Chris's article

Old habits are hard to break. This includes dating and lifestyle habits we’ve adopted through our years of life. It’s especially true when social pressure is a factor in forming the life that is expected of us. 

Millions of people are in marriages that aren’t necessarily unhappy, but feel like something is missing. Millions are also single and can’t seem to find the love life that really works for them. It’s not a result of people being insufficient or incapable of healthy relationships, rather it’s a result of adhering to illogical limitations we tend to force on each other. The mere mention of a polygamous family or polyamorous group of lovers too often garners reactions more suited to criminal behavior. 

Why so many people insist on holding everyone to a standard that fails so often is a mystery for the ages. If you have considered exploring polygamy or polyamory, don’t give up on the idea just because you’re getting up in years. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how many wonderful people you’ll meet. Even if you, and your current partner if you have one, never get involved with anyone else beyond friendship, you can still gain a wealth of experience you won’t regret.

The sooner the better is certainly true in many facets of life. If you had washed a sink full of dishes yesterday you wouldn’t be adding to the pile today. Humans have a tendency to find comfort in complacency. While there is certainly nothing wrong with a ‘bless this mess’ attitude in life, finding ways to progress and accomplish goals effectively leads to greater happiness. Is your marriage on the rocks even though you love each other dearly? Are you ignoring problems in order to keep the peace? 

Dating someone else together might be exactly what you need. It provides an adventure into something new to share, a new perspective, new energy, and possibly a whole new piece that’s been missing from your life together. If you’re single and cannot find a person that makes you feel complete in a relationship, perhaps it’s time to give an existing couple a chance? There is no one size fits all when it comes to matters of the heart.

A modernized version of polygamy has been gaining appeal in recent years, largely due to TV shows and other media depicting very ‘normal’ 

families living a polygamous lifestyle. Looking for a sister wife or looking to become a sister wife has become far easier with online options and greater acceptance socially. For women that find the idea of a lifetime serving one husband lonely, becoming a sister wife can be a dream come true. Polygamy offers the option for her to have more than one husband as well, if she were to choose that direction. If you’re part of a happy couple, or single with a lot to offer, don’t let your age stand in the way of offering a good home to a good person (or

people) that can be a great asset to your life. Even if you’re not comfortable revealing the nature of your poly relationship publicly, it’s your business, and all your joy to gain.

Polyamorous and polygamy dating can be complicated if you’re unable to keep a light heart about it in the beginning. An existing couple can’t treat every person they meet like they’re ‘the one,’ just like a single person can’t get too hung up on every couple they meet. It can be tough because the dating pool is a bit smaller, but don’t jump into a poly situation just for the sake of it. Treat poly dating like it’s something fun and let relationships evolve naturally. Showing too much interest too quickly can cause rifts in existing relationships as well, so be mindful of your affections. Keep calm and carry on, as they say. True love and happiness cannot be forced.

So far, we’ve discussed considering poly and polygamy dating as a relevant option for people that are just no longer young pups. What about people that are getting into what we consider the elderly years? 

Relationships for the older generation serve different purposes than for younger people. Considering the increasing need for help in everyday life as we age, polyamory is a wonderful option for elderly people. 

Imagine a family of 7 all over 70 years in age. The laughs they would share alone would make life pure joy. Beyond that, each of them using their ability to help each other maintain health and longevity is a perfect solution for the dwindling capacities that come with age. The older generation right now might be the hardest to convince, yet they stand to benefit the most. Younger generations today will be able to experience the benefits of sharing love and life with multiple people as they age far more commonly, and we should be thankful for it. Not to get too dark, but imagine not having to be so alone when you lose a loved one. Life throws a lot of difficult times our way. Facing the hard times with multiple lovers committed to your happiness can carry you smoothly through the darkness and back to the light.

