Chris's article

From craft coffee to artisanal sandwiches to monthly therapy, millennials are no strangers to self-care. But how is this self-aware generation faring in the dating world? Unfortunately, they fall victim to modern challenges too often--particularly ghosting, the hook-up culture, and saturated apps. So where do millennials stand on poly dating sites and poly life? Unsurprisingly, they’re more receptive to non-monogamous relationships, polyamory, and open relationships.

What poly dating sites do millennials use?

Even with the advent of social media, apps, and dating sites, it can be difficult to find the right poly match precisely because of these platforms. Millennials use Sister Wives, #open, and other mainstream sites or smartphone apps. However, very popular platforms tend to attract a more questionable crowd that often gives poly dating sites (and poly relationships overall) a bad rep. These sites comprise match.com and Tinder (just two out of many non-poly-friendly sites) where you’re likely to encounter feigned interest and people thirsty for a hook-up in the name of sexual exploration. 

To be fair, some poly individuals have probably found worthwhile relationships on these sites, but we don’t have the data for conclusive statements. Nevertheless, this means polyamory visibility and access to good poly dating sites are on the rise. According to a study by OkCupid (Tinder’s older sibling) in 2016, 42% of its users expressed that they would be interested in entering a relationship with someone already in a polyamorous arrangement. Though a little outdated by our standards, this figure is a noteworthy discovery.

Are millennials more likely to be in poly relationships than Baby boomers?

Research carried out by the Institute for Family Studies shows that Baby boomers are more in favor of monogamous relationships as the status quo in comparison with the younger generations (Hawkins and Smith, 2019). In the same vein, the Silent Generation (their parents), are less likely to have been in a consensual non-monogamous relationship or be interested in entering one. In contrast, millennials are more interested in consensual non-monogamy and are much more likely to have tried it in the past.

It’s safe to assume that millennials are then more likely to be in a poly relationship compared to their predecessors. Although some of our elders are credited with bringing poly love to the forefront via polycules in the 1960s and 1970s coupled with the invention of birth control methods, it seems that an even larger number still value the normal family unit of a straight, monogamous relationship epitomized by children.

Some argue that this warmer reception by millennials and higher poly instances in their group are due to the changes in marital expectations and timing. This claim might have some substance to it. After all, millennials are eschewing tradition by focusing more on careers, choosing marriage less and less, and straying from the nuclear family model. Furthermore, when millennials do get married, they tend to get married at a later age. 

This longer period between single life and married life (or a marriage equivalent) is where many say millennials get to explore and try new things, including consensual non-monogamy, but the study we provided above found that even with these factors in mind, millennials are still more likely to be in a poly relationship or at least consider it. We may never know exactly why this is so, but it’s still a compelling correlation we’ll keep an eye on throughout the years.

How is poly dating in millennials being undermined?

Besides limited representation in media and pop culture, poly dating is also greatly misunderstood in psychological circles. As a matter of fact, according to the study Polyamorous Millennials in Therapy: Interpreting Experiences to Inform Care by Rebecca Calhoun-Shepard, many psychologists are not trained to counsel or help treat poly millennials about self-identity issues, dating challenges, and other personal issues. It is common that therapists play down poly clients’ struggles and try to help clients solve their life’s dilemmas through a monogamous lens, thereby wasting time, money, and effort, while making the client feel shameful, helpless, and rightfully misunderstood (Calhoun-Shepard, 2019).

Of course, these unique obstacles don’t just stem from intentionally insensitive therapists, but also from a lack of research about poly clients in a psychological context. In Calhoun-Shepard’s breakthrough study, therapists describe their experience evolving from an uninformed provider to an empathetic one as a type of awakening, aptly nicknamed “getting it.” Instead of treating clients with a preconceived notion of poly relationships, they worked hard to reframe their way of thinking to best serve their patients.

This approach of being an educated ally is something we can scale up with a larger audience. Instead of relying on monogamous codes of conduct, we should open up the table to include alternative lifestyles, especially in professional settings. Sadly, people who do not understand or disagree with poly lifestyles might reflexively feel like they’re sacrificing their pride or values when they decide to change their views about poly dating.

What’s the future of poly dating sites and millennials?

