Chris's article

Polyamorous people have an enormous edge over monogamous people in life. It might even be a little unfair because the freedom and opportunity poly people enjoy, if appropriately utilized, can make us unstoppable. Forging your own path in life and allowing yourself, and your loved ones, to explore the things that really make you tick can lead to boundless joy and success. Here are a few suggestions to help take advantage of everything your polyamorous life has to offer. 

Do not ever get bogged down in the judgments and expectations others will gladly lay on you. It’s unfortunate, but sadly true, that the world is full of people who find trepidation in the joy of others. We’ve all had a bad day and have been guilty of rolling our eyes at someone being a little too happy for our current mood. Many people, however, are that way all of the time. The amount of love you live with and exude every day as a poly person will make them want to scratch your eyes out. Learning to handle their judgments against you with grace will keep everyone in the room enjoying their time around you. Others aren’t so miserable in their daily life, but have a severe addiction to control. Your freedom will conjure up thoughts of immorality in their minds because that’s the easiest way to put you back in the little box they need you in. Most of them will just think as they wish about you and keep it to themselves, but not all of them. When encountering someone trying to publicly stick you back in one of their ‘boxes’ you should rip the box to shreds. Your life and your love is none of their g.d. business and you have to make sure they know it. Politeness is good most of the time but don’t be a pushover. 

Choose love wisely, every time. The ability to enjoy multiple partners does not mean any of them should be taken lightly. A polygamous man looking for sister wives knows that each new sister wife needs to be an asset to his family. A woman looking to become a sister wife needs to enjoy her entire prospective family, at least for the most part. The same goes for polyamorous people joining an existing group. Multiple people loving each other and building loving groups or families can turn bad quickly if anyone involved isn’t taking it seriously. Polyamorous people have to be confident, honest, and forthcoming if they want successful relationships. Timidity is a big red flag. It signals discomfort and possibly some terrible secrets. On the other end of the spectrum are blowhards. This is an even bigger red flag. A person living honestly and according to their genuine character has no need to be boastful. Boasting is usually a cover-up for things a person lacks. Pity these people, don’t date them and think you can fix them. You cannot. 

Take advantage of the power of numbers! Polyamorous people aren’t bound to the ridiculous notion that a married man or woman can’t hang out alone with someone of the opposite sex. They can also maintain a social life in ways a traditional married couple often has to forfeit in order to be the little nuclear family they’re told to be. A healthy social life means more contacts and more opportunities will come your way throughout your entire life. There is no shame in networking. Humans are social creatures and removing opportunities for connections in your life will only lead to depression, lack of motivation, or worse. As you build your poly family over the years there comes another advantage with the numbers. A lot of people prefer to live alone, or with just one partner, but I’m a big proponent of stacking multiple incomes to enhance your buying power. Five working adults can buy an amazing property together even if none of them make six figures individually. The same goes for vacations, cars, etc. Stacking incomes and sharing responsibilities among multiple people can make life so much nicer. It puts a whole new twist on ‘The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker.’ Now that would be a fun tub to share! 

Encourage others to explore polyamory. This refers back to power in numbers a bit, but it’s very important to promote the poly lifestyle. Not only will it help increase numbers and visibility which can lead to social normalization, it also introduces others to happy lives they may have otherwise never thought possible. I’m not saying go door to door to spread ‘the good word’ like many religious groups do, but being out as poly and encouraging the lifestyle for others will go a long way. Religious groups have often accused gay people of ‘recruiting’ more gay people. That’s a ludicrous accusation, of course, but in reality it’s not a bad idea. Why not ‘recruit’ people to live a life that will make them happier and more complete if it suits them? Now we can touch back on the point about addiction to control. There are plenty of naysayers that can’t handle people enjoying happiness and freedom, don’t let them stop you. 

