Chris's article

Old habits are hard to break. This includes dating and lifestyle habits we’ve adopted through our years of life. It’s especially true when social pressure is a factor in forming the life that is expected of us. 

Millions of people are in marriages that aren’t necessarily unhappy, but feel like something is missing. Millions are also single and can’t seem to find the love life that really works for them. It’s not a result of people being insufficient or incapable of healthy relationships, rather it’s a result of adhering to illogical limitations we tend to force on each other. The mere mention of a polygamous family or polyamorous group of lovers too often garners reactions more suited to criminal behavior. 

Why so many people insist on holding everyone to a standard that fails so often is a mystery for the ages. If you have considered exploring polygamy or polyamory, don’t give up on the idea just because you’re getting up in years. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how many wonderful people you’ll meet. Even if you, and your current partner if you have one, never get involved with anyone else beyond friendship, you can still gain a wealth of experience you won’t regret.

The sooner the better is certainly true in many facets of life. If you had washed a sink full of dishes yesterday you wouldn’t be adding to the pile today. Humans have a tendency to find comfort in complacency. While there is certainly nothing wrong with a ‘bless this mess’ attitude in life, finding ways to progress and accomplish goals effectively leads to greater happiness. Is your marriage on the rocks even though you love each other dearly? Are you ignoring problems in order to keep the peace? 

Dating someone else together might be exactly what you need. It provides an adventure into something new to share, a new perspective, new energy, and possibly a whole new piece that’s been missing from your life together. If you’re single and cannot find a person that makes you feel complete in a relationship, perhaps it’s time to give an existing couple a chance? There is no one size fits all when it comes to matters of the heart.

A modernized version of polygamy has been gaining appeal in recent years, largely due to TV shows and other media depicting very ‘normal’ 

families living a polygamous lifestyle. Looking for a sister wife or looking to become a sister wife has become far easier with online options and greater acceptance socially. For women that find the idea of a lifetime serving one husband lonely, becoming a sister wife can be a dream come true. Polygamy offers the option for her to have more than one husband as well, if she were to choose that direction. If you’re part of a happy couple, or single with a lot to offer, don’t let your age stand in the way of offering a good home to a good person (or

people) that can be a great asset to your life. Even if you’re not comfortable revealing the nature of your poly relationship publicly, it’s your business, and all your joy to gain.

Polyamorous and polygamy dating can be complicated if you’re unable to keep a light heart about it in the beginning. An existing couple can’t treat every person they meet like they’re ‘the one,’ just like a single person can’t get too hung up on every couple they meet. It can be tough because the dating pool is a bit smaller, but don’t jump into a poly situation just for the sake of it. Treat poly dating like it’s something fun and let relationships evolve naturally. Showing too much interest too quickly can cause rifts in existing relationships as well, so be mindful of your affections. Keep calm and carry on, as they say. True love and happiness cannot be forced.

So far, we’ve discussed considering poly and polygamy dating as a relevant option for people that are just no longer young pups. What about people that are getting into what we consider the elderly years? 

Relationships for the older generation serve different purposes than for younger people. Considering the increasing need for help in everyday life as we age, polyamory is a wonderful option for elderly people. 

Imagine a family of 7 all over 70 years in age. The laughs they would share alone would make life pure joy. Beyond that, each of them using their ability to help each other maintain health and longevity is a perfect solution for the dwindling capacities that come with age. The older generation right now might be the hardest to convince, yet they stand to benefit the most. Younger generations today will be able to experience the benefits of sharing love and life with multiple people as they age far more commonly, and we should be thankful for it. Not to get too dark, but imagine not having to be so alone when you lose a loved one. Life throws a lot of difficult times our way. Facing the hard times with multiple lovers committed to your happiness can carry you smoothly through the darkness and back to the light.

Again, love is not a one size fits all concept. Lovers and relationships will come and go, marriages will fail or last, and many people will never consider polygamy or polyamory a viable option. Some people are happy to embrace complacency because change can be big and scary. Change is a little scary, progress is often difficult, and growth doesn’t come without growing pains. Getting past fear will be one of life’s greatest accomplishments if you achieve it. Building a polyamorous love life, or family, will take work and might feel impossible at times. However, if you’re one of the people that feels the poly lifestyle would work for you, embrace your good fortune and never be afraid to start exploring.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Polyamorous families were handed a huge victory this year in Somerville, Massachusetts. The city, in an effort to expand access to healthcare and solutions during a crisis, broadened the definition of domestic partnerships to include families with more than two adults. This is an important step and it happened in a state that tends to be a leader in championing rights to legally maintain relationships that happen to fall outside of societal ‘norms.’ Massachusetts was the first state to legalize gay marriage back in 2004. It took more than a decade for the rest of the country to catch up, many states by force, when gay marriage was declared legal by the Supreme Court in June of 2015. The fascinating aspect of this new approach to domestic partnerships is the lack of insistence on defining your relationship at all. The drafter of the ordinance, Lance Davis, explained that “I don’t think it is the place of the government to tell people what is or is not a family. Defining families is something that historically we’ve gotten quite wrong as a society.” Legalizing polyamory is really legalizing love in all forms. 

