Chris's article

Poly relationships are just as likely to experience problems compared to monogamous ones, but the former creates unique circumstances that allow one or multiple people in the relationship to manipulate others.

To clarify, an abusive relationship is one where the perpetrator intends to harm the other person/people in the relationship. On the other hand, a toxic relationship may be where the perpetrator does not necessarily act with malice, although their behavior is still often harmful. In short, all abusive behavior is toxic, but not vice versa.

Nevertheless, whether it’s physical, psychological, or verbal, both abusive and toxic behavior should not be tolerated.

Let’s dissect some common toxic behaviors that may crop up in your relationship with a sister wife or husband.

1. They stop you from forming relationships with other people in the polycule

In some cases, toxic behavior is abusive. When a person in the relationship assumes the lead position (or dictator title, really), then it might be a good idea to step back and reassess the situation.

For instance, consider a married man and woman who decide together that they want an open relationship. They bring in another man, and the wife forms an intimate relationship with him immediately. However, she forbids her husband from interacting with this second man at all.

In another example, a married man dates multiple women and brings them home occasionally. His nesting partner wants to be friendly--at the very least--with these women, but he gets angry or downright violent if she attempts to make contact. 

In these instances, the toxicity goes beyond inconvenience and is bordering on emotional abuse. Abusers often want to isolate their partners, and in poly relationships, it can be easy for the perpetrator to inflict harm because these types of arrangements are not conventional.

A unique circumstance in a poly relationship is the use of veto power (or the power of someone in the relationship to reject a potential partner). Ideally, it’s granted to everyone in the relationship, but toxic people will seize total control.

This imbalance tilts power dynamics in favor of one person, which always ends in hurt feelings--or worse, abusive relationships.

2. They make all the decisions in the relationship/household

Similarly, a toxic person might assume control over other matters in the household, whether it’s about children or a financial matter. We’re not talking about an arrangement where everyone in the polycule relies on a sole breadmaker or decisionmaker, which is common in polygamous households.

We’re talking about relationships where one person does not consult, negotiate, or discuss anything with anyone else. The sole intention is to consolidate power so the other person (or people) remains completely powerless.

When the submissive partners in the relationship have no say, they might spiral into insecurity, dependence, and hopelessness. This stripping of power and autonomy is a telltale sign of a toxic and abusive person.

3. They dismiss your feelings and don’t respect your boundaries

Gaslighting gets thrown around lightly, but it is a serious abuse tactic that inflicts psychological or emotional harm. It refers to any behavior that aims to dismiss, manipulate, or misconstrue another person’s feelings, memories, or judgment.

At first, gaslighting might seem like something your husband or sister wife does out of frustration or anger. Over time, you might recognize it as a way for them to control you while avoiding problems in your relationship.

It can be something as simple as your partner lying about their whereabouts to your partner blaming you for every issue that comes up. Poly relationships can be confusing to understand and challenging to navigate, especially when it comes to setting boundaries.

However, your partner(s) should always respect these boundaries--this is a sign of a healthy person and a healthy relationship. You should never apologize for your feelings, and you should never feel like you’re walking on eggshells every time you want to bring up something to your partner(s).

4. They justify their actions through jealousy

This point might fall under the previous one, but we’ve created a whole section for it because jealousy is such an innate part of poly relationships. Everyone (or almost everyone) will feel jealous at one point, whether it’s a union between three wives and a husband, two couples, or a married couple and another man.

It’s just human nature. Nevertheless, jealousy is not a valid excuse for toxic behavior. It’s not an excuse for snooping through your phone when you’re not in the room. It’s not an excuse for bombarding you with texts and calls when you’re out with a sister wife. It’s not an excuse for being the punching bag for their verbal hits and emotional outbursts.

Jealousy can be dealt with in many ways, but when left unchecked, it manifests as toxic behavior that threatens to sabotage your relationship. Couples who have just signed up to sister wife dating sites, especially, need to be wary of these feelings and learn how to manage them.

Once the new energy relationship dies down, couples might find jealousy bubbling under the lovey-dovey surface.

5. They demand privacy but don’t reciprocate this trust

An open relationship doesn’t mean you have to put all your cards on the table. In any throuple, quad, or polycule, you’re still your own person. You are always entitled to privacy when you ask for it, so this point might overlap a little bit with Number 3--respecting boundaries.

For example, you and your partner might have agreed to pursue other people in the relationship separately, and that’s fair. What’s not fair is if they conceal every detail about their metamour, but demand to know everything going on in your relationship(s).

Again we see an imbalance in the relationship.

How do I fix a toxic relationship with my sister wife or husband?

First, I’d like to revisit two core values I offer to people new to the poly world who are facing issues right off the bat: Question your assumptions and expectations about relationships and then adjust your expectations to discover the best relationship style for you and your partner(s).

When you establish healthy boundaries, you’re forced to analyze what assumptions might be holding you back. Is it expecting your partner’s absolute time and attention? Is it assuming that every person will be like your first polyamorous lover? Is it expecting to feel no jealousy at all when a new sister wife moves in?

Once you’ve decided what boundaries you need, then you can change your expectations about your current relationship. Adjust and modify as necessary. Making your needs known to your partner(s) is an essential part of a healthy union, and if your partner or metamour does not want to respect your needs, that’s a giant red flag.

If your partner refuses to talk to you every time you try to work things out, counseling or therapy might be the next step. An objective third party with experience in relationships might be able to provide a safe space where you can all feel comfortable tackling sensitive issues.

What if you’re still in the dating pool? We know all about catfishing and scammers online, so I recommend our guides on how to avoid getting catfished and how to recognize red flags on poly dating sites. If you know the signs to look out for, then it’s easier to remove yourself from a potentially toxic relationship immediately.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Joining a sister wife dating website can be nerve-wracking. If your heart and mind are in it for the right reasons, the process is more likely to go smoothly. However, we are still human and can be pushed to make some questionable decisions.

I’ve covered a list of the seven common reasons why people join sister wives dating sites--the wrong reasons. Let’s go over them in detail.

You want to save the relationship by “spicing things up”

This is by far one of the most common reasons most people try polyamory and polygamy in general. When a monogamous relationship takes a rocky turn, one or both people in the relationship might think it a good idea to try polygamy or polyamory. This might be detrimental overall.

Resorting to finding a sister wife in a desperate attempt to bring excitement into the relationship is a sign that the partners want to avoid facing the actual problems in their union. This Band-Aid solution rarely works and highlights the importance of proper communication--monogamous relationship or not.

You just want to make your partner happy

In the same vein, if your partner wants to experiment, and you don’t want to jeopardize your relationship by objecting, then you might just be saying “Yes” for the sake of avoiding confrontation. It is a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes we are not compatible with our partners--whether we’ve been with them for one year or a decade.

If your partner is adamant about trying polyamory or finding a sister wife, and you know in your heart that you are a pure monogamist, then you must tell them. Holding onto uncomfortable feelings can lead to resentment down the road. This only means lost time on both ends.

You’re sexually unsatisfied in your current relationship

Polygamy and polyamory as a whole are oversexualized. The average reader might think about orgies, multiple sexual partners, and other X-rated images when the term polygamous relationship comes up. In fact, poly couples likely engage in the same sexual activities as monogamist couples do. 

Yes, group sex is a thing, and multiple partner arrangements exist, but media has demonized poly relationships on the sexual front. In reality, most poly relationships are calculated and are not full of risks.

If you or your partner wants to join sister wives dating sites for the sake of sexual satisfaction, then sister wives dating sites might not be for you. You might step back and think about what you need from your current partner and try out some possible solutions before expecting other people to provide the answer.

You expect relationships without full commitment

Poly relationships are portrayed as lax, indulgent, and casual. However, poly relationships (polygamous relationships, more specifically) are often committed. There’s no other way to be when you’re uniting multiple lives into a single thread.

While people might regard all poly relationships as uncommitted, this simply isn’t true. If you’re joining sister wives dating sites with this mindset, then you might be up for a rough wake-up call. Of course, not everyone is looking for something permanent and serious, but many people on sister wives dating sites are.

You want an excuse to be intimate with other people

Another common reason for people to join poly dating sites is to avoid the consequences of being intimate with others. This unhealthy reason helps give polyamory and polygamy a bad name because it ascribes a promiscuous attribute to consensual non-monogamy. In reality, people in poly relationships are meticulous about who they welcome into their lives and into their bedrooms.

Whether you’re a single person who wants to be with multiple people but balks at the idea of your partner being with someone else or a couple who finds the idea of a metamour thrilling, but in reality, crumble at the slightest sign of jealousy, the poly lifestyle should not be an excuse to experience extra-relationship intimacy minus the consequences.

You’re afraid of being alone

Moreover, you should not be on sister wives dating sites if you’re simply afraid of being alone. This rings true for anyone who doesn’t want to grow old alone and for any divorced person who thinks they’re increasing their odds of finding a relationship by trying the poly lifestyle.