The truth is, if you’re already enjoying a polygamous family or polyamorous group you very likely have already been maximizing your life. It comes with the territory. Poly people decide to become sister wives or join a poly group because it’s already in their character to make the most of life. It’s not hard to live a wonderful life when it’s full of so much love. Using all of that love and confidence along with making good choices for you and all of your family or partners will produce a life many can only dream of. Enjoy it. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Before I begin, I should point out that the barriers this article explores are not inherent in polyamory itself. These barriers are placed on polyamorous and polygamous people by forces outside of their relationships. We live in a world full of people that are ever-ready to limit or tear others down. Wielding power over others is like a drug for too many people. They prey on differences they know will strike fear in the general population and exploit this to maintain a superior position, or at least the feeling of it. Once you’ve fallen victim to one of these people it can be seemingly impossible to recover your reputation and relationships in a community. It’s never been more important for people with unique lives to hold each other up. Polygamists, polyamorous people, anyone that is LGBTQ, immigrants, and people of color all need to set our differences aside and help each other fight hateful forces. The only way to create positive change in the world is to remove the power of negativity and hate. Knowing how to identify negativity and hate, and where it comes from, is the first step in a better direction.

Polygamous families have faced discrimination for decades now. What was once a fairly normal practice somehow became taboo over the last few centuries. It used to be kings or wealthy men that looked for the historical equivalent of sister wives. Over the years marriage became the social norm for rich and poor alike, but somehow along with this evolution polygamy became an unpopular choice. Recent developments have reintroduced polygamy as a viable option and the morality vultures have been circling ever since. Rather than supporting a woman that wants to become a sister wife, much of society acts quickly to attack her character and accuse her of being weak, or even dumb. Men that want sister wives are often called monsters and abusers. Society just can’t handle the idea of a relationship or marriage unlike their own. It would be one thing to disagree with polygamy and leave polygamists alone, but that’s too often not the case. Polymagous families need to be prepared, both legally and emotionally, to address criticism quickly and efficiently. Learning to be unaffected by hate from others will keep your reaction logical and effective. 

Polyamorous people might have an easier time than polygamists in the public eye, but don’t get too comfortable. Polygamy and polyamory are essentially the same idea. Both involve multiple people being involved intimately with each other. Even though more people might have a negative association with the word ‘polygamy,’ don’t think for a second that plenty of people don’t deeply disapprove of polyamory. There are plenty of conservative old housewives alone out there that would believe they’re accomplishing an important mission by outing polyamorists and informing them of what she perceives as ‘the right way to live’ in a very public way. Don’t forget that we live in an age with people following something called ‘The Gospel of Wealth.’ People really believe God rewards them for being strict Christians. Enforcing their values onto your poly group or family would only serve as a reason for more rewards from God in their eyes. Shaming you into their way of life is not beneath them. These self-described ‘Christians’ are in it for the benefits, and power, not for any altruistic purpose. Don’t get caught in their web. 

There are plenty of good people in the world, both Christian and non-Christian, religious and non-religious. Find the good people and pursue social relationships with them. Building a network with the good people of the world is the only way to push back against the barriers we don’t deserve to face in life. People that choose to follow their own paths need each other. This is why cities like New York and LA have successful people from all walks of life. They provide alternate communities for all kinds of people due to their large and concentrated populations. This doesn’t mean smaller areas can’t provide the same opportunity for everyone. With a little effort even a small town can embrace diversity and provide a safe space for all. Whatever your faith is, don’t let anyone claim to own the patent on Christianity (or any other religion). A person using their faith to harm others is proof their faith is false. You can safely reject the walls they try to build around you. Damage can still be done but confidence and certainty of your moral high ground will help you recover. 

The only real barriers in life are the ones we accept. Not to say other people can’t make life difficult, but most of the limits you feel come from your acceptance of the barriers others place on you. If you are a man that knows finding sister wives and building a polygamous family is right for you, do it. If you’re a woman that knows being a sister wife will make you truly happy, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not an acceptable option. If polyamory is your path to healthy relationships and a life of joy, why on earth would you let a miserable person discourage you from your dreams. A friend with valid concerns is a good thing. A person that’s jealous of your joy is dangerous. Learn to spot the difference and never surrender to the standards others are only interested in using against you. Your life, your loves’, your way.      

