otherwise with a piece of paper.  If you want a strong family, you are going to have to negotiate with your wife, with the goal of becoming the leader of the family and getting her to support you in that role.  This means that she willingly appoints you as her leader.  Now, your job is to LEAD her.  To establish the framework of the household, and then to set the basic rules and guides.   Think of it as a military SOP, look it up.  It's important.  Then when you have your structure in place, turn it over to her.  Let her learn to be the leader you are going to need!  The stronger you make her through structure, planning and training, then stronger your family will be and the stronger your household will be.  She is the leader you want running your household.

When you have this arranged and on paper, you are on the road to healing your marriage, because it is a marriage of two things into one, now.  Where before it was just a war, in your own house.

At this point, when you get to understand that you cannot do the other person's jobs, which is the next hurdle, you will be ready for plural marriage.  You can add a commander, and divide your personal army up into smaller more effective commands.  When you get strong enough, you will add employees who will answer to your wives.  She will seek advice on strategy and planning from you.  You will be stronger and stronger.

Next:  The other person's jobs.

Until the last couple hundred years, love marriages were not a thing.  People negotiated their marriages.  The reason for the change was the Monogamy Only doctrine.  Monogamy Only meant that to procreate, you had to have a single wife household.  If you had a child outside this stricture, you had a bastard which meant, roughly, "child outside of marriage of a nobleman."  If you married two women, the children were also considered bastards except the one by the first wife.  It was a way to guarantee lineage and transfer of property on death to punish anyone who dared violate the monogamy stricture.  The result?  Predictable.

Imagine you were married to a wonderful provider.  He died.  You were left alone.  Protections were assured for you, IF you lived in a poly world, but in a monogamy only world, you had a few choices.  You could give your children to a baby farm where they would be adopted out (or killed) and then you were free to attempt to find someone willing to marry you.  Your choices would be slim, and mostly undesirable.  You could attempt to work, and that left you at the mercy of your employer for his work and pleasure... because jobs were difficult to get, and you may get a good one where you worked on the floor in the daytime, and in his bed at night, or you were fired and left with the last and only option open to you.  Prostitution.

So there were very valid and legitimate reasons to make sure polygyny was banned.  Widows and divorced women were fun, easy to manipulate, and if they died because of illness or disease, no one really cared.

The Ketubah and plural marriage changed things for the better and would not be allowed.

A Ketubah was a marriage document.  It was negotiated by the woman/man and their families before marriage.  Romeo and Juliette was a cautionary tale of love marriages, they failed, and people died.  Arranged marriages were the standard, but we assume "arrange," meant that the parents arranged them, but that's not true.  Arranged meant the marriage was negotiated and the family was arranged by design.  They negotiated.

The new couple would carefully craft out their places in the marriage.  She was the head of the household, or the head of the farm, or the head of the kitchen or the wash... and the women had names you've heard.  The House Wife, The Farm Wife, the Washer Wife.  Each aspect of a household, laid out in areas of responsibility.  Just as the word for "Submit," means a woman submitting to a man as a Captain to a General, the Captain was expected to bring skills, talents, and leadership to one aspect of the Household or the entire household, although that would have been horrible.  Larger households would have been a nightmare to run by one person and probably one in a thousand could do it well.  So, the Ketubah.

The Ketubah was negotiated.  The family would sit down with close relatives (father, mother) and hash out what the authorities would be, and how they would apply.  She would generally be in charge of the household, and that could be as little as two room with a wash closet, or as large as an estate.  To get around the loss of other women to help, they would talk servants, paid help, and other employees.  She would run the house, he would run the business and often be the head of the Family, making the larger decisions.  If it were a plural family, servants would not be an issue, but a new potential wife would be asked to negotiate with the existing wife for her place in the family.  She might take over washing, or cooking, or childcare, splitting the duties and easing the burden on everyone. 

But the Ketubah was more than just that.  It was security.  It also covered what happens in a divorce, what happens to the kids, and offered (speculation) a power of authority for one wife to speak in his name in the event he was incapacitated to continue the family, or to dissolve it, with allotments to each of the women. It covered children, raising them, and expectations.  A woman knew her place, and had a place.  This is where the saying came from. If a woman got into the cake of another wife, she would be told, 'Woman, mind (or know) your place."  Marriages arranged like this had a terrible divorce rate.  It was almost 4%  Compared to love marriages where it's nearly 60% when people bother to marry.

It didn't leave women destitute, or at the mercy of unscrupulous men. 

Good morning! Hope everyone has a great day!

