Chris's article

Dating and relationships are full of possible errors in judgment or misconceptions. It’s human nature to want something so much you ignore warning signals, or maybe don’t realize the warning signals you’re sending out yourself. Being on the same page and merging your life with one or more people takes work and focus. It’s easy to get too comfortable, or into a routine so heavily that you lose sight of some of the most important aspects of sharing your life successfully. Here are three mistakes to watch for in order to ensure you, and your partners, are truly happy and enjoying life together.

First is not finding the right amount of focus, and in the right areas. 

We can become so focused on the wrong things at the wrong time that other important matters are left neglected. Say a polygamous family has decided it’s time to find a new sister wife to join them, and they’re all excited about the prospect, but they become so centered around the idea they begin to neglect an existing sister wife experiencing a bout with depression. Polygamy dating can require a lot of time and attention, but it becomes a problem instead of something positive when it becomes the center of life instead of the health of your existing polygamous family. Polyamory generally means the idea of dating can be a constant factor in your life, but ignoring the time and effort to maintain existing relationships is not only hurtful, it can ruin everything you’ve already built. Seeking sister wives and growing your polygamous family should be a joyful process for everyone involved. Keep it that way by constantly balancing the needs of your family with the desire to see it grow. This applies to any polyamorous group as well. 

Sort out your standards and structure for the relationship and work together to grow in healthy, constructive, ways.

Second, not revisiting the standards and structure of your poly relationship regularly. People change over time. Staying on the same page in your relationships is vital to ensuring none of your partners or sister wives are simply going along with behaviors that are bothering them so they don’t rock the boat. Nobody wants to become a sister wife to lose all say in the direction of their marriage. Same for anyone in a polyamorous situation. If there are any problems at home, it’s better to respect your partner’s need to feel important than to continue the pursuit for new people to join your group or family. If you feel the need to continue poly or polygamy dating despite any partners emotional difficulties, it’s time to investigate why you’re with this person and how you are likely contributing to their struggle. If things are simply out of step it’s time to renegotiate the structure of your life together. Never be upset if a partner is questioning polyamory or polygamy for themselves. It’s more important to allow them to grow, even if it means they grow away from your life together. Anger is never the answer. Control over another person is never a healthy option. Keeping communication open and mutual respect paramount will foster a thriving life with your poly partners.

Third, avoid stubborn or double standards. It is far too easy to believe so firmly that we are correct about something that we become more obsessed with being right than being happy. I hear it all the time. Many in the diverse world of polyamory and polygamy are convinced they know the formula for an appropriate poly relationship at the expense of everyone that has different ideas. Not only can this attitude cut too many opportunities out of life, it can ostracize a sister wife or lover in your poly group or family that has developed different feelings. 

Being so attached to what you perceive as ‘right’ often results in behavior that is simply wrong. This is not to suggest having standards is not okay, rather to point out that a closed mind typically leads to a closed heart. It’s very possible that you and your poly partners won’t have such a split in opinion eventually, but important that this occurs naturally rather than through any sense of force. This concept can be more difficult for polygamous families with a strong religious base. 

There are standards set forth in religious texts that require families to maintain certain structures and standards. This can still be accomplished with open minds and hearts. Make sure everyone is allowing free conversation without fear of judgment. Finding ways to explore ideas and feelings while following your religious convictions is a journey you can enjoy together.

Double standards are similar in effect. Adopting standards for yourself that don’t match what’s expected of your lovers is abusive behavior. 

This is what leads to cheating and broken hearts. Having conversations to decide how your polyamorous group or family should function should never be done in ways that are sly or dishonest. If you want certain freedoms, you have to give them as well. If you want certain limits, your partners need to offer matching standards. Even if you decide to offer a partner leniency for certain behaviors you don’t want to engage in, it needs to result from an honest conversation, not from deceit. 

Love requires clarity and respect.

Polyamory and polygamy offer a wide array of unique and exciting relationships, but, they also present opportunities to get hurt in unique ways. With great things come great responsibilities. Taking the time to hammer out the details of expectations will prevent too many surprises along the way. Monogamous people have expectations that are already laid out quite clearly. Polyamorous people have to discuss them. 

