Chris's article

Being a Secondary Partner in Polyamory

Being a secondary partner in polyamory might seem challenging, but it should not be so. After all, with time, you might become a primary partner, and you still have rights as a secondary! At the same time, it is natural that your partner won’t pay you as much attention as their primary, and you need to find ways to cope with that. In this article, we look at it more closely. We invite you to read on.

How to Navigate Polyamory as a Non-Primary Partner?

Let’s start with you. What should you know about being a secondary partner and how to approach your relationships? Here are some of our tips.

1. Try Avoiding Having Expectations

As a secondary partner in polyamory, you might never become a primary, and that’s completely fine. The problem here is that as a relationship grows, expectations do, too… but there’s a limit to commitment when it comes to being a non-primary partner.

We don’t mean that you should have no expectations at all, but be realistic about them and don’t set them too high. Think about the attachment styles in poly relationships; consider which style you represent and how it matches yours as a secondary partner. Perhaps being non-primary is not at all for you, or you’ll have to adjust your expectations to be one.

2. Embrace Compersion

Compersion in polyamory refers to the feeling of happiness for your partner when they engage in other relationships. It is crucial when you are a secondary partner, as it is the opposite of jealousy, which could make your relationship unbearable.

That’s why you should try to understand your emotions, reason through them, and work on your empathy. This way, you will no longer feel jealous (which, by the way, is a natural emotion!) and instead feel happy for your partner.

3. Don’t Ignore Your Needs

The fact that you are a secondary partner in polyamory does not mean that you are a secondary human being in life. Your needs are also important; you should meet them in your relationship. Naturally, you won’t be as intimate with your partner as they are with their primary, but it does not mean that you (or them) should be ignorant of your feelings and desires.

Polyamory and Being a Secondary Partner: Beware of the Risks

There are some risks when it comes to being a secondary partner. Sometimes, nobody in the whole network is even aware of them. What should you watch out for?

For instance, you might be a secondary partner without even realizing it. In many poly relationships, people are simply unaware of different types of hierarchy, you feel like (and be) a secondary partner without the others realizing it; at such times, it is crucial to make others aware of the issue and work together on solving it: whether the solution is you being a secondary or leveling the playing field.

Another risk may be involved with the level of commitment and boundaries between your partner and their primary. For instance, your partner’s primary partner does not want other partners in their house (and this is a healthy polyamory boundary)... but they live together. This means that you will spend significantly less time with your partner. Don’t let it depress you, but also don’t let it make you fight for each minute with them. Instead, talk this through and try to find a solution.

Ready to Embrace Your Role?

We hope that we’ve explained to you the risks regarding polyamory and being a secondary partner and how to navigate such scenarios. You still have rights and perks if you are a non-primary partner, some people even look for such specific roles in a relationship. Thus, don’t let it discourage you if it happens to you; embrace all the opportunities instead!

And if you are looking for opportunities to meet like-minded people, check out our polyamory dating app!

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc