Chris's article

Healthy friendships are an important part of a happy life. Friends give us an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on, and provide some of the most exciting times we’ll ever have. Polyamorous people are often drawn to each other because they share similar lifestyles. Sometimes we want relationships that includes sex, sometimes not. Everyone needs friends without the complications sex can introduce. Feelings of comradery can evolve into sexual attraction even if that’s the last thing you’d want with a close friend. Facing these feelings and sorting out the direction you wish to go with a friend is terribly stressful and the strain on yourself, and your romantic partners, can cause long lasting harm. How do two polyamorous people maintain a non-sexual relationship when unwanted sexual attraction becomes part of the equation? 


Romantic feelings among sister wives in the polygamist community are sometimes not allowed to be explored, but, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. When a polygamist man finds a sister wife to grow the family he’s often finding women that have a few things in common. Traits he finds attractive. These similarities lead to close friendships among sister wives and those friendships can lead to more intimate feelings. If those feelings are unwanted, or not allowed, the two wives will have to discuss ways to set them aside. Avoidance is not really an option in a polygamist family so it will come down to self control. Avoid opportunities for intimacy, get some space when you can, and don’t be afraid to talk about your love for each other along with the importance of boundaries. Sexual feelings that have not been acted on can safely be kept between those involved. Learn to love each other the ways you can and never be ashamed. 


Polyamorous people outside of the polygamist world will run into many people throughout life that are potential romantic partners. Not every polyamorous person you meet, however, will have a mutual attraction. Often the only desire from one side or the other is to simply be friends. Before considering how to be ‘just friends’ with someone in your life when sexual attraction develops you have consider the facts. What motivates you to maintain the friendship? Is the feeling mutual? Will sex be too risky with this friend? If unwanted, or unwise, sexual attraction is involved you’ll have to sort it out. Here are a few things to ponder. 


First, is sexual attraction creeping in from one or both sides of the friendship? 

If you have one-sided romantic feelings toward a friend you can’t ignore the situation in hopes they will slowly fade away. The feelings will soften over time but you have to prepare yourself to handle it until then. Unrequited love can be dangerous. Consider the possibility your friend may also have feelings for you and you’re responding to a mutual attraction. If that is not the case you have to get yourself under control. It’s often best to keep such feelings to yourself and learn to embrace your friendship for what it is. Let go of the things you cannot control. You may need a little less time together until the friendship feels more natural again, but that’s better than losing everything because you can’t have exactly what you want from someone. 


If a friend has romantic feelings towards you, and you’re aware of it, you need to be as supportive as possible. Consider it a compliment and show them you value their friendship. If you can help them move past the feelings you stand to keep a friendship that’s based on some pretty deep roots. As experienced in most intimate relationships, romantic feelings soften over time. Sex takes a back seat eventually in most relationships and friendship becomes the main drive. This same process should occur with friends that never act on their sexual attraction to each other.  


If the attraction is mutual you really have a hurdle to climb. Maybe you’re both polyamorous but already involved in closed groups. Maybe you aren’t out as bisexual yet and can’t spring that on your current partners. Whatever the reason, if you’re both sexually attracted but committed to maintaining a ‘friends only’ situation, it will take effort and great self control. It’s probably best not to be alone in a private room together and you might only hang out together among other friends until your attraction eases up. The desires will lessen over time. It would be healthier to go ahead and come out as bi, or discuss your feelings with your lovers, but things can be more complicated than that. Some people can be true friends with benefits and your romantic partners won’t mind. If that’s you, consider yourself lucky! Most of us have to be careful about intertwining sex in our relationships too easily. 


As the saying goes, “With great joy comes great sorrow.” A Sister Wife honoring her family by setting aside unwanted sexual desires is not easy, but the light her family brings to her heart will make it worthwhile. Two friends parting ways because they’re aware their relationship will only lead to trouble is horrible, but the lovers they spare from pain are worth it. Finding a new sister wife or a new polyamorous lover is exciting. The commitments made in the process are important. We can try to avoid much ‘sorrow’ by leaving relationships very open, but boundaries cannot be avoided. All hope is not lost. There are plenty of ways to love someone on a deep level without getting sex or intimacy involved. Find an alternative to sex that can strengthen your bond in other ways. Be mindful, be respectful, and don’t give up too easily on good friends.   









Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com

Television shows and social media are exposing the masses to real polygamist families and to relationships involving more than two people on a daily basis. Shows like ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ and ‘Sister Wives’ have shown us the very real joys and struggles a polygamist family faces and how similar they are to all of us. Many of us have a friend or two on Facebook that are involved in a triad (or more) relationship and they have grown comfortable being public about their situation. Exposure is a key element in progress. With so many eyes being opened to other options for a love life we can expect the future of polyamorous and polygamist relationships to be bright. 


