Chris's article

Imagine a world where plural marriage or relationships are the social norm. Families would consist of multiple people in every household, relationships could be more free to evolve, loneliness would decrease, and even sacrifices made for love would become far less daunting. When considering all of the benefits of a polyamorous lifestyle it’s hard to imagine how it has not been a social norm for centuries already. With a move toward more general acceptance in recent years, polyamory may soon see the day it becomes the standard and the world can be a happier, more fulfilling, place. Monogamy may soon be viewed for what it is. It’s more a form of power plays and control than it is a form of true love. 

The story is all too common. Young boy meets young girl, they fall madly in love, and marriage seems like the logical next step. Monogamous marriage is currently the only socially acceptable way for two people to make their relationship official. Time goes by and the boy and girl become a man and a woman. They don’t hate each other but cannot help feeling like something in life is missing. This feeling builds and builds until they start blaming each other for the things they feel they lack in life. Resentment sets in and their love transforms into indifference, possibly hate, if they do nothing to stop the downhill slide. Divorce becomes the seemingly logical option and the painful process of separating years of a life together begins. Why do people continue doing this to themselves? Why are other options out of the question for so many people?

Imagine the same scenario but in a world where polyamory is the expectation. Marriage still exists but it does not carry the weight of monogamy. This same man and woman could decide to find a sister wife or might meet another couple they could date together. They might form a polygamous family and enjoy a big home full of sister wives or they may simply just date other people together occasionally. The option of dating others separately is also on the table for some. The point is, feeling trapped with one person due to a legal contract isn’t love, it’s control. Control works for a little while. It helps a person feel they can accomplish things because they know what to expect. The problem is that you can’t truly control another person. Attempting to do so leads to misery on both ends. The thought of keeping a husband or wife in your life because leaving you would be difficult for them to accomplish should make you sick to your stomach. Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to believe trapping someone in your life is appropriate and good. Polyamory is the answer to this absurdity. 

Polyamory is empowering. It frees people to seek the meaningful relationships they truly desire. It allows people to find true fulfillment and happiness. Humans love connecting to each other, which polyamory allows us to do indefinitely. The fact that a married woman is viewed critically for going to lunch with a man that is not her husband is proof that monogamy seeks only to control people. When something so basic as a friendship is frowned upon due to a person’s marital status you can rest assured that the current rules of marriage have few altruistic intents. Nothing can compete with the ability to live honestly with the people you love. Why would you want to participate in a monogamous lifestyle when it breeds so much deceit? 

It’s important to remember that being polyamorous or polygamous does not mean one lacks the ability to commit. It does not mean people are being selfish or greedy either. It’s simply agreeing to the fact that monogamy is not natural for humans, and it’s opening up to forming relationships that reflect the deeper connections humans can have with multiple people. It’s accepting that just because your partner got wrapped up in a moment and shared a kiss with someone else, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you deeply. Opening the door to allow for and share these experiences with each other should help you grow closer, instead of driving you apart. Giving your lovers the ability to live their life with real intent gives them the space to truly know themselves and the ability to give even more to the relationship. One could argue that monogamy hardly represents true love at all. It’s essentially a business agreement in many cases. 

Anyone that has any inkling of interest in polygamy or polyamory should explore the option without question. If you’ve had any fantasy of becoming a sister wife or dating a couple, try it. As long as you find people that actually suit you, chances are you will find happiness and fulfillment like you thought might be impossible. The more people the better. Power in numbers means polyamorous and polygamous people should be recruiting others to explore the idea. Of course, the poly life isn’t for everyone, but the number of lives and marriages that can be saved by polyamory is staggering. Throwing down the shackles of traditional marriage is the answer to so many problems in so many lives and there are plenty of online resources to explore poly and polygamy dating that allow for you to take your time. Making polyamory a normal and widely accepted option will only make the world a better place for us all.     

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Living with intent has been a popular buzz phrase lately. It means to do everything to the best of your ability and on purpose. Taking control of your life like this is not always easy, but it leads to a life you actually wanted rather than a life dealt to you by random circumstances. Within a relationship intent can benefit you in two ways. Not only can you create the relationship you truly desire, you can also more easily translate the actions of your lovers. When approaching living with intent one shouldn’t neglect to consider the intents of others. The ability to spot someone with ill intent toward you, or a person that has none of your best interests in mind, will save you from heaps of trouble. When you have multiple romantic partners, or members of your poly group or family, intent can be a little complicated at times. Here are some ways to keep yourself and your loved ones on the right track. 