Baby Boomers and Silent Generation constituents are quick to criticize millennial habits, but the truth is, millennials care, and they care deeply. Sure, they might splurge on a fancy sandwich with avocado, free range chicken, and fair-trade vegetables, but this just means they recognize the costs of sustainable production and are willing to support it with their dollar. Yes, millennials are quick to cancel a celebrity or influencer, but this means they don’t stand for hate, bigotry, or other forms of animosity. 

And yes, millennials are more likely to use dating sites to meet potential partners, but at the same time, they’re also more accepting of different lifestyles in general. Whether millennial interest in poly dating is rising because they feel that poly life is a natural course of action after hundreds of years of traditional partnerships or if it’s because they’re more likely to seek meaningful connections, one thing is for sure: poly dating sites will continue to be a prominent feature in the dating realm.

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

You may have recently realized you’re polygamous or polyamorous, or are a poly person who recently met a new potential partner. However, while it’s important to live an authentic life, it’s unfair to assume your partner or spouse - or potential partner or spouse - is automatically okay with a non-monogamous relationship. To help you all navigate, the Sister Wives team has compiled a few ways to ensure all partners are onboard with a poly relationship.

Educate them

If your partner or potential partner are new to the poly lifestyle, it’s important to educate them. There are two overarching areas of poly: Polygamy and polyamory. Which do you identify with? It’s also okay if you don’t want to label it. Education on poly lifestyles is important, and you can learn a lot by reading the articles section of the Sister Wives dating website. The most important thing, though, is that you explain what it means to you.

 

What we mean by that is, explain why you feel drawn to polygamy or polyamory. That answer, while it will sound different for everyone, probably won’t be “because my current partner isn’t enough”, and that is what most monogamous people are afraid of. They feel that by opening your relationship to another partner, you’re saying they aren’t enough for you. This clearly isn’t the case, so just be sure you’re compassionate when communicating with them about being (or becoming) poly.

Address the sigma around polygamy and polyamory

People are becoming more and more accepting of poly lifestyles every day. Unfortunately, that does not mean the bias and stigma poly people face has vanished. Polyamorous, polygamist or otherwise multi-person marriages are illegal all over the US and in many other countries. Recently, there have been a few steps in the right direction, such as Utah’s decriminalization of polygamy last year. Even more recently, Cambridge, Massachusetts, announced in March 2021 that it will legalize domestic partnerships between three or more people.

Understand the history

While there is progress, it’s happening at a slow pace. For polygamy marriages, this is partially because of its association with religious groups such as Mormons and Muslims, and many feel the US should operate under Christianity. Some religion-based polygamists have pressured women into opening their marriage to sister wives.

 

While this is not and should never be something included in polygamy, it’s important to acknowledge it has happened to people in the past, and is currently happening to some people - mostly women - in other countries that practice polygamy. Modern polygamists have to understand where this bias comes from, because it shows how important consent is. This is a huge thing you should be prepared to discuss with your partner. If they aren’t on board with polygamy, you have to accept that. Even if that means you have to part ways.

Another reason poly marriages struggle with gaining legality: Taxes. There is an argument that multi-spouse marriages would give those households unfair advantages when it comes to paying taxes. Unfortunately, it is much easier for lawmakers to ignore the poly community rather than reform the current tax system in place.

Unpacking biases

Obviously, polygamous and polyamorous people don’t want to get married to cheat the tax system. While it would probably make filing easier, they want to get married because they have the right to be who they are. That, and the fact that partners who aren’t legally married don’t get the benefits that monogamous spouses have. For example, insurance companies and hospitals don’t have to recognize the marriage.

 

Plus, not many people know or understand why poly marriages are illegal, they just know that it is. Sadly, most people also don’t research things like this until it impacts them directly. So, there’s a decent amount of people who look down on something they don’t really know anything about simply for the fact it’s not what they deem ethical.

Give them time

As we said at the beginning of the article, you can’t expect a partner or potential partner to jump on board right away. They may not be on board until months later, if at all. This is a lot of information to take in, after all.

 

If they express interest but want to learn more, then great! Use the section above to help you lead some honest and real conversations with them about why they’re hesitant. Don’t pressure them to give you a response by a certain deadline.

What if my partner freaks out upon me telling them?

Know that any big reactions stem from a place of hurt and/or fear. You have to be patient and show them you understand where they’re coming from. Be sure to spend some time preparing for the conversation both mentally and emotionally. Mentally, because you want to be prepared to answer their questions and explain to the best of your ability. Emotionally, because you may not get the response you want to hear.

