Chris's article

Dating and relationships are full of possible errors in judgment or misconceptions. It’s human nature to want something so much you ignore warning signals, or maybe don’t realize the warning signals you’re sending out yourself. Being on the same page and merging your life with one or more people takes work and focus. It’s easy to get too comfortable, or into a routine so heavily that you lose sight of some of the most important aspects of sharing your life successfully. Here are three mistakes to watch for in order to ensure you, and your partners, are truly happy and enjoying life together.

First is not finding the right amount of focus, and in the right areas. 

We can become so focused on the wrong things at the wrong time that other important matters are left neglected. Say a polygamous family has decided it’s time to find a new sister wife to join them, and they’re all excited about the prospect, but they become so centered around the idea they begin to neglect an existing sister wife experiencing a bout with depression. Polygamy dating can require a lot of time and attention, but it becomes a problem instead of something positive when it becomes the center of life instead of the health of your existing polygamous family. Polyamory generally means the idea of dating can be a constant factor in your life, but ignoring the time and effort to maintain existing relationships is not only hurtful, it can ruin everything you’ve already built. Seeking sister wives and growing your polygamous family should be a joyful process for everyone involved. Keep it that way by constantly balancing the needs of your family with the desire to see it grow. This applies to any polyamorous group as well. 

Sort out your standards and structure for the relationship and work together to grow in healthy, constructive, ways.

Second, not revisiting the standards and structure of your poly relationship regularly. People change over time. Staying on the same page in your relationships is vital to ensuring none of your partners or sister wives are simply going along with behaviors that are bothering them so they don’t rock the boat. Nobody wants to become a sister wife to lose all say in the direction of their marriage. Same for anyone in a polyamorous situation. If there are any problems at home, it’s better to respect your partner’s need to feel important than to continue the pursuit for new people to join your group or family. If you feel the need to continue poly or polygamy dating despite any partners emotional difficulties, it’s time to investigate why you’re with this person and how you are likely contributing to their struggle. If things are simply out of step it’s time to renegotiate the structure of your life together. Never be upset if a partner is questioning polyamory or polygamy for themselves. It’s more important to allow them to grow, even if it means they grow away from your life together. Anger is never the answer. Control over another person is never a healthy option. Keeping communication open and mutual respect paramount will foster a thriving life with your poly partners.

Third, avoid stubborn or double standards. It is far too easy to believe so firmly that we are correct about something that we become more obsessed with being right than being happy. I hear it all the time. Many in the diverse world of polyamory and polygamy are convinced they know the formula for an appropriate poly relationship at the expense of everyone that has different ideas. Not only can this attitude cut too many opportunities out of life, it can ostracize a sister wife or lover in your poly group or family that has developed different feelings. 

Being so attached to what you perceive as ‘right’ often results in behavior that is simply wrong. This is not to suggest having standards is not okay, rather to point out that a closed mind typically leads to a closed heart. It’s very possible that you and your poly partners won’t have such a split in opinion eventually, but important that this occurs naturally rather than through any sense of force. This concept can be more difficult for polygamous families with a strong religious base. 

There are standards set forth in religious texts that require families to maintain certain structures and standards. This can still be accomplished with open minds and hearts. Make sure everyone is allowing free conversation without fear of judgment. Finding ways to explore ideas and feelings while following your religious convictions is a journey you can enjoy together.

Double standards are similar in effect. Adopting standards for yourself that don’t match what’s expected of your lovers is abusive behavior. 

This is what leads to cheating and broken hearts. Having conversations to decide how your polyamorous group or family should function should never be done in ways that are sly or dishonest. If you want certain freedoms, you have to give them as well. If you want certain limits, your partners need to offer matching standards. Even if you decide to offer a partner leniency for certain behaviors you don’t want to engage in, it needs to result from an honest conversation, not from deceit. 

Love requires clarity and respect.

Polyamory and polygamy offer a wide array of unique and exciting relationships, but, they also present opportunities to get hurt in unique ways. With great things come great responsibilities. Taking the time to hammer out the details of expectations will prevent too many surprises along the way. Monogamous people have expectations that are already laid out quite clearly. Polyamorous people have to discuss them. 

By determining the way you want your relationships to function, and avoiding the errors listed above, you’ll find your poly relationships are appropriate for you, and they are enhancing your life. It’s exciting to find someone new. Make the excitement last by committing to the behaviors needed to make everyone involved fulfilled and happy on a long term basis.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

The year 2020 seems like it’s out to get us all, and a major result is that a lot of people are experiencing a budget crunch. We’re having to find new and creative ways to work from home when we can, and entertain ourselves in safe and inexpensive ways. It may seem easy to some, but for many, the lack of once every day options and enhanced importance of safety precautions make it difficult to have a little fun. Even if your budget is fine and you live in an area that isn’t enforcing safety protocol, it’s best to be ready for the possibility of another wave of coronavirus, or anything that may occur. Polyamorous groups or families are not immune to the ups and downs of life, which can throw us a curveball any time.

