Chris's article

Polyamory, for some, might sound like an option only for people with commitment issues or a hyperactive sex drive. There is a certain amount of freedom it entails that makes monogamous folks queasy. The idea of being emotionally and sexually involved with more than one person is a game changer in the worlds of dating and relationships. There is absolutely no reason to avoid enjoying yourself and exploring every desire as a polyamorous lover. That’s actually the point. It’s all about love, support, exploration, respect, openness, and fun. All good things, however, come with responsibilities. In poly relationships each partner needs love and affection, every new date deserves complete honesty, and existing relationships need the work and investment required to remain healthy. Making all of this work may sound overwhelming, but it’s really about adhering to some boundaries that will keep your loves close, and troubles far away. 

“The truth will set you free” is especially true when it comes to relationships. It will give you a foundation of trust to build on, which is the only way to have a healthy love life. Being truthful to yourself first leads to an ability to be truthful with the people you choose to explore a relationship with. What are your emotional and sexual boundaries? How much can you allow those boundaries to be pushed in different directions? Knowing your boundaries and where to draw hard lines is the first step toward healthy boundaries. Having conversations about boundaries and desires early and often with your love interests will make sure a relationship is worth pursuing. Even if you’re not a great match for anything serious you may decide on something like friends with benefits for a while. People with very different ideas about a love life shouldn’t try to force it. A fully heterosexual polyamorous person may have a hard time dating someone that is bisexual if they can’t stretch their boundaries to include a person of the same gender in their bed. It’s better to figure these things out before emotions start running deep and you find yourself holding back someone you love. It might work for a while, but it won’t be easy and resentment can build fast. 

For polygamous people, boundaries can be just as complicated. Polygamy no longer requires a handful of sister wives to only think of pleasing their one husband. Men looking for sister wives today will find women that are bisexual and he will need to be clear about the expectations he has for a new sister wife. She also needs to be clear about her sexuality and intentions. He may also want to find a husband to join him and his sister wives as one big family. Boundaries are not pre-set for polygamous families. They need to be discussed and settled before getting anyone involved in a completely unfit situation. There are plenty of women that want to be a sister wife in the traditional sense, and plenty of men that want that. It’s about knowing what you want and sticking to it. Don’t ditch your boundaries for whatever comes along first, or is easiest. It won’t be worth it. 

The very nature of polyamory presents a major reality that way too many people don’t take seriously enough. Sexual health. This is another area where boundaries need to be discussed and everyone involved needs to ensure risks are clear. Sleeping around and not using protection is an option, but only if every partner knows about it. Otherwise, you’re putting people you love at an unfair level of risk which is simply unacceptable behavior. If you are fluid bonding with your partners you have a responsibility to protect them. Even without a doctor, you can find resources in any area to get tested and stay on top of your sexual health. Don’t skip it because you’re scared of a result. Get checked! There are ways to cure or treat every STI in the book and there is no shame in addressing any that might come along. 

Beyond relationships, as a polyamorous person, you will have friendships and encounters where your love lifestyle will not fit. There is rarely a reason to not be open about being poly, but there will be plenty of situations where you’ll need to adhere to clear boundaries. If a friend that you’re attracted to is not interested in a poly relationship, or is already in a monogamous one, you must respect their choices. There is a big difference between acceptance and involvement, and trying to push an accepting person over the line between the two is not just unfair, it’s unseemly. Never take advantage of the kindness of an open minded person. If anything, these people should be protected and encouraged! If you put a friend in an awkward situation too often, they’ll eventually have to stop being a close friend and might even change their views concerning your lifestyle. A small chance at dating is not worth the risk, and the loss of an ally is not worth the cost of that risk. Knowing the boundaries necessary to respect everyone in the room will save you from a lot of heartache and misery. Keeping a diverse group of friends can be a little work, but provides a well rounded life experience that will be rewarding and insightful. You’ll be a better person for it. 

A discussion about boundaries isn’t limited to people that are living so-called ‘alternative lifestyles.’ In fact, everyone’s lifestyle is so different there really are nothing but ‘alternative lifestyles’. Think about situations you’ve been in where a super zealot religious person is making a dinner table or room of people very uncomfortable. What about a time you saw a person that was extremely intoxicated playing with children. Any very inappropriate moment can be used to explain why healthy boundaries are so important. None of us want to be ‘THAT’ guy or girl. Developing natural habits that involve boundaries and respect makes the world a better place for you and everyone you know. Don’t think of them as limitations. Think of boundaries as pathways to a world without limits that fulfills your every pure desire.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

As we grow older and wiser there are tools we develop to make our lives function in better ways than we knew in the past. We become more or less stubborn about different things, and develop better ideas about what we can or cannot tolerate. Trying to share our experience and knowledge with others is sometimes met with resistance because every life lesson is specific to the person involved, but there are overarching concepts that can apply to everyone. Being honest and kind, but not weak, benefits us all. Moderation in all things protects life and happiness. Fostering positivity in yourself and those around you creates a better world. Just as every life is different, so is every relationship. There are no single paths to follow that will guarantee success, but there are some agreements you can make with yourself, and your poly partners, that will guide your relationships along better paths to prolonged love and happiness. 

Be honest, but do no harm. 