The world can be a complicated place to try to navigate.  I wonder sometimes if the world is wrong to most encourage the socail makeup of couples.  I think the world would be better if families were poly generally.  Consider the advise and friendship we all add to eachother.

When everyone works to build up and encourage the other.  When we all celebrate eachothers succcessed but also help deal with the hardships and sadnesses that come.  Together as a team, all things are possible.  We offer support and care to one another.

I think a good team, a family that is us against the world is such a loverly dream and wish.   I know it can be more than a dream.  I have had this once.  It was beauiful.  Its not all about sex although many outsiders might think it is.   I think it takes a good deal of emotional maturity to reach the point that your ready for poly.

All members of the family share, and grow with eachother as that discover and support oneanother.

Good morning, its late and i am about to go to bed.

I decided i would write a little about my hopes.  I hope to meet a family that one to add another.  That want a lifelong commitment.  Not a passing fad, and nothing that will be instanst, but taking the time to know me as i learn about them.  adding to one another, building a future together is my dream.

I know im older than most girls, im 47 now, but i hope im not too old.  I would never be happy as just a single couple and i dont want that.  I need a family.  i am too old to have children, my about to hit menapause.  I have no children.  I have no debts, other than my student loan but thats not a big issue.  My degree should allow me to move anywhere easily.

I have pets.  I have a dog and two cats who i adore.  I am a confident girl, I have travelled a lot.  I think I have a lot to offer, if nothing else than my knowledge of backgammon.

I used to be in a poly, but sadly he died or i would still be there.  Being poly was the happiest time of my life.  It truely is an amazing way to be.  I love having sister wives i can speak with and make friends with.  

I hope one day perhaps with this web site i will connect with a new family.  Tread once more upon this path.

Wife here-
One of the great things I love about my husband is his love of people and ability to care for others. I am not inherently wired the same way. With people I’m close to, my heart is there for sure and I don’t mind going the extra mile for my close network of peeps that are either family or passed my trust anc time. But I do not do it in the impromptu way my hubby does things and I LOVE him for that. He’s definitely a man of few words and masculine in his thinking. He runs a traditional household but thinking of others without even “thinking” about it, is also part of what makes him who he is.

Situation one: One of the waitresses (single) at a cafe we frequent had mentioned in a quick simple chit chat, how she couldn’t get warm where she lives; and he goes and gifts her a heated blanket as a Christmas present. When he told me about his idea, I thought it was such a thoughtful thing to remember.
He gave it to her on one of the mornings he stopped off solo so later when we went together, I saw her hesitant to say anything. I asked my hubby if he had given her the present yet because I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Once he said he had, I turned to where they all were and asked her how she liked the blanket. She nodded and I told her “oh good”; that I had to wait to be sure so as not to ruin the surprise. She immediately looked relieved and lit up talking about it. She loved the blanket (even now says she uses it every night). The other waitresses also chimed in with us that day too. It was such a happy little moment.

Well scenario two, yesterday another waitress(single) saw us come in and in the middle of her zipping by, stops to say hi to my hubby but then immediately turns to me and makes a point to say “first of all, good morning TO YOU” and then makes quick chit chat with him and me but looks mainly at me. Now I hardly know the waitresses as much as my hubby because the days he has to commute, he stops off at our cafe VERY early to grab a bite before traffic. So I wouldn’t expect her to converse with me as much as she knows him. I get it. She’s doing that to me to be respectful as his wife which is thoughtful. Later I made convo with her to put her at ease.

But here’s the thing, it’s sad to me that single woman and men who are simply being nice and innocently friendly feel like they have to do things like hold back genuine happiness/connecting moments because some husbands in the world are not making respectful choices and some wives in the world don’t want anyone talking to their husband no matter what. With our marriage, we have always been happy rooting for one another. We built a pretty solid foundation. So when other women brighten his day, it warms my heart. To me, while it was still a positive moment and I appreciate the respect, I would have much preferred watching the two of them catch up.
And I think if poly was more accepted in society, there would be a lot more genuine, happy moments across the board. When it comes down to it, we’re all just wanting to be loved, seen and appreciated.
All this to say that my observations proved, at the end of the day, people are just people and good people deserve to enjoy seeing and connecting with the people that make their lives better.

We are new to this website, but we were somewhat surprised by the many conversations that concern jealousy. 