Train your brain to know that money doesn’t mean everything in life. 

Relying on money for everything you’d like to do for fun will only limit your happiness when little money is available. Poly groups and families are often quite fortunate to have multiple lines of income, but finding activities that cost little or nothing provides a path to saving money and being prepared for future shocks. Training yourself to think of inexpensive ideas for fun will keep you and all of your lovers more resilient in the face of anything that may come your way.

The great outdoors has always been a source of fun and relaxation, and it’s making a big comeback for very good reasons. There’s almost no better place than state and national parks to enjoy a long weekend affordably while naturally being socially distanced. Even if your family has been seeking a new sister wife or poly partner, state and national parks are perfect to meet and enjoy a date that can provide enough distance until everyone decides risks are minimal. Few people don’t have some kind of outdoor facility nearby. Look up parks in your area and consider them as an option to enjoy your poly or polygamy date safely. 

Even many city parks are large enough to enjoy an afternoon picnic or evening stroll with a reasonable amount of spacing if necessary.

Then we have picnics! A picnic can be held anywhere with enough outdoor space. They’re also great for people on a budget when you host them as a potluck. Pay attention to the rules in your area on the legal size of social gatherings and plan accordingly. This is, again, a great way to meet potential new sister wives or any poly dates. You can set a theme or show an outdoor movie, or maybe play games like charades that don’t require anyone to spend too much time without a safe distance between them. Being safe doesn’t mean we can’t see each other as long as we’re paying attention to our surroundings and the recommended precautions in our area.

Polyamorous and polygamy dating don’t have to be placed entirely on hold because you’re low on expendable money, or because of a pandemic either. 

If you or a potential partner or sister wife are especially low on spending money, or in an area on lockdown, there is always the online option. Don’t be afraid to host yourself for a candlelit dinner at home while your date hosts themselves as well. Turn on Zoom or Skype so you can all see each other and enjoy dinner chat for the evening. If dinner goes well you may even explore other private activities to share in a private video call. Be careful about settings to make sure nobody else is able to access the session. It’s amazing how intimate we can still be using online services.

For poly or polygamous families that are not currently involved in the dating world, you already have entertainment built into your daily life (assuming you live together). Digging out all of your board games and card games is not only wonderfully nostalgic, it can provide days of fun for the whole family. Of course there are video games and such you can share as well, but using any lockdown time to bring the family closer together should help avoid feelings of isolation. A family that plays together, stays together! Consider inventing your own family games too. 

Anything helps that will keep everyone engaged and able to avoid whatever madness has you locked down together.

Times like the year 2020 may seem too heartbreaking and difficult to be bearable, but if we use our time and efforts wisely, we can actually grow from the experience. The fact that we have to engage in activities in different ways doesn’t mean we have to give everything up. Look at the excellent Saturday Night Live from home episodes. They’re not the polished version of the show we’re used to, but they’re instantly memorable in their own way and we won’t soon forget them. Learning to use our money more wisely and be more creative with our entertainment, and daily lives, in times of struggle will also provide times with the people we love that we won’t soon forget. Start developing your unique traditions and sharing them with friends and family. We will come out of this year stronger and happier if we play our cards right.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Online dating, including apps, has become the most common way people find each other today. It’s opened up a world where we, seemingly, can find exactly the person that’s right for us. It has also opened the world up to more options than ever. We can look for people according to height, religion, eye color, income, fetishes, political affiliation, and more. The list is endless. In many ways, this is great for people to focus on the most promising prospects. It’s opened up access to polyamorous and polygamous dating. Of course, with all things, good or bad, come consequences that will need to be navigated. How do we take advantage of such a wealth of opportunity and access without falling victim to the shortcomings. How do we make sure we aren’t limiting our options too heavily based on our perceived ideas of perfection?

The existence of incredibly specific parameters certainly helps narrow down dating options, but it also may cut out a number of people that would be an even better match than the ideal you’ve created in your imagination. This is an unfortunate consequence of cutting out natural, real life, interactions while seeking potential partners. It’s especially tragic for polyamorous people. Three people that are already together likely also satisfy so many desires for each other that nobody but the perfect specimen would ever appeal to them unless it was a chance encounter. In order to replicate somewhat more natural encounters online it’s important to develop reasonable ranges of traits that remain in a workable zone. Let’s say a female that is 5 foot 6 inches is into taller men. Rather than insist a man be at least 6 foot 2 inches to date him, consider the fact that a handsome guy that is only 5 foot 10 would likely still be appealing if they had a positive random encounter while out for drinks. It would be better to set your range more broadly in order to not cut out anomalies that could be better options than a perceived perfect choice.