There are plenty of situations in life where pure honesty would be more trouble than it’s worth. Errors in judgment happen all the time and there are people out there eagerly awaiting a reason to tear you down. Harmless lies meant to protect yourself, or loved ones, from an unreasonable amount of blowback can be chalked up to a learning experience as long as you’re committed to correcting the situation or behavior. While this concept can work in many areas of life, it cannot apply to your intimate relationships. When two or more people decide to build a life together there is an unspoken rule of full disclosure. Without it, it would be impossible to build the level of trust necessary for a fulfilling and enduring life together. Not every single detail of our pasts need to be divulged before committing to someone, but there are certainly details it would be unfair to leave out. Once a commitment is made, the rules change, and you are no longer only living for yourself. If you’re unable to share your mistakes, thoughts, ideas, or challenges with your partner in a fully transparent way it’s time to reconsider the nature of the relationship. 

For polyamorous or polygamous people this same agreement about transparency still applies, but can run into a few interpretations depending on the structure of each relationship involved. A beautiful thing about polyamory and polygamy is their malleable nature. Core relationships, such as between a sister wife and a husband, require a stronger bond than peripheral relationships. For example, when a woman becomes a sister wife she may prefer some level of autonomy from the other sister wives, which is perfectly acceptable. A polyamorous group may enjoy a home and/or sexual life among lovers, but prefer to maintain daily lives in a private and individual manor, which again, can be great as long as everyone involved agrees to it. The key to all of this is honesty. Honesty about your desires, preferences, goals, and more... will guarantee you’re at least pursuing a path that actually works for you and your partners. Finding people that will respect and reciprocate your honesty can keep you on your fitting pursuit of personal joy. 

Be selfless, but don’t lose yourself. 

Self sacrifice is a reality for any decent person at some point. In relationships we endure ups and downs with the people we love, and it has to work both ways. Polyamorous and polygamous relationships are no different. Regardless of the nature of your intimate relationships, you shouldn’t bail on someone you love because of a rough patch in their life. This can be a tricky balance to find because while you should be there for each partner when needed, you must also know what lines shouldn’t be crossed. If you do nothing but sacrifice yourself for a loved one you run the risk of losing yourself. To be fair, there are situations where a loved one is faced with circumstances beyond their control, like major health issues, and losing yourself a bit may be the only option. For the purpose of this article we’re referring to issues stemming from repeated bad choices, or lack of action or control. Loving and supporting each other is not about babysitting. 

If you’re interested in polyamorous or polygamous dating be prepared for the lifestyle to become part of who you are. Any time you’re involved in a lifestyle that doesn’t fit societal norms it will be a mentionable trait people will use to define you in their minds. This does not count as losing yourself because it’s actually a step toward finding who you really are. Embrace it. When you become a sister wife, polygamous husband, or join any form of plural relationship your sense of self will evolve and grow right along with the love in your life. 

Let go of control, but don’t lose it.

This agreement is tough because a total lack of control is chaos, but too much control can make life a living hell. The basis of this is that you’re with the people you love because you love them, not because you want to control them. If you do want to control people you love it’s advisable to seek counseling to figure out where that desire comes from. It’s not healthy. At the same time, a total lack of control can leave you feeling powerless and therefore hopeless about your love life. People that love each other should agree to abide by some basic standards that support the emotional attachment of everyone involved. Even when rules or standards are tested, the love you share should hold you together and help the relationships evolve. This is where being able to relinquish control becomes necessary. A little dab of forgiveness here and understanding there keeps everyone happier, and away from feeling trapped. Nobody looks for a polyamorous relationship or seeks to be a sister wife because they want to find a trap to fall in. They want to fall in love and grow with that love. Knowing when to put a foot down, or when to let things slide, is not playing a game. It’s respecting the inevitable human complexities every person you love will possess. 

We all want to be loved. Even if you enjoy being single, or don’t need much from others to be happy, you still enjoy being loved. Relationships take work no matter what the nature of your relationships tends to be. Finding balance in these three agreements can make the work far easier because it means committing to reasonable levels of honesty, selflessness, and control. It’s easy to say we should always be honest and selfless, but it’s better to protect yourself from harm as long as your heart and intentions are in the right place. These two things should come naturally for lovers. Good relationships will also settle into reasonable control mechanisms that won’t exhaust or compromise the will of anyone involved. Following your heart and letting your love life fall into place on its own is almost always the best way to a happy relationship. Keep these agreements in mind next time you start to fall in love. Always consider how you like to be treated and base your actions on it. Polyamory offers endless possibilities with love, and the well-being you’ll find through balance can make every love interest a positive and life changing juncture.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Polygamy is nothing new. In fact, one could successfully argue that monogamy is the newer concept for modern humans. Intimate relationships have evolved through the years and show no sign of a final determination of their purest form. Polygamy describes any relationship that involves the marriage of more than two people, regardless of gender, with no requirement of a formal or legal contract. It respects the choice of people to define their own relationships whether their government will recognize them, or not. It’s very close to simply being polyamory, but suggests a deeper commitment level to those that choose to use the term. Polygamy also has a rather unfair shadow looming that it struggles to remove. Some of our patriarchal societies worst tendencies have damaged the reputations of people interested in polygamy across the board, but as society has warmed up to polyamory in recent years there has been a new positive light shining on polygamy as well. 