By determining the way you want your relationships to function, and avoiding the errors listed above, you’ll find your poly relationships are appropriate for you, and they are enhancing your life. It’s exciting to find someone new. Make the excitement last by committing to the behaviors needed to make everyone involved fulfilled and happy on a long term basis.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

The year 2020 seems like it’s out to get us all, and a major result is that a lot of people are experiencing a budget crunch. We’re having to find new and creative ways to work from home when we can, and entertain ourselves in safe and inexpensive ways. It may seem easy to some, but for many, the lack of once every day options and enhanced importance of safety precautions make it difficult to have a little fun. Even if your budget is fine and you live in an area that isn’t enforcing safety protocol, it’s best to be ready for the possibility of another wave of coronavirus, or anything that may occur. Polyamorous groups or families are not immune to the ups and downs of life, which can throw us a curveball any time.

Train your brain to know that money doesn’t mean everything in life. 

Relying on money for everything you’d like to do for fun will only limit your happiness when little money is available. Poly groups and families are often quite fortunate to have multiple lines of income, but finding activities that cost little or nothing provides a path to saving money and being prepared for future shocks. Training yourself to think of inexpensive ideas for fun will keep you and all of your lovers more resilient in the face of anything that may come your way.

The great outdoors has always been a source of fun and relaxation, and it’s making a big comeback for very good reasons. There’s almost no better place than state and national parks to enjoy a long weekend affordably while naturally being socially distanced. Even if your family has been seeking a new sister wife or poly partner, state and national parks are perfect to meet and enjoy a date that can provide enough distance until everyone decides risks are minimal. Few people don’t have some kind of outdoor facility nearby. Look up parks in your area and consider them as an option to enjoy your poly or polygamy date safely. 

Even many city parks are large enough to enjoy an afternoon picnic or evening stroll with a reasonable amount of spacing if necessary.

Then we have picnics! A picnic can be held anywhere with enough outdoor space. They’re also great for people on a budget when you host them as a potluck. Pay attention to the rules in your area on the legal size of social gatherings and plan accordingly. This is, again, a great way to meet potential new sister wives or any poly dates. You can set a theme or show an outdoor movie, or maybe play games like charades that don’t require anyone to spend too much time without a safe distance between them. Being safe doesn’t mean we can’t see each other as long as we’re paying attention to our surroundings and the recommended precautions in our area.

Polyamorous and polygamy dating don’t have to be placed entirely on hold because you’re low on expendable money, or because of a pandemic either. 

If you or a potential partner or sister wife are especially low on spending money, or in an area on lockdown, there is always the online option. Don’t be afraid to host yourself for a candlelit dinner at home while your date hosts themselves as well. Turn on Zoom or Skype so you can all see each other and enjoy dinner chat for the evening. If dinner goes well you may even explore other private activities to share in a private video call. Be careful about settings to make sure nobody else is able to access the session. It’s amazing how intimate we can still be using online services.

For poly or polygamous families that are not currently involved in the dating world, you already have entertainment built into your daily life (assuming you live together). Digging out all of your board games and card games is not only wonderfully nostalgic, it can provide days of fun for the whole family. Of course there are video games and such you can share as well, but using any lockdown time to bring the family closer together should help avoid feelings of isolation. A family that plays together, stays together! Consider inventing your own family games too. 

Anything helps that will keep everyone engaged and able to avoid whatever madness has you locked down together.

Times like the year 2020 may seem too heartbreaking and difficult to be bearable, but if we use our time and efforts wisely, we can actually grow from the experience. The fact that we have to engage in activities in different ways doesn’t mean we have to give everything up. Look at the excellent Saturday Night Live from home episodes. They’re not the polished version of the show we’re used to, but they’re instantly memorable in their own way and we won’t soon forget them. Learning to use our money more wisely and be more creative with our entertainment, and daily lives, in times of struggle will also provide times with the people we love that we won’t soon forget. Start developing your unique traditions and sharing them with friends and family. We will come out of this year stronger and happier if we play our cards right.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Online dating, including apps, has become the most common way people find each other today. It’s opened up a world where we, seemingly, can find exactly the person that’s right for us. It has also opened the world up to more options than ever. We can look for people according to height, religion, eye color, income, fetishes, political affiliation, and more. The list is endless. In many ways, this is great for people to focus on the most promising prospects. It’s opened up access to polyamorous and polygamous dating. Of course, with all things, good or bad, come consequences that will need to be navigated. How do we take advantage of such a wealth of opportunity and access without falling victim to the shortcomings. How do we make sure we aren’t limiting our options too heavily based on our perceived ideas of perfection?

