Chris's article

The recent Netflix hit ‘Tidying Up’ with Marie Kondo started a trend of mindfully cleaning up our spaces and lives. Humor about considering all the items around us and keeping only those that bring joy has found its way into modern comedy, it’s a funny idea, but it remains an incredible tool for polishing up our lives. The same concept can be used to help your relationships. This is not to say you should get rid of people in your life, but rather aspects of your relationships that don’t bring you joy should be explored. Things evolve over time, people change, desires shift, and expectations can diverge dramatically. Taking time to tidy up will keep your relationships healthy and vibrant.  

It’s easy to hold something in because you don’t want to spend the emotional energy you know it will take to air it out with your significant other. It’s easy to imagine sister wives letting little annoyances with each other build up because they want to keep the family functioning and happy. It’s even easier to imagine sister wives in a family being annoyed while watching their husband find new sister wives to date and potentially join the family. Embracing polygamy dating can be strenuous for even the most seasoned of polygamist families. Just a little time spent intentionally and mindfully exposing the things that are not bringing joy gives everyone involved a chance to find solutions. It’s hard to be mad at a polygamist husband that knows seeking sister wives is perfectly natural when he has no idea a current wife is struggling. Creating space to speak candidly about issues will help find resolutions before they are too big to tackle. 

Whether your interest is in polygamous dating, or another form of polyamorous dating, moments spent tidying up along the way can assure the relationships you’re exploring are what everyone involved really wants. A woman that wants to become a sister wife may find her real interest is in a polyamorous lifestyle. A woman that is enjoying her polyamorous life might eventually find her true joy in becoming a sister wife. A man that believes he is heterosexual and enjoys dating women can discover he has developed a strong attraction to men as well. Being polyamorous gives you the power to explore whatever paths you come across and being mindful with yourself, and your partners, can make sure nobody gets hurt and everyone is truly enjoying themselves. Keeping everyone on the same page ensures you’re all writing the same story together. 

As important as it is to maintain strong communication, a great deal of tidying up your relationships needs to happen in your own heart and mind. When you find something is not bringing you joy you need to figure out why it isn’t bringing you joy. Sometimes you’ll find that when you lay out the details behind your feelings, they’re unreasonable. Dating a potential new sister wife is not against the rules for a polygamist, so figuring out what is actually bothering you is important before telling your husband you don’t like a woman he’s seeing. An evening alone while your boyfriend is out seeing another man or woman may not be the most fun experience, but it is to be expected for an open poly couple. Being mindful and tidying up before getting too involved will avoid landing you in a situation that does not genuinely make you happy. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else. In fact, the worst kind of dishonesty comes from not knowing yourself because you end up unintentionally hurting yourself and others. 

Never lose sight of why you originally joined a polygamist family or got involved in a polyamorous relationship. The potential joy in these situations is off the charts and you get to explore who you really are rather than following a blueprint for a ‘perfect’ life. Being so in touch with your authentic emotions and desires will draw endless opportunities and happiness into your life, but you can’t be afraid to face dark moments or thoughts. With all light comes darkness. Facing difficult feelings takes courage and sharing them with the people you love might seem impossible. However, creating a safe space and time to occasionally tidy up your relationships means you can help each other through struggles rather than experience the agony of faking a smile just to keep everyone comfortable. Fake smiles can carry you through a little while but they can’t stop whatever is building up inside you.

The more often you clean something the easier it is to keep it clean. You don’t want to ‘clean’ so much that you wear things out, but as you learn to take time to be mindful in your life, and tidy up, it will start to come naturally. Creating an intentional safe space for your loved ones to freely express their feelings periodically will translate eventually into a constant more open and supportive life together. Sweeping everything out from under the rug consistently will keep negativity from overwhelming your love life. Something, or someone, not bringing you joy needs to be thoughtfully considered and addressed. The last thing you want is any of those someone’s you truly care about stepping out of your life because you were too afraid to be honest. Celebrate your polyamorous or polygamous love lives together and make sure all your loved ones are always finding great joy.    

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Exploring polyamory isn’t for the weak. Dealing with jealous feelings, fear of not being good enough, anxiety about possibly damaging your existing relationship, and exhaustion from the thought of dating again are just a handful of reasons people may not even entertain the idea. The level of honesty and the strength of the bond in your relationship that is required sometimes just isn’t feasible, and monogamy remains a safe place to be settled. For others, polyamory is an excellent path for growing and strengthening intimate relationship/s. What if you want this, but your significant other is not so sure? 

Never present the idea as though it’s an answer to problems, or anything lacking, in your relationship. A man telling a woman he wants to find other women to bang because she doesn’t put out enough will, rightfully, get nowhere. A couple exploring polyamory is an adventure you want to share because you already have a good relationship. If you don’t, work on that first. Multiply love, not issues. 