Rejecting thougthless behavior is one of the most basic rules when dealing with anyone, lover or not. Treating others as you’d like to be treated is not a new concept. It’s one of the most enduring methods to build a better life we know. When you’re dating a potential new polyamorous lover, or dating a potential sister wife to join your polygamous family, it’s best to avoid anyone that seems to dismiss this golden rule. Yes, the catty comments or funny antics of someone with little consideration for others can be entertaining, but consider this behavior in a long term situation. Does this person truly have ill intentions or lack empathy? If they really are so apathetic, or selfish, one could never expect them to be a reliable partner or benefit to a family. Spotting this type will keep you from bad situations and further you along the path of living a happy life. 

Making it a point to avoid laziness every day is another way to live a life full of purpose. We all have those days we know absolutely nothing is going to get done. It’s human. Purposely minimizing those days will keep you much happier in life. Think about it. Those days are usually a result of questionable behavior. Drinking too much, staying up too late, not eating well, or spending too much energy on things that serve too small of a purpose. Wasting time leads to exponentially wasting more time. This all can lead to something far worse than just some unhappy days, it can eventually lead to depression. Polyamorous and polygamous people have a special advantage in having multiple partners to turn to for help. Never shy away from a conversation about wanting to find more purpose, or living with more intent, from a lover. Also don’t be too shy to discuss this with lovers about yourself. They can help you discover purpose, or maybe even join you on an endeavor that will give you both even more in life to share. 

The entire point of dating, whether its polygamy dating, poly dating, monogamous dating, or whatever you choose, is to seek more from life through a relationship with other people. Consider how unfortunate it can be when a person dates with no intent beyond finding anyone that will take them. This is why knowing ourselves, and being clear about our intentions, is so important. Too many people are marrying whomever makes them feel good rather than considering all of the forces that are bringing them together. Is this person helping you blossom in your career or are they getting your bills paid? Do they make your parents happy, or do they make you happy? It’s very easy to take the easy routes in life, but it also, most often, leads to a life of trouble finding your own purpose and voice. For existing couples or families it’s equally important to avoid these people. Don’t bring a woman into your family just because she wants to be a sister wife. Bring her in because she will make a great sister wife and will be a benefit to the family. It sounds a little crude, but in the long run it’s better for you and her both. Same goes for any poly groups or families. Watch out for people that are serving the wrong interests in their own life. 

Once your family or group are moving along nicely and everyone is living with the best intents they know of at their respective points in life, it’s important to focus on maintenance. People change, relationships evolve, and regular maintenance is not a thing to ignore. Waiting for a disaster instead of preventive care is never a good idea. It’s like waiting until the dishes are piled to the ceiling instead of cleaning as you go. You’ll want to just sell the house instead of all that cleaning. Keeping up with each others personal lives and monitoring each other a little can help everyone keep evolving in healthy ways. If you notice a sister wife or partner making the couch the center of their life maybe come up with a project you can both work on. Sometimes you can pull someone out of a slump without going into details they are processing in their own minds by just getting them to join you for something else. You could also annoy them, so be gentle. However, if a partner or sister wife starts to push everyone away, it’s time for some tough love. Inconsiderate and careless behavior can’t be accepted in any long term sense. Once a person starts showing you they have no good intentions with you, there are few choices. They can either get themselves back into a better mindset or they need to be on their way. The same goes for you. You don’t have to love everyone or everything all the time, but once you have nothing good to offer you need to figure out a different path in life. Good will and good intentions work hand in hand and are the result of a person making an effort to be their best. 

It’s far too easy to get in a slump. When all of your good efforts seem to be going nowhere it’s easy to assume nothing is worth it. Relationships that only fill a hole are easy to find and too many people seem content living in the private little hell they’ve built. When you commit to living with intent, and to helping your lovers do the same, you’ll find how easy it really can be. The imperfections in life become smaller, disappointment becomes a little speed bump, and your lovers can grow closer. Having a polygamous family, or polyamorous group, to lean on makes a life with purpose so much easier to attain it would be silly not to try. Keep your thoughts positive and pure, your actions full of purpose, and you’ll find the entire world around you will become a brighter place for you and all your loves to enjoy.    