In the recent past the term polygamy carried a heavily negative connotation. It historically can bring up bad elements in a solely patriarchal approach to marriage. This is not to say a sister wife won’t want a patriarch to lead the family, but that most women today can make that choice. There will always be unfortunate circumstances, but as polygamy becomes better known, and less hidden, it will be easier for society to suss out the bad apples while better enabling the good ones. Rights to form relationships and marriages to match your situation are inevitable as we realize polygamist families are simply being true to their harmless desires. If people in a relationship want to find sister wives to join them it can do absolutely no harm to anyone not involved. As long as everyone involved is there by choice there is no reason for anyone to intervene and threaten the relationship. Acceptance of polygamy will continue to grow if we stay on the current path.


Polyamorous relationships have also had the good fortunate of more positive exposure. There is a wider range of relationship styles among polyamorous people and some of them even maintain elements of polygamist families or involve sister wives. The gay community has been an early adopter of triads or other multiple partner relationships. Not having a long standing tradition of marriage and monogamy made this an easier option for many gay people. The hetero community nowadays is not far behind. The realization that relationships belong to the people involved and should reflect only their desires is liberating. As more people find they are not alone in their feelings, and we don’t have to follow a preset formula to build relationships, monogamy as we know it will be increasingly less common. 


Polyamory does not equal unfaithful. Even a group of people in a relationship will usually want some form of commitment. The level of commitment and level of sexual freedom depends on the individuals involved and can change over time. Sometimes a polygamist family will be looking for a new sister wife and other times they will be focusing on the existing family. A triad may spend some time dating others to grow their relationship but otherwise enjoy a closed situation. An interesting aspect of poly love is the greater attention to sharing and exploring new ideas about love and sex. The openness makes the ability to stay on the same page as your partner/s much easier. Even monogamous couples can decide to occasionally play with others as polyamory becomes more understood and accepted socially. 


With all progress comes a backlash. Some people just cannot stand to see others living happy lives when it doesn’t match their opinion of a good and happy life. There is nothing you can do about people like this. The only response is to continue loving yourself, loving your partners, and loving your family. Keeping your relationships happy and healthy will make the naysayers sound like a tiny peep instead of a loud roar. 


The future for polyamorous and polygamist people is bright. Society will adjust policies and standards to accommodate new realities in modern relationships. Progress is already underway in redefining what relationships can be and progress is relatively fast once it begins. In the year 2000 most people didn’t think they’d live to see gay marriage legalized nationally in the United States yet by the end of the decade that’s exactly what happened. Once society begins to realize they have views based on false information and fear it changes quickly. Polyamory is the latest frontier in the never ending quest for a more free and fulfilling world. Multiplying love is a beautiful thing.   









Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com

Relationships bring lives together. Individuals that don’t know each other today may be moving across the world to be closer to each other just months from now. When people fall in love the desire to be together can often conquer any obstacle in their way. Polyamorous people could easily have lovers in multiple locations and the strain of distance can be tough on the bond you share with others. Many long distance relationships prove to be too difficult and the people involved end it in order to stop the emotional strain. If splitting up is not an option there are plenty of ways to keep the magic alive. 


Polygamist relationships typically involve a family with multiple sister wives and a husband at the core. As a polygamist husband finds more sister wives he’ll run into unique situations and will need to make decisions on how he wants his polygamist family to exist. He may prefer all the sister wives to live under one roof, or, he may prefer that the sister wives live in multiple places. He may find having sister wives in different geographic locations works as well. It’s important that the husband discusses his preferences with the sister wives and forms a family which works for everyone involved. A sister wife might greatly enjoy having him all to herself for a week or month at a time but they must ensure this works for the whole family. Avoid crossing the line of neglecting one sister wife while favoring another. 


Sister wives are part of one family even if they live in separate homes or locations. They don’t have to be incredibly close but time does need to be spent developing a relationship with each other. The husband needs to be available to all of his sister wives, when needed, at all times. Video chat or conference calls are great tools to help maintain a family that lives in multiple locations. Communication is key. There is no option of skimping on communication. Full family gatherings should be frequent and fun. 


Polyamorous relationships have countless options when it comes to living situations. Living with a husband or wife, or boyfriend or girlfriend, while maintaining another lover in another location is commonplace. Something so simple as a job relocation can lead to living with a boyfriend or girlfriend far from your husband or wife. The relationships you keep and the way you maintain them is entirely up to everyone involved. Again, technology like video chat makes long distance relationships much easier to maintain. Not so long ago the idea of a long distance relationship was nearly fantasy. Frequent communication and being available when you are needed by any of your partners will keep your bonds healthy. 