Again, love is not a one size fits all concept. Lovers and relationships will come and go, marriages will fail or last, and many people will never consider polygamy or polyamory a viable option. Some people are happy to embrace complacency because change can be big and scary. Change is a little scary, progress is often difficult, and growth doesn’t come without growing pains. Getting past fear will be one of life’s greatest accomplishments if you achieve it. Building a polyamorous love life, or family, will take work and might feel impossible at times. However, if you’re one of the people that feels the poly lifestyle would work for you, embrace your good fortune and never be afraid to start exploring.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc:

Polyamorous families were handed a huge victory this year in Somerville, Massachusetts. The city, in an effort to expand access to healthcare and solutions during a crisis, broadened the definition of domestic partnerships to include families with more than two adults. This is an important step and it happened in a state that tends to be a leader in championing rights to legally maintain relationships that happen to fall outside of societal ‘norms.’ Massachusetts was the first state to legalize gay marriage back in 2004. It took more than a decade for the rest of the country to catch up, many states by force, when gay marriage was declared legal by the Supreme Court in June of 2015. The fascinating aspect of this new approach to domestic partnerships is the lack of insistence on defining your relationship at all. The drafter of the ordinance, Lance Davis, explained that “I don’t think it is the place of the government to tell people what is or is not a family. Defining families is something that historically we’ve gotten quite wrong as a society.” Legalizing polyamory is really legalizing love in all forms. 

Are we on the verge of a new civil rights movement?

The legacy of polygamy in the United States sours many people on the idea of plural marriage or families. It’s understandable when considering religious based polygamous families tended to be more about control than love. Finding or becoming a sister wife historically was not about freedom of choice like it most often is today. The strange practice of marrying off young teenage girls to an adult male, and believing it was God’s will, is rightfully outlawed and viewed as despicable. It’s unfair, however, to place modern polygamists and other polyamorous people in the same box as these unsavory groups of the past. 

Modern polyamory and polygamy are entirely different concepts based on everyone’s basic right to pursue whatever life with the people they love is right for them. People are starting to look at monogamy often with as much mistrust as monogamous people find with the idea of polyamory. If justice can play out in coming years, the worst aspects of monogamy will stop being hidden, or swept under a rug, and we can move away from the patriarchal stronghold we’ve been under for centuries.

Imagine a world where heterosexual, homosexual, monogamous, or polyamorous relationships are not promoted or denounced. Society can reach a place where sexuality and relationships are a free space to explore the right things for each individual. Sexual intimacy doesn’t even need to be a factor, especially when it comes to the people we may choose as a life partner. One exciting factor in Somerville’s decision to recognize polyamorous families is it’s recognition that family is to be defined by individuals, therefore the nature of your domestic partnership is of no consequence under the new ordinance. For years we’ve told everyone that a family can only be one man, one woman, and however many kids they decide to have. The ‘nuclear family’ concept is promoted as the ideal while all other family structures are deemed somehow inferior, or even harmful. Correcting our approach to defining families will save many people from the soul crushing notion of failure that’s difficult to avoid when you aren’t considered ‘normal.’

As much as this new law will pull many families up out of ‘hiding,’ it won’t change as much as people might think. These families existed anyway. That’s the funny thing when laws exist to promote or punish people for loving and living certain ways, they only cause harm while producing almost none of the desired results. It’s better to embrace the reality that relationships and families will always be diverse. They come in all shapes and sizes. If you’re turned off by the idea of polygamy dating, consider this, isn’t it better to accept it rather than sending people off into isolation to do it anyway? Men that are seeking a sister wife aren’t inherently bad by nature (like some might assume) and a woman wanting to be a sister wife is no different than a woman wanting any kind of family of her own. It’s all natural and can be healthy if society can promote honest living instead of forcing everyone into limiting boxes. Polygamous families and polyamorous families will find better protection when they can be part of the mainstream, both legally and personally. The strange cults marrying underage girls to old men didn’t develop naturally. They came from being pushed into isolation and from a few bad seeds taking advantage of communities that either felt helpless or developed Stockholm Syndrome from years of living under such conditions.

Polygamy isn’t likely to get a stronghold in modern culture as much as general polyamory will. That’s also where we’ll find the most progress although we should be sure to include polygamy in the conversation. 

Plural  marriages are just a legal contract away from being the same thing as a poly family. Polyamorous dating has been growing fast in popularity so more and more people are becoming familiar with it and are no longer suspicious about it. Most people under 40 probably know at least one polyamorous family. Ultimately, the overall push needs to focus on offering some kind of recognition and equal treatment for any relationship two or more people decide to form in order to get through life together. Many relationships don't feel a need for any government recognition, but the day will come that it will be vital to protect the legal interests of your loved ones. Legal challenges from conservative groups are very likely in Somerville. It’s definitely a developing story to watch. Whatever the outcome is for now, they’ve opened a door that can’t be closed again. It’s time for all poly minded people and their supporters to start speaking out for fair treatment under the law, whatever that may turn out to be.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

The world feels like it’s crumbling all around us these days. Heat waves, pestilence, civil unrest, and political disillusionment has everyone either feeling helpless, or ready to scream at the top of their lungs! Never in recent history have we had to isolate in our homes en masse to avoid a deadly pandemic. We’ve had our share of civil unrest and terrible politicians over the years, but the current leaders and situation in the US seems to be hopelessly dysfunctional. While it’s important not to put our heads in the sand and ignore reality, it’s also unhealthy not to take a break from the madness. A road trip is a perfect escape if you and your polyamorous or polygamous family are fortunate enough to have the time and money to make one happen. Some basic planning and precautions can keep you all safe without sacrificing any of the fun or intimate moments a road trip so readily provides.

In a time of pandemic safety preparations are imperative. Finding a new sister wife or poly lover isn’t impossible, but spending more time with current partners is usually a better idea. There are always safety measures needed for poly people to keep each other safe, but be sure to implement enhanced precautions according to guidelines set by the CDC and other health organizations. Currently, social distancing and masks are effective in slowing the spread of Covid-19. If 14 day quarantine periods or other precautions are doable it may be reasonable to even include a new partner for your poly road trip. Assess the risk wisely and be prepared.

Once who is safe to come along is determined it’s time to plan the destination and route. Normally you might look for cities or regions where polyamory or polygamy are common so you can connect with like-minded people, but current circumstances are not normal. Seeking a polygamous family to spend a weekend learning from would only put you both in danger. It’s better to avoid visiting people, stay away from dense population centers, be mindful of ‘hot zones,’ avoid enclosed public spaces as much as possible, and stay away from crowds. Plan your route according to whatever restrictions might be in place in each region. If you live in Florida it’s best to not drive to New York this summer because a mandatory 14 day quarantine will really put a damper on a fun vacation. You might even designate one person to get out to refill gas and buy road snacks at each stop along the way to reduce exposure risks. Looking for stops that aren’t crowded in the first place is even better. Destinations that are a bit remote are also a good idea this summer. Maybe consider doing that long trail hike you’ve been considering for years. Anything to keep the number of people you’ll encounter lower, and increase time spent outdoors, will help.

Consider accommodations with safety in mind. You don’t spend so much time and energy looking for poly relationships just to end up sick from poor accommodation choices! There is some uncertainty about the safety of recycled air. Enough of the coronavirus may be able to pass through the filtering to get people sick, especially with prolonged exposure. 

It’s recommended to bring your own bed linens and only stay in rooms with a dedicated air conditioning system. Open all doors and windows to the unit with the air conditioner left on for about 20 minutes in order to clear any lingering virus before staying in the room for any extended period of time. The less busy a hotel or motel is the better. In fact, campgrounds are likely the best option, especially if you have an RV. 

Any option that offers minimal social contact is preferred. Don’t even think about vacationing in a hot zone right now.

All of this talk about a pandemic seems like it should be enough, but it’s not. Welcome to the year 2020, which is being endearingly referred to as the year of the dumpster fire. Seeking sister wives, poly lovers, polygamous or poly families is such a beautiful life that the realities we face in today's world seem impossible, but alas, we’re amidst a crisis. Civil unrest is an unavoidable result of injustice and progress. 

It’s very likely that your poly family is directly affected by injustice itself. People of color, however, bear the brunt of injustice in too many parts of the world today. It’s not impossible to show your support while still being able to get away to recharge and unwind. Pay attention to current events in cities and regions along your route in order to avoid interfering with important movements and possibly putting yourself, or others, in danger. If you do encounter protesters remember that cooler heads prevail. There is no reason not to show your support. 

Most of the time you’ll find demonstrators to be peaceful and willing to lend a helping hand. Don’t get wrapped up in media hype or frustration. 

Be a part of the solution.

Polyamorous people are full of love, which is exactly what the world needs more of today. Unfortunately, much of that love has to be from a distance, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. While poly and polygamy dating are a bit more complicated right now, poly people can use this time to strengthen their existing relationships by being present for each other even more than usual. Finding safe ways to get away and build stronger connections to each other can help prepare us for a better world in the near future. We will learn and grow from everything happening this year so far. We’ll look back on 2020 as a very difficult and scary time, but not every memory has to be a bad one. Get out and make some good memories while you can!

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

The year 2020 is showing us how quickly the world around us can crumble. 