Are we on the verge of a new civil rights movement?

The legacy of polygamy in the United States sours many people on the idea of plural marriage or families. It’s understandable when considering religious based polygamous families tended to be more about control than love. Finding or becoming a sister wife historically was not about freedom of choice like it most often is today. The strange practice of marrying off young teenage girls to an adult male, and believing it was God’s will, is rightfully outlawed and viewed as despicable. It’s unfair, however, to place modern polygamists and other polyamorous people in the same box as these unsavory groups of the past. 

Modern polyamory and polygamy are entirely different concepts based on everyone’s basic right to pursue whatever life with the people they love is right for them. People are starting to look at monogamy often with as much mistrust as monogamous people find with the idea of polyamory. If justice can play out in coming years, the worst aspects of monogamy will stop being hidden, or swept under a rug, and we can move away from the patriarchal stronghold we’ve been under for centuries.

Imagine a world where heterosexual, homosexual, monogamous, or polyamorous relationships are not promoted or denounced. Society can reach a place where sexuality and relationships are a free space to explore the right things for each individual. Sexual intimacy doesn’t even need to be a factor, especially when it comes to the people we may choose as a life partner. One exciting factor in Somerville’s decision to recognize polyamorous families is it’s recognition that family is to be defined by individuals, therefore the nature of your domestic partnership is of no consequence under the new ordinance. For years we’ve told everyone that a family can only be one man, one woman, and however many kids they decide to have. The ‘nuclear family’ concept is promoted as the ideal while all other family structures are deemed somehow inferior, or even harmful. Correcting our approach to defining families will save many people from the soul crushing notion of failure that’s difficult to avoid when you aren’t considered ‘normal.’

As much as this new law will pull many families up out of ‘hiding,’ it won’t change as much as people might think. These families existed anyway. That’s the funny thing when laws exist to promote or punish people for loving and living certain ways, they only cause harm while producing almost none of the desired results. It’s better to embrace the reality that relationships and families will always be diverse. They come in all shapes and sizes. If you’re turned off by the idea of polygamy dating, consider this, isn’t it better to accept it rather than sending people off into isolation to do it anyway? Men that are seeking a sister wife aren’t inherently bad by nature (like some might assume) and a woman wanting to be a sister wife is no different than a woman wanting any kind of family of her own. It’s all natural and can be healthy if society can promote honest living instead of forcing everyone into limiting boxes. Polygamous families and polyamorous families will find better protection when they can be part of the mainstream, both legally and personally. The strange cults marrying underage girls to old men didn’t develop naturally. They came from being pushed into isolation and from a few bad seeds taking advantage of communities that either felt helpless or developed Stockholm Syndrome from years of living under such conditions.

Polygamy isn’t likely to get a stronghold in modern culture as much as general polyamory will. That’s also where we’ll find the most progress although we should be sure to include polygamy in the conversation. 

Plural  marriages are just a legal contract away from being the same thing as a poly family. Polyamorous dating has been growing fast in popularity so more and more people are becoming familiar with it and are no longer suspicious about it. Most people under 40 probably know at least one polyamorous family. Ultimately, the overall push needs to focus on offering some kind of recognition and equal treatment for any relationship two or more people decide to form in order to get through life together. Many relationships don't feel a need for any government recognition, but the day will come that it will be vital to protect the legal interests of your loved ones. Legal challenges from conservative groups are very likely in Somerville. It’s definitely a developing story to watch. Whatever the outcome is for now, they’ve opened a door that can’t be closed again. It’s time for all poly minded people and their supporters to start speaking out for fair treatment under the law, whatever that may turn out to be.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

The world feels like it’s crumbling all around us these days. Heat waves, pestilence, civil unrest, and political disillusionment has everyone either feeling helpless, or ready to scream at the top of their lungs! Never in recent history have we had to isolate in our homes en masse to avoid a deadly pandemic. We’ve had our share of civil unrest and terrible politicians over the years, but the current leaders and situation in the US seems to be hopelessly dysfunctional. While it’s important not to put our heads in the sand and ignore reality, it’s also unhealthy not to take a break from the madness. A road trip is a perfect escape if you and your polyamorous or polygamous family are fortunate enough to have the time and money to make one happen. Some basic planning and precautions can keep you all safe without sacrificing any of the fun or intimate moments a road trip so readily provides.