You’re not only doing yourself a disservice by being honest with yourself, but you might be wasting your time, too. Most genuine polyamorists and polygamists can sniff out imposters a mile away.

You’re looking for extra financial help

Similarly, if you’re a divorced person with kids or a person who was not financially independent while in your previous relationship, don’t look to poly dating sites for an easy fix. Financial assistance is an immoral reason for turning to sister wives dating sites, and should only be considered a bonus when entering a poly relationship.

Misleading another person or people into a dishonest relationship cannot end well for anyone involved. Instead, ask for help where you can (friends, family, professional assistance), and work hard to get yourself where you need to be in good financial standing.

How do I know if a poly relationship is right for me?

There are many benefits to poly relationships, but these are not the reasons for joining one. Instead, ask yourself if you can handle the stressors in a poly relationship (namely jealousy and resource management), whether you want to enter a poly relationship or you feel pressured to do so, and why you want to be in a poly relationship.

If you can answer truthfully and are satisfied with your self-reflection, then it might be time to take the next step. Joining a poly dating site can feel intimidating, but it can also feel liberating. You’re a step closer to being your authentic self, and if you need clarification on the ever-growing list of poly terms, check out our poly terms and conditions article for the most recent insight.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Polygamists face a wide variety of stereotypes and assumptions from society. In order to understand the poly lifestyle, it’s important to learn more about it. That includes facts about polygamy as well as learning what’s not true about it. 

This post contains the top things most people don’t know about all things polygamy. So whether you’re new to polygamy or just interested in learning more about it, read on!

1. U.S. Moral Acceptance of Polygamy Has Increased 400%

In 2003, Gallup - a global analytics firm - first included polygamy in its "moral acceptability" section of the Values and Beliefs poll. That year, approval of polygamy in the United States was 7 %. However in the year 2006, public opinion on polygamous marriage took a sharp downturn, and just 5% of the population could describe it as “morally acceptable.” 

Then, Big Love premiered on HBO, followed by TLC's Sister Wives in 2010. In 2011, approval jumped to 11% which led to some speculation that some people just needed something like a television series to help them better understand polygamy dating and kill any mental blocks they had toward the lifestyle. It has steadily increased since then, with the acceptance of polygamy hitting 20% in 2020. This means it’s increased by 400% in 15 years.

2. Kody Brown Helped Decriminalize Polygamy in Utah

Those familiar with the reality show Sister Wives were used to hearing about Kody Brown working to reform his family's roles and relationships, but were pleasantly surprised to see him working to reform legislation, too. After being investigated for bigamy by Utah prosecutors, polygamist Kody Brown protested Utah's laws against polygamy. Though he failed in his initial endeavor, he continued to advocate for legal reform since then.

Since then, Brown and his wives became the face of polygamy advocacy, pushing for the Utah legislation to be passed for several years. It even became a plot point on several episodes of Sister Wives. One example of their advocacy was their participation in the “March for Liberty” on February 10, 2017, in Salt Lake City, Utah, to change laws surrounding poly marriage. In March 2020, the governor of Utah signed Senate Bill 102 into law, which allows a person to have multiple, consenting spouses at the same time and not be subject to felony charges.

3. Polygamists Aren’t Always Mormon

Polygamy was outlawed in all United States territories in 1862. At the time, Mormons were the main group of people who practiced plural marriage as a result gained property dominance in the Utah Territory. Basically, polygamy was outlawed because the government felt the Mormon church had too much control over land in Utah. In order to gain ownership of their assets back, the Mormon church officially discontinued the practice of plural marriage by 1890. 

However, existing plural marriages weren’t dissolved and this portion of the Mormons broke away and became what we know today as Mormon Fundamentalists. Some of them also fled to Canada and Mexico, who eventually also outlawed polygamy. This explains why the assumption in North America is that all polygamists are Mormons or vice versa, but what many don’t realize is the fact that there is a strong divide between fundamentalists and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So while Mormons may have originally introduced the lifestyle here, that was in the 1800s. Polygamy has since been modernized, so there are no requirements (other than all partners being consenting adults) to become a polygamist!

4. Polygamous Marriages Don’t Have a Hierarchy

In the early days of polygamy, being the first wife (or husband) in a polygamous marriage meant you had considerable authority and influence over every other spouse that was added to your husband's household. Though this isn’t the case today, a common misconception is that there’s a certain “ranking” for each sister wife. Sometimes people think the first wife gets all the perks, others think it’s the newest one. 