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Most people have felt it but many may not have heard of it yet. New Relationship Energy, NRE, is a serious thing! That feeling when you meet someone new and everything seems to fall perfectly in place even though it looks like a mess from the outside. The desire to see this new person all the time and constantly texting them in between. It’s the feeling of being on top of the world with someone you swear you can spend the rest of your life with. NRE is a dangerous and exciting phenomenon that can either merge lives together into beautiful relationships, or it can blind people by making them ignore red flags all over the place. NRE can also make or break current relationships if it’s inebriating effects aren’t reigned in to maintain logical, respectful, behaviors. Polyamorous and polygamous people especially need to be careful when NRE has intoxicated them. It can be productive and enlightening, or it can be addictive and destructive if you’re not careful. 

In general, for polygamous people, it will be the man of the family that’s seeking out potential new sister wives and always having polygamy dating on his mind. It’s natural for a man to desire multiple women and the polygamous lifestyle, of course, encourages men to fulfill this natural urge. As long as his current sister wives are happy and the family is functioning in healthy ways there should be no issues with growing the family. No issues today doesn’t always lead to a trouble free tomorrow though. If a polygamous man is constantly seeking and dating potential new sister wives one has to wonder where the motivation is coming from. Are his intentions pure or is he addicted to NRE? It’s an easy addiction to develop. Love is a drug and when it’s fresh in your system the feeling is indescribable. There is no need to be ashamed as long as he can own up to his problem and learn to maintain his focus on always putting his family first. 

Polyamorous relationships can run into the same issue of dating for the sake of constantly feeling NRE. Whether a couple or group are constantly dating new people together or separately, it’s not fair to the relationship to spend too much energy seeking new people all the time. As with most things, relationships develop better when they aren’t being forced. Endlessly seeking new dates removes the magic of meeting someone naturally. It will also put a strain on your existing relationships whether you want to believe it or not. As I’ve mentioned many times before, polyamory isn’t about dating every person you think is attractive or feeding a sex (or NRE) addiction. It’s about building multiple deeply loving relationships even after the New Relationship Energy has worn off. A polyamorous person with no moral compass or inclination for self control can quickly become a selfish clown that is bringing the opposite of love into many lives. 

It’s important to step back and consider your motivation for almost anything you’re doing. You should do this frequently. Some things are simple. You know you go to work because you get paid to work and you need the money to live. What about the bar or cafe you frequent? What compels you to choose that place most of the time? Why do you, maybe, prefer one type of shoe most of the time? These things sound trivial but it’s a good exercise in learning to be in touch with your motivations. Developing insight into the things that motivate you can help in making better choices, including in your dating life. When you meet someone that is drop dead gorgeous it’s easy to fall for them just because they’re giving you attention. They could be fresh out of prison for selling crack and their looks can have you under a spell in no time. NRE is strong and you have to watch out for people who know how to use it against you. Being in touch with your motivations can ensure the hottie is a ‘one and done’ situation, if anything, instead of you or your car ending up in a drug bust six months down the road. 

What if it’s too late? What if you got wrapped up in a relationship with someone that is absolutely wrong for you and the NRE has worn off? Never forget the power of NOW. The sooner you correct a bad thing the better. You never have more power over a relationship than when you first make eye contact. The early days are a time that breaking it off might sting but it isn’t going to create a permanent scar. The longer and more intertwined you become with a person or group you’re dating the more energy you’re going to have to muster to get out. This is why it’s so important to be in touch with what drives you. Pretty eyes can capture your attention but a solid understanding of oneself can steer you to another set of pretty eyes that will build you up instead of wear you down. 

New Relationship Energy is a beautiful thing. It should be something to enjoy while it leads to amazing relationships. The privilege polyamorous and polygamous people have to experience it all through their life should be handled with care. It’s a gift that can keep on giving as long as everyone involved stays responsible, honest, understanding, and most of all loving. Whether you’re sharing the experience with your current lovers or sister wives, or enjoying someone new just for yourself, never neglect the love already in your life. Every relationship helps make you who you are. Make sure you’re worth it.    


Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

With all the the fun and excitement the polyamorous life offers, it’s easy to get a little too wrapped up in it. The benefits of poly love can quickly decline into a world of hurt for yourself and the people you care about. Every relationship is different and limitations must be catered to each person involved in a plural marriage or relationship. Even if you’ve set little to no boundaries on the relationship you can still go too far. How do you figure out your personal boundaries and have the courage to express them to your loved ones? How do you pull back and be honest when you’ve slid in the wrong direction?

First of all, you have to find people that are compatible with you from the get-go. As discussed in previous articles, the poly life is not something to dive blindly into. Taking time to search your soul and knowing the relationships that will actually work for you is vital for long term enjoyment in poly dating and relationships. There are differing measures of ‘too much’ for everyone so sharing your thoughts and ideas about boundaries can determine whether or not a medium ground can be found between two people. If that compromise doesn’t really work for you don’t try to force it. You can still be friends, even if it’s only with occasional benefits. As long as any other partners are aware of your situation, you’re golden. 

Once you’ve settled on some boundaries and standards with a love interest, don’t be a jerk! It’s one thing to have evolving feelings and desires, it’s another to deceive a lover. Having the courage to be forthcoming about your feelings with your lovers is paramount to maintaining healthy relationships. The very nature of polyamory is to not expect your partner to be exclusively with you, so on the other end of this, also, don’t be a jerk! Don’t draw lines in the sand out of jealousy or fear because there will come a time you’ve met someone of interest and will want your partners to be okay with it. Polyamory is a two way street. To expect all the fun for yourself and none for your lovers is not polyamorous, it’s selfish. 

Let’s say you didn’t follow any of this advice and you’ve already been inappropriate with a new interest. If you have a fully open policy it can be okay, but I find most poly people still like to know about these things, even if just for the health safety factor. So, for the sake of this article the situation is that you’ve already taken a new interest too far and your current partners don’t know about it. Sorry to say, you made the mistake so you have to fess up to it. Don’t wait until it’s comfortable for you. Don’t wait until another partner messes up. Don’t dare put it off until you’re breaking up just to hurt your now ex-lover. Be a grown up. If you don’t have the confidence to own up to your relationship mistakes you need to work on yourself before getting involved intimately with others. Depending on your relationships setup, and your partners acceptance, you may even be able to pull in this new person if you have real feelings for them. 

That being said, polyamory does not mean a person can run around sleeping with whomever they’d like all the time. That’s not how relationships work. You can sleep with someone you run into once in a while, or when on vacation, or maybe that you’ve met online, occasionally. You can do this if your relationship allows for it, of course. However, you notice the use of the words ‘once in a while’ and ‘occasionally?’ Constantly looking for people to have sex with is not polyamory. If you are always looking for your next sexual encounter instead of enjoying your poly partners it’s actually a sign of a real problem. It could be sex addiction, low self esteem, a sociopathic issue, daddy issues, etc… Seriously though, if you feel a constant need for sex with strangers you should consider seeing a therapist before pursuing a polyamorous relationship. The same goes for people in a poly family or group. A lot of people could get involved, and it depends on what you decide is acceptable, but at some point enough is enough. It can start looking more like you’re running a cult rather than enjoying a family. Be reasonable. 

This is where polygamy comes into the picture too. Every family is different, but every family should also be discussing how many sister wives is comfortable for everyone. A man can enjoy looking for sister wives very much, but if he’s making his current sister wives miserable he’s not serving his family properly. Polygamy is not a situation in which a man should be taking advantage of women. It’s a situation where a man is building a family with women while loving and respecting them. Any woman that is considering becoming a sister wife should look for early signs of a man that doesn’t treat women with absolute respect. Polygamy dating should offer a chance for everyone in the family to meet new prospects and allow for the whole family to have input on growing the family. 