 

It is possible that you could lose a monogamous partner or spouse by telling them you're poly. As hard as that would be, you deserve to live authentically. And so do they. If you can’t bring yourself to be monogamous and they can’t become poly, you will both have to move on. Because it isn’t fair to either of you to pressure the other into being something you’re not. It’s also unfair to keep something from a partner, so always be honest about who you are.

Utilize Sister Wives as a Resource

Whether you go into the poly dating world with a partner or alone, the Sister Wives dating website is here to help you along your journey. We’ve already mentioned our articles, but that’s not all we have to offer our members. You can learn more about other people’s stories by checking out our member blogs . Whatever step of your journey you’re on, know that you’re not alone.

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

Sister Wives How To: Talk About Changing the Rules

One of the defining characteristics of poly+ relationships is the amount of talking you have to do to keep things running smoothly. While most practitioners know how to handle the day-to-day (how are chores being divided, what’s the schedule for the week, where to have dinner out), conversations about changing the rules of the relationship can feel intimidating and complicated. After all, the potential for conflict increases exponentially with every additional person in a relationship!

 

But in order to keep any relationship healthy, it’s important to go deep every so often and make sure you’re all as happy as you can be together. (Keep in mind, this guide is written with the intention of helping people already in poly+ relationships, but the general principles can also apply to talking to your partner about trying the poly+ lifestyle.

 

1. Reflect on What Your Deal breakers Are
   First, talk to yourself. Think about what you like and dislike about the way the relationship is currently structured, and what rules feel like a burden. Take some time before you have the conversation to envision your perfect relationship, both in the abstract and with the people you’re currently with.
   
   Then, journal or record voice memos about what makes you feel happy, alive, and motivated to be your best self. Consider if there are expectations from your partners or yourself (said or unsaid) that feel antithetical to who you are and want to be as a person and partner. If you’re unsure of where to start, try these prompts: “This is what happens on the days I feel happiest…”, “This is what happens on the days I feel saddest…”, and “I feel the most like myself when…”
   
   
2. Schedule the Conversation
   
   When you feel ready to have the conversation, talk to your partners about it in advance. Schedule a time when you will all be most likely to be fed, rested, and calm. Try to make it a time when you won’t have to rush from or to anywhere, and when you’ll all have the opportunity to wind down afterwards, whether it’s together in a cuddle puddle, or solo with each of your thoughts. Offer the same prompts and practices you use to be prepared. Most people feel nervous when they hear the phrase “we need to talk” without context, so try saying something like this: “I love you and I want to make sure we’re taking care of each other in the right way. I’d like to have a conversation about how the relationship is working for all of us on [DATE] at [TIME]. Here’s something I’m thinking about so I’m ready for it, would you be up for trying it too?”
   
   
3. Be Honest About What You Need
   
   At the appointed date and time, show up with your best self. Be ready to be open, honest, and vulnerable. Make sure to have snacks and drinks at hand so if the discussion takes a while, no one gets hangry (but you’re probably better off skipping alcohol or heavy drinking). Ensure everyone has an equal chance and time to talk (an egg timer or stopwatch on your phone works well for this). When it’s your turn to speak, don’t shy away from what you really need, whether it’s dipping into new bedroom activities like BDSM or group intimacy, or needing time to yourself on Thursday nights to catch up on your novel reading. The only way you get what you want is by asking for it with words.
    
4. Approach Conflicts as a Team
   
   As you listen to your partners, use the mindset of listening to understand, rather than respond. You might find yourself having strong, immediate reactions, and the impulse to interrupt them if you feel they’re wrong. That’s perfectly human, but not necessarily perfect for the discussion!  Rather than interrupting, make a mental note or write down your reaction so you can talk about after they finish their thought. When you find you have a conflict of need or desire, problem-solve together. It’s you as a team against the problem, not against each other. Yes, sometimes you’ll find that your needs are incompatible, but it’s better to know and make a decision than burning out the relationship and each other.
   