The truth is, there is no hierarchy in modern poly relationships. Just like a two-person marriage, it’s up to the people in the relationship to create their own dynamics. Each person may have their own role or area of responsibility, but it’s not decided based on how long they’ve been in the family.

5. There Are 2 Forms of Polygamy

Polygamy is usually associated soley with a man having sister wives. Though that’s the most common form of polygamy, it’s not the only one. In fact, there are three different polygamous lifestyles. 

The most-known sect of polygamy is polygyny, which is when a husband has multiple wives at the same time. The opposite of that is polyandry, where a woman has multiple husbands simultaneously.  Polyandry is much more rare than polygyny for a variety of reasons.

6. Cheating Exists in Polygamous Relationships

A common misconception is that polygamists and polyamorous people alike are essentially just enabling themselves to cheat on their partners. Or, in other words, that cheating doesn’t exist. We get it - when polygamists are ready to expand their family, they begin dating. However, poly dating is not as casual as monogamous dating is, as weird as that may sound. 

That’s because polygamists are dating to marry. While there’s of course a more casual beginning phase of going on a few dates and getting to know one another, if a polygamist can see the person they’re dating becoming their spouse and joining their family, they’ll progress toward that path quicker than “normal.” The other partners are aware of their spouse dating, though, and usually have boundaries set in place that everyone’s comfortable with. So if those boundaries are broken, it’s safe to say anyone - including a polygamist - would consider that cheating.

7. Polygamy Dating is More Convenient Than You Think

If you’re interested in finding a sister wife or otherwise becoming a polygamist, poly dating is not as out of reach as you may think. In fact, you can do it right from your phone! All you have to do is find the polygamy dating app or website for you.

At Sister Wives, we believe love is love and pride ourselves on giving people a way to find it. We also provide the tools and resources you need to learn more about polygamy dating and the poly community as a whole. Whatever stage of your journey you’re on, we’re here to help!

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

In March 2021, Sister Wives star Meri Brown announced that her 76-year-old mother passed away, prompting her to pause operations at her Utah bed and breakfast. Mariah Brown, Meri’s daughter and only child with husband Kody Brown, operated Lizzie’s Heritage Inn together on-site with Meri’s belated mother, Bonnie Ahlstrom.

In the wake of this tremendous loss, Lizzie’s Heritage Inn closed down for two months--until recently, that is, when Meri took the reins again with equal parts fervor and suspense. According to one Instagram post, she credits her confidence to the fact that she has a team behind her. Sister wife Meri announced the reopening on Instagram with a newfound perspective.

Meri’s upbeat caption matches a cheerful selfie featuring the inn’s “Welcome” sign. In 2017, the entire polycule wasn’t 100% on board with the idea at first, with one sister wife demanding to see a business plan before the family made decisions. Even husband Kody refused to finance Meri’s dream venture, claiming lack of resources as the cause.

Ultimately, Meri purchased her grandmother’s four-bedroom home in Parowan (several hours away from their then-home in Flagstaff, Arizona) and got the ball rolling with the help of her mother who acted as innkeeper until her death.

Despite this personal and professional success, sister wife Meri’s relationship with Kody has been deteriorating the past few years. A practical divorce, a catfishing scandal, lack of quality one-on-one time together, and other marriage stressors have strained their long-time connection. 

They attend therapy to improve their communication styles and address marital issues, but we are left to wonder whether their relationship can fully recover.

On the bright side, this sister wife has a village she can count on beyond her poly family. As we’ve all witnessed the past year, this support is extremely important, especially in times of loss and change. 

Fans are happy to hear Meri Brown say, “I have my people to lean on, and lean on them I do!”

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Tell someone you’re in the process of finding a second wife as a husband, and you might get some questions and a few raised eyebrows. Tell someone you’re looking for a second husband as a wife, and you might get a full lecture about why it’s wrong and why you should reconsider. 

Lately, there have been many negative opinions thrown around regarding polyandry--the practice of having more than one husband. It might be considered rare in this day and time, but polyandry does exist, and the reasons are varied. 

So let’s explore polyandry as a whole to gain a better understanding of why it may be regarded in a negative light.

How common is polyandry?

Although polyandry remains a unique arrangement, it can be found (and has been present) in nearly all continents. In particular, researchers have studied and surveyed societies in Asia and Africa to better understand this union type. 