Let’s get the ick out of the way first. First off, anyone that wants to pretend monogamy hasn’t had a disgusting history needs to hit the books. Women are often handled as property! Still today, teenage girls in many parts of the world are sold off or forced into marriages they do not want and it’s happening in both monogamous and polygamous cutures. It’s important to stop pretending women or children are only subject to abuses in polygamous cultures if we’re to see a future where everyone’s relationship choices are respected. Polygamy has been under attack and demonized for more than at least a century by people trying to force their views onto others while committing atrocities equal to, or worse, than those they attack. Women and young girls have been treated horribly by men more often than not throughout most of our modern history, and across most known major cultures. In short, stop naively believing it’s polygamy itself that’s dangerous for women. It’s sociopathic men and unfettered patriarchy that are dangerous to women, not loving relationships in any size or style she may choose. 

It’s fascinating that polygamy is seeing a rebirth in the age of the #metoo movement, but it also speaks of the value of the lifestyle. Women shouldn’t feel they have no option but to ‘submit’ to one man for the rest of their lives. That notion itself is socially endorsed oppression. Men shouldn’t be encouraged to be dishonest with their wives in an effort to maintain the limited status quo expected of your marriage by society. Lovers should be best friends and share everything with each other, even if it’s a crush on somebody else. Right along with more options comes the ability for people to choose the level of submission and commitment that works to keep their relationships or marriages healthy. Some people enjoy a very dominant partner, and that’s great, as long as communication, respect, and choice are always part of the equation. 

Choice is the overwhelming factor in the rebirth of polygamy. Respecting the choices of others and making no effort to limit the options other people can enjoy seems to be the zeitgeist of modern relationships. Legalization of gay marriage and increasing recognition of polyamorous relationships goes hand in hand with the resurgence of a new approach to polygamy. Nobody really wants to force others into situations that crush their dignity (unless you're a sociopath). Even as we watch polygamy becoming mainstream we continue fighting sources of oppression which are most often, sadly, based on religious pressures. Perhaps more public focus needs to be turned on the sources and supporters of oppression rather than people simply trying to love each other and enjoy their lives. 

The day may come when a woman that wants to be a sister wife can legally marry a man she loves that has another wife or two. The day may come when a man can enjoy looking for sister wives right along with his current wife without fear of being a social pariah. Polygamy works both ways, regardless of gender. There are plenty of women that would enjoy more than one husband, or even a marriage to both a woman and a man. Bisexual men are also a real thing even though they can be hard to find. Polyamorous people deserve the right to form whatever relationships they would like and polygamy is a completely respectful option for those looking for something a little more traditional than open relationships. It’s important to get your mind past the sexual aspects of plural relationships and focus on the emotional realities involved. Honestly, most people don’t want to know any details about the sex lives of others in general, so why all the interest in the sex lives of polygamous people? 

Humans have a long history involving people with any power at all using it to control other people. Religions, cults, governments, kings, queens, corporations, HOA’s, families, spouses, etc… The list of sources of control is depressingly long. Some control is good and welcomed. Control that ensures public safety, good health, and general well being is helpful, but control that seeks to limit human love and fulfillment in life has harmed humanity for far too long. Polygamy can represent something good. Supporting good polygamists in the world can create a wonderful and socially acceptable option for anyone that feels drawn to it. Shifting the public perception of polygamy so it can evolve alongside the current embrace of polyamory can pull it out of the shadows and into the light, therefore also making it a safer option than it’s thought to have been in the past. The rebirth of polygamy is a perfect time to take it out of nefarious hands and give it life where it belongs in a world of female empowerment and choice.  

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

There are a shocking number of people in the world that view self care as selfish behavior. A person that takes time to reflect on their life, or makes an effort to live clean and healthy, too often is accused of being ‘full of themselves.’ There really is no way to avoid the negative nancies out there so it’s best to embrace their accusations and take self care seriously. Self Care is ultimately a selfless act because it means you do your best to be the best you can be. It’s about being there, and at your best, for the world around you. People that don’t keep up with their own basic care tend to eventually become a burden on those around them. Polyamorous people are all about being a benefit to others by being capable of sharing vast amounts of love with the world. Here are some pointers to keep in mind to help with always living your best life. 

As a polyamorous person it’s of utmost importance to keep up with your sexual health. Get all the stigmas about STI’s out of your head and get tested regularly. Catching an STI is not a moral failing or punishment. The moral failing is not being responsible about it then spreading things to other people. Now obviously, if you’re in a closed group there is less of a need for regular testing, but if anyone is dating outside of the group, everyone needs to be alert. Beyond the obvious risks in the dating world are less conspicuous sexual health issues. Sleeping around all the time can be a sign of emotional problems or an addiction. Ask yourself once in a while about your motivations. Being self aware about your behaviors can stave off addictions or destructive tendencies before they consume you. Polyamorous dating or looking for new sister wives can be a lot of fun, and very fulfilling, as long as your motivations are healthy. If keeping up with sexual health like this seems overwhelming maybe just consider following this mantra. Don’t be skeevy! Always do the right thing. 