Taking this a step further, for the polyamorous world, it’s also important not to be too heavily focused on a certain type of poly relationship. A woman that wants to become a sister wife may find she is much happier in a poly relationship with much looser boundaries if she’s willing to explore. A polygamous man may find he enjoys a couple wives and a husband if he’s willing to not ignore his bisexual tendencies. Being too focused on a concept can result in undesired outcomes. A man with bisexual tendencies that can embrace them will be much happier in the long run than a man that insists on denying that part of himself. Even if he never acts on it, being open about it won’t leave him feeling so much like he’s missing out.

As a polygamous family works through the decision to start seeking a new sister wife they will inevitably discuss the person they would be ideally looking for. This is where they can avoid missing out on perfect options by remembering to not be too heavily specific. Of course, there are areas where we can’t bend. A very religious family should not date an atheist. However, a Methodist and a Baptist may find their differences to not be difficult to navigate at all. It’s important to not be too strict about options in areas we can easily bend. However, along with a looser approach to finding options should come an ability to vet options more effectively once contact is made. Everyone should have questions they ask everyone that can make sure a person is actually a viable option. It’s fine if the questions are a little overly standard at first, as long as the conversation gets into a natural flow in a reasonable time frame.

Questions about lifestyle, opinions, entertainment, and habits can reveal more about a person than any physical traits or affiliations. If you’re a person that spends Friday night at dinner, then maybe a movie, then bed by 11pm it’s likely a person that regularly stays out dancing until 3am won’t be a good match. If you enjoy only a glass of wine or two in a day, or nothing at all, it wouldn’t make sense to date a person that can’t get through the day without a few drinks at every meal. Your early morning routine being at full odds with a night owl may not always be a deal breaker, but chances are the different lifestyles will clash eventually. Considering the things you can tolerate, the things you cannot tolerate, and the things most important for your overall well being will help you come up with a bit of an intro ‘quiz’ for potential dates. Think of it as being no different than meeting someone in a public place.

Overall, the best way to take advantage of online dating is to find ways to treat it a bit more as chance encounters in public. Don’t be too rigid about saying hello. Don’t attempt to avoid making a few friends along the way. Every person you meet in public isn’t going to end up in your bedroom, just the same as all the people you meet online. Be friendly, enjoy conversations, learn, and explore. The world of polyamory and polygamy dating can be incredibly interesting. You’ll meet people with experiences and backgrounds to share that can help you grow and discover ideas you may have never considered before.

Online dating and social media is beginning to merge in ways that will lead to an increasingly social environment on dating websites and apps. The interesting aspect of this is that ‘hanging out’ on dating sites will continue becoming more like hanging out in a public environment. Taking advantage of this shift, and being more open to people that don’t fit your ideal match, should prove to be successful in finding ultimately better matches. Someone you had a great conversation with a week ago may meet someone they realize would be a great match for you and introduce you! Evolving with online dating, using the groups and hangouts, meeting people just for fun and conversation, and keeping an open mind will lead to a fuller experience with online dating overall. This fuller experience will help everyone find and maintain better relationships. Happy Hunting!

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Sexual health is important for everyone regardless of sexual orientation, or desired forms of relationships. An important thing to remind oneself, and often, is that sexual health is not only about protecting yourself. Sexual health protects the people you love, and the people with whom you choose to be intimate. It requires all of us to be proactive in order to make the world a safer place. Making love instead of war is great! However, it's good to review some best standards and practices occasionally to make sure you're doing your part to promote everyone’s well-being.

The first standard everyone needs to adopt is open communication. If you aren't mature enough to communicate clearly about your risks and expectations in a relationship, you aren't really cut out for a polyamorous lifestyle. Becoming a new sister wife, or joining an existing poly family of any form, means you could be exposing multiple people to health issues. They deserve a chance to determine the risks they're willing to take, or precautions they choose to employ when given honest circumstances. Families don't look for sister wives or additional partners because they're looking for trouble. Poly and polygamy dating are complicated enough without adding dishonesty or neglect to the mix. 

Choose to be a person that enriches the lives of others by staying on top of your sexual health, and always be forthcoming with potential partners about expecting the same from them.

Everyone should be tested at least annually for conditions that can result from sexual activity. Unfortunately, nothing is foolproof, so it’s better to be safe than sorry. Sexually active people that are sometimes involved outside of a closed family or group need to be screened for STIs at least every six months. Highly sexually active people outside of a closed unit should consider a screening every three months. Any moral hangups about your level of sexual activity need to be set aside. Make sure you're clear of sexually transmitted conditions and find a counselor if you think you might have a sexual addiction, or other behavioral issue. A high sex drive isn't necessarily a bad thing. 

Polyamorous relationships and polygamous families actually provide an environment where a high sex drive can be beneficial. If it becomes problematic, never be ashamed to seek the help you need. Your lovers, sister wives, intimate partners, or otherwise sexually involved people in your life will support you.

On the other end of the spectrum is a low sex drive. Maybe you're having trouble finding a sister wife? Maybe you're questioning your attachment to a polyamorous group? It's normal to feel a lack of confidence at times. The same standard applies that you should never be ashamed of getting the help you need. Physical health, and other health or mental issues, can be the root of a low sex drive too. Don't neglect the importance of your sexual health even when you're not often in the mood. 

