Chris's article

Webster’s Dictionary defines fidelity as “the quality or state of being faithful.” It’s a powerful word as it can refer to faithfulness to many things, like faithful to a religion, a marriage, a person, or an idea. However, most people think of monogamy and marriage when they think of fidelity. In fact, infidelity is one of the biggest accusations polyamorous people face when confronted about their relationships that involve multiple partners. The idea that one can be faithful to many lovers is lost on people who insist there is only one acceptable version of a committed relationship. In some cases, they may be right. A total lack of commitment to poly ‘lovers’ doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t have a polyamorous relationship. Levels of commitment and faithfulness are free to be determined by the people involved in a poly relationship. So, is it possible to cheat if you’re polyamorous? How are the lines drawn that make poly relationships legitimate in the first place?
Let’s circle back to the concept stating that levels of commitment and faithfulness are free to be determined by the people involved in a poly relationship. This concept cannot apply to only polyamorous relationships, right? It has to be the same for monogamous relationships, right? Wrong! Being monogamous comes with a set of rules that does not allow for any kind of straying from your relationship or marriage. Honestly, even looking at another person, other than your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, with sexual desire is considered being unfaithful. This may sound harsh, but according to Christian standards of monogamy, it’s absolutely true. You should only have eyes for your monogamous partner. If you do not avoid sexual thoughts about others, you are dabbling in infidelity. Therefore, freedom to determine the nature of your relationship, in this sense, only applies to polyamorous people. This is why many monogamous people feel it’s impossible for a polyamorous person to be faithful. Here’s a hint though, they’re wrong.
To limit the definition of fidelity to only fit the concept you’ve chosen to follow simply doesn’t add up. You can have full faith and commitment to the idea of a family in a form that suits your desires. To assume that a perfectly happy ‘family’ isn’t legitimate because it doesn’t conform to your standards is pure arrogance. Polygamy has earned an unfortunate reputation because of patriarchal abuses throughout history, but it doesn’t make a polygamous family any less legitimate than any other family. Same for any poly group sharing a concept of family together. A woman that wants to be a sister wife, or a man that is looking for a sister wife to join his family, needs no approval from society to validate their family or desires. Polygamy dating is complicated enough without naysayers trying to interfere. To suggest a man is ‘cheating’ on his current wife by seeking a sister wife can only be valid if his wife is unaware, or does not approve. It’s nobody else’s business.
This brings us around to the point. Whatever is considered ‘cheating’ is only the business of people involved in a polyamorous relationship. For monogamous people, it’s cut and dry. They’ve chosen a pre-set path where all the rules of monogamy apply. Even if they say they don’t mind an occasionally straying husband or flirty wife, if they aren’t only having eyes for, and especially sex with, each other, they are being unfaithful. They’d be better off declaring they are polyamorous and allowing each other to explore without the boundaries of monogamy. It doesn’t mean they can’t be married to each other. It would only mean they refuse to stay married to the concept of monogamy. It also would mean they’d have the freedom to determine their own rules and start having a more honest conversation about themselves. Once polyamory is embraced your relationship can evolve into its’ unique form.
Cheating, as a polyamorous person, can be a complicated matter. It’s difficult to pin down because cheating would require someone failing to meet the expectations that have been set with each person they are involved with. If you have one partner and an open sex policy it’s fine to have a one night stand, but developing deeper feelings for another person requires discussion with your current partner about how to move forward. A closed poly group may want to bring a new person in, but it requires everyone involved to approve, and the answer could be no. What if strong feelings have already developed? You have to be honest about staying involved with this new person, if you do, or you’d be cheating. There are many ways to ‘cheat’ if you’re polyamorous depending on how your relationships are set up. The rewards polyamory offers are endless if you can handle so much nonconformity while remaining honest and true to your commitments. It requires a strong and open mind. The pre-set expectations of monogamy have their own complications, but you certainly won’t be alone when issues arise. Monogamy is cut and dry, which might be best for most people.
Whether you choose monogamy, polyamory, polygamy, or to stick it out on your own, it’s important to be supportive of everyone around you. If you can’t be supportive, be kind. No matter what relationship we’re in, it can be tough. Dating can be hell. Polygamy dating and poly dating are no different than monogamy in this sense. We all have to ride the emotional roller coaster and figure out the things that are best for us. If we help each other find those best things, and live honestly from square one, we can all avoid a lot of cheating and broken hearts. If your girl says she wants to be a sister wife, help her find a good family. If your boy says he’s bisexual, help him find a good bisexual poly couple. If your best friend says they are anything out of the ordinary, help them be the best at it. Don’t cheat any of the people you love out of their best lives.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Non-traditional things are often met with distrust, or even disdain. 

