Chris's article

Gender roles and power structures have been hot button issues for a few decades as the world has been shifting away from being primarily a patriarchy. These topics can trigger charged emotional responses from people that cannot comprehend a world less focused on gender and male dominance. Progress never lacks opposition. It can be difficult to justify some of the results of more gender role fluidity and fewer ‘nuclear families.’ Seeing a friend transition to another gender can feel uneasy, even deceitful to some. How can they be certain they won’t regret it? If nothing else, knowing how they may be treated by the world can be heartbreaking. Kids being raised with no male, or no female, parental influence do frequently experience developmental difficulties. 

These things may never have any simple answers. As gender and patriarchy have evolved and weakened in importance, polyamory and polygamy have been gaining traction, and in these lifestyles we may find a lot of answers.


Think about what an intimate relationship really is. At the core it is simply people that care deeply for each other and have agreed to share life in some way. Sex is a nice bonus, but doesn’t always need to be a major factor in maintaining a healthy companionship. In fact, as we get older, sex becomes less important in life overall. At least for most people. Labels like girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, and wife are labels that can be used to make it easy for others to comprehend your relationship. However, none of these labels are absolutely necessary to define the nature of any of your life partnerships. If you really think about it, everyone is already polyamorous. The term has nothing to do with your chosen sex partners. We are moving into an era in which people are being allowed to take more control over the ways they choose to live and express their love.


Consider a woman that wants to become a sister wife. She may be sexually attracted to men and women, or only men, and she may even prefer male leadership in a family either way. As she seeks the polygamous family that’s right for her she has a responsibility to express her real desires and intentions to candidates. A feminist that enjoys sexual intimacy with women, but doesn’t consider herself a lesbian, shouldn’t get involved with a polygamous family that won’t allow for sex among the sister wives and views the husband as the central authority. Before making judgments about any of these people, remind yourself that there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any of them. They can only be wrong if they are not living honestly and assuring the relationships they maintain contribute to the happiness of everyone involved. The poly movement is not about discrediting the value of tradition, it’s about ensuring people are free to choose the right things for themselves. In fact, polygamy itself suggests a more traditional commitment element within relationships.


Polyamory is more open to interpretation than polygamy. It opens the door for people to explore the relationships that really make them tick. 

It lets them choose the power structures in their relationships and frees them to explore intimacy with anyone they choose, regardless of gender. Obviously, a person’s sexuality will have a major influence on the partners with whom they choose to explore these things. However, as relationships evolve to reflect real human yearnings it’s likely some our intimate relationships won’t involve sex at all. On the other hand, it’s also likely people will eventually not be so stubborn about their sexual orientation. Poly ‘families’ of all sexual orientations sharing life and love shows a lot of promise in resolving many problems couples and individuals face today.


When a group of people decide to form a loving bond they are also committing to building each other up in life. If there are kids involved they’ll have multiple adult influences helping them through the maze of childhood and adolescence. Gender roles and positions of authority can be adjustable according to abilities and needs within the group. It could almost be viewed as a commune-like structure where everyone is contributing to the best of their evolving abilities. Multiple lines of income will keep the family from falling behind as many couples and individuals do today. The unconditional love and support from multiple sources can keep mental health in check. Letting each partner lead with the things they are best equipped to handle will help avoid so many of the downfalls it’s easy to encounter in life. Naturally, having five people on your team will be better than only two.


Not all of these possibilities work for everyone, and that’s okay. Some people will never have a sexual interest in someone of the same sex or opposite sex. Many very traditional polygamists will always want a male lead family and sister wives that will only be involved with him as their husband. Some people will never be able to handle someone that transitions from one gender to another. Not evolving with the world around you doesn’t inherently make you wrong or bad. The way you respond determines that. Especially within the poly community, it’s vitally important that we respect every relationship we encounter. Their reasons to be together have nothing to do with you.


If a friend expresses an interest in someone or something you’re not familiar with, support them. It’s better to listen, accept, and be available if anything goes wrong than to try and enforce your views on anyone. If a buddy mentions he joined a polygamy dating site, talk to him openly about it. If a friend expresses discomfort with their birth gender, help them sort through those feelings and make the healthiest decision. If your lifelong girlfriend decides to explore polygamy and what it means to be a sister wife, hold her hand for the journey. 

Allowing people to form the bonds and love lives they truly desire isn’t hurting anyone. It’s helping. If you can’t help them find their true loves, at least don’t stand in their way.









Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com


Poly Love, Not Double Standards


There’s an old saying which is rarely used today, but it’s meaning remains every bit as valid. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” Essentially it refers to treating people the same as you’d like to be treated, but it goes further in suggesting you should have the same expectations as others expect of you. Think about a time a rule was explicitly enforced on you while you watched someone else blatantly ignore the rule then suffer no consequence for it. It’s common in the workplace. A co-worker befriends a member of management and comes in a few minutes late almost every day, but never is a word spoken of it. You come in late twice in one week and end up with a verbal warning, or worse. It’s an unfortunate tendency in human nature. For my friends, the world. Everyone else, the rules. Double standards in the workplace are frustrating, but typically there are resources to correct the situation. Double standards at home, or in intimate relationships, are far more complex. Relationships don’t have written rules so it’s up to each participant to set expectations and standards and stick to them. Here are a few ways to avoid power imbalances and double standards in your poly relationship. 


Sticking with workplace examples to make the next point. At work there is usually a manager to oversee operations, ensure employees are performing up to par, and implement disciplinary action when needed. This is not how intimate relationships should work. Everyone involved in a relationship is a ‘manager’ of that relationship and should be treated as such. Even if you’re into power play, or other similar kink, it should not be the guiding principle of your day to day relationship. Indulge yourself, but don’t lose yourself. When you invite a new person into your existing relationship, you are fully welcoming their input about relationship structure and expectations. When a polygamous man finds a new sister wife, she needs to be equal to any existing wives. There are some areas where trust has to be developed, naturally, but no efforts should be made to thwart a new member of your poly group from expressing themselves to the fullest. If your desire is to limit or control others, it’s not love you’re after. 


Even in the world of polyamorous relationships there is a surprising amount of unreasonable jealousy. I’ve lost count of the number of times poly friends have expressed that they want to date other people, but want their partner to only be with them. This is usually expressed with full knowledge that it’s ridiculous, but is a real feeling nonetheless. In a world with too many people clinging to the idea of relationships as a form of possession, it’s not easy to break the habit. In order to grow a polygamous family or polyamorous group there has to be an environment that encourages dating and free expression. Patriarchal structures add a layer of difficulty to this concept. In a polygamous family, usually it’s only the husband that dates prospective new sister wives. The only way to justify this is by ensuring each current wife is happy with the arrangement and knows she is also free to start dating if she ever wants to. Some people will balk at this idea, but don’t forget, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. It’s only fair. Marriage, of any type, stopped being about possession decades ago. Love is what keeps people together. Don’t poison it with a double standard based on your inability to trust. 


Trust is such a trigger word. It’s hard to maintain, easy to lose, and is required for healthy relationships in every aspect of life. We will stop going to a restaurant after years of enjoying the place based on one bad experience. We’ll convince ourselves to drive two miles out of the way for something we need because an employee at the local shop had a bad day once and was rude. Trust is complicated. There is no easier time to employ a double standard than when we feel our trust has been tested. In situations with the local shop or restaurant the only damage our pettiness will cause is a little less business they likely won’t even notice. However, pettiness over silly incidents with the ones we love can cause irreversible damage. It can kick off a litany of power plays and double standards that will ensure the demise of even the strongest relationship. People will show the worst of themselves when they feel they have something to prove. The only thing we should be concerned with proving to a lover is our ability to love. Love is forgiving, supportive, and without nefarious intent. 


Relationships come in so many forms it would be impossible to pin them all down. Each person involved in an arrangement brings a unique perspective that should mold the relationship into something that is beautiful to them. There is really no wrong way to have a relationship as long as it reflects all of the people in it. We make the most amazing things in this world when we bring all of our best ideas to the table. You have to love and trust each other. When you look for polyamorous dates you need to keep the current love in your life at the forefront of your heart. A relationship cannot be healthy if anyone feels neglected or unhappy. Never prioritize pride, selfish desires, or pettiness over the people you love. Remember this, and that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and you’ll have a strong platform to work from. Polygamy dating, poly dating, and maintaining happy relationships is enough work already. Don’t make it worse by ignoring a double standard when you see it, whether it’s your double standard or a lovers’. Love is always more important than ego.    









Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com


We’re all guilty of pushing our personal views onto other people a little too hard at times. It’s easy to feel confident you are correct about something and become frustrated at anyone with an opposing view. You often can believe you’re actually helping someone by persuading them to think like you. Maybe you are, Maybe you’re not. There’s trouble brewing either way when you become inflexible. None of us have all of the answers and our discourse should be focused on sharing ideas rather than claiming moral or logical superiority against others with perfectly reasonable views. Not everything needs to be personal outside of your own intimate relationships. Here are some thoughts on choosing your battles wisely, respecting the choices and views of others, and contributing to a more accepting world where people can pursue their polyamorous dreams without fear of discriminatory interference.


An important concept to embrace is how useless your negative opinions are in the grand scheme. This isn’t about feeling you don’t matter and can’t contribute. It’s about the diminishing impact you have on the world as you foster negative views. There is a difference between skepticism and negativity, by the way. For example, it’s perfectly reasonable to believe polygamy and polyamory are entirely different things. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to school people for identifying as polygamous when you believe they are only polyamorous. If a group of poly lovers choose to describe their relationship as polygamous in an effort to express a greater level of commitment to each other it is nobody’s right to tell them they are wrong. On the other hand, if a woman wants to be a traditional sister wife it’s only expected she would likely not choose a family that involves two men. It’s not about doing anything that isn’t right for oneself. It’s about realizing that everyone is different and should be able to follow their own path without others attempting to ‘correct’ them along the way. 


Let’s say you’re a person that feels very strongly that the rules of monogamy and polygamy are set in stone. It’s one man and one woman, or one man and multiple wives, only. There are plenty of people in the world that will support your views. It will be easy to feel very confident that you are absolutely correct and that people should listen to you. There are certainly millions around the world on your side. The fact is, plenty of same sex marriages have been wildly successful and it made more people happy in the world. There are thousands of successful mixed gender group relationships in the world identifying as polygamous, or whatever they prefer, and this also has lead to more happy people in the world. If the joy of others upsets you, you are the problem. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t follow your own heart in your personal life, but every reason to respect others following their hearts as well. 


There are situations where your strong opinions are needed to persuade others. If you see someone trying to go along with a relationship that is clearly unhealthy there should be no hesitation with offering your advice and help. The dating world, poly or not, can be a tricky and dangerous place. From sex cults to lone abusers, there are predators out there looking for prey. Respecting the choices of others doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye to obvious dangers. Love and sex can play crazy tricks on the best of us. If you see sudden changes in a friends personality after they meet someone, signs of physical abuse, or any red flags don’t be afraid to thwart the relationship. Tread carefully and respectfully, but never let them slip away into a world they might not be able to escape without a real effort to pull them back to their senses. Polyamory is about love. It’s not about abuse and control, and that’s an opinion it’s okay to enforce.


As acceptance grows for many different types of loving relationships so, too, will opinions about them multiply. It’s easy to jump on a naysayer bandwagon as humans have an odd affinity for mob mentalities. Before picking and choosing which non-monogamous relationships you’ll accept or reject, and insisting on telling them how to define their own relationships, think about the effect your opinion actually has on the world. Is it really helping anyone but the naysayers that are impossible to please? Eventually those naysayers will find fault in your life too. That’s what they do. Do you really want to be a part of that? Why not be a part of the world that’s trying to make it a happier and more accepting place? Before jumping on a friends back when they mention their account on a polygamy dating site, ask them how that would work for them. Instead of telling your friend the couple they’ve met is only using them for sex, or worse, talk to them about how they picture a future with them. How would it work? The life of a sister wife or member of a polyamorous group is often quite wonderful. Don’t have a negative impact on them. If you really cannot respect someone else’s relationship it’s better to walk away. 


Everyone is trudging through life doing the best they can. The number of obstacles and barriers people face make it difficult enough to find and maintain joy. Showing love and support for all the diversity around you will reward your life with experiences and insights that are invaluable. Having personal views that stem from a place of love, support, and acceptance will only lead to more satisfaction in your own life. When you see people loving each other whatever way they see fit, be happy for them. Your opinion about the dynamics and labels they should be embracing is irrelevant to their experience. If nothing else, consider the old saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, why say anything at all?” This is especially true when your words only seek to cause harm, which is not helping anyone. Spread love and stop hate.   










Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com 


A passing thought about polyamory can make it seem like an easy and care-free lifestyle that mostly only immature young adults enjoy. There is a certain freedom to be enjoyed when people choose to not limit intimacy and love in their lives. Less finality and more opportunity is lovely, but comes with responsibilities that should not be ignored. Intimacy with more than one person means more chances to cause emotional trauma, more sexual partners means a higher health risk, and following an unfamiliar life path leads to unique circumstances you and many of your peers simply won’t understand. You become part of an ‘alternative lifestyle’ which can expose you to heavy scrutiny. Don’t let any of this discourage you. Your poly life can be one of great beauty and fulfillment as long as you’ve considered your true desires and how to approach them in respectful and constructive ways. 


