Sister
Wives How To: Talk About Changing the Rules
One of the defining characteristics of poly+
relationships is the amount of talking you have to do to keep things running
smoothly. While most practitioners know how to handle the day-to-day (how are
chores being divided, what’s the schedule for the week, where to have dinner
out), conversations about changing the rules of the relationship can feel
intimidating and complicated. After all, the potential for conflict increases
exponentially with every additional person in a relationship!
But in order to keep any relationship healthy,
it’s important to go deep every so often and make sure you’re all as happy as
you can be together. (Keep in mind, this guide is written with the intention of
helping people already in poly+ relationships, but the general principles can
also apply to talking to your partner about trying the poly+ lifestyle.
Published By: Christopher Alesich
Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com
Even with the rising support of feminism and the LGBTQIA+ community, polygamy is often cast aside as the weird, freaky one in the group. Thanks to pop culture and the inescapable narrative of straight, monogamous relationships, alternative romantic and sexual lifestyles like polyamory are often vilified. It’s easy to reciprocate hate and animosity, but the poly community believes in friendly exchange of ideas. So it’s time to set the record straight and bust some myths about polygamy, polygyny, polyamory, and consensual non-monogamy as a whole.
Why all this hate against polygamy?
It would be foolish to ignore some of the darker histories associated with polygamy, especially polygyny. Polygyny, the marriage of one man to multiple wives, is often compared to society’s patriarchal nature. Men in power enjoying the benefits of multiple women partners has negatively influenced the cultural attitude towards poly lifestyles.
Most notably, religious male leaders or abusive male partners have traditionally coerced young women into non-consensual (or seemingly consensual) relationships--a big source of hate against polygamy. This is a despicable stain on polygamous relationships, but only a small fraction of what it actually is now.
Is polygamy just another form of patriarchal control?
Today, polygamy’s rebirth clearly demonstrates that the former imbalance of power and choice between man and woman is finally leveling out. Moreover, polygamy today has a broader definition. It’s no longer a strict bond between a straight man and multiple wives or a straight woman and multiple husbands. For starters, bisexual men, bisexual women, queer men, or queer women can enter a polygamous relationship if they choose to.
The key is in everyone’s consent and honest communication. No two relationships are exactly the same, after all. Just like a monogamous couple might clearly define their boundaries about what cheating constitutes in their household, a polygamous couple in the dating stage can define what makes them uncomfortable and what the other people in the relationship can do to build trust.
Women--or anybody, for that matter--are no longer forced into a polygamous relationship for fear of violence or evil consequences. The polyamory and polygamy dating world is actually rooted in choice. In a way, modern polygamy flips the table on patriarchal ideals. Women are free to choose what they want, even if they are in a polygamous relationship. They may even enter a relationship with a sister wife should they desire to do so.
Renowned researcher and expert in consensual non-monogamy Dr. Elisabeth Sheff perfectly sums up the anti-patriarchal nature of polyamorous relationships in her article, “Polyamory is Deviant--But Not for the Reasons You May Think.” The three main reasons being that women are now on equal negotiating status with men, women can now pursue multiple partners if they choose to, and that polyamory forces us to ask questions like, “Why is monogamy so pressed into our society that we feel like it’s the only choice?” When it comes to polygamy, choice is front and center, so the argument that polygamy is just another form of patriarchy is extremely weak.
Is polygamy dating an abnormality only a few people practice?
It might surprise you to know that about 22% of Americans have been in a consensual non-monogamous relationship at least once (Haupert, 2016). Judging by the rising visibility of polygamous relationships in the media, this number has likely increased since the article’s publication. It’s safe to say polygamy dating and the polyamory world isn’t just an anomaly a few hundred people practice in secret.
Chances are, you know people who are in polyamorous or polygamous relationships already. Although recent legislature like Massachusetts’ broadened definition of a relationship to include households with more than two adults is a step in the right direction, polygamy representation still has a long way to go.
Polygamy dating is just an excuse for sexual experimentation
Perhaps the most common misconception of all is the inseparable connotation between polygamy dating and sexual exploration. While sexuality has a place in polyamory or polygamy, it’s usually not the only driving force for individuals seeking these types of relationships. Just like one monogamous relationship can prioritize emotional needs over sexual needs, a polygamous relationship might focus on other aspects of a healthy relationship, as well.
In fact, polyamorous dating requires even more mindful relationship building than a monogamous partnership. With multiple people to build a home or relationship with, it requires more mental, emotional, social, and sometimes even more financial effort. As a result, polygamous ties produce deeper commitments that are often harder to shake than a monogamous partnership.
