Chris's article

The phrase ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ can apply to many situations in life as a positive reinforcement. It promotes the idea that we are all capable of far more than we can imagine if we are willing to dive in and make it work. It’s true! We’ll encounter many times in life that will require us to figure things out as we go. Without this approach, human and personal progress would be severely handicapped. As we gather knowledge and experience in any field, we slowly become an expert. The early days of any new chapter in our lives are fraught with uncertainty, and in most circumstances it is absolutely necessary to ride it out until you find your flow. There are some things, however, we should never pretend. Relationships are difficult enough without the threat of a potential partner not really being into you the way you thought they were. Imagine dating someone under the guise of polyamory when either one of you knows, deep down, that polyamory isn’t right for you.

There can be times you fake joy with your lovers so they can enjoy themselves when you’re not feeling great, or have a lot on your plate. 

We don’t have to share every bit of stress with each other all the time. 

There should never be a time, though, where you need to fake a core aspect of your relationship. This is a fairly big issue with the recent rise in the popularity of plural relationships. There are many people approaching polyamory, or polygamy, as a fun new way to make intimate friends, but with no intention of any level of commitment. If they’re honest about this from the start, it’s less of a problem, but it’s not true polyamory or polygamy. Temporary plural relationships based on a little fun need to remain labeled as ‘friends with benefits’ 

arrangements. It’s important to define these things, and intentions, to keep people you will likely end up caring about, at some level, from getting hurt.

Take a scenario like this into consideration when thinking of the importance of transparency while dating or meeting potential dates. A woman on a polygamy dating website may find the idea of being a sister wife very arousing, yet could be incapable of actually diving in with a polygamous family. Same for a man, or couple, looking for a sister wife

They might meet someone that is off the charts amazing, yet find polygamy is not right for them. This is where a fine line between ‘faking’ and ‘exploring’ presents itself. If polygamy is not right for you faking it will lead to dishonesty, and eventually a painful situation. It’s never okay to fake it with people that are becoming emotionally attached to you. It is, however, okay to be clear that you are exploring this option with potential partners. There is nothing wrong with wanting to become a sister wife and still having doubts. 

There is nothing unnatural about feeling some reluctance. It’s important to put on your big girl, or big boy, pants and be clear about where you stand on the concept of polygamy and if it’s right for you. Never fake it!

To expand on types of plural relationships it’s important to discuss hetero and homosexuality. If you are homosexual and have all homosexual partners this may not apply to you, but partnerships that involve hetero, bi, and homosexual combinations get a little more complicated. 

There are many polyamorous relationships that involve one guy and multiple women, or vice versa. These relationships can remain fully heterosexual, but generally a situation will arise where differing levels of intimacy will need to be discussed. This is also an area where nobody should fake their capacity to engage in sexual intimacy that makes them uncomfortable. If you’re a heterosexual guy and your two girlfriends bring home another guy they’re interested in, it doesn’t mean you now have to be sexually involved with this guy. Be clear about your feelings and never feel pressured to fake that you’re comfortable with sex that feels like a violation to you. Polyamory is about sharing love, not just making love. You and this new guy can become great friends and have your own ways to express your love for each other without pushing boundaries that might create a wall between you. All of this applies to women that are not interested in sexual intimacy with other women as well, of course.

Polyamory is a general term that presents a wide range of options for relationships. It cuts away the limiting nature of monogamy and allows people to take more control of their love and life. Part of not faking polyamory is simply avoiding the labels others may try and place on you and your relationships. Two or three people that love each other, even in a completely non-sexual way, can spend their lives together, be married (two anyway), share a home, raise kids, or many things the world may not understand from the outside. The world’s inability to comprehend your relationship doesn't equate to a need to define your relationship in ways that don’t respect it’s true nature. The two guys in the relationship in the previous paragraph are not required to label themselves as boyfriends just because they share the same two girlfriends. There is not one moment you need to fake anything about your true self and intentions because the world demands you get in a box for their comfort.

There are certain times it’s okay to be ‘fake’ about the polyamorous or polygamous world. Your safety is more important than being 100% yourself all the time. If you are a woman under threat for wanting to be a sister wife, or a family in danger for seeking a sister wife, there is no shame in denying it to the people threatening to harm you. Polygamy dating can be difficult enough without the danger of haters coming at you. 

Polyamourous people in general owe nobody any explanations about their love life and choices, except for the people it directly affects. Tell any threatening people what they need to hear in order to protect you and your loved ones, and report any of them that continue posing a threat. There is never shame in ensuring your safety.