   

Keep Talking

After the conversation, you hopefully have adjusted your relationship rules so they work beautifully for everyone! Even so, give yourself time to wind down and reflect. In the days and weeks following, keep talking to each other and adapting what you’ve agreed on as you apply the rules to everyday life. It might be clear that Thursday nights aren’t great because one partner needs the living room for their DnD sessions, but Wednesdays are perfect instead. Life changes your circumstances all the time, so keep the lines of communication open, and remember to celebrate when you make decisions that keep the relationship healthy, happy, and vital.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

The Ultimate Guide to Choosing Your Perfect Poly Partners

 

 

If you’re new to polyamory, potential partners way ahead of you in the game will avoid you like the plague because you probably have a lot to learn and they won’t have the patience. Of course, why would they risk the emotional traumas when they can easily find themselves a stable partner? The stakes are even higher in polygamy, which involves a legally-binding agreement in the form of marriage.

But that’s not necessarily the case for everyone – especially not for those who go through this guide. In this guide, we’ll equip you with all you need to know to present yourself as a seasoned polyamory pro to your potential polygamy partner to make them open up easily to you.

We’ll be covering:

1. Hard facts about finding a partner

2. A checklist for finding partners

3. The best places for finding partners

Let’s dive in!

 

Some Iron-Clad Facts You Shouldn’t Ignore When Searching for a Partner

 

First, let’s talk about some hard facts you need to have at the back of your mind all through your search. These facts are immutable and non-negotiable, regardless of your circumstance. You can’t build a solid foundation for your poly partners if you ignore them.

 

You Need to Find a Polygamy Partner for the Right Reasons

If straight-off the bat you go looking for a partner with the wrong motives, you shouldn’t expect the relationship to work for long.

For a stable, lasting relationship, you’d want to make sure that your motives match the qualities you need in your potential partner. It could be a total disaster if those two don’t meet. For instance, if you’re looking for long-distance relationships, you need to look for a partner who can accommodate your long absence.

 

You Need a Set of Guidelines for the Relationship

A clear set of guidelines will help make your relationship more predictable – especially on your own end. This will help you establish expectations and ease anxiety in the relationship. With this guideline, you’ll know exactly what to do in delicate situations to prevent emotional fallouts.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself when creating your guidelines;

·       What do I generally want in this relationship?

·       What would I love to have but can do without?

·       What are things that I must have?

Use these questions to set guidelines for various circumstances from pregnancy to sharing your living space, and safe sex practices.

 

You can’t Plan Your Partner’s Life for Them

As much as you’d love for your plans for the relationship to pan out well, you shouldn’t bank on the predictions you make about your partner’s behaviors. It’s best to come with multiple plans and an exit strategy to cover just about any event. You can’t dictate how they see and feel about things, so it’s best to focus on your own actions and behaviors in your plan.

 

Your Relationship Can Change or Evolve Over Time

You should also prepare your mind for circumstances where either of you changes your mind about the relationship. But sometimes, this change occurs subtly, slowly eating up the relationship from the inside and building into a serious breach of trust.

It’s best to keep track of any possible changes to your relationship to minimize the damage that might occur down the line. One of the best ways to do this is by creating a relationship playbook that you can frequently revisit and revise whenever you feel something odd is happening.

 

Regular Check-Ins is Essential

As in every relationship, communication is the key in your polygamous relationships. If the channels for communicating thoughts and feelings are blocked or obstructed, the bottled-up emotions and thoughts might be released through other channels that are not healthy for the relationship – jealousy fits, for example.

 

Disagreements are Bound to Happen

You shouldn’t expect your ideal partner to sees eye-to-eye with you in every issue. Rather than making you happy and at ease, a yes-yes partner can quickly bore you out.

A little bit of variety isn’t bad for your relationship, so you need to be prepared to court each other’s differences and agree to disagree.

 

Therapists and Relationship Coaches Can Help You Find a Good Partner

Relationship coaches can help you establish your motives and the right qualities you should expect from your potential partner. They can also talk to your potential partner to help you resolve any critical differences that may fizzle out the flow of the relationship.

 

 

A Checklist for Your Search

Now that you’re acquainted with facts that’ll help you lay a solid foundation for your relationship, you know exactly what your relationship should look like in general.

But you need to drill down more specifically on the qualities of your potential partner. To help you do that, here’s a checklist you should use when checking out potential candidates:

 

What Makes You Jealous?

Some people are fine with their partners having casual sex with others, but not with a deeply intimate relationship – where the partner virtually sells their soul. It can be quite dicey to gauge your jealous impulses – sometimes you need to take the plunge and learn the hard way with a real-life situation.