Our political machines are being tested to their limits, a pandemic is revealing a terrifying aversion to discomfort even when it’s for safety, and centuries of racial injustice are coming to a head in streets around the world. Of course, with so many major issues we’re facing head-on, personal relationships are being tested as well. People are being blocked on social media at alarming rates and disparate feelings about current events are causing folks to choose a side while vehemently rejecting all others. One could say the year 2020 was the year ‘social harmony’ was dealt its final blows. Where we end up after all of this is a mystery. There are forces trying to maintain the status quo and insisting the pandemic is being blown out of proportion, racial injustice is already improving so just be patient, and politics have always been dirty. On the other hand many insist that it’s simply respectful to protect yourself and others by wearing a mask and isolating, there should be no peace until we have racial justice, and it’s high time we address the dirty politicians and corporate interests that have hijacked governments around the world. No matter where you stand on or between these issues your beliefs are being challenged today. What if someone you love holds strong opinions that are in complete opposition to yours? How do you reconcile two polar opposite belief and value systems? When might it be time to walk away, if ever?

It’s normal to have disagreements with someone you love. To expect anyone to agree with everything you think is absurd. Often we’re able to use a little humor to smooth over our differences and maintain healthy relationships. That’s not so easy when opposing attitudes about a deadly pandemic can literally lead to becoming infected. Poly families need to discuss where they stand concerning their overall health and what risks are acceptable to everyone involved. If you’ve recently become a sister wife or are pursuing being a sister wife watch for the ways your family of interest handles decisions that affect the whole family. Getting away from a poorly managed family is easier to do before you’re too deeply involved. Same goes for anyone new to a polyamorous situation. True love means not putting you at risks you’re not comfortable taking. Once you’re already involved you might have to keep a little distance from a lover that isn’t willing to ensure your safety. If two in your family are serious about masks, social distancing, and isolating when necessary, but one or more are out partying like it’s 2019 there is no shame in avoiding contact while a deadly virus is spreading like wildfire. It doesn’t have to be a breakup. True love can operate via video messaging and chats if it means respecting safety boundaries. If a lover isn’t willing to make it work, and keep you feeling safe, it might be time to reconsider the title of ‘lover’ for this person.

Issues involving social justice are a bit more complicated. If a member of your polyamorous or polygamous family is part of a group facing the injustice there is only one answer to how to proceed. You let them take the lead. Listen to them, support them, protect them, and do the things you can to help correct the injustice. If someone in your family feels passionate about issues concerning social injustice don’t dismiss their attempts to share their passion. If they are in opposition to any group struggling for justice it gets a little hairy. You have to ask a few questions. What are their core beliefs on race and where do they come from? Are they actually racist? If yes, this is a problem. Or, do they just not grasp the struggle of certain groups of people due to a lack of exposure? There are a lot of viewpoints to come from on this issue and it’s important to make sure your loved ones do not come from a position rooted in racism or hate. If they do, and refuse to investigate their feelings with a heart open to change, it’s time to start asking more questions. Would you be willing to defend their beliefs or actions? Are you willing to earn the reputation of either condoning or supporting these beliefs or actions? Is the situation safe or is this person militant in the opposition of another group of people? If you can’t calm them or keep them from aggression the only healthy option is to get away. If it’s all armchair politics it can be safe enough to simply push them to change, but don’t stick around for someone you know is crazy for fear of being alone.

So then we come to general politics. Politics and religion are two things we should never talk about, right? Well, if you are looking for a new sister wife, or are a woman looking for a polygamous family, you certainly need to discuss these things. General polyamorous dating can be a bit more open to opposing religious and political views, but polygamy dating often requires more cohesion in order to build a harmonious family. Your best bet is to not shy away from religion and politics when looking for possible long term intimacy. You don’t want to get involved with someone that will require you to renounce your personal values in order to validate the way they and/or their family have always done things. Is it okay for a devout atheist to date a devout Christian? It could be. Is it healthy? Very likely not. The sense of camaraderie needed for healthy relationships would be hard to muster. 

However, many people have lighter religious beliefs and are perfectly capable of dating outside of their personal faith. Religion is only being mentioned this much because it has a big part in shaping political views. Politics and religion in the poly and polygamy dating world can be awkward, but don’t shy away from them. If you’ve found yourself with someone you love, but cannot stand their views, there are other ways to satisfy your personal needs. Find groups that share your beliefs. Get involved in your community to help bring positive change. Spend more time with lovers that share more in common. If you can’t do these things because one lover makes it difficult, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.