During my investigation, I found no exact number that reveals how many families practice polyandry. For the sake of this article, a conservative guess would be that 0.47% of the human population is polyandrous.

Experts have put together a list of possible reasons why polyandry occurs. Frankly, many of them are based on evolutionary concepts, and there needs to be more focus on modern reasons not just in certain parts of the world, but in all societies.

Here are several motives behind polyandry.


In older cultures where polyandry is common, socioeconomic conditions perpetuate this type of relationship. For instance, some communities in India and Nepal practice polyandry because families do not want to break up land inheritances when multiple brothers marry different women.

Under monogamy, these land inheritances would be divided between the siblings, and the resulting land portions would be too small to farm effectively. Additionally, men moving away to marry different women further deplete their parents’ resources, resulting in poor living conditions for the parental unit.


Some cultures are polyandrous because of their geographic location. This applies to isolated communities and communities with little access to resources. Thus, monogamous marriages with multiple children would not be feasible.


In other instances, the imbalance between the male population and the female population has also led to polyandry. Although a man might be a suitable bachelor, he may be competing with many other males in the community. The logical solution is entering a polyandrous marriage. 

Combined, the conditions mentioned above all make polyandry the best option to promote survival. Instead of focusing on carrying on the family line by joining a monogamous marriage and producing an heir, males in polyandrous societies are typically more influenced by the community’s overall well-being.

Difficulties with finding a second husband

Although males may accept the fact that they might not produce an heir in a polyandrous marriage, they might still struggle with this truth throughout the relationship. 

In reality, the idea that they are less likely to father their genetic children in a polyandrous marriage is a major stressor. In the same vein, sexual jealousy is a significant problem in polyandrous homes.

As a result, men often seek out and prefer younger wives who have a higher chance of giving them children. However, not all poly couples or groups want children. Other instances of polyandry are a result of the need for protection against intruders who may prey on wives when the husbands are away from the home for too long.

The first husband and wife would rather ensure safety than maintain a monogamous relationship and risk fatal harm. Other obstacles polyandrous households face are similar to any other poly relationship. These challenges include jealousy, unequal affection and resource allocation, and poor connections overall.

Benefits of polyandry

Likewise, polyandry’s benefits mirror the benefits of finding a second wife. Particularly in Western nations, these benefits consist of more shared resources, a larger support network for the whole family, and more assistance in child-rearing.

For others, sexual and/or emotional satisfaction may be the most appealing aspect of having multiple husbands. You might just be someone who enjoys meeting other people, getting to know them, and sharing them with your significant others. You might be someone who wishes to be that supportive second husband to a hardworking wife. 

You might be enthralled by the idea of spending the rest of your days not just with one person, but many others who feel the same. We get it: the monogamous lifestyle isn’t for everyone. That’s why we founded Sister Wives in the first place--to help you find your people without judgment.

So why the judgment against polyandry? One word: bigotry. Many believe that polyandry tips the power too much in women’s favor. Others believe that polyandry violates the laws of marriage and nature. Others balk at the idea of men willingly handing over the reins to women in a household. 

No matter the brand of sexism and intolerance, it’s almost always absurd.

What’s our stance at Sister Wives?

This is to say that the sensational articles questioning or even attacking polyandry come from closed minds. Additionally, polyandry isn’t just “a misguided attempt by activists to equalize men and women” like polygamist Musa Mseleku would have you believe. Although equality and balanced power dynamics are fringe benefits of polyandry and sister wife relationships in general, it’s not the main driving force behind it.

We must keep in mind that people also choose polyandry for no other reason than wanting more meaningful relationships or more joy in their lives.

At the risk of sounding cliché, I’ll say it anyway: Love is love. Although we are called “Sister Wives,” our site offers much more than that. You can sign up as an individual, couple, or group and search for a female, male, couple, group, or all of the above. So whether you’re actively finding a second wife or wanting to explore polyandry, is a safe space that allows you to be your authentic self.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

When you hear “polygamy” or “sister wives,” you might think of the original Mormons, Kody Brown and his multiple sister wives, or Jacob from the Christian Bible. One thing these characters have in common? Being white. You might be surprised to hear, then, that there is a significant part of the Asian, Latinx, Black, and Indigenous population that practices polygamy or another form of poly lifestyle in America.

Why do we hear so little about it? The answer is a little complex. It’s a mixture of sociocultural attitudes, a lack of representation in the poly world, and privilege. To clarify, this privilege is granted to white or white-passing poly community members, which often makes polygamy dating a tricky and disappointing journey for many people of color (POC).