Now it’s time to talk about what you need to do if you ever want to have sex. It’s true that humans come in all shapes and sizes. Guys with bellies and curvy ladies can be incredibly sexy just the same as very thin people. Our bodies are going to follow whatever your genetic programming tells them unless you spend an exorbitant amount of time forcing it to do otherwise. Most of us will opt to let nature do its thing and focus our energy on other things. Regardless of your body type it’s important to pay attention to your diet, activity levels, and grooming habits. The key to living healthy is forming good habits. If you don’t like the gym, find a physical activity you enjoy. If ‘healthy food’ has always seemed gross to you, take some time to study cuisines around the world to find healthier foods you do like, then incorporate them into your diet. If showering in the morning seems like too much work, do us all a favor and do it anyway! Nobody should have to live with your lazy stank. Nobody is perfect and nobody really expects perfection from others, but there is a reasonable level of self care we owe to ourselves and others. Don’t be skeevy also works as a mantra here. 

Spiritual and emotional health is probably the most neglected aspect of self care. It also might be the most important because it has so much to do with the desire for self care in every other aspect of life. When a woman becomes a sister wife she’s stepping into a family that should not only provide love, but also a support system to help her maintain her emotional and spiritual health. Any polyamorous group should provide this type of support freely. It’s tough to say that a person shouldn’t be dating in the polygamous or polyamorous world at all if they aren’t emotionally healthy, but there is some truth to it. Seeking a sister wife or polyamorous lover should never be your answer to existing issues in your current life or relationship. If you and your partner, or partners, are having an emotional or spiritual crisis there is no shame in seeing a counselor, or spiritual leader if you have one. 

Spiritual and emotional health are both areas where lovers can help each other, but ultimately they’re internal and cannot be avoided if you want to be happy. Before you dismiss the idea of spiritual health being part of happiness, keep in mind that spiritual doesn’t have to mean anything about God or religion. It’s about feeling connected to life and the world around you. If that connection for you is through a God figure, good for you, but it is found in different ways for everyone. Ignoring the concept of spirituality altogether is a major disservice to yourself. Emotional health is heavily tied to spiritual health and together they can open doors to pure joy you’ll be able to share. With that joy comes a true, deep sense of love. 

Self care really has little to do with the self once the results are in. From the depths of spirituality to the shallowest thoughts like how pleasant a healthy person is to look at, self care positively affects everything in life. When you find yourself in a healthy and happy place you’ll desperately want to share the secrets of your joy with everyone around you. This is another place where ‘don’t be skeevy’ can be applied. No matter how much you believe you have to give, unwanted gifts will never bring the results you’re hoping for. Don’t press your ideas or assumptions onto others. This applies to each of your lovers or sister wives as well. Everyone has to find their own way on their own path. What you can give is unwavering love and support to help light the way. The beauty of a joyous poly person is that they’ll not only be spreading joy, they’ll be able to multiply a genuine understanding of love in the world as well.  

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

No two people are the same. No matter how much you may have in common, there are differences that will eventually show, and they often can prove to be incredibly difficult to manage. If these differences arise with a general acquaintance it’s not so hard to work around them. It’s impersonal and you have plenty of time away from that person in daily life. If it’s a coworker you see all the time it can be difficult, but working relationships have a way of finding ways to function. A common goal helps people set differences aside. When it’s a lover it becomes personal. A lover is likely to affect you every day and usually it’s right at home. It’s true that one shouldn’t compromise their happiness for another, but where do we draw that line? At what point are you giving too much? How can you make it work when it sometimes feels wrong? 

The first point to make is that all of these feelings are normal. You should be more concerned if similar feelings have never occurred to you. Not one relationship in the universe has felt right 100 percent of the time. Adversity is a fact of life. Running away from a love because you expect smooth sailing all of the time only reveals a self serving personality that will never understand the point of true love and relationships. There will be moments you’re down and need your lover to help you up and you have to pay that same respect to them. Willingness to work with your lovers to get through life’s difficulties has to go both ways, but is an absolute necessity. 

At the opposite end of the spectrum is giving or taking way too much all the time. We all know someone that has completely lost themselves in a relationship. It’s heartbreaking to see a friend give everything to a person that enjoys taking everything from them. Polyamorous people have an advantage in avoiding these situations because you need to have plenty to offer more than one person. A woman that becomes a sister wife has a husband to love and sister wives to love as well. Poly relationships in any form offer built in protection from emotional leeches. No man looking for sister wives should expect them not to have close relationships with each other. In fact, he should strongly encourage it. Having many sister wives or intimate partners to call your own can be a beautiful thing. However, while the notion of ‘possession’ can create some sexy feelings, never forget that no decent person can ‘have’ another person unless that person wants you to. Part of that is respecting their relationships outside of you. Never get so caught up in your fantasies that you stop taking care of each other equally. 

If you find yourself with a ‘taker’ it’s better to act early and avoid the development of abusive habits that might be impossible to break. No poly lover should ever expect all of you. A poly lover should never show jealousy toward your other lovers. It’s bad enough that a monogamous lover often wants to become the only thing you care about. For poly people that is the biggest red flag that should never be overlooked. There are plenty of differences you can overcome. If you meet someone that’s new to poly relationships it’s fine to expect you’ll have to teach them the ropes, but keep an eye out for that overly possessive trait. You can’t change a person hard wired to be monogamous into a polyamorous partner. It won’t work and you’ll be miserable if you try. It’s a barrier that simply cannot be broken. It’s also something a person may not realize about themselves, so you’ll have to show them. This is not all to say a monogamous person will always be an abusive lover, but to call attention to the need to know yourself and what relationships will work for you. If you cannot do monogamy don’t try to make it work with a monogamous person. That barrier will eventually break you. 

Bringing a new person into your polyamorous or polygamous relationship is a time of great excitement and of overwhelming concern. Being polyamorous or polygamous is not about constantly and desperately seeking sister wives or new addittions to your love life. It’s about being open to it. It’s fine to date people because you are open to multiple intimate relationships, but never forget to protect the love already in your life. This is a great chance to mention that a person claiming to be polyamorous just to sleep around all they want is not polyamorous. Sex just for the sake of sex has nothing to do with love. Polyamory is all about love. Every relationship is entitled to its’ own agreed upon rules, but keep your terminology correct. When a whole new person and all of their energy and behaviors join your current relationship there are going to be difficult surprises. Life is going to change. It’s going to feel like a mistake sometimes because humans are creatures of habit and your daily life will have to evolve to make room for all the new love in your life. You will worry that your lover might lose love for you as they develop it for another. Communication, and an understanding that love can’t be measured or quantified, will help you through the struggle. If the entire process is easy for you and everything stays golden every day, good for you! Don’t, however, expect that or hit the ground running the first time your feelings are a little hurt. Polyamory is not for the faint of heart. The best things in life require work and poly love is one of them.

It’s so important to be a person that can commit and be impeccable with their word. Honestly, two people that cannot do these things will probably never have a good love life. Polyamorous people are already living lives that are more honest than most so why not take your happiness to the next level by choosing to be committed and impeccable in all things you do. The biggest barrier to any love is a lack of respect both for others and for yourself. Always striving to be a better person and finding people like you, in that sense, is a guaranteed recipe for success. The key here is to learn the true definition of success while sharing the purest love in your heart with all the people you hold at night. 


Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Wives Best Friend

Love exists in many forms and at differing levels on a spectrum. The love a person has for a parent or a child is as strong as the love between intimate partners, but very different in nature. We say the words, ‘I love you’, to friends, family, and lovers. Perhaps the reason some find polyamory hard to justify is an inability to understand how to love more than one person as intimately as a lover. Sex definitely complicates things between two people. How can you justify your attraction to a friend? How do you tell your current lover you’re interested in them and another person? Polyamory is natural for everyone. It’s how you approach your feelings and how honest you are about it to yourself and others that makes all the difference. Cheating is gross and should be avoided at all costs. Loving, or being intimate with, more than one person can be a beautiful thing if the situation is handled like a grown up. 

In fact, it’s often the people that scream the loudest against polyamory that will eventually get caught cheating on their husband or wife. We live in a world that values only what they can see on the surface of everything far too much. If a man finds a woman that is not his wife attractive and would like to be intimate with her, he’s not doing anything wrong. Desire is normal. Where he goes wrong is not sharing this information with his wife then having an affair that betrays their marriage. Telling your wife you find another woman attractive may sound impossible, but when vows are made you have to be willing to be completely honest with each other. If you can’t be honest with each other then what do you really have? Is it a real marriage or just a contract you feel trapped in? Cheating will only make a bad marriage worse. It’s better to take a chance on honesty. You may find that your wife finds the same woman attractive and would like to date her as well. That woman may love the idea of becoming a sister wife and joining your family. Aren’t those possibilities far better than living in lies and secrecy?

Another thing people that love each other need to embrace is that we are always evolving. Two people that love each other very much might find shifting sexuality and attractions, or various causes, lead to sexual dry spells in a marriage or partnership. Too often people assume this is a sign of a problem between lovers when it may only be revealing a need for a little adventure. Despite being creatures of habit, humans have a built in desire to explore. This is where it goes right back to living honestly. While the basis of the song is a bit unfortunate, the ultimate result of Elton John’s Pina Colada song is a discovery that the two lovers were still perfect for each other all along. Rather than sneaking around behind each others backs, though, why not explore dating others together? Ultimately, your spouse or life partner should be your best friend with whom you can explore anything without shame. If that is not the case, it’s time to start making it right. 

As polyamorous people, opportunities for new relationships are always all around you. It’s important to keep an open mind, but be certain to know appropriate boundaries around people that are just friends. It’s not healthy to live every day prowling for dates. Friends you are not involved with intimately should never feel uncomfortable around you or your partners. It’s not only disrespectful to them, it’s disrespectful to your lovers too. Nobody likes a person that is constantly hitting on people. That being said, it’s very possible for a friendship to evolve into something more. It can be tough tip-toeing around shifting boundaries. Something that feels natural to you might come across as predatory to someone else. If you are the polyamorous person already you have to be the adult in the situation. Talk to your current partners about developments, make sure everyone is on board, and let the interested friend make all the moves initially. Don’t be stand-offish in any way, but help them be certain this is what they want. If you’re the interested friend in this situation there are also responsibilities you need to know. 

It’s possible, depending on your polyamorous interest’s agreement with their current partners, that you could have a personal relationship with them. It’s more likely you’d be getting involved, in some way, with everyone in either the polygamous or polyamorous family. Do not get any ideas in your head that you can take them away from their current lovers. If you want to date a polyamorous person you have to fully embrace and respect their current lovers and situation. If you are not able to handle sharing there is no shame in remaining only friends. The shame comes from meddling in an established relationship with a malicious intent. You are not saving anyone from their choices or showing them what real love is by interfering with their current life and love. If you’re fortunate enough to become polyamorous you’ll appreciate future prospects showing you this same respect. 