Perfect harmony is a lovely concept and it’s pursuit is noble, but it can only be a journey rather than a destination. We will never have a world of perfection and our relationships will always face struggles. 

Some from within and some from the outside world's interference. Having a polygamous family or a polyamorous group to lean on is a true blessing when life and situations get tough. Molding your group or family into one of harmony is an unending effort that might require a few difficult choices along the way. No matter how much you may love a person, if they are affecting your life, or your family's life, in negative ways you cannot stand by and watch everything you’ve built fall apart. People evolve and sometimes into someone you no longer recognize. If efforts to pull them back from the abyss are unsuccessful your poly family has to protect itself. Don’t be insensitive, don’t be unforgiving, and don’t give up too easily, but especially don’t leave rotted fruit to spoil everything it touches.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Growing old is bittersweet. Not everyone gets the opportunity and it comes with difficulties you once couldn’t even imagine. The old phrase “I’m not as good as I once was,” comes to mind. On the other hand, the years of experience provides invaluable wisdom you can share with those willing to slow down and listen. You’ve loved, you’ve lost, and were able to persist. As polyamory becomes more common it’s inevitable future elderly generations will face evolving needs and expectations based on their intimate relationships with multiple partners. An abundance of love will certainly provide for a happy life, but can lead to circumstances that will need pre-planning along with intellectual and emotional preparation. Life is complicated enough for two people sharing life. Add multiple partners in the mix and potential complications grow exponentially.

Preparing for the loss of a loved one when you have multiple partners means finding the right amount of space and the right amount of support for everyone surviving. If the entire plural relationship functions as one family it’s wonderful to lean on each other, but vital to be prepared to accept the different ways in which people grieve. Leaning on your lover is a good thing. Trying to be your lovers therapist, or them being your therapist, is a very bad thing. Grief counseling needs to be a completely unrestrained and open process where any qualms or resentments can come out and be discussed with no risk of creating issues with surviving lovers. If you are a sister wife, maybe you felt your husband neglected you while he looked for a new sister wife, and you have a weird sense of relief now that she is gone. Maybe you were the new sister wife and felt like an intruder because the sister wife that passed never seemed to really embrace you. People can live with feelings like this and maintain a healthy life and relationships, but when unresolved feelings go to a grave they can haunt you. Many plural relationships have little imperfections you may need help forgiving in yourself or someone you love.

Death is not the only challenge for aging polyamorous people. Poly and polygamy dating don’t always lead to a legal marriage, or marriage at all. When laws are set against your plural relationship it can be difficult to guarantee everyone involved can grow old together and enjoy the rights and protections monogamous people simply expect. Too often, when a woman becomes a sister wife, she will have relatives that refuse to recognize her family as valid and they’ll be willing to ‘prove’ their point legally if given the opportunity. If there is discord in the relationship two people with a legal marriage contract can cause great harm to others involved, but without any legal ties to the relationship. 

Countless gay people have lost everything when a lover died historically because the family of the deceased could swoop in and use the courts to keep their relatives money and property. Legalizing gay marriage changed the lives of millions for the better. No movement to legalize plural marriage seems to be gaining any steam which means polyamorous people are left at a higher risk of having the carpet pulled from under them. 

There are even situations where poly people, especially polygamists, can get into legal trouble due to the nature of the family they’re building. 

Granted, there are some bad apples in the polygamy world, but most poly minded people are living harmless and productive lives. It’s important to investigate laws in your region then take the necessary legal steps to ensure your poly family is protected. It will make growing old together a far less scary process.

When you’ve organized your poly life and family and begin to grow older the unique challenges that stem from plural relationships will be sure to arise. Imagine a busy husband deciding he wants to seek a new sister wife while the three he already has can’t imagine enduring the process of growing their family again. Think of three lovers that have always chosen to live separately then two of them decide to live together while the third remains in their own place. As we get older the option of living alone can easily be removed. There has to be an openness to change. On top of all of these scenarios is the fact that polyamorous people are able to date potential new lovers no matter how old they and their partners are becoming. Some can see this as refusing to ever settle into a more peaceful life, but the truth is that polyamory is natural right along with the desire for human connection. Meeting new people and experiencing new energy can keep you younger, healthier, and happier in the long run. Never letting go of, and always respecting, the polyamorous nature of your love life and partners is the only way to maintain a life full of love and joy.