In the end, it’s next to impossible to fake polyamory. Somewhere along the way your true nature and intentions will present themselves. You might make it for years, and it may even be a lot of fun, but if it’s not natural for you it will come to an end. The way to avoid faking it is to have a commitment to full disclosure and honesty with every potential partner you meet. Even if that means a few more ‘friends with benefits’ along the way, at least you both know where you stand in those situations. Also, don’t buy into the limits many in the poly world may even try and impress upon you. Your relationships, poly or not, ultimately belong to you and your partner/s. It’s up to you to keep them honest and full of whatever love you all need.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

It’s something many have said when a polyamorous group enters the room. 

How can they have three boyfriends, or girlfriends, and I can’t even seem to find ONE?! It’s frustrating to see other people in love when you’re feeling lonely. If you want a polyamorous relationship this feeling must be even more overwhelming, like it’s never going to happen for you. Keep in mind that when you want something desperately it’s normal at times to feel like it will never happen. When it does happen, it’s easy to become complacent and lose touch with the people that are now in the shoes you once were in. It’s very important for single people and attached people not to lose touch with each other. People in relationships need their single friends sometimes, and vice versa. 

Polyamory should create an atmosphere of openness that makes this easier. So, how do you face feeling eternally single when you are polyamorous at heart? How do you show a single friend proper support when their poly dreams seem to be out of reach?

To start, relationships should never be the biggest defining factor of who you are. They probably will be a very notable factor, especially if you’re polyamorous, but to be defined by your relationship above all else discounts too many parts of the individual you are. In order to find the relationships that are right for you, polyamorous or not, you need to have a strong sense of who you are first. What are your interests? What hobbies do you enjoy? How do you enjoy spending your free time? Developing these things will put you in contact with people that share the same interests and values. If you feel you can’t enjoy anything until you have a companion, which is far too common, you need to force yourself out of such a needy state of being. It’s true, you can often find someone that is also desperate and needy, but is that really what you want? It’s much better to find companions with goals and common interests. If being happy isn’t a priority then go ahead and take the desperate lumps. I say I’d rather be single! Even if polyamory is your ultimate goal, you can’t measure your success in life according to it.

Imagine being a young couple that would like to have a polygamous family. Now imagine that over the years there are a few happy children, a nice home, lots of laughter and joy, but never a sister wife. Through years of searching for a woman that would be a good sister wife and poring over polygamy dating sites, nobody seemed to fit your existing family. The husband’s dream of watching his sister wives grow close as he grows with them slowly fades over the years and his wife accepts that it’s just going to be her. There is a hint of disappointment in a dream never fulfilled here, but it should never overshadow everything this beautiful family accomplished. Good kids and a solid home are far more important for a family than dreams that just never worked out. Also, who’s to say the perfect sister wife won’t come later in life? You don’t have to let go of a dream in order to cope with it never coming true. 

Embracing what you already have, while remaining open to more, without losing yourself in a desperate search is the only way to be happy.

Speaking of happy, and this bit might be a little crass, but, many people that seem simply ecstatic in their relationships are severely depressed. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about monogamy, polyamory, being a sister wife, or any poly dating situation. You can’t jump into relationships that aren’t the right fit out of desperation to fulfill a fantasy. Fantasies are fine for a one night stand or summer fling, but relationships require a realistic approach to the possibility of tying lives together. Polyamory does offer a wide range of possibilities and commitment levels, but one shouldn’t be getting involved with a group just for the experience. Real feelings are at stake, and hurting other people’s feelings results in painful regret you’ll have to carry the rest of your life. If you’re only looking for a little fun, say it, don’t leave it for others to figure out. Polygamy is a bit less broad as it refers to marriage-like commitment among a group, yet they still experience the occasional ‘poly tourist’ that plays with their hearts. Polyamorous relationships should absolutely be fun, but they should also be taken seriously. Part of the reason poly dating isn’t working for you could be that it isn’t right for you.

While polyamory and polygamy are growing in acceptance and popularity, it doesn’t mean they’re right for everyone that wants to try them. Only about 5 to 10% of the general population is gay anywhere you go. While it’s widely accepted and more people may be experimenting these days, it doesn’t mean heterosexual people should all be dating among the same sex now. That’s absurd! Polyamory is less biologically limited, but societal norms still mostly produce monogamous people. If your motivation to experiment with polyamory stems from a negative experience or purely rebellious source, you should expect your relationships (if any) to not go well. As mentioned earlier in this article, you need to know yourself and start from a healthy place personally if you want to find fulfilling relationships. Nothing feels so out of reach when you’re well in touch with yourself.

It’s easy to feel left out when you see others that have something you want or need. At the times you feel this way it’s important to turn inward and find everything you need inside yourself rather than seeking it from other people. You have to remember that people have a public face and a real face you may never see. The ultimate goal is to be happy and have some sense of purpose. No relationship can give all of this to you. It can help, but you need a healthy relationship or it won’t be any help at all. This is accomplished by building a strong relationship with yourself first. Polyamory is never out of reach if it’s right for you. 