In a time of pandemic safety preparations are imperative. Finding a new sister wife or poly lover isn’t impossible, but spending more time with current partners is usually a better idea. There are always safety measures needed for poly people to keep each other safe, but be sure to implement enhanced precautions according to guidelines set by the CDC and other health organizations. Currently, social distancing and masks are effective in slowing the spread of Covid-19. If 14 day quarantine periods or other precautions are doable it may be reasonable to even include a new partner for your poly road trip. Assess the risk wisely and be prepared.

Once who is safe to come along is determined it’s time to plan the destination and route. Normally you might look for cities or regions where polyamory or polygamy are common so you can connect with like-minded people, but current circumstances are not normal. Seeking a polygamous family to spend a weekend learning from would only put you both in danger. It’s better to avoid visiting people, stay away from dense population centers, be mindful of ‘hot zones,’ avoid enclosed public spaces as much as possible, and stay away from crowds. Plan your route according to whatever restrictions might be in place in each region. If you live in Florida it’s best to not drive to New York this summer because a mandatory 14 day quarantine will really put a damper on a fun vacation. You might even designate one person to get out to refill gas and buy road snacks at each stop along the way to reduce exposure risks. Looking for stops that aren’t crowded in the first place is even better. Destinations that are a bit remote are also a good idea this summer. Maybe consider doing that long trail hike you’ve been considering for years. Anything to keep the number of people you’ll encounter lower, and increase time spent outdoors, will help.

Consider accommodations with safety in mind. You don’t spend so much time and energy looking for poly relationships just to end up sick from poor accommodation choices! There is some uncertainty about the safety of recycled air. Enough of the coronavirus may be able to pass through the filtering to get people sick, especially with prolonged exposure. 

It’s recommended to bring your own bed linens and only stay in rooms with a dedicated air conditioning system. Open all doors and windows to the unit with the air conditioner left on for about 20 minutes in order to clear any lingering virus before staying in the room for any extended period of time. The less busy a hotel or motel is the better. In fact, campgrounds are likely the best option, especially if you have an RV. 

Any option that offers minimal social contact is preferred. Don’t even think about vacationing in a hot zone right now.

All of this talk about a pandemic seems like it should be enough, but it’s not. Welcome to the year 2020, which is being endearingly referred to as the year of the dumpster fire. Seeking sister wives, poly lovers, polygamous or poly families is such a beautiful life that the realities we face in today's world seem impossible, but alas, we’re amidst a crisis. Civil unrest is an unavoidable result of injustice and progress. 

It’s very likely that your poly family is directly affected by injustice itself. People of color, however, bear the brunt of injustice in too many parts of the world today. It’s not impossible to show your support while still being able to get away to recharge and unwind. Pay attention to current events in cities and regions along your route in order to avoid interfering with important movements and possibly putting yourself, or others, in danger. If you do encounter protesters remember that cooler heads prevail. There is no reason not to show your support. 

Most of the time you’ll find demonstrators to be peaceful and willing to lend a helping hand. Don’t get wrapped up in media hype or frustration. 

Be a part of the solution.

Polyamorous people are full of love, which is exactly what the world needs more of today. Unfortunately, much of that love has to be from a distance, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. While poly and polygamy dating are a bit more complicated right now, poly people can use this time to strengthen their existing relationships by being present for each other even more than usual. Finding safe ways to get away and build stronger connections to each other can help prepare us for a better world in the near future. We will learn and grow from everything happening this year so far. We’ll look back on 2020 as a very difficult and scary time, but not every memory has to be a bad one. Get out and make some good memories while you can!

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

The year 2020 is showing us how quickly the world around us can crumble. 

Our political machines are being tested to their limits, a pandemic is revealing a terrifying aversion to discomfort even when it’s for safety, and centuries of racial injustice are coming to a head in streets around the world. Of course, with so many major issues we’re facing head-on, personal relationships are being tested as well. People are being blocked on social media at alarming rates and disparate feelings about current events are causing folks to choose a side while vehemently rejecting all others. One could say the year 2020 was the year ‘social harmony’ was dealt its final blows. Where we end up after all of this is a mystery. There are forces trying to maintain the status quo and insisting the pandemic is being blown out of proportion, racial injustice is already improving so just be patient, and politics have always been dirty. On the other hand many insist that it’s simply respectful to protect yourself and others by wearing a mask and isolating, there should be no peace until we have racial justice, and it’s high time we address the dirty politicians and corporate interests that have hijacked governments around the world. No matter where you stand on or between these issues your beliefs are being challenged today. What if someone you love holds strong opinions that are in complete opposition to yours? How do you reconcile two polar opposite belief and value systems? When might it be time to walk away, if ever?