A healthy poly family needs intimacy. A healthy poly family will also support each other to attain the intimacy necessary to maintain their bond.

Assuming your polygamous family, or otherwise polyamorous group, is operating as a happy and healthy bunch, there are further things to consider. Allowing our sex lives to become stagnant can actually lead to problems. The ‘if it ain’t broke’ approach doesn’t work with human relationships. People will grow apart and could even lose sexual compatibility if you leave a relationship or sex life unattended. There are people that lose interest in sex as they age, and that’s okay, but, only if the loss of interest in sex is compensated for with other forms of intimacy. Your sex life and your sexual desires belong to you, even if that means losing interest. However, don’t let a sexual dysfunction turn into a lack of desire. Talk to your partners about things they may want to explore. If you’re in a polygamous family maybe its time to look for a new sister wife, or even consider an additional husband for the family. The rules for your relationship are yours to make. Don’t be afraid to try new things or explore new ideas with your life partners. 

Life is supposed to be an adventure.

Throughout the adventures you’ll find with the people you love it’s important to remember to create an environment where honesty and integrity are valued over comfort. If you make it impossible to discuss uncomfortable things you can only expect to be left in the dark when they come up. It’s a dangerous precedent to set when you punish someone you love for their honesty. The core of sexual health is honesty. Be honest with yourself, be honest with your sexual partners, and be honest with your health providers. Most of the situations we get ourselves into can be corrected. Don’t get into a mind set that punishment is the answer. Focus on intent and healing.

Nobody is perfect. To treat others as though they should be perfect is to deny yourself room to make mistakes. No mistake should be allowed to harm others if you can avoid it. Sex creates bonds that can be painful to break so it’s important to approach every sexual relationship with great responsibility. Don’t deny yourself or the people you love the beauty of honesty and integrity from day one of your relationship. Life is much better, and much safer, when we’re all taking excellent care of ourselves and the people we love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

It’s a story as old as time. Boy meets girl, they form an intimate relationship, but along the way one finds out the other has entertained other options. Also throughout history this situation has typically not gone well and many relationships come to a tragic end. Hearts are broken, lives are shattered, and it can result in emotional damage that takes years to overcome, if ever. The notion of only two people being able to love each other deeply and intimately isn’t actually so natural, it’s just been encouraged throughout modern history. There is certainly no harm in two people choosing to be together exclusively, but the unwillingness to explore other options has likely inflicted more damage over time than it’s worth. For people that already identify as polyamorous, this situation seems poisoned with stubborn and controlling sentiment instead of supportive love. Before deciding to end an otherwise wonderful relationship over attractions that are inevitably going to develop, people should consider other options.

It happens all the time in movies and soap operas. Someone notices a married woman out for lunch with a man other than her husband, or vice versa, and reports back to the spouse which kicks off a litany of drama. Sometimes everything works out and other times it results in a separation. Rarely is the polyamorous option even explored in popular culture. It’s becoming more common nowadays, but is still a rarity. Why doesn’t the narrative include an exploration of allowing another person to become involved in the relationship? Why are we so hooked on monogamy?

Control is a difficult subject because we obviously have to maintain control in many aspects of life, or everything would be a giant mess. However, if you look at successful polygamous families you quickly realize that multiple people enjoying the same relationship can actually result in fantastic variations of very traditional families. Many women that want to be sister wives are attracted to the idea of bonding with other women, and running a healthy family, while enjoying the same man they love. Becoming a sister wife is certainly not any kind of nefarious choice. It embraces the idea of making your relationship work for you without concern for what works for other people. Look into the world of polygamy dating and you’ll see there are many people interested in this lifestyle that lets you decide what ‘control’ looks like. If ‘control’ to you looks like subjugation and limiting someone you love, it’s best to reevaluate your intentions. It should be about respecting and supporting one another as you grow, and embracing life’s changes together gracefully.

If you find yourself in a situation presenting an outside love interest to your relationship, don’t panic! Keep lines of communication open and explore what allowing this love interest could mean. There is more than one way to approach these things. Maybe you’ve always had bisexual leanings that you can finally explore without losing the person you already love. Maybe allowing your partner or spouse to enjoy someone else will actually offer more alone time that you’ve been craving. There is no requirement for both of you to be sexually involved with this new person so it could result in you having a live-in best friend. Maybe your spouse has a high sex drive that two people can handle easier than one. The sky's the limit with polyamory. Rather than tightening your grip on monogamy and being stubborn when new attractions arise, open your mind and consider the benefits that could come from rolling with it.

It doesn’t mean you’re losing control of your life or relationship when you explore options in the polyamorous or polygamy dating world. In fact, it means you’re taking more control of your love life. It requires thought and discussion to find the unique form the relationship will need to take in order to make it work. It can be your new beginning, or the spark your relationship needs to stay vibrant and healthy. There will be struggles. Watching the show ‘Sister Wives’ or ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ reveals that challenges will certainly arise, and some new relationships won’t work out. Nothing is fool-proof when it comes to love.