You have to open the right doors first. One of those doors leads to letting go of the ‘need’ for anything while embracing everything you already have. It’s when you feel complete that other complete people will be drawn to you. Those are the ones that can take you to the next level. Don’t forget to keep it lighthearted along the way, and to support the people around you on their personal journeys as well.

Published By: Christopher Alesich & Robyn Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Issues surrounding equality have been flooding the news cycle lately. 

Racial and gender inequality have been massive problems for as long as anyone alive today can remember, and then some. The tendency of humans to use their perceived position of power to keep others ‘beneath’ them is a mortal wound we cannot seem to heal. We cry, we fight, we teach, and strive, yet racism and sexism pervade right in our faces, and in some of the most secretive aspects of society. Could polyamory be a tool for a better future? Not only does polyamory encourage more people to love each other in deeper ways, it can provide the answer to a history wrought with the evils of selfish and self serving perspectives on life. 

Polyamory can provide a more promising future and the world needs to be ready for it.

Studies have shown that dating apps have done more to integrate society in modern times than almost any past efforts. When we’re in dating mode we leave ourselves open to experiencing people, and their personal cultures, on a far deeper level than only a few conversations with someone we see mostly in passing. We go out more, we meet more people, and we aren’t tied down to a person that is very likely to require most of your free time. Let’s face it, monogamous people end up taking up most of each other’s time. Not always, but often. The dating phase is a time of growth, expanding awareness, and exposure. Monogamous marriage typically starts a process of avoiding exposure, and of heavily managed growth. Polyamory flips this concept on its head. Many polyamorous people, or relationships, can spend their lives in something closer to the dating phase. Maybe this sounds terrible to some people, but the dating world for people that already have a relationship is nowhere near as lonely as it can be for a single person. On top of that, you’ll be meeting people from different backgrounds, religions, and cultures all the time. The more you’re exposed to people different from yourself, the better able to embrace diversity you become.

Increasing diversity is unavoidable as the world moves into a more connected future. Many of the darker parts of many cultures will be revealed as our exposure to one another continues to expand. One blight on too many parts of the world is a terribly patriarchal control factor that attempts to keep women in what is perceived to be ‘their place.’ 

Polyamorous relationships can address this issue as well, as long as they avoid any patriarchal form that seeks to strip women of free will. 

If a group of people decide to love each other, and form an intimate relationship, sexuality and any form of control falls into question. The polyamorous community can work to ensure that women around the world have a choice in matters of the man, men, woman, or women they choose to love. Society has made great progress recently in smoking out men that force women into unwanted marriages, or use religion to claim authority over women and girls in their community. As polyamory grows and becomes a societal norm, the ability to call out the bad apples and maintain a safe world for all polyamorous people increases.

Keep in mind, there are many good polygamous families in this world. No part of supporting polyamory should include an intent to remove options from people. There is nothing wrong if a woman wants to become a sister wife and live in a traditional polygamous setting. There is nothing wrong with a man that wishes to seek out sister wives to grow a family to lead. Polygamy dating is just as valid and good as poly dating of any kind, as long as everyone is involved by choice. The key word in any dating situation is ‘choice.’ This is where polyamory excels in encouraging more equality around the world. Ensuring that everyone has a choice in their relationship and lifestyle is a huge step toward breaking down the patriarchal stronghold that poisons so much in our world. Some claim that breaking down a man’s control over his family (and the world) won’t encourage equality, rather it will shift control elsewhere. Not true! It’s scary to let go of some control, but it has to happen in order for society to find more balance. Polyamory empowers everyone involved to find balance. It also gives the added benefit of more than just two perspectives to influence and encourage a healthy equilibrium.

There is a lot of anger floating around this year. 2020 is a year we will never forget. People are at each other's throats over racial injustice, political differences, pandemic stress, and who knows what else is to come this year. Polyamorous and polygamous people may actually be forced to step outside of the dating world for a while in order to stay safe. If you’re blessed to already have one or more people in your life, take this time to grow a deeper relationship and consider the things you can do to encourage a more equitable world moving forward. Plural marriages and relationships often have the benefit of more resources, and more hands on deck, to accomplish great things. 

Think about how fortunate you are and how to share your fortune with others. Consider all the ways polyamory can help bring the world together. If the power of poly love is properly harnessed and spread throughout the world, equality won’t seem like such an impossible thing to achieve.