The existence of incredibly specific parameters certainly helps narrow down dating options, but it also may cut out a number of people that would be an even better match than the ideal you’ve created in your imagination. This is an unfortunate consequence of cutting out natural, real life, interactions while seeking potential partners. It’s especially tragic for polyamorous people. Three people that are already together likely also satisfy so many desires for each other that nobody but the perfect specimen would ever appeal to them unless it was a chance encounter. In order to replicate somewhat more natural encounters online it’s important to develop reasonable ranges of traits that remain in a workable zone. Let’s say a female that is 5 foot 6 inches is into taller men. Rather than insist a man be at least 6 foot 2 inches to date him, consider the fact that a handsome guy that is only 5 foot 10 would likely still be appealing if they had a positive random encounter while out for drinks. It would be better to set your range more broadly in order to not cut out anomalies that could be better options than a perceived perfect choice.

Taking this a step further, for the polyamorous world, it’s also important not to be too heavily focused on a certain type of poly relationship. A woman that wants to become a sister wife may find she is much happier in a poly relationship with much looser boundaries if she’s willing to explore. A polygamous man may find he enjoys a couple wives and a husband if he’s willing to not ignore his bisexual tendencies. Being too focused on a concept can result in undesired outcomes. A man with bisexual tendencies that can embrace them will be much happier in the long run than a man that insists on denying that part of himself. Even if he never acts on it, being open about it won’t leave him feeling so much like he’s missing out.

As a polygamous family works through the decision to start seeking a new sister wife they will inevitably discuss the person they would be ideally looking for. This is where they can avoid missing out on perfect options by remembering to not be too heavily specific. Of course, there are areas where we can’t bend. A very religious family should not date an atheist. However, a Methodist and a Baptist may find their differences to not be difficult to navigate at all. It’s important to not be too strict about options in areas we can easily bend. However, along with a looser approach to finding options should come an ability to vet options more effectively once contact is made. Everyone should have questions they ask everyone that can make sure a person is actually a viable option. It’s fine if the questions are a little overly standard at first, as long as the conversation gets into a natural flow in a reasonable time frame.

Questions about lifestyle, opinions, entertainment, and habits can reveal more about a person than any physical traits or affiliations. If you’re a person that spends Friday night at dinner, then maybe a movie, then bed by 11pm it’s likely a person that regularly stays out dancing until 3am won’t be a good match. If you enjoy only a glass of wine or two in a day, or nothing at all, it wouldn’t make sense to date a person that can’t get through the day without a few drinks at every meal. Your early morning routine being at full odds with a night owl may not always be a deal breaker, but chances are the different lifestyles will clash eventually. Considering the things you can tolerate, the things you cannot tolerate, and the things most important for your overall well being will help you come up with a bit of an intro ‘quiz’ for potential dates. Think of it as being no different than meeting someone in a public place.

Overall, the best way to take advantage of online dating is to find ways to treat it a bit more as chance encounters in public. Don’t be too rigid about saying hello. Don’t attempt to avoid making a few friends along the way. Every person you meet in public isn’t going to end up in your bedroom, just the same as all the people you meet online. Be friendly, enjoy conversations, learn, and explore. The world of polyamory and polygamy dating can be incredibly interesting. You’ll meet people with experiences and backgrounds to share that can help you grow and discover ideas you may have never considered before.

Online dating and social media is beginning to merge in ways that will lead to an increasingly social environment on dating websites and apps. The interesting aspect of this is that ‘hanging out’ on dating sites will continue becoming more like hanging out in a public environment. Taking advantage of this shift, and being more open to people that don’t fit your ideal match, should prove to be successful in finding ultimately better matches. Someone you had a great conversation with a week ago may meet someone they realize would be a great match for you and introduce you! Evolving with online dating, using the groups and hangouts, meeting people just for fun and conversation, and keeping an open mind will lead to a fuller experience with online dating overall. This fuller experience will help everyone find and maintain better relationships. Happy Hunting!