The world of polygamy dating and polyamorous life can be very complicated at times. Different people will prefer different sets of rules and finding a middle ground with all of your partners or sister wives will require open and honest communication all the time. Maintaining friendships outside of your love life is an important part of it as well. We all need friends we can feel no pressure around. Cherish your friendships and be very careful if they begin to evolve into something more. It’s true you will often find your best lovers through building a friendship first, but also true that sex can create unwanted awkwardness if an intimate relationship doesn’t work out. Finding and respecting boundaries is good practice for everyone. Handling shifting boundaries like an adult is vital to maintaining a healthy and happy love life along with a great circle of friends. Love is a beautiful thing in all its forms. Protect and cherish it all. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

TLC’s hit show ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ has been a roller coaster of emotions both on and off screen for the past year. The number of life changing events and level of real life drama among the cast has left fans wondering if it will even be returning for a third season. TLC is no stranger to tragedy and drama, but questions remain about the viability of the show as we know it. A key star of ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ has passed away, relationships have started and ended in dramatic fashion, and the show has been subjected to plenty of public scrutiny concerning its edgy content. No announcements yet, as of the middle of January 2020, could mean ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ either has outdone the turmoils of other shows and met its demise, or TLC is letting the tension build ahead of an explosive new season. They’re certainly not at a loss of fans or entertainment value they’d be crazy to pass up on.  

What’s all of the hubbub? Here’s a rundown for any newbies or curious folks out there, and a refresher for everyone else. 

The death of Bernie McGee in June of 2019 was a major blow to the show as he and wife Paige were not afraid of a dramatic battle of words and will. The couple’s time on the show involved the search for, and dating experience with, a possible sister wife to join their family. It was later revealed that Bernie had a closer dating relationship than revealed on the show with their now ex-girlfriend, Brandy. Brandy outed Bernie for kissing him intimately and attempting to initiate a sexual encounter that his wife Paige knew nothing about. The fireworks that ensued made for an emotional live interaction between the three. Paige ultimately denied the accusations and defended her husband. The show continuing without Bernie may sound like too big of a feat, and Paige has expressed no interest in another season, but TLC hasn’t made an announcement suggesting any intent to cancel. 

Another scar on the show is the surprising and unseemly nature of the demise of another polygamous relationship from the second season. Dimitri and Ashley Snowden had welcomed Vanessa Cobb into their marriage which was a central theme of season two that ended up in an elaborate wedding ceremony as well. Not long after the seasons Tell All episode Vanessa suddenly left the Snowden’s. It was a long courtship, big wedding, lots of hype, then a sudden end. There was speculation the relationship wasn’t real as well as accusations that Vanessa used the Snowden’s, and the show, to seek fame... not to honestly seek being a sister wife. The 'throuple has since refuted all such claims and confirmed they all still love each other, but polygamy simply didn’t work for them. Dimitri and Ashley also confirmed they will continue looking for a sister wife to join their family. They affirm that polygamy was not the issue with Vanessa. It just simply did not work for her the way she had hoped. 

The second season started to experience turbulence even before it aired in a situation that involved the Briney family who were cut from the show entirely. After filming the second season, April Briney decided to leave her family. The tabloids covered the split heavily and the choice to cut the Briney’s came down to the desired direction of the show. Sister wives splitting from their families doesn’t suit the narrative of ‘Seeking Sister Wives’ well. Ignoring some of the harsher realities of dating and marriage to focus on positive dating themes may not have been the best decision, but it certainly shouldn’t prove to be fatal.   

The timing of these major events has understandably created a lot of uncertainty for fans of the show. 2019 was undeniably a difficult year. TLC has not eased any speculation about the show’s demise by remaining silent about it. While fans are concerned by the TLC’s silence they should also consider it a little slice of hope. It’s clear ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ has not yet been cancelled. TLC, and other productions in general, have no habit of secrecy surrounding the cancellation of shows. They also have little to gain by avoiding such announcements, but a lot to gain from allowing the build-up resulting from uncertainty. The best we can do for now is consider the facts and make a well informed prediction. 

TLC is no stranger to turmoil, or even death, surrounding their shows. They often choose subject matter that most other networks won’t even consider. Polygamy was not a safe lifestyle to cover to begin with and they haven’t expressed any regrets about it. Their other polygamy based hit ‘Sister Wives’ is alive and well. In fact, the delay in announcing a third season could be from recognizing the need to reconsider its timing. ‘Sister Wives’ is on its 14th season. The amount of attention and drama ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ has drawn might threaten to distract from an existing hit, so airing it later in the year could help keep both hits alive and thriving. Popular shows have to evolve in order to hold their audience.  

Losing any cast member on a show throws the entire production into a whirlwind, and Bernie McGee was no minor character. His sudden death, along with Vanessa’s split from the Snowden’s and the Briney’s being cut from the show, means TLC has to search high and low for new people to fill a number of roles. Casting is no easy task and it makes or breaks a show. Casting for the third season was announced in April of 2019 before the death of Bernie McGee, which likely delayed and/or extended the timeline necessary to meet unexpected new demands. 