Published By: Christopher Alesich & Robyn Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Sometimes life throws too much to handle your way. Things start piling up and it feels like you’re in a deadlock. It can happen at work, with life, love, or even with basic chores around the house. There are times in life where a fresh start is the only way to get the ball rolling again. Needing to clear your queue doesn’t mean you’re lazy or inept, it means you’re human. Splurging $60 for a cleaner to get your house up to par or hiring someone for a day to help you catch up at work are easy answers for the overwhelmed, but what about everything that can stack up between you and the people you love? How do polyamorous groups or families hit reset? Does polygamy allow for individuals to get the fresh start they may need? What does starting over look like for people in plural relationships?

To deny the need for an occasional fresh start no matter the nature of the relationship you’re in is to deny living in reality. It’s not healthy. We all eventually have to learn that taking time for ourselves is not a selfish act. The only way we can be there for others 100%, in any situation, is if we are wholly there for ourselves first. Think of a car that has bad tires, or is low on vital fluids. It may get passengers where they need to be, but the ride will be precarious and could result in disaster at any moment. Humans have needs, just like a machine. If those needs are not met, our ability to perform will be at risk. 

Polyamorous people enjoy multiple partners to lean on, but it comes at the expense of each one of them needing to rely on you as well. There needs to be an understanding that sometimes one of your group might need some space, and needing space doesn’t mean you’re pushing your lovers away. A ‘fresh start’ doesn’t have to mean a new lover, it can mean taking time to let some of the baggage and negative emotions that can build over time clear your system, or to embrace everything you love about your partners again. Time to maybe miss them a little.

The same is true for a polygamist family. While all of the sister wives may have relationships that are not necessarily ‘intimate’ in nature, they remain part of the same family that will face many dramas together. 

If the husband is looking for a new sister wife the existing sister wives can feel uneasy and the bond they build through the process is powerful. In this case, the ‘fresh start’ is finding a woman to become a new sister wife, and it’s important that the existing family be prepared to support each other in this new beginning. Polygamy dating can take years and is not always successful. Prioritizing the family you already have is vital to introducing a new element of any sort. Everyone needs to be on board. Everyone in the family shouldn’t feel the need for time to themselves because too much energy is focused on growing the family instead of nurturing it as it is.

Polyamorous groups or families will always have to struggle with the plural nature of their relationships at times. How do they know the right times to grow their circle? If it’s already a big circle, how do so many people remain intimate enough to call each other lovers? If one or more lovers are always needing time to themselves for a fresh start, how can you call it your family at all? The fact is, even if one or two of your lovers are needing some space at any given time, the relevance of your relationships relies only on your decision to keep loving and caring for each other. If everyone involved decides to keep it going, nobody on the outside can define the relationship for you. Maybe it’s healthier when you’re able to take time for yourself and know you aren’t leaving someone you love completely alone. Polyamory can be so incredibly healthy when approached in proper, loving, ways. On the flip side, polyamory can be terribly difficult and hurtful when handled with selfish intentions. Even when you need a fresh start and time to yourself, the love you share with your partners can never take a back seat.

What if your fresh start means a new relationship outside and away from your poly lovers altogether? Maybe you’ve decided to experiment with monogamy? It’s no different than when a monogamous couple decides to explore polyamory or polygamy. It won’t be a fresh start without full disclosure and honesty. People, no matter how much we love them, will evolve, and can grow apart from us. To deny a person’s growth and changing needs ultimately betrays the love you should have for them. 

There is no shame or crime in trying to work with them to save an existing relationship, but never sell yourself short. A relationship, poly or monogamous, requires everyone involved to feel immersed in something that is right for them. It can’t be forced or you’ll be feeling the need for a fresh start constantly. You can’t fit a round peg in a square hole, and the more you try the more damage and frustration you’ll cause. In order to love someone, you have to be open to letting them go if they’re unhappy. If your love is strong, they may come crawling back, but decide how much space you can handle and stick to it. 

Another person’s need for space shouldn’t be your torture chamber. It’s about balance. Part of true love is figuring how much you’re willing to let go, and where you draw your lines. You can be open minded without being a pushover.

It’s funny how one person’s fresh start, or need for space, requires sacrifice from the people they love. Poly dating and relationships may sound too complicated for many people, but they are also incredibly rewarding. It would be better to never require the people you love to make sacrifices for you, but we all know that’s impossible. There are little things you can do on a regular basis that will keep you from feeling the need to get away. Make days to yourself a normal part of your routine. Also, make one on one time with each of your poly partners, or sister wives, a regular thing. That one on one time can be used to work through little issues before they snowball into something big, and the personal time is always healthy. Be forgiving, be loving, be smart, and never forget to take the time you need to refresh the love you have to share.