Every relationship, group, or poly family is going to be unique. Some groups can be happy with very few boundaries, and that’s okay. Most of the time, truthfully, if the situation is too open, someone is getting hurt and just not saying anything. It’s so important to make your relationships something special. Nobody can tell you what to do, but in everything you do, consider the ones you love. Polyamory and polygamy can be rewarding lifestyles, but they can also be very painful if everyone isn’t being honest. Do everything with love and integrity and you’ll at least be on a decent path to a happy poly family. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Imagine a world where plural marriage or relationships are the social norm. Families would consist of multiple people in every household, relationships could be more free to evolve, loneliness would decrease, and even sacrifices made for love would become far less daunting. When considering all of the benefits of a polyamorous lifestyle it’s hard to imagine how it has not been a social norm for centuries already. With a move toward more general acceptance in recent years, polyamory may soon see the day it becomes the standard and the world can be a happier, more fulfilling, place. Monogamy may soon be viewed for what it is. It’s more a form of power plays and control than it is a form of true love. 

The story is all too common. Young boy meets young girl, they fall madly in love, and marriage seems like the logical next step. Monogamous marriage is currently the only socially acceptable way for two people to make their relationship official. Time goes by and the boy and girl become a man and a woman. They don’t hate each other but cannot help feeling like something in life is missing. This feeling builds and builds until they start blaming each other for the things they feel they lack in life. Resentment sets in and their love transforms into indifference, possibly hate, if they do nothing to stop the downhill slide. Divorce becomes the seemingly logical option and the painful process of separating years of a life together begins. Why do people continue doing this to themselves? Why are other options out of the question for so many people?

Imagine the same scenario but in a world where polyamory is the expectation. Marriage still exists but it does not carry the weight of monogamy. This same man and woman could decide to find a sister wife or might meet another couple they could date together. They might form a polygamous family and enjoy a big home full of sister wives or they may simply just date other people together occasionally. The option of dating others separately is also on the table for some. The point is, feeling trapped with one person due to a legal contract isn’t love, it’s control. Control works for a little while. It helps a person feel they can accomplish things because they know what to expect. The problem is that you can’t truly control another person. Attempting to do so leads to misery on both ends. The thought of keeping a husband or wife in your life because leaving you would be difficult for them to accomplish should make you sick to your stomach. Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to believe trapping someone in your life is appropriate and good. Polyamory is the answer to this absurdity. 

Polyamory is empowering. It frees people to seek the meaningful relationships they truly desire. It allows people to find true fulfillment and happiness. Humans love connecting to each other, which polyamory allows us to do indefinitely. The fact that a married woman is viewed critically for going to lunch with a man that is not her husband is proof that monogamy seeks only to control people. When something so basic as a friendship is frowned upon due to a person’s marital status you can rest assured that the current rules of marriage have few altruistic intents. Nothing can compete with the ability to live honestly with the people you love. Why would you want to participate in a monogamous lifestyle when it breeds so much deceit? 

It’s important to remember that being polyamorous or polygamous does not mean one lacks the ability to commit. It does not mean people are being selfish or greedy either. It’s simply agreeing to the fact that monogamy is not natural for humans, and it’s opening up to forming relationships that reflect the deeper connections humans can have with multiple people. It’s accepting that just because your partner got wrapped up in a moment and shared a kiss with someone else, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you deeply. Opening the door to allow for and share these experiences with each other should help you grow closer, instead of driving you apart. Giving your lovers the ability to live their life with real intent gives them the space to truly know themselves and the ability to give even more to the relationship. One could argue that monogamy hardly represents true love at all. It’s essentially a business agreement in many cases. 

Anyone that has any inkling of interest in polygamy or polyamory should explore the option without question. If you’ve had any fantasy of becoming a sister wife or dating a couple, try it. As long as you find people that actually suit you, chances are you will find happiness and fulfillment like you thought might be impossible. The more people the better. Power in numbers means polyamorous and polygamous people should be recruiting others to explore the idea. Of course, the poly life isn’t for everyone, but the number of lives and marriages that can be saved by polyamory is staggering. Throwing down the shackles of traditional marriage is the answer to so many problems in so many lives and there are plenty of online resources to explore poly and polygamy dating that allow for you to take your time. Making polyamory a normal and widely accepted option will only make the world a better place for us all.     

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

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