Jealousy is natural and deciding to be polyamorous does not mean it will go away. It’s something you have to be prepared for and willing to discuss respectfully. It’s very easy to let it get the best of you. It’ll take practice and determination to trust your poly lovers until you have a real reason not to. People like to create entire scenarios in their heads, and can dwell on invented circumstances so much they become convinced it’s real. Have you ever had an entire conversation 20 times in your head only to realize you were completely mistaken once the actual conversation occurs? This is another way that polyamory actually helps you be in better control than monogamy. You have to have a handle on yourself and be willing to lay everything out to your lovers when a perceived problem is driving you crazy. On the other hand, your lovers have to be capable of listening to you, and of addressing the issue without becoming upset over your suspicions or feelings. It takes work, but the results can be incredibly rewarding if you’re willing to do it.

It’s easy to stick to the easy routes in life. Monogamy is a path that is laid out in a standard fashion so it won’t require too much thought very often about how your relationship works. There is no shame in this, certainly, but the limitations seem to cause so much unnecessary pain. If everyone would let go of the narrow standards we’re accustomed to the world would be a happier place. People would have an easier time finding their unique paths and living genuinely. Polyamory or polygamy may never work for you, but it will work for many people, and should be a respected option to save relationships and help them grow. Being too stubborn in love matters rarely has good results. Next time a tough situation comes up in your love life, have real and raw conversations about poly related options. Start clearing a path to real and lasting love and respect in whatever form it needs to take. Wherever you end up, you won’t regret it.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Why Do People Choose Polygamy Dating?


People have come a long way and although society still plays an essential role in their lives it no longer tells them how to live. Nowadays there are numerous societal and cultural factors that are responsible for the increased interest in polygamy dating. Furthermore, there are women who talk openly about how it is to be a Sister Wife, who are happy with their lives and who recommend it to others. In other words, there is lots of information on the poly lifestyle online and those who are curious about it should take the time to read it.


Why Do More and More People Turn to Polygamy Dating?


How many people have had various unsuccessful monogamous relationships? Does this mean that they do not deserve to be happy? Why should monogamous relationships be the only option people have? It comes as no surprise that more and more people turn their attention towards polygamy dating and the advantages it brings:

  • Numerous people have seen their parents live in a marriage without love just for the sake of society and for fear of being judged; people do not want to repeat the mistakes their parents have made, they do not want to be surrounded by resentment, unhappiness and frustration and they look for a way to have healthy relationship. For some of them polyamory is the only way they can accomplish that.
  • Church no longer has the impact and power it used to have decades ago; people who have been in monogamous relationships have failed and they have committed adultery or ended up getting divorced. Traditional marriages are not the only option and they are not for everyone.
  • People deserve their own definition of love, commitment, sex and trust and if they believe they can love more than one person at the same time they should do it.
  • More and more individuals turn to dating apps and this enables them to find suitable partners easier than they would if they had to go on traditional dates.
  • The media seems to be willing to discuss polyamorous relationships openly and it provides useful information to those who are interested in such relationships.


Men and women no longer like the idea of having a single partner for life and in such circumstances they turn their attention towards polygamy dating. This does not mean that they do not value commitment, it just means that they are aware of the fact that their needs can be met by multiple partners and this is wonderful. Polyamory is not going anywhere anytime soon, especially given the fact that monogamous relationships seem to have lost their values and charm.


Do You Want to Be A Sister Wife?


It is not every day that you decide to change your lifestyle or to enter into a poly relationship and this is why you should take this seriously. If you are interested in joining a family and being a Sister Wife, you should first decide whether this suits you or not. To be completely sure you make the best possible decision and this is what you need to be happy you should ask yourselves the following questions:

  • How jealous are you? Can you handle seeing your husband with another woman and spending time with her?
  • Is this something you really want? According to an interesting article in Women’s Health “Often, one partner is more into the idea of experimenting with the polyamorous lifestyle than the other,” explains Thompson. If that’s the case, it can cause a problematic power imbalance. “Youshould be in such a relationship because you want to not because you are afraid of losing your partner.
  • What motivates you? Do you feel limited by monogamy?
  • Have you felt secure in your relationships? Sharing a partner can change the dynamics you are used to and there is no room for insecurity if you want to make it work.


As you can see, if you want to be a Sister Wife, you should choose a couple with a solid relationship, one that you feel comfortable with. This is a life-changing decision and it should be treated as such. There is no one forcing you to do something you do not feel comfortable with and being part of a family can be rewarding should you be willing to give it a try.


How to Find a Sister Wife?


Nowadays the best way to find a Sister Wife is to go online and to join dating sites for poly people. There are also applications for poly dating that you can use to see what persons are interested in joining your relationship. What matters is that you are honest about your preferences, your needs and desires. Finding a new member for your family might take a while but it is completely worth it.