Published By: Christopher Alesich & Robyn Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Webster’s Dictionary defines fidelity as “the quality or state of being faithful.” It’s a powerful word as it can refer to faithfulness to many things, like faithful to a religion, a marriage, a person, or an idea. However, most people think of monogamy and marriage when they think of fidelity. In fact, infidelity is one of the biggest accusations polyamorous people face when confronted about their relationships that involve multiple partners. The idea that one can be faithful to many lovers is lost on people who insist there is only one acceptable version of a committed relationship. In some cases, they may be right. A total lack of commitment to poly ‘lovers’ doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t have a polyamorous relationship. Levels of commitment and faithfulness are free to be determined by the people involved in a poly relationship. So, is it possible to cheat if you’re polyamorous? How are the lines drawn that make poly relationships legitimate in the first place?

Let’s circle back to the concept stating that levels of commitment and faithfulness are free to be determined by the people involved in a poly relationship. This concept cannot apply to only polyamorous relationships, right? It has to be the same for monogamous relationships, right? Wrong! Being monogamous comes with a set of rules that does not allow for any kind of straying from your relationship or marriage. Honestly, even looking at another person, other than your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, with sexual desire is considered being unfaithful. This may sound harsh, but according to Christian standards of monogamy, it’s absolutely true. You should only have eyes for your monogamous partner. If you do not avoid sexual thoughts about others, you are dabbling in infidelity. Therefore, freedom to determine the nature of your relationship, in this sense, only applies to polyamorous people. This is why many monogamous people feel it’s impossible for a polyamorous person to be faithful. Here’s a hint though, they’re wrong.

To limit the definition of fidelity to only fit the concept you’ve chosen to follow simply doesn’t add up. You can have full faith and commitment to the idea of a family in a form that suits your desires. To assume that a perfectly happy ‘family’ isn’t legitimate because it doesn’t conform to your standards is pure arrogance. Polygamy has earned an unfortunate reputation because of patriarchal abuses throughout history, but it doesn’t make a polygamous family any less legitimate than any other family. Same for any poly group sharing a concept of family together. A woman that wants to be a sister wife, or a man that is looking for a sister wife to join his family, needs no approval from society to validate their family or desires. Polygamy dating is complicated enough without naysayers trying to interfere. To suggest a man is ‘cheating’ on his current wife by seeking a sister wife can only be valid if his wife is unaware, or does not approve. It’s nobody else’s business.

This brings us around to the point. Whatever is considered ‘cheating’ is only the business of people involved in a polyamorous relationship. For monogamous people, it’s cut and dry. They’ve chosen a pre-set path where all the rules of monogamy apply. Even if they say they don’t mind an occasionally straying husband or flirty wife, if they aren’t only having eyes for, and especially sex with, each other, they are being unfaithful. They’d be better off declaring they are polyamorous and allowing each other to explore without the boundaries of monogamy. It doesn’t mean they can’t be married to each other. It would only mean they refuse to stay married to the concept of monogamy. It also would mean they’d have the freedom to determine their own rules and start having a more honest conversation about themselves. Once polyamory is embraced your relationship can evolve into its’ unique form.

Cheating, as a polyamorous person, can be a complicated matter. It’s difficult to pin down because cheating would require someone failing to meet the expectations that have been set with each person they are involved with. If you have one partner and an open sex policy it’s fine to have a one night stand, but developing deeper feelings for another person requires discussion with your current partner about how to move forward. A closed poly group may want to bring a new person in, but it requires everyone involved to approve, and the answer could be no. What if strong feelings have already developed? You have to be honest about staying involved with this new person, if you do, or you’d be cheating. There are many ways to ‘cheat’ if you’re polyamorous depending on how your relationships are set up. The rewards polyamory offers are endless if you can handle so much nonconformity while remaining honest and true to your commitments. It requires a strong and open mind. The pre-set expectations of monogamy have their own complications, but you certainly won’t be alone when issues arise. Monogamy is cut and dry, which might be best for most people.

Whether you choose monogamy, polyamory, polygamy, or to stick it out on your own, it’s important to be supportive of everyone around you. If you can’t be supportive, be kind. No matter what relationship we’re in, it can be tough. Dating can be hell. Polygamy dating and poly dating are no different than monogamy in this sense. We all have to ride the emotional roller coaster and figure out the things that are best for us. If we help each other find those best things, and live honestly from square one, we can all avoid a lot of cheating and broken hearts. If your girl says she wants to be a sister wife, help her find a good family. If your boy says he’s bisexual, help him find a good bisexual poly couple. If your best friend says they are anything out of the ordinary, help them be the best at it. Don’t cheat any of the people you love out of their best lives.

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc

Non-traditional things are often met with distrust, or even disdain. 