If you can’t handle seeing your polygamy partner dating others, then you can limit your search to partners who’ll make out with other people while they’re with you. Here are some questions you should ask yourself:

Do I feel secure about this relationship?

What level of commitment can I tolerate in my partner’s relationship with others?

Can we resolve fights easily?

Can we both agree on certain rules and goals?

 

Are You Both on the Same Page over your Relationship Style?

It’s never advisable to go looking for a polygamy partner in a monogamist. You and your partner should agree on the type of relationship you want from the onset. Don’t go in while hiding the fact that you’re looking to have a polygamous relationship. It’s unethical and could backfire.

 

What Motivates Your Partner?

You’ll most likely succeed in your relationship if you and your partner have common goals. For starters, you and your partner need to be on the same page about the limitations of monogamy and how to explore polyamory relationship to fill the void.

A simple motivation to find more love and happiness in life can keep your relationship going during a thorny patch. For polygamous relationships, partners are usually motivated by more tangible benefits like financial stability or ability to support certain lifestyles. 

 

 

Do We Have a Future?

Do you intend to quit the relationship at a certain point in time – probably when you have kids or take on a political office? You should make this clear from the get-go and have your partner prepared for that eventuality.

You can also talk about your future with them anytime you feel like the relationship is heading off the rails. You two should be able to talk to each other comfortably about the future of the relationship whenever something’s bothering you.

 

 

The Best Places to Find Your Polygamy Partners

Armed with your checklist and guidelines for finding polygamy partners and managing your emotions and behaviors, you’re now fully equipped for your search.

Here are some of the best places you should check out first.

 

Ashley Madison

One of the most renowned meeting places for polyamorists on the web is Ashley Madison. With over 54 million users from all works of life, you’ll have plenty of options to explore here. You can also rest assured that the people you meet will most likely get on the same page with you. The platform parades itself as one for the “most open-minded” relationships. Users here range from single to married, sexually curious, and swingers.

The site also has a good track record of safeguarding the security and privacy of its users, so you can feel at ease about sharing your personal information n the platform.

 

Feeld

Feeld is another popular destination for polygamists. However, the user base here isn’t as refined as that of Ashley Madison or other platforms, as it’s mainly frequented by people looking for flings and one-night-stands, not a lasting relationship.

However, with over a million users, you still stand a good chance of finding good partners who share the same goals as yours.

Feeld also has a bad reputation for bugs and glitches in its app, but its website is more stable. Most web and mobile app users enjoy a wide variety of features that connect them with potential partners, including incognito mode, couple accounts, and group chats.

 

Fetlife

If you’re looking for a poly relationship with fringe sexual behaviors like fetishes and BDSM, Fetlife is right in your alley.

The site boasts over 8.5 million users worldwide, many of whom are fervid fans of extreme fringe behaviors.

Fetlife is also integrated with Facebook, with users allowed to share their Facebook groups, events, profiles, and multimedia with others on the platform.

 

OkCupid

One of the oldest dating sites on the internet, OKCupid is one of the best places where you can find polyamory partners today.

But as a long-established platform, OKCupid is heavily frequented by people looking for more traditional relationships. However, given a user base of over 5 million people, you still stand a good chance of finding polygamy partners here.

The platform’s matching system can help you quickly find potential partners, showing you people whose preferences are comparable to yours. Note, however, that polyamory users here often use emojis and code words to describe what they want, so you need to find and use these code words when searching for your partner.

 

Meetup

This platform is also frequented by decent, everyday people looking for poly relationships. The platform can match you with potential partners based not only on your sexual preferences and goals but also factors like hobbies. You might be in luck to find a polygamy partner who not only shares your relationship goals but also shares your same hobbies.

Another advantage of using Meetup is that their user base is spread more evenly across the nation, so you’ll have nearly as many partners to choose from as people living in major cities.

 

 

Connect With Your Polygamy Partner Today

 

You don’t need to make any major lifestyle changes to prepare for your polygamy partner. All you need to do is to come to terms with your emotions and personal needs. Once you’ve established these, you can then set out to find a partner who can cater to those needs. There are a plethora of places to find potential candidates, but you need to ensure that the partner you choose is motivated toward the same goals.

Published By: Sister Wives

Matchmakers Inc