It’s natural to fear the unfamiliar. That fear helped humans evolve into the dominant species on planet Earth today. The term ‘fearless,’ in fact, refers to an impossible state of being. It’s not possible to be without fear. Instead, we find ways to manage our fears and to use fear to guide us to better decision making. Managing risks, and considering if possible benefits are worth a risk, is part of the journey into adulting like a pro. The twist is, when we become so comfortable that we stop taking any risks, life tends to slip out from under us anyway. It’s important to stay fresh and keep on moving. The same applies to our relationships. We owe it to the people we love to not let life stagnate. 

Polyamory is not the only answer to avoid stagnation, but more people should consider the benefits.

Maybe your first thought is that if your relationship is fine, why would you change anything? Think about a car or a computer. You can wait for a problem to reveal itself, or you can be proactive to avoid issues. 

Having an issue with your car doesn’t mean you’ve done anything ‘wrong’ 

at all, but it does mean you weren’t proactive in order to avoid issues. 

Hopefully the issue is small, but something catastrophic can result from general neglect. Same with a computer. Once a virus has taken over your system it can result in years of recovery from a stolen identity, or worse. These things, like relationships, require attention. They have to be nurtured. When working with another human on anything, you have to expect them to change over time. Being open to your relationship itself changing can help avoid the type of rigidity that refuses to bend, then eventually breaks.

Define Sister Wives

Being married, or in any long term relationship, should not mean that a woman’s desire to be a sister wife, or a man's desire to explore finding a sister wife or polyamorous wife, is an insane option to grow more together. Polygamy dating is just dating and requires no commitments. A long term couple can safely explore the lifestyle without damaging their existing relationship as long as communication is excellent, minds and hearts are open, and intents are in the right place. This is not practice or prepping for a separation. It’s embracing your love on a deeper level and exercising the trust you share to see if growing your relationship this way could work for you. The discomfort you may feel as you start dipping your toes into the polygamy dating pool is nothing but societal pressure to ‘stay within the lines.’ If those lines are thwarting your growth or happiness it’s best to jump right over them! Two people that love each other can make the transition into a poly lifestyle without falling apart. Lean on each other.

Polyamorous Wife

Terms like ‘sister wife’ and ‘polygamy’ can seem especially hard to swallow, so it’s important to remember they are only two of many terms that refer to options in the world of polyamory. The whole idea of polyamory is that your love life should suit you and the ones you love, not what others believe is right for you. If ‘polygamy dating’ is not your jam, you can easily trade the term for general ‘polyamorous dating.’ You also are not required to define yourself by terms like gay, lesbian, queer, or anything that doesn’t suit you even if you’re involved, in some way, with someone of the same sex within your polyamorous relationship. Two men dating the same woman doesn’t mean the men are even bisexual, even if they all enjoy sex together. You define you. Polyamory allows for this freedom to find and define your real self. Sexual relationships aren’t even required for a loving group of people to form a poly family of their own. It’s important to remove sex as such an important factor in forming legitimate, loving, lifelong relationships.

Taking control of your life and relationships leads to living more honestly. Having three husbands or wives, or boyfriends or girlfriends, is just as healthy (if not more) as living in a monogamous arrangement. 

The key is that everyone involved is encouraging everyone to live authentically. Authenticity paired with plenty of love and support results in lives that feel more complete and full of purpose. If you have the maturity to allow each of your lovers to live and love in ways that are right for them, you can find success in polyamory. If relationships work better as a form of control for you, polyamory would be a tough path.

Ultimately, we should all follow the paths that suit our beliefs, feelings, desires, and capabilities. Polyamory is not right for everyone just the same as monogamy is not the golden answer to happy relationships. No matter what a relationship should look like to you, don’t be a person that judges relationships that would never work for you. This works both ways as there are too many polyamorous people that will claim monogamy is a terrible, unnatural, way to live. The truth is, there is little natural about human life at this point. We have the gift to make choices and pursue our individual joy. If polyamory is workable for you, consider it a blessing. If monogamy is best for you, consider yourself blessed. Knowing yourself and pursuing your unique happiness while supporting others trying to do the same is the only way to be truly happy. It’s even in the Bible. “Judge not...”

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

No relationship will ever be without a struggle from time to time. 

Friendships and family relationships get tested over time just like our 

intimate relationships or marriages. No two people are able to love 

every single thing about each other. Tolerance and forbearance are often 

key. Once you start going after every little thing that annoys you or 

are constantly picking a loved one apart, the relationship is at a high 

risk of failure. You see this all the time. Some of what you thought 

were the best relationships end up at each other's throats even in the 

public eye. Maintaining long term partnerships takes a lot of patience 

and work. What if you discovered a source of new energy, new 

perspectives, and fresh adventures you and your partner could share? 