It’s normal to have disagreements with someone you love. To expect anyone to agree with everything you think is absurd. Often we’re able to use a little humor to smooth over our differences and maintain healthy relationships. That’s not so easy when opposing attitudes about a deadly pandemic can literally lead to becoming infected. Poly families need to discuss where they stand concerning their overall health and what risks are acceptable to everyone involved. If you’ve recently become a sister wife or are pursuing being a sister wife watch for the ways your family of interest handles decisions that affect the whole family. Getting away from a poorly managed family is easier to do before you’re too deeply involved. Same goes for anyone new to a polyamorous situation. True love means not putting you at risks you’re not comfortable taking. Once you’re already involved you might have to keep a little distance from a lover that isn’t willing to ensure your safety. If two in your family are serious about masks, social distancing, and isolating when necessary, but one or more are out partying like it’s 2019 there is no shame in avoiding contact while a deadly virus is spreading like wildfire. It doesn’t have to be a breakup. True love can operate via video messaging and chats if it means respecting safety boundaries. If a lover isn’t willing to make it work, and keep you feeling safe, it might be time to reconsider the title of ‘lover’ for this person.

Issues involving social justice are a bit more complicated. If a member of your polyamorous or polygamous family is part of a group facing the injustice there is only one answer to how to proceed. You let them take the lead. Listen to them, support them, protect them, and do the things you can to help correct the injustice. If someone in your family feels passionate about issues concerning social injustice don’t dismiss their attempts to share their passion. If they are in opposition to any group struggling for justice it gets a little hairy. You have to ask a few questions. What are their core beliefs on race and where do they come from? Are they actually racist? If yes, this is a problem. Or, do they just not grasp the struggle of certain groups of people due to a lack of exposure? There are a lot of viewpoints to come from on this issue and it’s important to make sure your loved ones do not come from a position rooted in racism or hate. If they do, and refuse to investigate their feelings with a heart open to change, it’s time to start asking more questions. Would you be willing to defend their beliefs or actions? Are you willing to earn the reputation of either condoning or supporting these beliefs or actions? Is the situation safe or is this person militant in the opposition of another group of people? If you can’t calm them or keep them from aggression the only healthy option is to get away. If it’s all armchair politics it can be safe enough to simply push them to change, but don’t stick around for someone you know is crazy for fear of being alone.

So then we come to general politics. Politics and religion are two things we should never talk about, right? Well, if you are looking for a new sister wife, or are a woman looking for a polygamous family, you certainly need to discuss these things. General polyamorous dating can be a bit more open to opposing religious and political views, but polygamy dating often requires more cohesion in order to build a harmonious family. Your best bet is to not shy away from religion and politics when looking for possible long term intimacy. You don’t want to get involved with someone that will require you to renounce your personal values in order to validate the way they and/or their family have always done things. Is it okay for a devout atheist to date a devout Christian? It could be. Is it healthy? Very likely not. The sense of camaraderie needed for healthy relationships would be hard to muster. 

However, many people have lighter religious beliefs and are perfectly capable of dating outside of their personal faith. Religion is only being mentioned this much because it has a big part in shaping political views. Politics and religion in the poly and polygamy dating world can be awkward, but don’t shy away from them. If you’ve found yourself with someone you love, but cannot stand their views, there are other ways to satisfy your personal needs. Find groups that share your beliefs. Get involved in your community to help bring positive change. Spend more time with lovers that share more in common. If you can’t do these things because one lover makes it difficult, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.

Perfect harmony is a lovely concept and it’s pursuit is noble, but it can only be a journey rather than a destination. We will never have a world of perfection and our relationships will always face struggles. 

Some from within and some from the outside world's interference. Having a polygamous family or a polyamorous group to lean on is a true blessing when life and situations get tough. Molding your group or family into one of harmony is an unending effort that might require a few difficult choices along the way. No matter how much you may love a person, if they are affecting your life, or your family's life, in negative ways you cannot stand by and watch everything you’ve built fall apart. People evolve and sometimes into someone you no longer recognize. If efforts to pull them back from the abyss are unsuccessful your poly family has to protect itself. Don’t be insensitive, don’t be unforgiving, and don’t give up too easily, but especially don’t leave rotted fruit to spoil everything it touches.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

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