Highlight the benefits of polyamory. It’s entirely reasonable that a happily married husband and wife may want to find a sister wife. Having an additional female companion in your home brings new life and more love to an already successful marriage. Same goes if a wife decides she’d like to have two men. Brother husbands could have an outstanding life together and keep a lady very satisfied. Having multiple adults in a relationship can expand both finances and the capacity to accomplish family goals. Multiple intimate relationships grows your ability to give and receive love.

If polygamy dating is not your cup of tea, polyamory is wide open with options. This is yet another reason a happy couple can safely explore their polyamorous inclinations. They can cater their poly dating and relationships to exactly what works for them. Dating others separately, dating only other men together, or women together, don’t ask don’t tell, always ask always tell, meeting poly dates on vacation only, sex only with others, or whatever works. This is where raw honesty plays a massive role and your bond can grow stronger while you explore your deeper sexuality together. Keep an open mind.

Polyamory and polygamy usually aren’t on your mind when you’re younger and new to exploring love and relationships. Americans, especially, tend to get married very young and are pushed to maintain boundaries that cause more negative outcomes than positive. Too many marriages that haven’t ended in divorce are drowning in lies and deceit. Polyamory orpolygamy dating can help two people that truly love each other hang onto the spark that brought them together. Few things can be as intimate as dating another person together or talking about a date you enjoyed. Even if every poly date falls through you’ll learn so much about each other it’ll be worth it. Working together to stay on the same page and opening up about your feelings will only make your relationship stronger.

Embracing the fact that your relationships can be whatever you and your significant others want them to be is empowering. Embracing your authority over self-determination while becoming a more open and honest lover will bring true joy to your relationships. The transparency, respect, and support needed for polyamorous relationships to thrive makes them some of the closest intimate companionship's anyone knows. Best wishes that your significant other will indulge your curiosity and join you for a beautiful poly adventure. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Polygamy has enjoyed some time in the spotlight in recent years and is now very publicly  running into difficult realities. Shake-ups in well established polygamist families have eliminated any delusions that polygamous relationships are lacking in serious hardships, as in any other relationships. As polygamy evolves and grows, and continues blending into modern society, it faces an identity crisis. We’re a long way from the days of it being a tradition in only a few religious sects or cultures. The lifestyle is reaching across all cultural and social barriers. As we witness this evolution we need to consider the ways to affect positive change. We need to ensure darker aspects in the history of polygamy don’t find their way back into the mix.

Female empowerment is one of the most profound influences on modern polygamy. Women today can choose the husband they want to marry and are not expected to ‘submit’ to him as they have done in the past. This goes for monogamous relationships too. The power of choice is something women have fought long and hard to enjoy. A woman that wants to become a sister wife can now explore her options, weigh them, and choose the most fitting family or man. Modern polygamists can welcome a broader spectrum sexually as well. Polyandry is a relationship in which a woman has more than one male mate. Roles can be reversed! This is where the lines between polygamy and polyamory begin to blur. A question starts to present itself. Is polygamy simply a form of polyamory?

Polygamy, in my opinion, should fall under the umbrella of polyamory. There are so many options for intimate relationships and it’s difficult to categorize them all. For the sake of this argument, let’s consider maintaining any intimate relationship with more than one person at a time polyamory. From this view, a very traditional polygamist family involves a male with multiple wives, or lovers, and is therefore polyamory. Some will refuse to accept this view, but when considering the benefits, it’s hard to deny it would help countless people find and maintain successful poly relationships across the board. Being inclusive is almost never a bad thing.

There is power in numbers. Segregating one alternative relationship form from others isn’t really helping anyone. There is also power in helping normalize alternative relationships that make people truly happy. Helping polygamy evolve into a socially acceptable option for those wanting to be sister wives is a benefit. A prospective sister wife should be able to openly date multiple options and not have to settle for a less desirable situation, possibly dangerous, because she has been limited by society. Allowing for the persecution of a woman that wants to be a sister wife only alienates her and encourages rash and desperate decisions. Polyamorous people need to build each other up and help keep each other safe. All of us.

Polygamy may be a concept you’ve never considered because polyamory is the only thing you’ve explored. Believing you are one thing so strongly that you refuse to consider other ideas is selling yourself short. You may find you could enjoy a polygamist family, or something similar. The term does have a bad connotation for some, but it’s time to shift it away from that. A relationship involving multiple people can operate like a traditional polygamist family and be every bit as healthy as any other polyamorous family. The patriarchal constructs are no longer necessary with polygamy. Polyamorous people shouldn’t be afraid to explore the lifestyle if they feel so inclined.