Aging doesn’t have to be a scary process, though there will be scary moments as our bodies ache and wear down. If you have been blessed by choosing a polyamorous or polygamous life remember that you’ve given yourself the gift of a life so full of love you sometimes can’t even handle all of it. A little preparation goes a long way in ensuring the security and well-being of any family, especially an alternative family. 

Choosing to be a sister wife, or to join any type of polyamorous family, can be the best choice you’ve ever made if approached with logic and care. Don’t fool yourself into thinking everything will always work out fine. You and the people you love deserve as many guarantees in life as you can find. Never let go of the light that started your poly life by placing nefarious limits on yourself or lover. Keep your open mind and heart that will allow your relationship to exist and evolve organically. 

You’ll find as you get older that the more you try to force something that isn’t going to work, the more frustrating and difficult to let go it will become. Be patient with yourself and others, especially lovers, and let the aging process carry you gently to a peaceful end.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Timing can make or break many things, including relationships. Moving too fast, too slow, or not at all can send mixed signals or add too much strain on a relationship. It’s nice to believe that when people love each other they can trust their mutual affection to compensate for poor planning, but it won’t for long. There are no rules to follow that will guarantee success, but there are general concepts to embrace that will encourage healthier choices and behaviors. Never be ashamed of falling too hard for love. Instead, harness the power of love and use it as motivation to improve in all aspects of life. Once you build better decision making habits you’ll find yourself becoming an expert at timing, patience, and knowing when to take a leap of faith.

A concept everyone needs to understand is known as ‘New Relationship Energy,’ or NRE. It occurs when you meet someone you’re really into and they are also really into you. It’s exciting! Your hormones go crazy, serotonin spikes come every time you see each other, and you literally are building an addiction to each other. The sudden validation and acceptance compensates for years of yearning or loneliness and you can’t imagine not having this person in your life. Understanding NRE doesn’t mean you need to avoid it or fight it. It simply gives you the tools to approach new relationships with some level headed perspective. Everyone is on their best behavior with someone new, including yourself. You’re presenting the best possible version of yourself in order to win your new love completely over, and so are they. With a little care, new relationships can completely immerse themselves in the beautiful NRE without making life changing decisions before they really know each other. Far too many people blindly follow their revved up emotions and end up in painful situations that could strip away every ounce of love you had for a person. Use your head to tame your heart!

NRE is not unique to heterosexual monogamous situations. If you’ve been looking for a sister wife or trying to become a sister wife for years you’ll be in for a rush of intense passion when you’ve discovered a woman or family that would work for you. In fact, polyamorous people are fortunate to be able to expeience the energy of new relationships multiple times in life. Polygamous families and poly groups are priviledged to grow their loving family as expansive as they’d like. 

Even so, it’s equally important for everyone to take it easy and get the timing right. Remember the old phrase about one bad apple? Keep that in mind.

Pay close attention to life situations and motivations. An extreme example of a terrible situation that would only work so well in a movie is the story in ‘Pretty Woman.’ It’s perfectly acceptable to love the movie and embrace the value of accepting all people as they are, but one shouldn’t be fooled into looking to hookers as viable options for a relationship. Could it happen? Sure. Will it? Almost always a big NO. 

Assuming you aren’t dating a hooker, there are other life circumstances and motivating factors that should raise red flags. It’s not reasonable to expect everyone to have their life completely together, but a person that is a complete wreck is likely to take advantage of your stability. 

They might not even intend to. They may have the best of intentions. The fact is, people that aren’t somewhere near the same level of a playing field will drag someone down far more than the other can drag them up. 

Maybe you’re okay with that? Do what you want, but do it with full knowledge of what you’re getting into.

Don’t shy away from background checks. A checkered past shouldn’t necessarily disqualify a person from joining a polygamous family or polyamorous group, but it should certainly influence the decision for everyone involved. If you meet someone claiming they’ve never been married and are thrilled to finally become a sister wife then find they’ve already had three failed marriages, well, something isn’t right. 

Someone with a drug problem might sincerely fall in love with you and your current partners, but you can almost guarantee they can easily fall in love with their drug of choice again any time. It’s a thing that will need to be addressed and monitored before all of your jewelry or expensive electronics suddenly disappear. It’s not about refusing to forgive people. It’s about managing risk and assessing whether or not the possible negative outcomes are worth it.

