Chris's article

Polygamy dating, along with any polyamorous dating, will expose you to an enormous diversity of people. Getting to know so many different backgrounds and cultures on an intimate level is just one of the rewards of a polyamorous lifestyle. Learning about all the different approaches a person can take toward relationships is yet another bonus that may even convince you to evolve and expand your own ideas about relationships. For anyone that has been dating in the polygamous or polyamorous world a while, the wealth of experience is invaluable. There will be times, however, you will meet a poly virgin. This is someone that is new to any concept of a plural relationship and they’ll be lacking much understanding about how it works. A lot of experienced people, understandably, won’t date someone so new. There are risks of dealing with dramas and hang ups that more experienced poly people wouldn’t think of. If you do choose to date a poly virgin, here are some things to keep in mind. 

Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. There’s no reason to believe there is no chance of the relationship going anywhere, but there is every reason to be prepared for the end. When a woman is first in the process of becoming a sister wife, it should only be expected she will take some time to really know herself well enough to know what she wants from a polygamist family. Same for anyone that is fresh to any form of a polyamorous relationship. It takes time and consideration for a person to know themselves well enough to have a good chance to make a plural relationship last. Accepting their flaws and shortcomings will keep you both happier for the duration of your involvement. 

Don’t be afraid to remain direct about what you expect, and to coach a poly virgin a little. This is not to suggest you treat someone with no interest in being submissive like a sub. It’s about reminding yourself you were once new to the experience and should know enough to provide solid advice about self discovery. Polyamory is about multiplying love in the world, not about enforcing your own agendas. You’ll have to take the lead and know when to call it quits if you realize your poly virgin is not right for you and they simply don’t see it like you do. Be clear, be direct, be kind, and offer your continued support, as a friend, on their journey. As they evolve they’ll understand your reasons and will appreciate you for pushing them to grow. If they circle back and have grown into someone right for you in time, go for it! Embracing the ebb and flow of life and love is a big key to long term happiness. 

Be consistent about reinforcing the polyamorous aspect of the relationship. A person that is new to poly or polygamy dating might slip back into their old monogamous mindset very easily if allowed. There is no need to be crude, but it is very important that you discuss other love interests, partners, or dates you’ve been on regularly. You may even want to make sure a sister wife comes on some of the dates with you, or another of your partners if you’re polyamorous. Keeping the poly virgin from developing monogamous desires for you will save you both a heap of trouble. If they do start to express a desire to claim you as their own, be gentle, but end the relationship. Some people are only trying poly or polygamy dating because nothing else is working. Don’t fall victim to a person that’s only desperate for any kind of relationship they can find. You’ll both grow old and miserable because they refuse to take control of their own life and goals. You’ll constantly feel guilty if you continue dating others while knowing you’re hurting someone you claim to love. It will never work, get away.

Don’t forget about your own evolution. There are expectations attached to any kind of relationship. Polygamists generally expect a more traditional family living situation, polyamorous people often still have a gender preference, and trying to have an intimate relationship with almost everyone you know would be absurd. There are limits! Nothing in life comes without expectations. However, you can meet expectations and still be evolving while encouraging your lovers to evolve as well. Just because you consider yourself traditional, and find a sister wife that is perfect for you and your family, doesn’t mean you should limit her interests with your other sister wives. If your sister wives express an intimate interest in each other, why would you limit them from it? If they become involved it only means your family is growing closer to each other. Let them grow. If you’re a polyamorous couple and your boyfriend expresses an interest in a man, why would you say no? Having multiple people of the same gender involved in a poly relationship only makes sense, and it should be allowed for both genders. Just as you should encourage a poly virgin to find themselves, and follow their hearts, you should also encourage your lovers to grow toward whatever it is that makes them whole. If this makes you uncomfortable, there are people out there that will agree with you, but developing resentment because of a little discomfort over something new isn’t a healthy way to live. 

Ultimately, everyone in the polygamous and polyamorous world needs to help each other be the best and happiest they can be. Approaching each other with compassion, self awareness, empathy, and respect will never lead anyone down the wrong path. Everyone was a virgin somewhere along the way. Think back to the people that helped you most and emulate them today. Think back about what you needed from people along your journey and be that for someone else. You can be bold, direct, and clear about who you are, and what you want, without losing a sense of humility and respect for others. Teaching a poly virgin how to be their best self is a gift that will keep on giving.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

The polyamorous world allows for endless definitions of relationships. When people allow themselves to explore the connections and lifestyles they most identify with, they find a level of pure joy most will never begin to understand. Removing petty societal norms from your views and following your heart let’s you find your unique sources of joy in life to explore. An early discovery on the journey into polyamory will be the huge variety of options. It’s far too easy to end up with partners that don’t really suit your real desires if you haven’t explored what you want, or what you might find, ahead of the journey. Here are some terms and descriptions that can be used as a primer as you explore who you are and what relationships mean to you. 