As far as poly relationships are concerned, each of these relationships is different. There is not such a thing as a perfect recipe that works for all individuals who have adopted the poly lifestyle. Poly couples do fight, they experience jealousy and insecurity but they learn how to manage them so that they do not affect their relationship. In any relationship it is essential to set some ground rules and to stick to them. It is important to feel comfortable when you express what you feel and to take into account what you share with each other.


Overall, polygamy dating can be the best thing you can do for your life and for your happiness as long as you do things the right way and you take it slowly. If you are new to poly dating, it is best to educate yourselves on the matter, to listen to what others have to say about this lifestyle and to see what you have to do to make it work. Last but not least you should know that communication is essential in order to have successful relationships and to be happy.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

The phrase ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ can apply to many situations in life as a positive reinforcement. It promotes the idea that we are all capable of far more than we can imagine if we are willing to dive in and make it work. It’s true! We’ll encounter many times in life that will require us to figure things out as we go. Without this approach, human and personal progress would be severely handicapped. As we gather knowledge and experience in any field, we slowly become an expert. The early days of any new chapter in our lives are fraught with uncertainty, and in most circumstances it is absolutely necessary to ride it out until you find your flow. There are some things, however, we should never pretend. Relationships are difficult enough without the threat of a potential partner not really being into you the way you thought they were. Imagine dating someone under the guise of polyamory when either one of you knows, deep down, that polyamory isn’t right for you.

There can be times you fake joy with your lovers so they can enjoy themselves when you’re not feeling great, or have a lot on your plate. 

We don’t have to share every bit of stress with each other all the time. 

There should never be a time, though, where you need to fake a core aspect of your relationship. This is a fairly big issue with the recent rise in the popularity of plural relationships. There are many people approaching polyamory, or polygamy, as a fun new way to make intimate friends, but with no intention of any level of commitment. If they’re honest about this from the start, it’s less of a problem, but it’s not true polyamory or polygamy. Temporary plural relationships based on a little fun need to remain labeled as ‘friends with benefits’ 

arrangements. It’s important to define these things, and intentions, to keep people you will likely end up caring about, at some level, from getting hurt.

Take a scenario like this into consideration when thinking of the importance of transparency while dating or meeting potential dates. A woman on a polygamy dating website may find the idea of being a sister wife very arousing, yet could be incapable of actually diving in with a polygamous family. Same for a man, or couple, looking for a sister wife

They might meet someone that is off the charts amazing, yet find polygamy is not right for them. This is where a fine line between ‘faking’ and ‘exploring’ presents itself. If polygamy is not right for you faking it will lead to dishonesty, and eventually a painful situation. It’s never okay to fake it with people that are becoming emotionally attached to you. It is, however, okay to be clear that you are exploring this option with potential partners. There is nothing wrong with wanting to become a sister wife and still having doubts. 

There is nothing unnatural about feeling some reluctance. It’s important to put on your big girl, or big boy, pants and be clear about where you stand on the concept of polygamy and if it’s right for you. Never fake it!

To expand on types of plural relationships it’s important to discuss hetero and homosexuality. If you are homosexual and have all homosexual partners this may not apply to you, but partnerships that involve hetero, bi, and homosexual combinations get a little more complicated. 

There are many polyamorous relationships that involve one guy and multiple women, or vice versa. These relationships can remain fully heterosexual, but generally a situation will arise where differing levels of intimacy will need to be discussed. This is also an area where nobody should fake their capacity to engage in sexual intimacy that makes them uncomfortable. If you’re a heterosexual guy and your two girlfriends bring home another guy they’re interested in, it doesn’t mean you now have to be sexually involved with this guy. Be clear about your feelings and never feel pressured to fake that you’re comfortable with sex that feels like a violation to you. Polyamory is about sharing love, not just making love. You and this new guy can become great friends and have your own ways to express your love for each other without pushing boundaries that might create a wall between you. All of this applies to women that are not interested in sexual intimacy with other women as well, of course.

Polyamory is a general term that presents a wide range of options for relationships. It cuts away the limiting nature of monogamy and allows people to take more control of their love and life. Part of not faking polyamory is simply avoiding the labels others may try and place on you and your relationships. Two or three people that love each other, even in a completely non-sexual way, can spend their lives together, be married (two anyway), share a home, raise kids, or many things the world may not understand from the outside. The world’s inability to comprehend your relationship doesn't equate to a need to define your relationship in ways that don’t respect it’s true nature. The two guys in the relationship in the previous paragraph are not required to label themselves as boyfriends just because they share the same two girlfriends. There is not one moment you need to fake anything about your true self and intentions because the world demands you get in a box for their comfort.