This isn’t to say that every monogamous relationship is fickle, nor that every polyamorous relationship is a serious, lifelong commitment. It’s to say that critics of polygamous relationships can’t--or refuse--to look beyond the stereotype of a hypersexualized polygamous relationship. In Cathy Young’s Time article about same-sex marriage and polygamy, she argues that “..the private sexual choices of adults should not be criminalized. But they are not automatically entitled to cultural approval or societal support systems.”
This is a vast simplification of polygamy and polyamorous relationships. Again and again, articles like these reduce polygamy and polyamory to a mere sexual preference instead of a relationship choice, perpetuating the tired stereotype that consensual non-monogamy is rooted in sexual deviance.
The future of polyamory, polygamy, and polygyny
The umbrella term of polyamory and its subcategories polygamy and polygyny deserve a place in mainstream media and culture without the obvious prejudice against alternative lifestyles. Although the polygamy dating world is being acknowledged through accessible T.V. shows and docu-series, the focus is often misplaced.
In the future, we hope to be portrayed in a positive, or at the very least objective lens, instead of a side show watched with a discerning eye. For now, we’ll continue to educate and enlighten others without taking offense at deep-seated prejudices or preconceptions. After all, understanding begins with an open conversation.
Published By: Christopher Alesich
Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com
The
Ultimate Guide to Choosing Your Perfect Poly Partners
If you’re new to polyamory, potential
partners way ahead of you in the game will avoid you like the plague because
you probably have a lot to learn and they won’t have the patience. Of course,
why would they risk the emotional traumas when they can easily find themselves
a stable partner? The stakes are even higher in polygamy, which involves a
legally-binding agreement in the form of marriage.
But that’s not necessarily the case for everyone – especially not for those who go through this guide. In this guide, we’ll equip you with all you need to know to present yourself as a seasoned polyamory pro to your potential polygamy partner to make them open up easily to you.
We’ll be covering:
1. Hard facts about finding a partner
2. A checklist for finding partners
3. The best places for finding partners
Let’s dive in!
First, let’s talk about some hard facts
you need to have at the back of your mind all through your search. These facts
are immutable and non-negotiable, regardless of your circumstance. You can’t
build a solid foundation for your poly partners if you ignore them.
If straight-off the bat you go looking
for a partner with the wrong motives, you shouldn’t expect the relationship to
work for long.
For a stable, lasting relationship, you’d
want to make sure that your motives match the qualities you need in your
potential partner. It could be a total disaster if those two don’t meet. For
instance, if you’re looking for long-distance relationships, you need to look
for a partner who can accommodate your long absence.
A clear set of guidelines will help make your relationship
more predictable – especially on your own end. This will help you establish
expectations and ease anxiety in the relationship. With this guideline, you’ll
know exactly what to do in delicate situations to prevent emotional fallouts.
Here are some questions you should ask yourself when
creating your guidelines;
·
What do I generally want in this relationship?
·
What would I love to have but can do without?
·
What are things that I must have?
Use these questions to set guidelines for various
circumstances from pregnancy to sharing your living space, and safe sex
practices.
As much as you’d love for your plans for the relationship to
pan out well, you shouldn’t bank on the predictions you make about your
partner’s behaviors. It’s best to come with multiple plans and an exit strategy
to cover just about any event. You can’t dictate how they see and feel about
things, so it’s best to focus on your own actions and behaviors in your plan.
You should also prepare your mind for circumstances where
either of you changes your mind about the relationship. But sometimes, this
change occurs subtly, slowly eating up the relationship from the inside and
building into a serious breach of trust.
It’s best to keep track of any possible changes to your
relationship to minimize the damage that might occur down the line. One of the
best ways to do this is by creating a relationship playbook that you can
frequently revisit and revise whenever you feel something odd is happening.
As in every relationship, communication is the key in your
polygamous relationships. If the channels for communicating thoughts and
feelings are blocked or obstructed, the bottled-up emotions and thoughts might
be released through other channels that are not healthy for the relationship –
jealousy fits, for example.
You shouldn’t expect your ideal partner to sees eye-to-eye
with you in every issue. Rather than making you happy and at ease, a yes-yes
partner can quickly bore you out.
A little bit of variety isn’t bad for your relationship, so
you need to be prepared to court each other’s differences and agree to
disagree.
Relationship coaches can help you establish your motives and
the right qualities you should expect from your potential partner. They can
also talk to your potential partner to help you resolve any critical
differences that may fizzle out the flow of the relationship.