Let’s start at the beginning. Polyamory breaks down to poly: many, and amory: love. It literally means to love many and the reference is to romantic love. In order to adopt a polyamorous lifestyle one must be capable of loving more than one person while allowing each of them to love more than just yourself, if they choose to. As mentioned before, relationships involving more than one lover come in many forms, so let’s move on to the next term.  



The assumption here is that a polyamorous person wishes to practice only ‘ethical non-monogamy’ because otherwise they are simpy cheating. If you have no desire to be ethical in your relationships it’s likely you’re not even polyamorous. Polyamory infers some level of commitment to lovers, but we’ll get back to that later. A non-monogamous relationship can mean multiple partners enjoy a life with only each other, people that enjoy being swingers, open relationships, a don’t ask don’t tell policy, or whatever a group or couple of partners have decided works for them. The key to these relationships is honesty. Everyone involved needs to be straight forward about the things they enjoy sexually and romantically so that fair ground rules can be set which keep everyone happy and safe within the relationship. Multiple partners should never mean zero commitment to them all. We are responsible to bring all of our lovers joy, not heartache.  


Triad, Quad, Triangle

Not all love triangles have to be a bad thing! Everyone within a polyamorous situation doesn’t have to be dating each other. In fact, if the world were more honest, viewing love triangles as a healthy and normal option would save a lot of heartache in the world. The scenario where a man’s wife finds his best friend attractive, has a few drinks, and ends up sleeping with him (or her) is not uncommon. Same goes for that husband having an interest in sleeping with that best friends’ spouse. If they understood that polyamory was an option they could enjoy an even closer bond with each other and maintain their marriages as they are. Polyamory doesn’t mean you all need to live under the same roof or treat your relationship with every partner like a marriage.  


A triad or quad are simply terms to define relationships involving three (triad) or four (quad) people. Generally, these three or four people will share a relationship that is closer than people in a triangle that are not dating each other, but the level of commitment is determined by those involved. Triads and quads often live together and function very similar to traditional monogamous couples. They can choose to bring as many people as they’d like into the relationship, although it can become more difficult to find partners everyone is interested in as the relationship grows larger.  


Nesting Partner

Nesting partner/s refers to the choice of living together or separate from your partner/s. Consider the triangle mentioned before. The married couple that lives together would be considered nesting partners while the best friend that also has a relationship with the husbands’ wife, but lives elsewhere, would be her non-nesting 

partner. A lot of people in relationships choose to take advantage of the financial benefits of sharing a home but that isn’t the only option. Some people prefer living alone or only with certain others. Some people don’t mix well living together but make great lovers otherwise. You may be surprised to discover how much you enjoy living alone. If you have the means to do so, go for it! More relationships could benefit from living apart than people would like to admit.  



Polygamy and Polyandry refer to having multiple spouses. Polygamy refers to a man with multiple wives while polyandry refers to a woman with multiple husbands. Considering the fact that maintaining more than one marriage is illegal in most places, the labels of wife and husband are typically used only in a symbolic manner. Polygamy and polyandry have been growing in popularity along with polyamory as they are very similar concepts. Polygamy dating and polygamous lifestyles are even featured on multiple television series like ‘Sister Wives’ and ‘Seeking Sister Wife.’ This lifestyle is evolving right along with polyamory as well. Sister wives can approach relationships with each other now, unlike the more strict history polygamous families experienced. Brother husbands can be a thing as well and they can also be intimate with each other if they choose to be. The terms polygamy and polyandry today typically reference a more traditional approach to modern plural relationships, aka, polyamorous relationships.  


Relationship Anarchy

Relationship Anarchy is a newer term that refers to a lack of pre-set rules. This lack of rules does not refer to no rules within your relationships, rather it means no pre-set rules to follow entering relationships. The idea is to approach each relationship in whatever unique way it works best. Two people can figure out their own rules once they start dating each other. This sounds a little like going back to square one but having explored the multiple options for polyamorous relationships you might find more than one situation would work for you. This anarchy approach is a great way to leave your options open, and to keep an open mind.  