It’s natural to fear the unfamiliar. That fear helped humans evolve into the dominant species on planet Earth today. The term ‘fearless,’ in fact, refers to an impossible state of being. It’s not possible to be without fear. Instead, we find ways to manage our fears and to use fear to guide us to better decision making. Managing risks, and considering if possible benefits are worth a risk, is part of the journey into adulting like a pro. The twist is, when we become so comfortable that we stop taking any risks, life tends to slip out from under us anyway. It’s important to stay fresh and keep on moving. The same applies to our relationships. We owe it to the people we love to not let life stagnate. 

Polyamory is not the only answer to avoid stagnation, but more people should consider the benefits.

Maybe your first thought is that if your relationship is fine, why would you change anything? Think about a car or a computer. You can wait for a problem to reveal itself, or you can be proactive to avoid issues. 

Having an issue with your car doesn’t mean you’ve done anything ‘wrong’ 

at all, but it does mean you weren’t proactive in order to avoid issues. 

Hopefully the issue is small, but something catastrophic can result from general neglect. Same with a computer. Once a virus has taken over your system it can result in years of recovery from a stolen identity, or worse. These things, like relationships, require attention. They have to be nurtured. When working with another human on anything, you have to expect them to change over time. Being open to your relationship itself changing can help avoid the type of rigidity that refuses to bend, then eventually breaks.

Define Sister Wives

Being married, or in any long term relationship, should not mean that a woman’s desire to be a sister wife, or a man's desire to explore finding a sister wife or polyamorous wife, is an insane option to grow more together. Polygamy dating is just dating and requires no commitments. A long term couple can safely explore the lifestyle without damaging their existing relationship as long as communication is excellent, minds and hearts are open, and intents are in the right place. This is not practice or prepping for a separation. It’s embracing your love on a deeper level and exercising the trust you share to see if growing your relationship this way could work for you. The discomfort you may feel as you start dipping your toes into the polygamy dating pool is nothing but societal pressure to ‘stay within the lines.’ If those lines are thwarting your growth or happiness it’s best to jump right over them! Two people that love each other can make the transition into a poly lifestyle without falling apart. Lean on each other.

Polyamorous Wife

Terms like ‘sister wife’ and ‘polygamy’ can seem especially hard to swallow, so it’s important to remember they are only two of many terms that refer to options in the world of polyamory. The whole idea of polyamory is that your love life should suit you and the ones you love, not what others believe is right for you. If ‘polygamy dating’ is not your jam, you can easily trade the term for general ‘polyamorous dating.’ You also are not required to define yourself by terms like gay, lesbian, queer, or anything that doesn’t suit you even if you’re involved, in some way, with someone of the same sex within your polyamorous relationship. Two men dating the same woman doesn’t mean the men are even bisexual, even if they all enjoy sex together. You define you. Polyamory allows for this freedom to find and define your real self. Sexual relationships aren’t even required for a loving group of people to form a poly family of their own. It’s important to remove sex as such an important factor in forming legitimate, loving, lifelong relationships.

Taking control of your life and relationships leads to living more honestly. Having three husbands or wives, or boyfriends or girlfriends, is just as healthy (if not more) as living in a monogamous arrangement. 

The key is that everyone involved is encouraging everyone to live authentically. Authenticity paired with plenty of love and support results in lives that feel more complete and full of purpose. If you have the maturity to allow each of your lovers to live and love in ways that are right for them, you can find success in polyamory. If relationships work better as a form of control for you, polyamory would be a tough path.

Ultimately, we should all follow the paths that suit our beliefs, feelings, desires, and capabilities. Polyamory is not right for everyone just the same as monogamy is not the golden answer to happy relationships. No matter what a relationship should look like to you, don’t be a person that judges relationships that would never work for you. This works both ways as there are too many polyamorous people that will claim monogamy is a terrible, unnatural, way to live. The truth is, there is little natural about human life at this point. We have the gift to make choices and pursue our individual joy. If polyamory is workable for you, consider it a blessing. If monogamy is best for you, consider yourself blessed. Knowing yourself and pursuing your unique happiness while supporting others trying to do the same is the only way to be truly happy. It’s even in the Bible. “Judge not...”

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

No relationship will ever be without a struggle from time to time. 

Friendships and family relationships get tested over time just like our 

intimate relationships or marriages. No two people are able to love 

every single thing about each other. Tolerance and forbearance are often 

key. Once you start going after every little thing that annoys you or 

are constantly picking a loved one apart, the relationship is at a high 

risk of failure. You see this all the time. Some of what you thought 

were the best relationships end up at each other's throats even in the 

public eye. Maintaining long term partnerships takes a lot of patience 

and work. What if you discovered a source of new energy, new 

perspectives, and fresh adventures you and your partner could share? 