Relationship drama that leads to break-ups or divorces may have been underestimated with the original direction of the show. TLC itself helped bring polygamy into the spotlight and may now have to adjust their presentation of the lifestyle to accommodate the very evolution they encouraged. The number of people interested in becoming or finding a sister wife has swelled with the popularity of TLC’s productions. Heavier vetting of cast members, and consideration about people that are new to the lifestyle having a sudden change of heart about polygamy, is a natural development that will have to be addressed. ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ quite possibly is being held up while they explore new angles and ideas to keep the show current and fresh. 

None of the events influencing the shows future have merited a loss of funding or positive support. Breaking up, divorcing, or suddenly dying are all tragic and painful in their own ways, but not revelations of hidden corruption or poor character. Vanessa Cobb was accused of using the show to gain celebrity, but it’s become clear her relationship with the Snowden’s was very real either way. More than average negative press or opinions about the show existed since its inception as a show about polygamy dating, and will never change. Otherwise, nothing has happened to create any significant new ill will toward the cast members or the production.     

‘Seeking Sister Wife’ has drawn so much attention it’s clear TLC would not want to cancel it. A simple Google search pulls up multiple results from all corners of the media. Popular shows have been canceled before, but in this case it appears extremely unlikely. Actually, outgrowing your original concept and evolving to keep up with the characters, and your audience, are signs of a bright future. TLC’s mission to both inform and entertain through unique and sometimes difficult productions shows no sign of changing. Maybe ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ will make a great summertime series? Maybe it will explode back on the scene with a fresh concept and an incredible new cast (mostly) this fall. The summer of 2019 was a destiny changing phase for the show. Either way, it’s safe to say we’ll know when to expect season 3 soon. It would be no surprise to see the announcement coincide with the end of the current season of ‘Sister Wives’. We’ll be watching. Stay tuned! 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

The holiday season is kicking into high gear and all of the anxiety and stress that can come along with it will be no stranger to many. It’s a time you can’t hide from overwhelming obligations and toxic friends and family that will be knocking at your door. Some people give up on the holidays and hunker down to hide from the world, but that’s probably the worst way to avoid the depression loneliness can bring. When you’re a person that doesn’t always follow the ‘rules’, like polyamorous people, options to have a nice holiday can feel painfully limited. Judgmental family or friends can really take the wind out of your sails even when you think you’re prepared for whatever they might throw at you. In order to avoid the desire to hide away you have to create your own traditions with non-toxic friends and family, or really gear up for the assault of negativity. Here are a few things to keep in mind either way. 

If you’re already part of a polygamous family or polyamorous group, you’re in luck. As a polygamist family grows with new women wanting to be a sister wives so do your own family holiday traditions. Same idea for a polyamorous group. Maximizing time and festivities with those in your core relationships is your first line of defense against people that are opposed to the life you live. One of your sister wives, or partners, may choose to go ahead and go ‘home’ for the holidays and face a disapproving family, but the love from their real home can carry them safely through it. This time of the year is the most important for us to lift our loved ones up. Facing a parent that treats you like a disappointment is never easy even when their reasoning is completely absurd. Family drama can kill a person’s spirit in ways that can last a lifetime. Make sure you’re helping your loved ones find their happy places and reminding them how amazing they are. 

Continuing with the idea of spending time with a disapproving family, it’s important to talk about toxic people. Making choices about your family is incredibly personal. Your choice to continue a relationship with a parent or relative that hurts you emotionally is nobody’s business but your own. It is not, however, off limits for a loved one to tell you they believe one or all of those people are toxic. Sometimes your loved ones notice things you can’t see, or that you refuse to see. If your behavior changes for the worse for days, weeks, or even months after visiting your family it’s important for your loved ones to tell you. Don’t get angry because they care about you. You don’t owe toxic people in your life anything at all, not even your parents if they’re toxic. If people are negatively affecting you it’s important to have a long, hard look at why you keep them in your life. Until you shed any sense of responsibility for the shadow others cast over you, you’ll be stuck in their trap. Don’t ever be guilted into a situation that ultimately harms you. 

Now let’s talk about non-toxic people. Far too much time is spent dealing with toxic people when most of our time would be better spent focusing on building relationships with non-toxic people. ‘Relationships’ referring to simply friendships and/or more. These are people that won’t tear you down to build themselves up. They won’t batter you with judgmental garbage that stems from their own lack of joy. A non-toxic person can be having a bad day yet still do nothing to drag you down to their level. In fact, if you have family members like this you should be building holiday traditions with them as a way to save you both from the agony of miserable people you’re related to. A non-toxic relative will welcome your entire polygamous or polyamorous family without judgement. They will put their lack of knowledge aside to love and respect you and the people you love. Just as you should include non-toxic relatives, you should build traditions with non-toxic friends. True family is chosen family. 

Nobody chooses the life of polygamy or polyamory because it’s an easy option. They choose it because it’s a more honest approach to relationships. Rejecting the hetero-normative standard of lifelong monogamy leads to deeper and stronger loving relationships. Whether it be jealousy, or fear of the unknown, many hetero-normative people are gatekeepers to what they believe is the only moral way to live. Poly people from all types of poly lifestyles have to work together to create new traditions. We have to step up to defend and support each other. The holiday season is possibly the most important time to make a show of support for each other. Reach out to your poly friends to make sure they have someone to talk to. Host holiday parties for your poly friends and non-toxic friends. Excluding judgmental or negative people is an acceptable protest to their behavior. The depression so many are willing to inflict on others in an effort to defend their limited world view earns them zero respect. It is one thing to choose monogamy because it’s right for you, but another thing entirely to impose your personal choice on others. 