An article covering every term and aspect of polyamory would take months to write. It’s an ever evolving world where good people are exploring the beauty love makes possible in countless ways. There is absolutely nothing wrong with good ‘ole monogamy, but there is everything wrong with enforcing it as the only moral option. Whether you’re seeking a sister wife, looking for a third, dating five people, planning on an exciting quad, or wondering how to express feelings you can’t avoid toward someone already in a relationship, there are morally sound ways to approach everything. Don’t lie, don’t cheat, and don’t steal. Polyamory is a path to being our best selves, and to multiplying love in our world.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

All people and all relationships need nourishment to survive. Just like our bodies, our relationships will show signs of ‘hunger’ and ‘thirst’ when needs aren’t being met. Polygamous and polyamorous relationships are no different in having needs to be met, but they are unique in the ways to be fulfilled. The variety of ways poly individuals refuel might require some discussion, and some understanding, but their core relationships will find many needs are the same. Keeping up with each other can be difficult but developing a few behaviors, or habits, can help prevent anyone from straying too far from the common purpose you share. 

For polygamous families it might sometimes feel they are always dating. Polygamy dating is a process that requires a lot of attention. Looking for a sister wife to join your family means considering the needs of multiple people. An existing sister wife is justified in her feelings when it seems a prospective sister wife is getting the majority of attention. She probably is. This is especially true if everyone in the existing family doesn’t feel they are part of the dating process. It’s easy to assume the husband, as in many polygamous families, should be the one that will choose a new sister wife, but involving current sister wives will keep them from feeling left out and starved of the love family should be providing them. Letting go of the strict concept of patriarchal leadership in a family, even a little, will go a long way in keeping everyone in the family happy and fulfilled. In fact, one has to question a man’s leadership if he insists on full control over decisions that affect everyone involved. Listening to women and involving them in important decisions is not feminism. It’s how you show love and respect. 

Polyamorous relationships have similar struggles. The concept of eternally dating is not easy to handle every waking moment of your life. There will be times you wish your partner would just focus on the relationship and stop bringing new elements into a situation you feel needs more attention. Involving your partner/s with your dates could also be a solution here, but if your current relationship is not doing well it may be time to give dating a break. This goes for polygamous people too. This may sound absurd because your relationship is polyamorous and always has been, but if you can’t prioritize your core lovers over new prospects, why are they your core lovers? This can be a tough balance because you also shouldn’t stop your poly lover from dating just because you aren’t ‘feeling it’ this week. Don’t be frivolous. Don’t change the rules over silly things like a personal dry spell or unfounded jealousy. Instead, determining days for only each other can assure your relationship isn’t being neglected. Even if you end up bringing dates along, knowing you’ll have specific times guaranteed for each other gives your relationship more purpose and keeps it nourished. 

Don’t neglect significant times in your relationship and never underestimate the power of a loving gesture. Anniversaries and other important dates are not something to be ignored. They represent the history you’ve built together. Making a huge ordeal out of them is just stressful for everyone, but finding simple ways to acknowledge them is sure to keep them alive as refreshing reminders of your love. An elegant dinner, a thoughtful little gift, or a charming day trip will go a lot further in nurturing your love for each other than any big events or actions. The beauty of polyamory is that polyamorous people have so much love to give. Sharing that love with intent through thoughtful gestures and actions will keep your partner/s happy, and yourself as well. While celebrating the big moments in your relationships is important, don’t forget the positive impact that everyday actions can have. Little reminders of your love for each other never get old and always warm hearts.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the daily grind and neglect important behaviors that will keep you happy and healthy. Think about how easy it is to find a cheap drive thru for a burger instead of taking the time to prepare a fresh and healthy meal at home. One of these things will eventually cause serious problems if you do it all the time. The other will never cause anything but good health and a better life overall. Living with intent is important and it applies to relationships as well. Try to stop doing anything that isn’t on purpose in your life and with your lovers. The excitement of a new polyamorous lover can quickly turn into a painful experience for another lover if they aren’t certain where they stand, or who they are to you. Being poly means you love more than one person, not that you use them until you’re tired of them then move on to another. Don’t be a sleeze. Love with intent and take your lovers emotional health seriously. 

If this is making relationships sound like too much work, you might be correct. They take a lot of work sometimes to maintain in a healthy and productive way. If this is work you have no desire to do it’s best to avoid relationships rather than pretending you ever want one. There is nothing wrong with staying single as long as anyone you date is aware of where you stand. Dating is usually in pursuit of something more serious so be clear from the start that you have no intentions beyond dating. The polyamorous world can make room for this if you find the right people and are always truthful. 

For most people the work is well worth it. Being part of a big, beautiful, polygamous family is a rewarding life that will pay someone back for their efforts exponentially. Same for successful polyamorous groups or families. Giving and receiving so much love all the time offers a life many can only dream of. Whatever your family or love life looks like. Take the time and make the effort to nurture your love. You’ll never regret making your partner/s happy every day you get to enjoy them in your life. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

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