What if the answer to your stagnation and frustrations is simply 

expanding your relationship? Polyamory could be the answer to your 


Before completely dismissing this idea as preposterous, let's cover a 

few things. How many relationships are ruined, or at least are 

permanently damaged, by cheating? One of the main causes of cheating is 

an inability to be honest about attractions and desires that are outside 

the bounds of the general standards of monogamy. Even if a couple never 

acts on any poly persuasions, simply opening up this channel of honesty 

can bring two people closer together. Why keep an entire part of 

yourself closed off from a person you love so deeply? By the way, 

polyamorous relationships also don't have to be sexual at all. There are 

many ways to express love and intimacy that don’t involve sexual 

activity. Adopting a polyamorous lifestyle offers a life in which you 

and your partner actually end up with more control over the destiny of 

your relationship. You set the rules, you define the boundaries, and you 

decide what’s best for the expression of love in your life and 


Imagine you’re a woman that’s married to a wonderful husband, but you 

notice his wandering eye occasionally and you think it’s cute. You don’t 

feel threatened by it. He, however, may fight to hide the fact he ever 

looks at another woman because he’s terrified of hurting you, or even 

making you feel insecure. There are a couple ways this can turn out. One 

is to continue ignoring the reality that your husband finds other women 

attractive and keep a sort of wedge between the two of you. Another is 

to tell him it’s not a problem and you’re happy he has a healthy sexual 

appetite. This could even create an entire new way for the two of you to 

bond sexually. Maybe you’ve even thought of becoming a sister wife 

already, and you’re excited he has a sexual interest in other women. 

Finding a sister wife together and expanding your family could be the 

perfect solution for a man with a high sex drive, or a woman that would 

simply enjoy bonding with another woman over a shared husband. It’s 

important to be open minded and support the dreams of the people you 

love even if it means experimenting with a little polygamy dating and 

exploration. This also should work both ways. If your wife has a strong 

interest in other men (or women) you should keep an open mind and be 

open to growing your family instead of forcing anyone to quell their 

healthy natural desires.

It’s very easy to insist on sticking with the status quo. Trying 

something daring and new can be too scary, too risky, and the fear of 

judgment is a massive deterrent. The world of polyamory is often viewed 

negatively by people that have worked so hard on their monogamous 

relationships. None of this means you need to limit your love or 

experience to please the world around you. If two people truly love each 

other they should be able to explore anything together. Allowing for 

exploration will bring two people closer together, and in ways they 

likely never imagined. Sexuality is complex. If your husband or wife, or 

partner, express an interest in someone of the same sex it doesn’t mean 

it ever has to happen, but it does mean you should help them explore 

those feelings. It’s important to bring up homosexuality because, unless 

your idea is to explore other people separately, one of you will likely 

encounter a homosexual experience, homo-adjacent at least. You need to 

be prepared for it. Watch some videos, maybe, and decide your limits. 

Exploring polyamory and sexuality with your partner does not mean you 

have to perform, or receive, unwanted sexual behavior. It’s not about 

making yourself feel violated, it’s about helping your lover find their 

full potential.

Too many relationships spend too much time putting on the public 

performance expected of them and growing old while resentment and 

desperation set in so deep they can’t escape it. It doesn’t mean the 

love isn’t there, but the love has become an afterthought to the 

excessive sacrifice they’ve unnecessarily forced on each other. As wild 

as becoming a polygamous family, or inviting more lovers into your home, 

may sound it may be the perfect way to break out of the emotional prison 

monogamy can become. Your polyamorous experience with the love of your 

life can be as extreme or light as will work for your situation. As 

mentioned before, sex is not a requirement in order to have a 

polyamorous relationship. Any intimate relationship that involves more 

than your average friendly time spent, and deeper commitments, can be 

considered a polyamorous bond. People really shouldn’t be so afraid of 

the poly label. Having more than one person with which to share intimacy 

in your life can sometimes be the glue that holds everyone in your 

relationships together. The level of sexuality preferred among a 

polyamorous group or polygamous family should be determined by a fair 

assessment of the comfort levels of everyone involved. This can, and 

should, evolve over time.

Truth be told, most adults are involved in a polyamorous relationship at 

some point in life even if they’ve never pursued a poly or polygamous 

date. It’s impossible for humans to avoid strong emotional connections 

with other humans at different points and places in their lives. The 

expression of those connections are often boxed with just being a good 

friend, but sometimes the bonds are even stronger than those of a 

husband and wife. We limit ourselves, and our loved ones, through our 

desperation to define and label everything too much. Part of opening up 

to poly relationships is realizing you can’t stop an emotional bond that 

is meant to be. It’s better to work with it and let life evolve in 

constructive and positive ways. We should be helping our loved ones grow 

and encouraging them to maintain a healthy sexual and emotional life. 