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Sexual health is important for everyone regardless of sexual orientation, or desired forms of relationships. An important thing to remind oneself, and often, is that sexual health is not only about protecting yourself. Sexual health protects the people you love, and the people with whom you choose to be intimate. It requires all of us to be proactive in order to make the world a safer place. Making love instead of war is great! However, it's good to review some best standards and practices occasionally to make sure you're doing your part to promote everyone’s well-being.

The first standard everyone needs to adopt is open communication. If you aren't mature enough to communicate clearly about your risks and expectations in a relationship, you aren't really cut out for a polyamorous lifestyle. Becoming a new sister wife, or joining an existing poly family of any form, means you could be exposing multiple people to health issues. They deserve a chance to determine the risks they're willing to take, or precautions they choose to employ when given honest circumstances. Families don't look for sister wives or additional partners because they're looking for trouble. Poly and polygamy dating are complicated enough without adding dishonesty or neglect to the mix. 

Choose to be a person that enriches the lives of others by staying on top of your sexual health, and always be forthcoming with potential partners about expecting the same from them.

Everyone should be tested at least annually for conditions that can result from sexual activity. Unfortunately, nothing is foolproof, so it’s better to be safe than sorry. Sexually active people that are sometimes involved outside of a closed family or group need to be screened for STIs at least every six months. Highly sexually active people outside of a closed unit should consider a screening every three months. Any moral hangups about your level of sexual activity need to be set aside. Make sure you're clear of sexually transmitted conditions and find a counselor if you think you might have a sexual addiction, or other behavioral issue. A high sex drive isn't necessarily a bad thing. 

Polyamorous relationships and polygamous families actually provide an environment where a high sex drive can be beneficial. If it becomes problematic, never be ashamed to seek the help you need. Your lovers, sister wives, intimate partners, or otherwise sexually involved people in your life will support you.

On the other end of the spectrum is a low sex drive. Maybe you're having trouble finding a sister wife? Maybe you're questioning your attachment to a polyamorous group? It's normal to feel a lack of confidence at times. The same standard applies that you should never be ashamed of getting the help you need. Physical health, and other health or mental issues, can be the root of a low sex drive too. Don't neglect the importance of your sexual health even when you're not often in the mood. 

A healthy poly family needs intimacy. A healthy poly family will also support each other to attain the intimacy necessary to maintain their bond.

Assuming your polygamous family, or otherwise polyamorous group, is operating as a happy and healthy bunch, there are further things to consider. Allowing our sex lives to become stagnant can actually lead to problems. The ‘if it ain’t broke’ approach doesn’t work with human relationships. People will grow apart and could even lose sexual compatibility if you leave a relationship or sex life unattended. There are people that lose interest in sex as they age, and that’s okay, but, only if the loss of interest in sex is compensated for with other forms of intimacy. Your sex life and your sexual desires belong to you, even if that means losing interest. However, don’t let a sexual dysfunction turn into a lack of desire. Talk to your partners about things they may want to explore. If you’re in a polygamous family maybe its time to look for a new sister wife, or even consider an additional husband for the family. The rules for your relationship are yours to make. Don’t be afraid to try new things or explore new ideas with your life partners. 

Life is supposed to be an adventure.

Throughout the adventures you’ll find with the people you love it’s important to remember to create an environment where honesty and integrity are valued over comfort. If you make it impossible to discuss uncomfortable things you can only expect to be left in the dark when they come up. It’s a dangerous precedent to set when you punish someone you love for their honesty. The core of sexual health is honesty. Be honest with yourself, be honest with your sexual partners, and be honest with your health providers. Most of the situations we get ourselves into can be corrected. Don’t get into a mind set that punishment is the answer. Focus on intent and healing.

Nobody is perfect. To treat others as though they should be perfect is to deny yourself room to make mistakes. No mistake should be allowed to harm others if you can avoid it. Sex creates bonds that can be painful to break so it’s important to approach every sexual relationship with great responsibility. Don’t deny yourself or the people you love the beauty of honesty and integrity from day one of your relationship. Life is much better, and much safer, when we’re all taking excellent care of ourselves and the people we love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

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