If a man in a relationship with a woman is looking for another woman to date, and both women are aware of it, he is seeking a polyamorous situation (not cheating). This is no different than a man with a wife seeking a sister wife. It’s important not to get bogged down in specific characterizations to define your relationships because it can lead to limits you don’t desire. Polygamous people embracing the idea of being polyamorous leaves doors open for opportunities or desires that might make sense for your family. In the reverse, polyamorous people being open to polygamy might find restraints they do ultimately desire. Being open all the possibilities in polygamy and polyamory will strengthen relationships for you and the entire poly community. It’s perfectly reasonable for a poly family to practice polygamy for a period of time then open up the relationship, or vice versa.

Unfortunately, a lot of people in the poly community have a tendency to place themselves in strict categories and defend their relationship style staunchly. Rather than keeping an open mind we sometimes like to school each other in things like poly ethics, or whatever. It’s a defense mechanism. Life is tough, so segregating yourself into a narrow world feels safe, and you feel you must defend that safe place. This needs to change. Monogamous people often feel very strongly about what relationships should be, and yours isn’t it, but their disapproval shouldn’t push you to be as narrow minded as them. We need attitudes and laws to change to make sure we are all safe and allowed our personal pursuit of happiness. The first attitudes that need to change are ours. Polygamists and polyamorous people should work together, as one in the same, to bring equality to plural relationships.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Coasting through life not doing anything outside of the expected is an easy way to live. Maintaining a happy family, raising a couple of good kids, and being a positive influence in your community are all admirable things. Funny as it seems, assumptions will be made when you live an exemplary life like this. ‘That fella must have one beautiful wife at home taking good care of him.’ Even funnier is that people in plural relationships or families are actually better equipped to accomplish these things, yet so many people refuse to consider polyamory as an option. More people should give it serious consideration because polygamous and polyamorous people are fortunate in many ways, and way ahead of the curve in life.

Many days there are a million things to do! The pantry is almost empty, your check engine light is on, Mother’s Day is a few days away, you know you can’t get away from the office until after 7, and you just remembered the PTA meeting you cannot miss is at 8. You end up eating fast food, wearing out your car prematurely, canceling important plans, and your poor mother only gets a rushed call on her special day. Now imagine all the same daily tasks but more than one or two people to accomplish them. Every addition to your poly family enhances your capacity to fulfill obligations exponentially. Beyond obligations, imagine one family that includes a General Practitioner, Master Mechanic, Chef, Contractor, etc… They’d be unstoppable! While looking for a sister wife, or addition to your poly relationship, there is no harm in considering the perks they bring to your family. Be realistic, of course.

The grind of daily life gets old for everyone and after knocking out daily tasks it’s time to unwind. Two people can, without question, thoroughly love and enjoy each other but everyone needs a little diversity in their life. Finding multiple lovers, or sister wives, provides natural variation so a family or group can constantly mix things up. Polyamorous people also enjoy less time doing things they don’t really enjoy. If two members of your group or family love the aquarium, and the rest don’t, they can go enjoy it together instead of dragging you along. The joy of a big loving family is undeniable. Who could complain about an amazing dinner party nearly every night?

On top of the pleasantries, and maybe more important, is the amount of unconditional love and support poly people enjoy. Life will throw terrible things in everyone’s path. Having sister wives or multiple lovers you can confide in, and rely on, means your struggles may pose less frustration. Everyone should have friends they can turn to, but the connection among sister wives or lovers is deeper. Multiplying those type of connections in your life will carry you with grace when needed.

This same support system can reach super hero levels of power when it comes to raising kids. Three or more grown-ups focusing on the best for their kids produces incredible results. When one of you is at a loss of what to say or do, in whatever situation, there is a good chance one of the others will know, or have a pretty good idea. Each parent can impart their strengths into their kids’ lives and raise a person that is incredibly well-rounded and smart. An instinctual tolerance toward people with unique approaches to life is an added bonus.

The kids (if you have them), and you, will also enjoy the financial aspects of a plural relationship. Multiple working adults contributing to a common household means options can be wide open. Forget settling on the starter home you can still barely afford. Being responsible with money is always important but it’s easier to be responsible when you have access to more money. Four or five lovers sharing a room on vacation can be the difference between a smelly motel room by a highway interchange, or a downtown suite with a balcony and amazing view. Enjoy it.