Find the boundaries you can handle, open your heart and mind, and let 

life flow through you and your loved ones without desperately grasping 

at the guise of control. In letting go we can find true love, and an 

ability to share it with no bounds.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

If there is anything some people like more than getting into your business, it’s nosing around in your sex life. These people typically don’t have much of a sex life of their own, so they get their kicks by blowing yours up. They might even like you, and be a ‘friend,’ but cannot help themselves when it comes to juicy gossip. Being sexually exposed can be traumatic and can cause a lot of damage. Any invasion of privacy is going to harm your trust in people and possibly damage your reputation. Polyamorous and polygamous people are especially vulnerable to harmful attacks lodged by people that are either jealous of you, or hold negative views of your personal life choices. It’s easy to say people should just be confident in their sexuality and not worry about what people might say or think, but the reality is the stress of keeping your privacy private can be overwhelming. Here are some ideas about refusing to be shamed, fully embracing your sex life, and handling meddlers that have set out to hurt you.

First off, even if you’re a ten out of ten on the kink scale, you deserve sexual autonomy and privacy. If your behaviors are responsible and sexual desires carried out in healthy ways there is nothing you need to work on except for new ways to explore. Most people are probably not even very kinky, or maybe have tried a few things once or twice they’d rather keep private. Anyone that nefariously reveals your private sex life is 100 percent in the wrong. Sometimes you can approach especially egregious oustings legally. Don’t for one second believe you’ve done anything wrong. If someone’s goal is to shame you, you have to reject any feeling of shame and handle the situation appropriately. Avoid revenge, but don’t sit quietly and allow people to beat you down emotionally.

When a woman wants to become a sister wife she can face extremely judgmental attitudes. Some people will say that any man that is looking for a sister wife is a sexual predator. We all know this is not true. 

Even the people making these claims know deep down they’ve considered some version of a poly lifestyle at some point in their life. It’s natural. If they never thought about it, it wouldn’t be on their radar to consider harassing people that are polyamorous in any way. Jealousy pushes people into terrible, and sometimes dangerous, mental spaces. 

Your polygamy dating life and your polygamous family are your business, and your business alone. You are not required to share one damn thing about how your sex life works. If you do share in an effort to help someone build an understanding and they turn up their nose, simply walk away. They don’t deserve your time or energy. You have to be a little tough when you choose your own path in life. Following pre-set formulas for love and life is for weaker people.

Taking polygamy a step further, even among the whole poly community some have a tendency to define whatever polyamorous lifestyle they have chosen for themselves and hold others to their personal standards. This is as bad as rejecting polyamory or polygamy in general. A polygamous family can include as many of either gender and/or sexual persuasions as will work for their individual family. There is absolutely no rule about what your poly or polygamous family needs to look like. Without refusing to support more ‘traditional’ polygamous families, you can make it clear their judgments about your unique family are not welcome. If you have a couple sister wives that enjoy sexual intimacy together, or two men in the family that enjoy each other sexually, you are absolutely still a polygamous family and can reject any opposition to this fact. Some extremely traditional polygamists only allow the one husband to sleep with one wife at a time. If that is your thing, go for it, but don’t look down on polygamists that enjoy all of their partners sexually at the same time. Don’t judge fellow polyamorous people any more than you want your family or lovers to be judged.

Moving on from polygamy and more into general polyamory, one has to remember the need to be open to each individuals interpretation of what love and sexuality mean to them. There is a difference between disagreeing and being judgmental. Many polyamorous people think that fully ‘open’ relationships don’t meet the criteria of being polyamorous. 

‘It’s just sleeping around.’ However, it’s entirely possible for two people to love each other just the same as a sexually committed pair and allow for free sexual exploration. Your discomfort with the idea doesn’t disqualify its validity. Many gay people find hetero sex uncomfortable to think about, and vice versa. It doesn’t mean that hetero or homo sex are either gross or invalid forms of emotional connection. Being an adult is knowing when you need to keep something to yourself, because expressing it will only cause harm, even if that’s not what you intend. 

The same can be said for answering sexual inquiries. Know your audience, know their opinions change nothing about you, and know how to reject antagonism. We’re all adults in these conversations and the power to put a hateful person in their place is always encouraged when needed.

We’ll never know why some people just have to harass others, or why this behavior never seems to go away. There is no shame in cutting people out of your life if they are hindering your progress or desires. If you know being a sister wife is right for you, don’t keep people around that will make you feel uncertain about the life you want. If you love two or more people emotionally and sexually, don’t let anyone encourage you to think your yearnings are somehow immoral. Morality is in your hands. Morality is living and loving honestly, and not harming others for living and loving honestly. Sex can be as public or private as you choose to make it. Your sexuality belongs to you and the people you choose to share it with. Handle attempts of shaming as no different than a young kid acting out for attention. Ultimately, anyone trying to steal your joy is lacking their own, and you don’t owe them anything.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

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