Now that you’re acquainted with facts
that’ll help you lay a solid foundation for your relationship, you know exactly
what your relationship should look like in general.
But you need to drill down more
specifically on the qualities of your potential partner. To help you do that,
here’s a checklist you should use when checking out potential candidates:
Some people are fine with their
partners having casual sex with others, but not with a deeply intimate
relationship – where the partner virtually sells their soul. It can be quite
dicey to gauge your jealous impulses – sometimes you need to take the plunge
and learn the hard way with a real-life situation.
If you can’t handle seeing your polygamy
partner dating others, then you can limit your search to partners who’ll make
out with other people while they’re with you. Here are some questions you
should ask yourself:
Do I feel secure about this relationship?
What level of commitment can I tolerate in my partner’s relationship with others?
Can we resolve fights easily?
Can we both agree on certain rules and goals?
It’s never
advisable to go looking for a polygamy partner in a monogamist. You and your
partner should agree on the type of relationship you want from the onset. Don’t
go in while hiding the fact that you’re looking to have a polygamous
relationship. It’s unethical and could backfire.
You’ll most
likely succeed in your relationship if you and your partner have common goals.
For starters, you and your partner need to be on the same page about the
limitations of monogamy and how to explore polyamory relationship to fill the
void.
A simple motivation
to find more love and happiness in life can keep your relationship going during
a thorny patch. For polygamous relationships, partners are usually motivated by
more tangible benefits like financial stability or ability to support certain
lifestyles.
Do you intend to quit the relationship
at a certain point in time – probably when you have kids or take on a political
office? You should make this clear from the get-go and have your partner
prepared for that eventuality.
You can also talk about your future
with them anytime you feel like the relationship is heading off the rails. You two
should be able to talk to each other comfortably about the future of the
relationship whenever something’s bothering you.
Armed with your checklist and guidelines for finding
polygamy partners and managing your emotions and behaviors, you’re now fully
equipped for your search.
Here are some of the best places you should check
out first.
One of the most renowned meeting places
for polyamorists on the web is Ashley Madison. With over 54 million users from
all works of life, you’ll have plenty of options to explore here. You can also
rest assured that the people you meet will most likely get on the same page
with you. The platform parades itself as one for the “most open-minded”
relationships. Users here range from single to married, sexually curious, and
swingers.
The site also
has a good track record of safeguarding the security and privacy of its users,
so you can feel at ease about sharing your personal information n the platform.
Feeld is another popular destination
for polygamists. However, the user base here isn’t as refined as that of Ashley
Madison or other platforms, as it’s mainly frequented by people looking for
flings and one-night-stands, not a lasting relationship.
However, with over a million users, you
still stand a good chance of finding good partners who share the same goals as
yours.
Feeld also has a bad reputation for
bugs and glitches in its app, but its website is more stable. Most web and
mobile app users enjoy a wide variety of features that connect them with
potential partners, including incognito mode, couple accounts, and group chats.
If you’re looking for a poly
relationship with fringe sexual behaviors like fetishes and BDSM, Fetlife is
right in your alley.
The site boasts over 8.5 million users
worldwide, many of whom are fervid fans of extreme fringe behaviors.
Fetlife is also integrated with
Facebook, with users allowed to share their Facebook groups, events, profiles,
and multimedia with others on the platform.
One of the
oldest dating sites on the internet, OKCupid is one of the best places where
you can find polyamory partners today.
But as a
long-established platform, OKCupid is heavily frequented by people looking for
more traditional relationships. However, given a user base of over 5 million
people, you still stand a good chance of finding polygamy partners here.
The platform’s matching system can help you quickly find potential partners, showing you people whose preferences are comparable to yours. Note, however, that polyamory users here often use emojis and code words to describe what they want, so you need to find and use these code words when searching for your partner.
This platform is also frequented by
decent, everyday people looking for poly relationships. The platform can match
you with potential partners based not only on your sexual preferences and goals
but also factors like hobbies. You might be in luck to find a polygamy partner
who not only shares your relationship goals but also shares your same hobbies.
Another advantage of using Meetup is
that their user base is spread more evenly across the nation, so you’ll have
nearly as many partners to choose from as people living in major cities.
You
don’t need to make any major lifestyle changes to prepare for your polygamy
partner. All you need to do is to come to terms with your emotions and personal
needs. Once you’ve established these, you can then set out to find a partner
who can cater to those needs. There are a plethora of places to find potential
candidates, but you need to ensure that the partner you choose is motivated
toward the same goals.
Published By: Christopher Alesich
Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com