What if the answer to your stagnation and frustrations is simply 

expanding your relationship? Polyamory could be the answer to your 


Before completely dismissing this idea as preposterous, let's cover a 

few things. How many relationships are ruined, or at least are 

permanently damaged, by cheating? One of the main causes of cheating is 

an inability to be honest about attractions and desires that are outside 

the bounds of the general standards of monogamy. Even if a couple never 

acts on any poly persuasions, simply opening up this channel of honesty 

can bring two people closer together. Why keep an entire part of 

yourself closed off from a person you love so deeply? By the way, 

polyamorous relationships also don't have to be sexual at all. There are 

many ways to express love and intimacy that don’t involve sexual 

activity. Adopting a polyamorous lifestyle offers a life in which you 

and your partner actually end up with more control over the destiny of 

your relationship. You set the rules, you define the boundaries, and you 

decide what’s best for the expression of love in your life and 


Imagine you’re a woman that’s married to a wonderful husband, but you 

notice his wandering eye occasionally and you think it’s cute. You don’t 

feel threatened by it. He, however, may fight to hide the fact he ever 

looks at another woman because he’s terrified of hurting you, or even 

making you feel insecure. There are a couple ways this can turn out. One 

is to continue ignoring the reality that your husband finds other women 

attractive and keep a sort of wedge between the two of you. Another is 

to tell him it’s not a problem and you’re happy he has a healthy sexual 

appetite. This could even create an entire new way for the two of you to 

bond sexually. Maybe you’ve even thought of becoming a sister wife 

already, and you’re excited he has a sexual interest in other women. 

Finding a sister wife together and expanding your family could be the 

perfect solution for a man with a high sex drive, or a woman that would 

simply enjoy bonding with another woman over a shared husband. It’s 

important to be open minded and support the dreams of the people you 

love even if it means experimenting with a little polygamy dating and 

exploration. This also should work both ways. If your wife has a strong 

interest in other men (or women) you should keep an open mind and be 

open to growing your family instead of forcing anyone to quell their 

healthy natural desires.

It’s very easy to insist on sticking with the status quo. Trying 

something daring and new can be too scary, too risky, and the fear of 

judgment is a massive deterrent. The world of polyamory is often viewed 

negatively by people that have worked so hard on their monogamous 

relationships. None of this means you need to limit your love or 

experience to please the world around you. If two people truly love each 

other they should be able to explore anything together. Allowing for 

exploration will bring two people closer together, and in ways they 

likely never imagined. Sexuality is complex. If your husband or wife, or 

partner, express an interest in someone of the same sex it doesn’t mean 

it ever has to happen, but it does mean you should help them explore 

those feelings. It’s important to bring up homosexuality because, unless 

your idea is to explore other people separately, one of you will likely 

encounter a homosexual experience, homo-adjacent at least. You need to 

be prepared for it. Watch some videos, maybe, and decide your limits. 

Exploring polyamory and sexuality with your partner does not mean you 

have to perform, or receive, unwanted sexual behavior. It’s not about 

making yourself feel violated, it’s about helping your lover find their 

full potential.

Too many relationships spend too much time putting on the public 

performance expected of them and growing old while resentment and 

desperation set in so deep they can’t escape it. It doesn’t mean the 

love isn’t there, but the love has become an afterthought to the 

excessive sacrifice they’ve unnecessarily forced on each other. As wild 

as becoming a polygamous family, or inviting more lovers into your home, 

may sound it may be the perfect way to break out of the emotional prison 

monogamy can become. Your polyamorous experience with the love of your 

life can be as extreme or light as will work for your situation. As 

mentioned before, sex is not a requirement in order to have a 

polyamorous relationship. Any intimate relationship that involves more 

than your average friendly time spent, and deeper commitments, can be 

considered a polyamorous bond. People really shouldn’t be so afraid of 

the poly label. Having more than one person with which to share intimacy 

in your life can sometimes be the glue that holds everyone in your 

relationships together. The level of sexuality preferred among a 

polyamorous group or polygamous family should be determined by a fair 

assessment of the comfort levels of everyone involved. This can, and 

should, evolve over time.

Truth be told, most adults are involved in a polyamorous relationship at 

some point in life even if they’ve never pursued a poly or polygamous 

date. It’s impossible for humans to avoid strong emotional connections 

with other humans at different points and places in their lives. The 

expression of those connections are often boxed with just being a good 

friend, but sometimes the bonds are even stronger than those of a 

husband and wife. We limit ourselves, and our loved ones, through our 

desperation to define and label everything too much. Part of opening up 

to poly relationships is realizing you can’t stop an emotional bond that 

is meant to be. It’s better to work with it and let life evolve in 

constructive and positive ways. We should be helping our loved ones grow 

and encouraging them to maintain a healthy sexual and emotional life. 