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

It’s easy to imagine that a polyamorous person would have few limitations. The very act of being polyamorous suggests a person is open minded and enjoys a little adventure. For many in the poly community this rings true, but one should never assume anything when it comes to other people’s limitations or comfort zones. As much as we shouldn’t make assumptions about others, we should also not put ourselves into situations that bring unreasonable amounts of discomfort. Knowing your boundaries, and how they can be tested, is a key element in finding the right people to share yourself with in any kind of relationship. Approaching every situation being certain of who you are, and what you like, will keep you from being the timid type that never ends up with anything you really want. 

Before you start drawing lines in the sand, it’s important to remember that these lines are not to keep you from trying new things. They are simply areas you are certain would be outside of your comfort zone. It’s also important to remember that your comfort zones can change. Taking time to reassess your interests occasionally will keep you fresh and up to date with yourself. Part of being polyamorous is also understanding you cannot limit your partners because of your boundaries. You can discuss the standards everyone in the relationship would like to follow, but those standards should never come from a place of controlling or limiting your lovers. It’s better to be honest if you want lasting relationships, so don’t make any partner feel they can’t be truthful with you.  

Sometimes lines in the sand seem like they should naturally come with whatever territory your relationship is in. When in Rome you speak Italian, right? Not necessarily. There are hundreds of languages spoken in Rome. If you’re a woman that wants to become a sister wife it might seem obvious that you’d find a heterosexual man living with heterosexual sister wives. A man looking for a sister wife may have no idea he might find a bisexual woman. When you step back from the situation you’re in, it becomes easier to see how arbitrary assumptions can be. There is no reason to expect none of your sister wives to want sexual intimacy with each other. There is even less reason to discourage them from it. There is also no reason to discourage a man with sister wives from exploring feelings he may develop for another man. None of these things are a cause for tearing a happy polygamist family apart. In fact, they are all ways a family can help each other live fuller and happier lives! 

Typically, females have an easier time experimenting with homosexuality than males, or at least they’re more willing to discuss it. Many men maintain a hard line against any action they’d consider ‘homo.’ If those feelings do come up, even with a poly male that has always been a hard line hetero, it’s vitally important not to dismiss nor diminish the validity of those feelings. None of his girlfriends, or sister wives, should make him feel like less of a man for it, ever! That’s not love and support, that’s bullying. Forcing or coercing anyone to deny who they are, 100%, never leads to a good outcome. 

Beyond sexual boundaries there are countless lines in the sand people can impose on their relationships, polyamorous or not. Polyamory does not mean everyone involved can run around dating whoever, or always doing whatever they want! A lot of consideration goes into a polyamorous relationship’s limitations. While many poly people don’t want to impose limits on a lover, no limits or commitments can make relationships become pointless over time. It is possible to have a lover with zero boundaries, but for the sake of reducing anxiety alone, most people need some form of agreement and sacrifice that helps a relationship maintain a purpose. It’s better when two poly people that start dating already have an idea of what works for them rather than too much trial and error while trying to make it work. Making compromises is inevitable so be prepared to make your absolute boundaries clear while relenting on any soft boundaries you can. 

It’s difficult to express how important it is to not only stick to your lines in the sand, but also stay open to evolving them. Everyone enjoys their comfort zones. Many people enjoy their comfort zones way too much. Getting stuck in your comfort zone can cause as many problems as crossing boundaries too fast and hard. There is a balance we’d all do best to find. This is why forgiveness and understanding, lots of it, are both key factors in long lasting, healthy relationships. Accepting the imperfections of people, lovers and others, will prevent so many problems along your path. 

If it seems this article spent a little more time railing against ‘lines in the sand’ than helping find them, you’re right. A hard line against anything needs to come from a very real core feeling. It shouldn’t be there because society says it should, or because you’re scared of something new. In fact, if your polyamorous relationships aren’t helping you expand your views and possibilities, you might be doing something wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with embracing your very real limits, but there is everything wrong with doing it blindly out of fear or judgment. All of our relationships are about growth. Whether it be with your sister wives, your triad, your quad, or your open or closed poly family, you should be helping each other grow. Poly people should be the last to fear multiplying their love and experiencing new ways to love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Finding time for yourself is an important part of a balanced life. Time for self reflection, soul searching, unwinding, and just enjoying who you are leads to being a more well-rounded and happy individual. Personal joy is such a huge part of interpersonal joy that the lack of it can lead to the destruction of your relationships, and eventually yourself. The modern world does little to encourage personal time. Paid time off from work is a rarity nowadays for the majority of Americans and there’s an odd expectation that we are constantly supposed to be there for everyone whenever needed. Boundaries are difficult to set without seeming rude, or even cold to some. Here’s something to remember, people that treat you this way need more time to themselves in the worst way. How do you do it? How do you find the time and express in words the need for ‘me time?’ How do you tell your polyamorous lovers you need time to yourself?