There are certain times it’s okay to be ‘fake’ about the polyamorous or polygamous world. Your safety is more important than being 100% yourself all the time. If you are a woman under threat for wanting to be a sister wife, or a family in danger for seeking a sister wife, there is no shame in denying it to the people threatening to harm you. Polygamy dating can be difficult enough without the danger of haters coming at you. 

Polyamourous people in general owe nobody any explanations about their love life and choices, except for the people it directly affects. Tell any threatening people what they need to hear in order to protect you and your loved ones, and report any of them that continue posing a threat. There is never shame in ensuring your safety.

In the end, it’s next to impossible to fake polyamory. Somewhere along the way your true nature and intentions will present themselves. You might make it for years, and it may even be a lot of fun, but if it’s not natural for you it will come to an end. The way to avoid faking it is to have a commitment to full disclosure and honesty with every potential partner you meet. Even if that means a few more ‘friends with benefits’ along the way, at least you both know where you stand in those situations. Also, don’t buy into the limits many in the poly world may even try and impress upon you. Your relationships, poly or not, ultimately belong to you and your partner/s. It’s up to you to keep them honest and full of whatever love you all need.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

It’s something many have said when a polyamorous group enters the room. 

How can they have three boyfriends, or girlfriends, and I can’t even seem to find ONE?! It’s frustrating to see other people in love when you’re feeling lonely. If you want a polyamorous relationship this feeling must be even more overwhelming, like it’s never going to happen for you. Keep in mind that when you want something desperately it’s normal at times to feel like it will never happen. When it does happen, it’s easy to become complacent and lose touch with the people that are now in the shoes you once were in. It’s very important for single people and attached people not to lose touch with each other. People in relationships need their single friends sometimes, and vice versa. 

Polyamory should create an atmosphere of openness that makes this easier. So, how do you face feeling eternally single when you are polyamorous at heart? How do you show a single friend proper support when their poly dreams seem to be out of reach?

To start, relationships should never be the biggest defining factor of who you are. They probably will be a very notable factor, especially if you’re polyamorous, but to be defined by your relationship above all else discounts too many parts of the individual you are. In order to find the relationships that are right for you, polyamorous or not, you need to have a strong sense of who you are first. What are your interests? What hobbies do you enjoy? How do you enjoy spending your free time? Developing these things will put you in contact with people that share the same interests and values. If you feel you can’t enjoy anything until you have a companion, which is far too common, you need to force yourself out of such a needy state of being. It’s true, you can often find someone that is also desperate and needy, but is that really what you want? It’s much better to find companions with goals and common interests. If being happy isn’t a priority then go ahead and take the desperate lumps. I say I’d rather be single! Even if polyamory is your ultimate goal, you can’t measure your success in life according to it.

Imagine being a young couple that would like to have a polygamous family. Now imagine that over the years there are a few happy children, a nice home, lots of laughter and joy, but never a sister wife. Through years of searching for a woman that would be a good sister wife and poring over polygamy dating sites, nobody seemed to fit your existing family. The husband’s dream of watching his sister wives grow close as he grows with them slowly fades over the years and his wife accepts that it’s just going to be her. There is a hint of disappointment in a dream never fulfilled here, but it should never overshadow everything this beautiful family accomplished. Good kids and a solid home are far more important for a family than dreams that just never worked out. Also, who’s to say the perfect sister wife won’t come later in life? You don’t have to let go of a dream in order to cope with it never coming true. 

Embracing what you already have, while remaining open to more, without losing yourself in a desperate search is the only way to be happy.

Speaking of happy, and this bit might be a little crass, but, many people that seem simply ecstatic in their relationships are severely depressed. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about monogamy, polyamory, being a sister wife, or any poly dating situation. You can’t jump into relationships that aren’t the right fit out of desperation to fulfill a fantasy. Fantasies are fine for a one night stand or summer fling, but relationships require a realistic approach to the possibility of tying lives together. Polyamory does offer a wide range of possibilities and commitment levels, but one shouldn’t be getting involved with a group just for the experience. Real feelings are at stake, and hurting other people’s feelings results in painful regret you’ll have to carry the rest of your life. If you’re only looking for a little fun, say it, don’t leave it for others to figure out. Polygamy is a bit less broad as it refers to marriage-like commitment among a group, yet they still experience the occasional ‘poly tourist’ that plays with their hearts. Polyamorous relationships should absolutely be fun, but they should also be taken seriously. Part of the reason poly dating isn’t working for you could be that it isn’t right for you.

While polyamory and polygamy are growing in acceptance and popularity, it doesn’t mean they’re right for everyone that wants to try them. Only about 5 to 10% of the general population is gay anywhere you go. While it’s widely accepted and more people may be experimenting these days, it doesn’t mean heterosexual people should all be dating among the same sex now. That’s absurd! Polyamory is less biologically limited, but societal norms still mostly produce monogamous people. If your motivation to experiment with polyamory stems from a negative experience or purely rebellious source, you should expect your relationships (if any) to not go well. As mentioned earlier in this article, you need to know yourself and start from a healthy place personally if you want to find fulfilling relationships. Nothing feels so out of reach when you’re well in touch with yourself.