A fun idea for closed polyamorous groups, or even for sister wives, is to consider long distance relationships an opportunity to travel frequently. Having a home in multiple locations is a bonus most people never have access to. It’s exciting to have a love life that provides the opportunity to get away so often and easy. Be careful not to run away from one partner to another over frustrations. Leaving issues unresolved through escapism will lead to bigger problems ahead. If you aren’t able to see a partner that lives far away frequently make sure to bring up issues of importance even if your time together is short. Leaving a lover in the dark is the fastest way to make them feel unloved and disconnected. 


Being forward about your feelings and open minded about your partner’s feelings will lead to long, happy, relationships regardless of geographic circumstances. It’s very easy to feel isolated when you can’t be with the people you love. Sister wives or polyamorous lovers need to know the signs of problems and find ways to address them. Knowing the one you love is with another lover can feel unbearable. Polyamory requires one to control jealous feelings as jealousy is inevitable. Don’t be afraid to discuss the issue but never approach it from a negative or angry position. A sister wife has to accept that her husband will be with her other sister wives, and not her, sometimes. A polyamorous person has to accept that their lover will be with other lovers sometimes, and not them, regardless of the location. Lean on each other, and support each other, to get through the difficult moments. Never forget that even when your partner is with another lover, they miss you too. 


Ideally, geographic location would have little effect on the bond two polyamorous people share, but, the world is often less than ideal. No amount of communication can resolve the feeling of longing for some people and not seeing your lover for a month is simply not an option. Sometimes a long distance relationship is a nonstarter and that’s okay. Limiting relationships this way is a bit sad but an acceptable reality. When you are seeking a sister wife or dating in the world of polyamory it’s important to discuss possibilities like long distance situations. It’s important for a man to tell potential sister wives up front about the family life he wants to build. It’s important that potential partners are aware you’ll be away with another lover occasionally. It’s only fair to be up front about it. It boils back down to communication, love, and understanding.







Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com

Humans have opinions. Some opinions are very strong while others may be of little importance. Either way, we are full of them. It’s good to have opinions! They are developed from experience and knowledge and they help keep your life on a stable track that you can comprehend and make progress on. Sometimes we think we know more than we do and sometimes that leads to attitudes or words that only work to harm the world around us. Knowing when and where your opinions can help or when they will only cause harm is a trait everyone needs to develop. 


Polygamous and polyamorous people are no stranger to opinions that only work to cause harm. If a woman mentions she wants to become a sister wife she will face harsh scrutiny by people that disagree with polygamy. It’s important for a man looking for a sister wife to know his prospective sister wives face this scrutiny so he can be supportive. It’s the same story for polyamorous people. Discussing the issue and providing support to your partners, and your peers, is a necessity. Unfortunately, there are too often harmful opinions being expressed even within the polygamist and polyamorous communities. The inability to accept the diversity of lifestyle and choice does serious damage to the happiness and viability of polygamist and poly families. 


Diversity conjures images of a multi-ethnic group. While the right to date a person of any background you please is important, diversity means this, and so much more, in the polyamorous world. Diversity refers to every possible variation in the world outside of yourself. There is diversity in dating standards. Diversity in religious views. Diversity in expectations. It’s everywhere you look! Other people are not always like you and accepting this will free you from creating negativity in the world. 


Here’s a great example. A current ‘Sister Wives’ star recently expressed her disapproval of a couple on ‘Seeking Sister Wife’. She feels their choice to have sex before marriage was morally wrong. At the very core it is none of her business. It’s not her family or relationship and she has no place even sharing an opinion on the matter. While it may seem harmless on the surface, words like this go a long way in making life more difficult for polygamist people. Words like this are divisive and seek to put others below yourself as if, somehow, it makes you morally superior. People questioning polyamory or polygamy may hear this and use it to help form a negative opinion of both. It shows a lack of solidarity and a belief that polyamory is basically immoral at its’ core.


Solidarity is vitally important when you don’t live according to societal norms. People that want to express disapproval, and prove they are correct, will look for any cracks they can find and expose them. Having an opinion and convincing others to agree with you is like a drug for some people. They can’t get enough and if you give them the power they’ll have everyone they know shunning you. Every time you think you’re winning their approval by saying things against others like you, they’re actually getting further ahead. Don’t feed the beast of negativity. 