The emotion of jealousy is normally triggered by feeling such as (is he going to give her more attention than me?) (Is she going to give him more attention than me?) These feelings also can be triggered by the lack of self worth. 
When one feels jealousy, they need to openly discuss how they feel with their polygamous/polyamory family. 
The family also must not overreact and should listen and talk about ways to make the other who is experiencing jealousy, feel more comfortable in the relationship. This is not easy, the  as polygamist we have chosen a lifestyle which is not considered the norm in American society. 
My current soulmate and I  believe in this lifestyle, not so much for physical gratification, but because we believe by practicing polygamy, it shows and helps us grow, loving others unconditionally and not just one individual in our life.
Can feelings of jealousy creep up on individuals who are very balanced? the answer is yes. 
But the results are the same, if jealousy is not recognized and expressed to the others involved in the family. It acts like a cancer bringing destruction in it's wake.
Growing up and being around polygamist families I saw both the good and the bad, the families that were well-adjusted and loved each other, confront issues like jealousy, finances, expectations of children and responsibilities openly. They understood that real love require having good communication skills with each other, and that these issues had to be confront it before they cause a problem in all relationships within the family. 
The polygamist families that ended up splintering,  leaving many individuals hurt during these break ups, contained individuals who did not know how to openly communicate their desires and feelings to each other. Polygamy requires communication it's just that simple, polygamy requires work, polygamy requires mutual respect regardless of gender of the individuals involved in the family.
Most of all polygamy requires compromise and unconditional love for all members of the family and understanding their personal viewpoint even though it may not be our own. I encourage all individuals who fill jealously to discuss their feelings with their family members. And for those individuals who are contemplating relationships, to fully understand that the relationships will ultimately fail, unless all involved possess good communication skills. 
So the first step to even contemplating a polygamist marriage, or even polyamory relationship is to address our own individual communication skills first, Secondly it is highly suggested that family set aside time weekly, to discuss things openly that may be bothering individual and the family unit. When the children are approaching adult age, it is suggested that they are included in these discussions. This is to give them some guidance on how to use conflict resolution to work through problems that the family and family's experience. 
With love and patience destructive emotions such a jealous can be confronted and even alleviated, I hope the small post has helped. We express our best wishes for all, Sincerely, Carrie and Charles

One of the things we like doing on our days off is our mini road trips along the river or through the foothills. We enjoy our regular places, stopping off here and there, but most of all, the different people we come across and the great conversations we get to have. Since it’s been raining or snowing with the roads blocked off, that’s been a no-go for the usual places.

It’s the little community of folks that we miss the most. Although, it’s also drawn us to check out new places which has brought us into new experiences! These mini getaways are not taken for granted. With all there is to see and do, we take time to stop and just be present in the moment. It’s been amazing.

And while we are open to seeing if we connect with someone specifically on this site, in all honesty, we are not holding our breath on that. It is a challenge to figure out the scammers, fakes and non-serious individuals. What we do appreciate is connecting with like minded people who have shared their insights and experiences in the poly community. Just reading through posts of those who’ve been willing to put it out there and give others a heads up, it has prevented us from negative outcomes. We have met great people, made some friends, and look forward to more friendships ahead!

Healthy masculinity is important in all types of relationships, including polyamorous ones. In polyamorous relationships, healthy masculinity is essential for maintaining open communication, respecting boundaries, and building trust.

One aspect of healthy masculinity in polyamory is the ability to communicate openly and honestly with partners. This means being able to express one's needs and desires while also listening to and respecting the needs and desires of others. Communication is key in polyamorous relationships, and healthy masculinity involves being able to have difficult conversations and resolve conflicts in a constructive and respectful manner.

Another important aspect of healthy masculinity in polyamory is respecting boundaries. In a polyamorous relationship, each partner may have different boundaries and limits regarding physical intimacy, emotional connections, and time commitments. Healthy masculinity involves respecting these boundaries and not pressuring partners to do anything they are not comfortable with.

Trust is also a crucial component of healthy masculinity in polyamory. This means being reliable, accountable, and honest with partners. Men who practice healthy masculinity in polyamorous relationships understand that building trust takes time and effort, and they are committed to doing the work necessary to maintain the trust of their partners.

Finally, healthy masculinity in polyamory involves challenging toxic beliefs and behaviors. This can include challenging societal norms that promote possessiveness, jealousy, and competition among men. Men who practice healthy masculinity in polyamory are committed to creating a culture of respect and inclusivity where all partners feel valued and supported.

In conclusion, healthy masculinity in polyamory involves open communication, respecting boundaries, building trust, and challenging toxic beliefs and behaviors. By cultivating these qualities, men can become better partners in polyamorous relationships and contribute to a more positive and respectful culture.