As allies, we have the honor and responsibility of making the poly community more inclusive, more welcoming, and more secure for everyone regardless of race. Like in many spaces within society, the polygamy dating sphere is tinged with prejudice. Let’s take a look at why this is so, and what we can do together to change it.

Do POC practice polygamy or polyamory?

Judging by the historically white face of the poly community (think shows like “Sister Wives” and Escaping Polygamy), most people assume that only white people partake in polygamy dating or plural relationships. In actuality, some studies have shown that people of color are just as likely to engage in consensual non-monogamy
Additionally, there has been an uptick of poly dating in the black community. Whether it’s due to wanting sister wives, needing economic security, or having more control over children’s education is still up for debate, but it’s rising nonetheless.
However, since POC are not represented well in the poly world, they might feel hesitant to share and be public about their lifestyles with friends and family. In particular, poly Asian and Latinx are less likely to divulge their full identities to family members, which may contribute to our lack of knowledge about the precise number of POC in the poly dating world.
People of color also often feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe in poly networks, especially at in-person meetings or in online forums. This discomfort is perhaps rooted in the fetishization of and discrimination against POC, which is then ignored or even inflamed by white leaders in our community.
Kevin A. Patterson, a Black poly community member and author of Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities, noted that he often disagrees with how white organizers treat POC attendees at poly events. 
Holding his ground, he points out where leaders need improvement, and this has sometimes led to real change taking place. The other times it doesn’t, he is alienated altogether by the people in charge. It’s Patterson and other peers like him that we need to listen to.

Common challenges POC face

When I read about poly lifestyles and race, I come across recurring obstacles POC face. These issues keep them not just from attending poly events, but typically prohibits them from trying out the lifestyle in the first place.

● POC are afraid of being reduced to and treated like a fetish. This is especially true for women of color.● POC do not share the white privilege of living a nontraditional lifestyle with little consequence. POC fear that others will resort to stereotypical insults about POC being vulgar, indecent, and/or backwards when admitting that they’re polyamorous. In contrast, white people receive relatively less backlash for this choice.● Many POC simply cannot afford the resources needed in polygamy dating. This includes time and money.● POC families are less likely to be familiar with poly terms. This results in a big misunderstanding of or lack of knowledge about consensual non-monogamy, polygamy, polyamory, polygyny, and other poly subcategories. In the end, many poly POC avoid sharing their lifestyles with family in fear of rejection.

So what can white allies/partners do to protect POC in the poly community?

Just as we must make sure POC are safe in other shared spaces like schools, offices, and public commercial establishments, we must create room for everyone in the poly realm. This process of unlearning biases, calling out racism, and discussing difficult issues is continuous.

Check your own problematic attitude(s), if any.

Like I mentioned above, a big barrier to more POC joining the poly world is feeling like a fetish or object to others, especially to white partners. Having a kink or personal preference about someone (e.g. funny, muscular, smart) is dramatically different than seeking out sister wives who meet a race criteria. This brings us to our next point.

Don’t be afraid to call out others’ racist attitudes.

If you know someone (or a couple) who actively seek out sister wives by virtue of race and color, it’s your responsibility to remind them of the racist agenda behind their actions. This might create tension in your personal relationship, but on the flip side, it might awaken them to a process of unlearning and letting go of their questionable mindsets.

Even if it’s uncomfortable, keep talking about racism and discrimination.

Some conversations will be more difficult than others, but when the going gets tough, you just keep going. To become real allies to POC, we must be open to discussion. To do so, we must educate ourselves and educate others on what it means to have privilege and how to wield it in a way that lifts others up.

Learn about racial and social issues from POC.

What better way to learn how to be a better ally than learning from actual people of color? Nowadays, knowledge is always available at our fingertips in the form of videos, articles, research reports, podcasts, and books. 
There’s no excuse to be uneducated on racial matters. This knowledge and self-awareness help deepen the trust between you and poly POC in your life that experience discrimination every day. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Why is Polygamy Illegal?

The reason polygamy and the act of plural marriage as a whole is illegal is complicated. The short answer is: It seems that it’s just easier for lawmakers to keep it outlawed because essentially all systems and policies that America operates on are all built around the concept of two spouse households. Legalizing poly marriages would basically entail an overhaul of all of these systems.  