An early step is to detect the life leeches you know and figure out what boundaries you need so you are not drained by them. It’s easy to always want to help, and it’s a good way to be. Wanting to help is the way you should respond to real problems. Too many pleas for help are only pleas for attention in disguise. The sooner you learn how to detect bullshit and politely exit the room the better. If you find it’s one of your poly lovers, or a sister wife, it won’t be so easy to deflect, so you have to find ways to help them help themselves. Lover or not, you cannot solve all of another persons’ issues, especially when they’re essentially creating drama in order to gain your attention. Don’t ever feel bad for insisting that someone cannot take advantage of you, no matter who they are in your life. 

Say you’re a woman in a polygamous family and your husband has been looking for a new sister wife to grow the family. A new sister wife is supposed to be a benefit, a positive influence on an already happy home. Sometimes a polygamous man can have a little trouble seeing past a pretty face and sweet demeanor. You, as a sister wife, and someone who loves your husband and other sister wives, should never be afraid of pointing out fears that a particular woman would require too much from the family without giving enough back. If she is the type to always require everyone's attention and wants too much of everyone's time it may be best for the family to move along. Anyone that takes an excessive amount from you will never be worth the sacrifice. No matter what your poly lifestyle consists of, finding poly lovers that understand a healthy level of give and take is vital to any relationships success.

Once you’ve avoided or addressed time leech issues in your relationships you can move on to ways to make time for yourself. It should go without saying that words like “I don’t want you to come with me, you’re not invited,” or “leave me alone” come from a negative and destructive place. These are expressions you don’t use against someone you claim to love. They’re also quite childish. Learning to communicate with positive terms, and not like a petulant child, will serve you well in all areas of life. “I feel like I need an evening to myself, Do you mind if I have a little space,” or “I think I’ll sit this one out, you go have fun” get the point across in ways that aren’t hurtful and don’t express any frustration with others when it’s you wanting ‘me time.’ The old rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you fits here. Express yourself in ways you’d like to be spoken to. 

Becoming suddenly excessive about wanting ‘me time’ is a big red flag. Don’t plan a week-long vacation by yourself, unless it’s your normal thing, and not expect your partners to find it strange and alarming. Women become sister wives to enjoy a happy family, not to deal with an erratic husband that plans random long vacations because he doesn’t want to be around them. Nobody is in a polyamorous relationship so they can behave in weird and selfish ways that leave everyone constantly on edge. If you feel the need to push your lovers away, or not be around them for long periods of time, it’s not ‘me time’ you’re searching for. You need to dig into your feelings with your lovers and figure out the problem. ‘Me time’ is evenings, maybe some weekends, to yourself while you enjoy your unique interests or have time for self reflection. That’s the idea of it anyway. Everyone is unique and your partners should have a decent expectation of what is normal for you. Don’t jump too far outside of your normal behaviors and not expect any concern from your lovers. 

Set an expectation for everyone in your relationships to have time for themselves. It’s so easy to get trapped in a daily routine and forget who we are. Our unique selves get buried in the expectations of a busy and impersonal world. Making ‘me time’ something you and your lovers encourage each other to enjoy will keep all of you healthier and happier. This will make your relationships far more fulfilling than those involving people that aren’t even aware of who they are any more. Loving someone means you should always help them be their best selves. 

We accuse each other of being selfish far too much these days. It’s better to let people take the time they need without judging them for it. We don’t know what they’re going through, and we don’t know when we’re going to need more time to focus on ourselves too. It’s difficult when it’s a lover that needs some space, but even more important to give it to them. Take advantage of it by embracing ‘me time’ for yourself too. Quite often, the more space you allow leads to less space needed. As amazing as polygamous and polyamorous relationships are, they naturally require a lot of your attention. Multiplying love means you have a lot of love to maintain. You’re all in it to love each other, not to suffocate each other. Set each other free, sometimes, and enjoy the strength your love will discover. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

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