Poly relationships will never be an option for too many people. It’s unfortunate, but seeking a sister wife will never seem like a reasonable direction for many men. If you’re a man that would like to find sister wives and build a family, consider yourself lucky! If you’re a woman that would like to be a sister wife, you are blessed with an instinct to know how to live your best life. The same goes for any polyamorous people. We know our best lives are possible and finding poly lovers to build a loving family or group brings us great joy. The core of polyamory is love. The benefits shouldn’t be your focus but an enjoyable possible result of your choices. Embrace your lovers, if you have them, and keep up the good work. The future of polyamory is bright because we know a secret path to tremendous bliss. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Picture the perfect house with a white picket fence in one of the best neighborhoods your town has to offer. The lawn is well manicured, trees are full and green, and the whole place simply looks like a dream. Now imagine your poly family making this perfect place your home. Maybe you’re a polygamist family with a man and three sister wives. Maybe a polyamorous group with three men and two women. Whatever your polyamorous arrangement might be, everything is going beautifully and it seems you couldn’t be happier. Now imagine a neighbor walking by giving you nothing but side eye and you have no clue why. You wave and smile and they only pick up the pace to get away. It can be easy to slough it off. Chalk it up to the people’s occasional strange behaviors. Most often these things are harmless but the ill effects of judgy neighbors can accumulate or even become a hindrance to your well-being. In some cases it can become dangerous.  

Face it. When some people hear the terms polygamy or polyamory they cringe. Most well-adjusted adults can have their opinion and keep it to themselves but just one nimby (not in my back yard) can make your life a living hell. Some people simply cannot mind their own business and find pleasure in torturing others. Living a lifestyle outside of societal ‘norms’ brings about situations that are difficult and learning to handle them with grace is crucial. 

Decide how much of your life, and what aspects, you wish to keep private and keep it that way with the public. You don’t have to discuss anything with anyone unless you want to. There are many factors to consider. While many of those factors are personal, don’t neglect to consider factors beyond your control as well. Consider the region you live in and the social expectations that make up the local ‘norms.’ Are the people in your area very aggressive about enforcing their views? What religious ideologies are the most widespread and how strict are they? Four people in a poly household can exist anywhere they’d like but they can be far more open about their situation in Los Angeles as opposed to Jackson, Mississippi. A man can be looking for a sister wife anywhere he lives but in many areas he needs to keep fairly private about it or risk being ostracized by his community. Get over the idea that everyone can just live as they want and expect the world to deal with it. 

The world will, in fact, deal with it, but in that dealing you could lose your job, friends, opportunities, or even your life in extreme cases. You cannot constantly be showing all your cards if you expect to compete! This is not suggesting for anyone to live a lie, but some things are nobody else’s business. Especially things people can, and will, use against you. People interested in polygamous and polyamorous dating need to be smart about it. If you live in an area that makes you feel like your only choice is to live a lie the best option is to move away, but of course not everyone can do that. Whether you decide to move or stay put there are ways to help assure your future can withstand a horrible neighbor. 

Know your rights and responsibilities. Laws surrounding plural relationships can be tricky and a nimby will not hesitate to tie you up in legal problems if they don’t want a polygamist or poly family on their block. Knowing your state and local codes concerning marriage and cohabitation will give you the tools to ensure your family, or group, can present itself in a legal way. 

Find, and support, your allies. Finding other polygamist families or polyamorous people in your community will build a support network you can all rely on. Beyond polygamy and polyamory there are other marginalized groups you can befriend. Gay and lesbian people have learned to handle plenty of criticism for their personal relationships. They make great allies when times get tough. 

Be a good neighbor. You cannot expect others to extend any respect to you if you refuse to treat them with general respect. Sign the social contract to be generally friendly and try, at least, to never personally make anyone have a bad day. Just do it! Be a nice person. It will come back to you in positive ways. Someday, being a nice person will come naturally (if you hate the idea of it). Either way… it’s worth it. 

Choose battles wisely. Nobody can go through life constantly battling. Some people will never like you and some situations will never work out the way you’d prefer. Accepting disappointment and moving along is a tough lesson everyone has to learn eventually. There are battles worth fighting. Make sure you save your energy for the important things. 

Refuse Other People’s Bullshit. You and your poly partners will have enough of your own dramas in life. A nimby neighbor, most often, should be the least of them. Rolling your eyes at a neighbor trying to marginalize you is a great way to remove the nasty energy they send your way. Don’t find joy in knowing they have their own problems, find the humanity in it. We’re all only human and anyone trying to harm others, in any way, is not a very happy human. Pity them. 

Finding sister wives and building a family is a joy many people will never get to experience. Enjoying dinners and dates with polyamorous lovers while nurturing a loving group of companions is a beautiful thing. Not everyone feels the same things are beautiful in this world and they never will. Protect your home and your loved ones by showing others compassion. Showing the world your joy is the best weapon against those that will wish you harm. Never forget that your love and life is your business. Nimby’s aren’t worth your energy.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

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