Now for the long answer, which requires a bit of a history lesson:

Polygamy was outlawed in federal territories in 1862 by the Morrill Anti-Bigamy Act, signed into law by Abraham Lincoln (yes… THAT long ago). The act was directed at Mormons who practiced plural marriage and the resulting property dominance this gave them in the Utah Territory. Basically, it was outlawed because the government felt the Mormon church had too much control over land in Utah, which was not yet an official state.

Though enforcement of the law didn’t begin until 1887, the Mormon church had officially discontinued the practice of plural marriage by 1890. This was the only way they would be granted ownership of their assets back, which they received three years later. 

However, existing plural marriages were not dissolved. This group of people broke away from the official Mormon church and called themselves Mormon Fundamentalists. Many of the polygamists in North America, including Kody Brown of Sister Wives, identify as this. We’ll expand on this later. 

Today, plural marriage - referred to legally as “bigamy” - is outlawed in all 50 states and all U.S. territories. It is enforced on a state level, which is why Utah was able to decriminalize polygamy last year. Keep in mind that decriminalizing is different than legalizing. To legalize plural marriage in all U.S. states and territories, a federal law or Supreme Court ruling (like Obergefell v. Hodges) would have to be passed that overturned all state laws that make it illegal. 

The reason this hasn’t happened, like the reason it was outlawed in the first place, is that the tax systems, healthcare system, immigration system, etc. all operate on the basis that you are either single or married to one spouse. This means there would have to be a lot of policy changes and updates to both accommodate plural marriages as well as prevent people from finding “loopholes.”

It’s ironic that as old a practice polygamy is, it’s somehow ahead of its time in terms of the American societal and legal structure. If you’ve ever wondered why poly marriages weren’t legalized soon after same-sex marriages (because even though polygamy is not a sexuality, thus not part of LGBTQ+) it’s partially because same-sex marriage still only permits two people. Plus, there was a much larger push from society for the legalization of same-sex marriage as the LGBTQ+ community is far larger than the poly community.

Explaining the Stigma Polygamy And Polyamory

Several religions practice polygamy around the world. The main (if not only) religion that practices it in the U.S. are the Mormon Fundamentalists we mentioned earlier. This group of people is mainly comprised of descendants from the original fundamentalists that lived in Utah when polygamy was outlawed. 

So, a lot of people were born into the life of a polygamist - many of which didn’t consent to it. These cases raise the issue of consent among polygamous as well as polyamorous relationships, and rightfully so. All parties of a poly relationship should be willing and consenting individuals. If a partner enters a polygamous marriage at a young age and later feels it’s not the right lifestyle for them, they should have every right to leave amicably. 

This is an important issue to acknowledge and face head-on. Though these actions don’t summarize the entire poly community, they do affect us as a whole. Polygamy isn’t a big enough community in the U.S. for people from the outside looking in to know we aren’t all the same. 

That’s why we wanted to write this post: Because it’s important not to hide from the issues that members of our community have created to show that not only do we not condone that behavior, we also won’t enable it. 

It’s also important to note that while polygamy has been practiced religiously, you don’t have to be a member of a certain religion to become a polygamist. The role religion plays on the bias toward poly people isn’t just in the background of our community, but also in the way other conservative religions view us. 

Like we said, the polygamous community is relatively small, especially in comparison to some religious groups such as Christianity, for example. That’s not to say that all Christians automatically disapprove of polygamy but the amount that do, do so loudly. This created a certain narrative that polygamists haven’t had the platform to speak on until recently, though we could use more representation than a reality show or two.

At Sister Wives, we believe you don’t have to limit yourself to being one thing or the other. We welcome people of all different types of faith and backgrounds into the polygamous community. It’s just important to understand the different stigmas toward poly people and the roots of each of them. Whether you’re thinking about becoming a polygamist or just wanting to educate yourself, it’s important to know the background of something in order to truly understand it.

How Society Feels About Polygamy

Though younger generations are increasingly open-minded toward polygamy, some biases still remain. The main stigma around polygamy revolves around the abuse some religious groups have allowed, particularly towards the wives. Obviously, modern polygamists don’t condone or practice that - but it’s understandable why people would assume we all fall under the same umbrella.

There’s also the hyper-conservative group that loudly oppose polygamous and polyamorous marriages the same way they opposed same-sex marriages. The fact is, no matter how much new information you provide them, there are people who will never change their opinions. Which is fine, but they are not the face of public opinion. 

After doing a bit of research online, we found that the majority of people either support modern poly relationships or… just don’t care. There might be a bit of initial surprise when you introduce yourself as polygamous, but more than likely it will wear off after a few rounds of questions. Being poly is a huge part of our identity but it’s not all we have to offer, and good people will be able to understand that and move along.