The old saying, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” fits perfectly here. A sister wife can approach a fellow sister wife privately with questions about her choices, but they should avoid nasty judgments when speaking publicly about each other. The same goes for the polyamorous community. Concern for one another is healthy. Judging each other is not. A good rule of thumb before expressing disapproval of others is to first ask yourself, “is this helpful, is it doing any good?” If the answer is no it’s best to keep your opinion to yourself. 


Finding sister wives is like finding gold for a polygamist man. Finding multiple partners you love is heaven for polyamorous people. The joy polygamist and polyamorous lives can bring is beyond words. There are too many miserable people in this world that want nothing more than to rain on your parade. They find multiple romantic partners, of any sort, to be morally corrupt and they aren’t afraid to say it. The entire poly community must maintain solidarity. They must learn to respect the many different possibilities when more than two people love each other. Embrace the diversity. This is the only way to show the world against us how beautiful our lives really are. 










Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com

A new season of Seeking Sister Wife has kicked off and the drama has taken no time to start. There are very different approaches to courting a potential new sister wife and some very differing ideas about boundaries. Negative reactions to your man talking to another woman begs to question how does a sister wife expect him to find new sister wives. Jealousy is difficult but where does it fit in a polygamist family? How can you find a new sister wife if the boundaries don’t allow for the development of a new relationship?


Accusing your partner of essentially cheating when affection develops in another of their relationships is completely in opposition to being a polygamist or in a polyamorous relationship. A sister wife cannot expect a man to only have eyes for her and it’s ludicrous to demand standards that will prevent other relationships from developing. What’s the point of being a polygamist if you don’t want your partner to have other relationships and potentially grow the family? Why would you claim to be polyamorous if you don’t want to allow your partner to show affection to anyone but you? 


None of this is to suggest you shouldn’t have boundaries, but when your boundaries essentially push for monogamy you should stop pretending to be poly. It’s unseemly (or worse) to claim you are polygamous or polyamorous, if you’re not, then corner a lover into a life they don’t desire. It’s absolutely possible to ‘cheat’ if you’re polyamorous but setting standards that guarantee your partner eventually ‘cheats’ is cruel. A polygamous family is the same. Standards are important but futile if they only ensure failure. Cheating also doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship.


‘Cheating’ is a tough situation in any relationship. It’s even more difficult and confusing among polygamous families or in polyamorous relationships. The key to coping with cheating is to consider the intent. Monogamous relationships are black and white where the answer to sex with or dating other people is just no. If a polygamous family wants to grow they have to allow for finding new sister wives which means dating other women. If polyamorous people are truly polyamorous they have to allow their partners to express affection with others and not interfere with new relationships. 


If you’re poly partner or spouse is frequently sexting or staying over with a new partner it can feel  heartbreaking. Sharing your established love life with someone new is not always easy. However, getting angry with your partner for doing these things is not necessarily fair. Have you discussed your boundaries with them? Are they outwardly trying to hurt you, or do they even know their behavior upsets you? Do you know your own boundaries?


If you’re uncertain of your own boundaries it’s vital that you spend time considering them. You can save your relationship, and a ton of heartache, if you have set clear expectations with your partners. If your standards basically don’t allow your partners to date or spend time developing other relationships you need to reconsider your entire attachment to your partner. Are you really polyamorous? Or do you really want to be part of a polygamist family? 


If the answer to either question is yes… you have to embrace the lifestyle. If the jealousy is too much to handle sometimes you have to find coping mechanisms to keep it out of your mind. Tell your partner the things you simply can’t handle and create some basic rules you both follow to ensure your relationship stays healthy. 


Don’t be naive. Boundaries will be pushed. When boundaries get pushed be careful to address the situation reasonably. Keep an open mind and don’t forget the love you share with your partner. If the intent was cruel and your partner completely disregarded your feelings you might have a real problem. Some people cannot be trusted, or believe your feelings are nonsensical, and you have to decide if you can handle a partner that refuses to follow any rules. Maybe you also don’t really like rules. In the long run, you don’t want your partner afraid of always telling the truth. At times boundaries have to be be elastic to keep them from breaking. It cannot be stressed enough that intent is the only relevant factor when it comes to cheating in the poly world. 


Seeking Sister Wife is exploring these topics incredibly well this season. The differing approaches to what is perceived as cheating are very interesting. I can’t help but feel one of the situations is revealing a person that isn’t truly comfortable being a polygamist. Another approach is proving to be compassionate and understanding of the inevitability of imperfection. The polyamorous and polygamous world have unique struggles but the payoff can be a life full of love. Nobody is perfect but that doesn’t mean you can’t allow for a little fun. Isn’t that largely why we fall in love? It’s fun. Keep it that way.    









Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc - Sisterwives.com

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