Think about your ultimate relationship. Do you want to be a sister wife? Would you like one or more lovers of the opposite or same sex, or both? Are you a man that wants sister wives, or would like to join other men and all share one wife or girlfriend together? If you could paint the picture of your perfect family or intimate group, what would it look like? Take this part seriously because this is what will drive all of the decisions and behaviors you’ll need to develop in order to have the life you want in a fulfilling and ethical manner. There are no limits to the life you ultimately desire. As long as you intend and cause no harm, and are genuinely following your heart, you can rest assured you’re doing the right things. 


If you simply don’t wish to commit to anyone romantically, but enjoy finding sexual partners frequently, you are not polyamorous. You can have an open relationship with one or more partners, but sex outside of the relationship is just sleeping around. There is nothing wrong with this as long as any people you have committed to are aware of your activities, however, those behaviors should not be considered a form of polyamory. It’s actually what many people incorrectly perceive as polyamory. Polyamory and polygamy imply a certain degree of investment beyond getting laid. ‘The Ethical Slut’ is a great read that lays out how to live a slutty lifestyle while minimizing risks. If you and/or your partners insist on sleeping around you should read it and consider the behaviors you can develop to protect yourself and others from any harm. 


This leads to poly and polygamy dating in a new pandemic weary world. If you and/or your partners are seeking others to join you romantically it means you have to meet new people, which can lead to sexual encounters regardless of new relationships working or not. It should be pointed out that in order to ethically have sex with anyone many of the standards pointed out here should have already been followed. There has always been risk involved when sleeping with what essentially are strangers. Talk about any risk you bring to the encounter and ask questions about risks the others may pose. This has to become part of the experience without ruining the moment. We have to get comfortable with it. Mostly, we have to tell the truth. There is no way to stay ahead of an outbreak if people are not being candid and taking health risks, of any kind, seriously. If you find yourself afraid of this discussion, or incapable of presenting the truth about your risks, you need to put your sex life on pause to consider your motivations. 


An insatiable sex drive is not a problem if you come by it honestly. Wanting multiple regular partners because you don’t want to overwhelm one person is arguably an amazing gift, good for you. On the flip side, an unquenchable sex drive stemming from an emotional issue runs a high risk of falling into destructive behavior. Dating to find healthy connections with new people and grow your group or family should not be influenced by destructive behavior. It should be a well considered and intentional experience where you’re seeking real connections with people that share similar desires in life and love. This is why it’s so important to be in touch with your personal drives and motivations. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself meeting the wrong people and trying to forge relationships that have no chance of real success. Nobody wants to be lonely, but better to spend some time alone than to hurt yourself and others through desperate attempts to force doomed relationships to work. 


In the time you spend alone it will be easy to believe the naysayers when they say you’re doing something wrong. Choosing to challenge societal norms naturally leads to some level of ostracization because without imposing consequences, society at large feels it’s losing control. People that choose to live outside of the heterosexual, monogamous, patriarchy have a responsibility to support each other. Consider yourself your own, new, letter in the LGBTQ+ movement. In order to be happy, you need supportive friends. In order to enjoy the support of friends it’s only fair to offer your support in return. These are the people that will help you embrace yourself and keep you strapped to your seat while you ride the roller coaster of finding love. Trust them when they’re concerned for you. Tell them when you see red flags they may not notice. The bond you share is just as strong as with any lover you’ll find. Treasure your friends. 


Common themes when discussing ethics are honesty with yourself and others, respect for yourself and others, integrity, intent, and generosity. Nobody is perfect. We will all fall short at times until the day we die. It’s important to genuinely forgive yourself while you sort out the influences pushing you in the right and wrong directions. As you search for that perfect poly love situation, or polygamous family, you can’t forget the number one relationship in your life is with yourself. If you don’t love and respect yourself, it will be difficult to offer others the love and respect they deserve from you. Yes, you can meet a friend or lover that helps you to that goal, but you have to lay the groundwork first. The best thing about approaching anything in life ethically is you can be assured of better results. Feeling good about your choices and being a reliable friend or lover will never lead you astray. Be safe, be strong, and always spread love.









Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com


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