We hope you found this article insightful and can walk away with a better understanding of the stigma around polygamy. People at the beginning of their poly journey may be intimidated by the biases people may have toward them should they become a polygamist. If you think about it, it’s mainly because you just don’t know what to expect in terms of how people will react. 

Remember, one of the greatest advantages of polygamy and polyamory alike is that you won’t be alone. Not only will you gain partners, but you also gain a community of people who have been where you are and can help. That’s why at Sister Wives, we offer resources including educational articles and several ways to interact with others in the poly community, such as our forum. These things and more are what make Sister Wives the best poly matchmaking site out there!

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Mother’s Day is a tricky holiday to celebrate indeed. More than likely, there are multiple women in your life you want to honor on this special day--two mother figures (your own mother and your partner’s mother) plus any sister wife in the family. Additionally, if you have daughters who are old enough to be mothers themselves, they need to be included in the equation, too. So how does it work in a poly relationship? When is it acceptable to introduce a potential sister wife to your children and celebrate holidays together? Who do you invite to the festivities? Let’s take a look at common questions regarding Mother’s Day in poly households.

How to spend Mother’s Day with sister wives

If you’re a man in a plural marriage, you might need to strategize. When in doubt, a big celebration with everyone included removes the risk of a sister wife feeling neglected. If time and resources permit, this holiday is also the perfect opportunity for quality one-on-one time with each sister wife. This precious day can help you establish some annual traditions like going out for dinner at a specific restaurant or visiting a place that means a lot to your relationship.

If you’re a sister wife and want to show how much you appreciate the other mamas in your relationship, even just a card, a bouquet of flowers, and a heartfelt speech can strengthen any bond. Likewise, a small act of love like preparing the day’s breakfast or offering to take their child (or children) for a few hours to free up time in their schedule can mean the world.

For established poly marriages with sister wives who have multiple children that have grown up together, this might not be a problem at all. You might already have a system in place where the host family rotates each year. Of course, not all poly relationships include children, and consequently, motherhood. Perhaps your dilemma is figuring out whose mother-in-law’s house you’ll visit for the day. In any case, clear communication and reasonable dialogue about expectations surrounding this holiday should not be avoided.

What’s the best gift for a sister wife with kids

We’ve all been there. We’ve struggled to pick out the right gift for a birthday or special occasion, and eventually settled for something generic. While generic works well for casual relationships like with coworkers or neighbors, it might spell disaster as a Mother’s Day offering.

Keep in mind that while being a mother can be a big part of a sister wife’s identity, that’s not their whole identity. Mothers in monogamous relationships also have other interests outside of caretaking, whether it’s a photography hobby, an annual international trip, or a reading club. Paying attention to a sister wife’s interests outside of family (whether you’re a partner or a fellow sister wife) and acknowledging it on big days like this only fosters a more loving relationship. My advice is to take note of their current likes and dislikes even before Mother’s Day, and pick out something with thought instead of opting for a gift they might end up returning to the store. While gift cards usually scream, “I didn’t know what to get you, so here’s $100 in credit,” it might actually work in your favor if the gift card is to a store or place a sister wife frequents.

When do we introduce someone to children at home?

Poly dating or not, this question baffles the best of us. Most love seekers follow the general rule of thumb of waiting three to six months before introducing someone to the family. This number might change depending on your children’s ages and therefore whether or not they have an understanding of your family dynamics. Moreover, you might introduce someone you (or you and your partner) are dating to friends before introducing them to your family. Why? Typically, meeting friends is less complicated and less stressful.

In terms of when to invite dating partners to big events at home, it depends. If your children have a close relationship with a sister wife (or unofficial sister wife) and see her as a mother figure, including her in Mother’s Day celebrations is natural. However, feelings are never clear cut, and your first wife (or the childrens’ mother) might not agree with sharing the title of Mom. Again, the key here is communication about expectations, but this time, you can extend the conversation to boundaries and family roles.

Other holidays with sister wives and poly families

The bottom line with poly families and holidays is that figuring out logistics might always be more effort than a nuclear family’s simple plans. This is especially true if sister wives and their children live in different households, or if the children have their own families, too.

The key to determining the best gift, venue, food, and entertainment is a matter of trial and error. You might not be able to control everything in life, but you can count on family members who would do anything to ensure your well-being, holiday or not. Together, you’ll figure out a system that works for everyone.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

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