Spending ample time with friends outside of your intimate relationships or marriage is vital to maintaining perspective and avoiding foolish choices. Friends with no personal interest in your affairs can tell you what your relationships look like from the outside. Good friends won’t disparage you for falling in love, but they will pull you down to earth if they notice red flags you seem to be missing. You need friends that are not involved intimately (beyond friendship) with your polygamous family or polyamorous group. Poly and Polygamy dating, or expanding any polyamorous group, is complicated and it’s far too easy to be blinded by NRE. In fact, if all of your current partners are blind to red flags because you’re all drunk on love you could reinforce each other's urges to make poor choices. Established relationships deserve extreme care to prevent damage. A new lover needs to be vetted and tested by a little time before making moves or commitments.

Love is supposed to be fun. It’s exciting! Running around like teenagers with a new love is natural and healthy. It would be nice if we never had to grow up and pain never affected us so deeply, but we’ve all been hurt and know that’s just not the way it is. We have to protect our hearts and our lives while leaving ourselves open to new love and change as poly minded people. Greatness, like polyamorous relationships, comes with challenges. Part of our openness needs to include acceptance of criticism and ears willing to listen to advice from people that care about you. Do your homework, don’t neglect your existing life or friends, and use New Relationship Energy to accomplish big things for yourself and your loved ones. When these things become a part of your routine you’ll always know when it’s time to make all the right moves in life and love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

At the very core of policies limiting the nature of the relationships you may choose in life is a gross overreach of power. Looking back through history you’ll find the origins of modern laws concerning marriage and love weren’t always well intended. Some served a good purpose in addressing problems in their respective era, but most are about controlling and limiting one or all people involved. The idea of forcing any loving relationships to live in secretive or gray areas in order to avoid legal consequences is truly unconscionable as the ability to define the love people share has no need for outside interference. 

Pushing to legalize all reasonable forms of intimate relationships is an important cause if we hope for a happier, more fulfilling, future with more control of our own destiny.

One of the top so-called ‘taboos’ that comes to mind is polygamy. 

Everyone knows the horror stories about young girls being forced to marry a man that could even be older than her father, or women living under the strict control of a cruel husband. There are sociopaths out there that will use plural marriage as a form of control over women in their community. It’s unfortunate this seems to be the face of polygamy to the general public rather than the more accurate reality of thousands of happy group marriages. When a woman is allowed to choose becoming a sister wife it completely changes the nature of the marriage. Same for men, really. Rather than following arbitrary religious orders to marry multiple women a man can choose to seek sister wives with the purest of intentions. When polygamy is viewed with an eye for truth it’s clear it can be a path for any loving group to express their commitment to each other. So, why is it illegal? Why aren’t there more laws protecting individuals from dangerous people rather than strict laws forbidding a perfectly healthy way of life?

Taking power away from women has been a long tradition. Marriage itself has more roots in ownership and business dealings than love. Marrying off your daughter was a way to gain wealth, status, or even create alliances between families or even nations. For the most part, until fairly recent times, a woman’s choice for a husband wasn’t even a slight consideration. This tradition continues in far too many places to this today. Dowry’s are exchanged, contracts are made, and teenage girls are used as bargaining chips. Somehow, this behavior has fallen under less legal scrutiny than a group of three or more adults wishing to obtain a plural marriage contract with each other. Polygamy is viewed as favoring patriarchal power when the term doesn’t refer to gender at all. It simply defines any marriage involving more than two people. Polygyny and Polyandry are the gender specific descriptors nobody ever seems to mention! Polygamy is also not exclusive to any sexual preference. Anyone in the LGBTQ community involved in a committed relationship with more than one other person is engaging in polygamous dating or behavior. The fact they can’t express their commitment by marriage to all of their loving partners is yet another discriminatory and outdated policy.

There are efforts underway to at least decriminalize polygamy. This article is focused on the United States where polygamy is illegal in all

50 states. Utah is the only state that has adjusted the law thus far, and only recently, to reduce the severity of punishment down to the equivalent of a traffic ticket. It’s better than nothing, but a drop in the bucket of the changes likely to occur over the next decade as an entire generation entering their mid-life holds far more open views about individual rights concerning their personal relationships and sexual preferences. This rundown of polygamy policies around the world are interesting in that they show no nation in the world allows a woman to have more than one husband, yet many allow a man more than one wife. 