Find the boundaries you can handle, open your heart and mind, and let 

life flow through you and your loved ones without desperately grasping 

at the guise of control. In letting go we can find true love, and an 

ability to share it with no bounds.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

If there is anything some people like more than getting into your business, it’s nosing around in your sex life. These people typically don’t have much of a sex life of their own, so they get their kicks by blowing yours up. They might even like you, and be a ‘friend,’ but cannot help themselves when it comes to juicy gossip. Being sexually exposed can be traumatic and can cause a lot of damage. Any invasion of privacy is going to harm your trust in people and possibly damage your reputation. Polyamorous and polygamous people are especially vulnerable to harmful attacks lodged by people that are either jealous of you, or hold negative views of your personal life choices. It’s easy to say people should just be confident in their sexuality and not worry about what people might say or think, but the reality is the stress of keeping your privacy private can be overwhelming. Here are some ideas about refusing to be shamed, fully embracing your sex life, and handling meddlers that have set out to hurt you.

First off, even if you’re a ten out of ten on the kink scale, you deserve sexual autonomy and privacy. If your behaviors are responsible and sexual desires carried out in healthy ways there is nothing you need to work on except for new ways to explore. Most people are probably not even very kinky, or maybe have tried a few things once or twice they’d rather keep private. Anyone that nefariously reveals your private sex life is 100 percent in the wrong. Sometimes you can approach especially egregious oustings legally. Don’t for one second believe you’ve done anything wrong. If someone’s goal is to shame you, you have to reject any feeling of shame and handle the situation appropriately. Avoid revenge, but don’t sit quietly and allow people to beat you down emotionally.

When a woman wants to become a sister wife she can face extremely judgmental attitudes. Some people will say that any man that is looking for a sister wife is a sexual predator. We all know this is not true. 

Even the people making these claims know deep down they’ve considered some version of a poly lifestyle at some point in their life. It’s natural. If they never thought about it, it wouldn’t be on their radar to consider harassing people that are polyamorous in any way. Jealousy pushes people into terrible, and sometimes dangerous, mental spaces. 

Your polygamy dating life and your polygamous family are your business, and your business alone. You are not required to share one damn thing about how your sex life works. If you do share in an effort to help someone build an understanding and they turn up their nose, simply walk away. They don’t deserve your time or energy. You have to be a little tough when you choose your own path in life. Following pre-set formulas for love and life is for weaker people.

Taking polygamy a step further, even among the whole poly community some have a tendency to define whatever polyamorous lifestyle they have chosen for themselves and hold others to their personal standards. This is as bad as rejecting polyamory or polygamy in general. A polygamous family can include as many of either gender and/or sexual persuasions as will work for their individual family. There is absolutely no rule about what your poly or polygamous family needs to look like. Without refusing to support more ‘traditional’ polygamous families, you can make it clear their judgments about your unique family are not welcome. If you have a couple sister wives that enjoy sexual intimacy together, or two men in the family that enjoy each other sexually, you are absolutely still a polygamous family and can reject any opposition to this fact. Some extremely traditional polygamists only allow the one husband to sleep with one wife at a time. If that is your thing, go for it, but don’t look down on polygamists that enjoy all of their partners sexually at the same time. Don’t judge fellow polyamorous people any more than you want your family or lovers to be judged.

Moving on from polygamy and more into general polyamory, one has to remember the need to be open to each individuals interpretation of what love and sexuality mean to them. There is a difference between disagreeing and being judgmental. Many polyamorous people think that fully ‘open’ relationships don’t meet the criteria of being polyamorous. 

‘It’s just sleeping around.’ However, it’s entirely possible for two people to love each other just the same as a sexually committed pair and allow for free sexual exploration. Your discomfort with the idea doesn’t disqualify its validity. Many gay people find hetero sex uncomfortable to think about, and vice versa. It doesn’t mean that hetero or homo sex are either gross or invalid forms of emotional connection. Being an adult is knowing when you need to keep something to yourself, because expressing it will only cause harm, even if that’s not what you intend. 

The same can be said for answering sexual inquiries. Know your audience, know their opinions change nothing about you, and know how to reject antagonism. We’re all adults in these conversations and the power to put a hateful person in their place is always encouraged when needed.

We’ll never know why some people just have to harass others, or why this behavior never seems to go away. There is no shame in cutting people out of your life if they are hindering your progress or desires. If you know being a sister wife is right for you, don’t keep people around that will make you feel uncertain about the life you want. If you love two or more people emotionally and sexually, don’t let anyone encourage you to think your yearnings are somehow immoral. Morality is in your hands. Morality is living and loving honestly, and not harming others for living and loving honestly. Sex can be as public or private as you choose to make it. Your sexuality belongs to you and the people you choose to share it with. Handle attempts of shaming as no different than a young kid acting out for attention. Ultimately, anyone trying to steal your joy is lacking their own, and you don’t owe them anything.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

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