Bringing back the joy of the holidays isn’t so difficult when you try. Maybe it’s time to find a polygamous or polyamorous dating service to try and meet a lonely soul you might love. Maybe getting as far as you can from your families with your poly loves is the ticket. The holidays are a time to celebrate and reflect. They give us a little time to just love each other and share our joy. If they aren’t the positive time of year you deserve it’s time to figure out why. We can all help each other find happiness but the first step begins inside you.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Often in life the things we want most turn out to be the hardest to attain. One can suppose this is because the best things in life wouldn’t be so special if they were easy, but that doesn’t help with the waves of frustration everyone will experience at times, even after their greatest efforts. We all come up against moments we feel like giving up. Some say it’s a sign that you’re on the wrong path when things don’t go as hoped, or planned, but nothing is so black and white. When it comes to love the same dilemma applies. Shared disappointment between two lovers is no easier than handling it alone. When polyamorous dreams fall apart, pulling yourself back together can take time, but it can be done, and you can be better because of it. 

Taking time to reevaluate is a habit everyone should build into their regular life. Exploring motivations, considering capabilities, and testing desires are ways to lead a fuller and more in depth life based on your ever evolving self. This applies to relationships as well. Polyamorous couples may go through periods of time polyamory won’t work for them just as much as they might go long periods of time without meeting anyone that would fit in their relationship. If you meet someone for the first time in a long time and it doesn’t go well, it’s easy to feel polyamory just isn’t right for you. Maybe it’s not, but be careful not to jump to conclusions because of a few bad experiences. If you’ve had a poly mind set for any considerable time you want to make sure you aren’t removing options that actually help keep your current relationship exciting and thriving. Even if all you ever end up sharing is the ‘thrill of the hunt’, that may be something which ultimately pulls your current relationship closer. This is not to recommend being skeevy or messing with people’s heads, but limiting each other too much due to a couple regretted intruders could cause more strain than it’s worth. 

Do not blame yourself! Never blame yourself when a relationship doesn’t work out. The inability for people to remain in each others lives is a natural process. It’s better to learn to spot the signs of incompatibility than to waste energy wondering what you did wrong. When a polygamous man finds a potential sister wife for his family everything may seem perfect in the beginning. Everything may seem perfect months into dating to an untrained eye. Unfortunately, everyone is borderline lying when they meet someone new. Lying may seem too strong of a term but we certainly are presenting the best versions of ourselves in an attempt to ‘sell’ ourselves to this potential new mate. This is normal behavior and we all do it. A polygamous man needs to observe how a possible new sister wife interacts with his entire family. He needs to gauge how well she’ll be able to share a husband with other women. The potential new sister wife also needs to pay attention to how the sister wives treat her and how the husband handles the courtship. She should feel welcome and loved, never like a commodity or burden. The same concept applies to any polyamorous relationship. Think back to how easy your current relationship felt in the beginning. Think about how very much in love you were. If the new prospect is nothing like that for everyone involved it is at least a sign to proceed with caution. 

Never stop evolving. Stagnation is one of the toughest places to be in life. It thwarts creativity, energy, and general well-being. If you and your partner have experienced a failed attempt at dating someone new the desire to start nesting with each other and shut out the world will be strong. It’s fine to do that for a little while, but while you’re nursing each others wounds make sure you’re discussing all of your feelings and ideas about your future together. Times like this should bring you closer. It’s easy to throw in the towel on polyamory after a break up. Maybe you’re right, but it’s better to take a little time before making that decision. Fresh heartache can make us feel too hopeless to be making any major decisions about the future. Relish in the fact you still have each other and find your way back to knowing everything will be okay. 

Let yourself be annoyed or angry, but don’t let it poison you. Obviously, when someone wastes your time, or breaks your heart, it’s not something that will just roll off your back. Expressing your frustration in responsible ways is far healthier than trying to ignore it or bottle it up inside. At some point you have to let it go because you don’t want it to poison you forever. Hanging on to a bad experience will actually work to create more bad experiences in your life. Search for the important lessons to take away from everything and let all things become part of the past. You can choose to bring all the joy of your past with you to your future, or you can drag all the negative aspects with you. It’s hard enough to hang on to the best things in life, especially if we’re clinging on to the bad. 

Relationships are tough no matter what type you’re trying to build. Even basic friendships take work. Nobody is truly a perfect match for anyone because it just doesn’t work that way. Without wanting to sound too cold or formulaic, we have to learn to do a cost-benefit analysis of where we spend the most energy in our lives. This applies to polyamorous and polygamous dating as well. If it is taking more than it’s giving it’s fine to give it a rest. In fact, it’s often when we stop looking too much that the best things in life find their way to us. Keeping an open heart and mind paired with a careful eye for lessons already learned serves us best. Breaking up will never be fun. The feeling of rejection and failure will never be easy to swallow, but it’s not your fault life and relationships are so complex. Embrace the love you already have in your life and never be afraid to pursue your collective dreams.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

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