It’s easy to feel left out when you see others that have something you want or need. At the times you feel this way it’s important to turn inward and find everything you need inside yourself rather than seeking it from other people. You have to remember that people have a public face and a real face you may never see. The ultimate goal is to be happy and have some sense of purpose. No relationship can give all of this to you. It can help, but you need a healthy relationship or it won’t be any help at all. This is accomplished by building a strong relationship with yourself first. Polyamory is never out of reach if it’s right for you. 

You have to open the right doors first. One of those doors leads to letting go of the ‘need’ for anything while embracing everything you already have. It’s when you feel complete that other complete people will be drawn to you. Those are the ones that can take you to the next level. Don’t forget to keep it lighthearted along the way, and to support the people around you on their personal journeys as well.

Published By: Christopher Alesich & Robyn Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Issues surrounding equality have been flooding the news cycle lately. 

Racial and gender inequality have been massive problems for as long as anyone alive today can remember, and then some. The tendency of humans to use their perceived position of power to keep others ‘beneath’ them is a mortal wound we cannot seem to heal. We cry, we fight, we teach, and strive, yet racism and sexism pervade right in our faces, and in some of the most secretive aspects of society. Could polyamory be a tool for a better future? Not only does polyamory encourage more people to love each other in deeper ways, it can provide the answer to a history wrought with the evils of selfish and self serving perspectives on life. 

Polyamory can provide a more promising future and the world needs to be ready for it.

Studies have shown that dating apps have done more to integrate society in modern times than almost any past efforts. When we’re in dating mode we leave ourselves open to experiencing people, and their personal cultures, on a far deeper level than only a few conversations with someone we see mostly in passing. We go out more, we meet more people, and we aren’t tied down to a person that is very likely to require most of your free time. Let’s face it, monogamous people end up taking up most of each other’s time. Not always, but often. The dating phase is a time of growth, expanding awareness, and exposure. Monogamous marriage typically starts a process of avoiding exposure, and of heavily managed growth. Polyamory flips this concept on its head. Many polyamorous people, or relationships, can spend their lives in something closer to the dating phase. Maybe this sounds terrible to some people, but the dating world for people that already have a relationship is nowhere near as lonely as it can be for a single person. On top of that, you’ll be meeting people from different backgrounds, religions, and cultures all the time. The more you’re exposed to people different from yourself, the better able to embrace diversity you become.

Increasing diversity is unavoidable as the world moves into a more connected future. Many of the darker parts of many cultures will be revealed as our exposure to one another continues to expand. One blight on too many parts of the world is a terribly patriarchal control factor that attempts to keep women in what is perceived to be ‘their place.’ 

Polyamorous relationships can address this issue as well, as long as they avoid any patriarchal form that seeks to strip women of free will. 

If a group of people decide to love each other, and form an intimate relationship, sexuality and any form of control falls into question. The polyamorous community can work to ensure that women around the world have a choice in matters of the man, men, woman, or women they choose to love. Society has made great progress recently in smoking out men that force women into unwanted marriages, or use religion to claim authority over women and girls in their community. As polyamory grows and becomes a societal norm, the ability to call out the bad apples and maintain a safe world for all polyamorous people increases.

Keep in mind, there are many good polygamous families in this world. No part of supporting polyamory should include an intent to remove options from people. There is nothing wrong if a woman wants to become a sister wife and live in a traditional polygamous setting. There is nothing wrong with a man that wishes to seek out sister wives to grow a family to lead. Polygamy dating is just as valid and good as poly dating of any kind, as long as everyone is involved by choice. The key word in any dating situation is ‘choice.’ This is where polyamory excels in encouraging more equality around the world. Ensuring that everyone has a choice in their relationship and lifestyle is a huge step toward breaking down the patriarchal stronghold that poisons so much in our world. Some claim that breaking down a man’s control over his family (and the world) won’t encourage equality, rather it will shift control elsewhere. Not true! It’s scary to let go of some control, but it has to happen in order for society to find more balance. Polyamory empowers everyone involved to find balance. It also gives the added benefit of more than just two perspectives to influence and encourage a healthy equilibrium.

There is a lot of anger floating around this year. 2020 is a year we will never forget. People are at each other's throats over racial injustice, political differences, pandemic stress, and who knows what else is to come this year. Polyamorous and polygamous people may actually be forced to step outside of the dating world for a while in order to stay safe. If you’re blessed to already have one or more people in your life, take this time to grow a deeper relationship and consider the things you can do to encourage a more equitable world moving forward. Plural marriages and relationships often have the benefit of more resources, and more hands on deck, to accomplish great things. 

Think about how fortunate you are and how to share your fortune with others. Consider all the ways polyamory can help bring the world together. If the power of poly love is properly harnessed and spread throughout the world, equality won’t seem like such an impossible thing to achieve.

Published By: Christopher Alesich & Robyn Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

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