Sexism is alive and real. Part of the modern action to update marriage laws to allow polygamy is also an effort to correct the sexist roots of marriage laws overall. Women deserve justice for the way their mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers, and ancestors were treated just the same as the LGBTQ community deserves for their horrifying treatment both past and present. Part of that justice is making the world safer and more fair for everyone.

Part of making the world safer and more fair includes protecting monogamy right along with polygamy by ensuring the respect of people involved in either form of marriage. Granting equal rights to your fellow citizens does not mean reducing your own. If a friend expresses their desire to find sister wives or a polygamous husband to marry. 

Treat her the same as your friends that latched onto the first handsome fella they could find to marry and be his only wife. If a buddy mentions interest in finding a husband and a wife don’t blow up and tell him that’s sick or crazy. Help him find good options. There is no harm in adults engaging in consensual relationships of any form as long as they are involved by their own safe and healthy choice. The focus of the law should change to ensuring protecting people in dangerous or difficult situations. Offering mechanisms to safely report abuse and programs to help get away from abusers is far more important than telling a woman she shouldn’t look at other women sexually if she already has a husband. 

Why do we think the sexuality of others is any of our business?

The world is changing. There will be ups and downs while sometimes we feel we’re just taking three steps forward then two steps back. Progress is gradual and difficult. The fact is that polygamy is gaining a foothold as people realize it’s the polyamorous answer to marriage. As those people choose to express their commitment to their multiple lovers through plural marriage and realize the law doesn’t allow it they’ll begin fighting for their right to live as they choose and be treated equally under the law. This is already happening and the numbers will continue to grow. The legal safeguards and benefits offered through a marriage contract should not be privy to only heterosexual monogamous people. As we move into a better future remember to respect the choices of others while demanding respect for your own as well. Be the beautiful poly person that can help spread the word about how wonderful the lifestyle can be.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Gender roles and power structures have been hot button issues for a few decades as the world has been shifting away from being primarily a patriarchy. These topics can trigger charged emotional responses from people that cannot comprehend a world less focused on gender and male dominance. Progress never lacks opposition. It can be difficult to justify some of the results of more gender role fluidity and fewer ‘nuclear families.’ Seeing a friend transition to another gender can feel uneasy, even deceitful to some. How can they be certain they won’t regret it? If nothing else, knowing how they may be treated by the world can be heartbreaking. Kids being raised with no male, or no female, parental influence do frequently experience developmental difficulties. 

These things may never have any simple answers. As gender and patriarchy have evolved and weakened in importance, polyamory and polygamy have been gaining traction, and in these lifestyles we may find a lot of answers.

Think about what an intimate relationship really is. At the core it is simply people that care deeply for each other and have agreed to share life in some way. Sex is a nice bonus, but doesn’t always need to be a major factor in maintaining a healthy companionship. In fact, as we get older, sex becomes less important in life overall. At least for most people. Labels like girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, and wife are labels that can be used to make it easy for others to comprehend your relationship. However, none of these labels are absolutely necessary to define the nature of any of your life partnerships. If you really think about it, everyone is already polyamorous. The term has nothing to do with your chosen sex partners. We are moving into an era in which people are being allowed to take more control over the ways they choose to live and express their love.

Consider a woman that wants to become a sister wife. She may be sexually attracted to men and women, or only men, and she may even prefer male leadership in a family either way. As she seeks the polygamous family that’s right for her she has a responsibility to express her real desires and intentions to candidates. A feminist that enjoys sexual intimacy with women, but doesn’t consider herself a lesbian, shouldn’t get involved with a polygamous family that won’t allow for sex among the sister wives and views the husband as the central authority. Before making judgments about any of these people, remind yourself that there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any of them. They can only be wrong if they are not living honestly and assuring the relationships they maintain contribute to the happiness of everyone involved. The poly movement is not about discrediting the value of tradition, it’s about ensuring people are free to choose the right things for themselves. In fact, polygamy itself suggests a more traditional commitment element within relationships.

Polyamory is more open to interpretation than polygamy. It opens the door for people to explore the relationships that really make them tick. 

It lets them choose the power structures in their relationships and frees them to explore intimacy with anyone they choose, regardless of gender. Obviously, a person’s sexuality will have a major influence on the partners with whom they choose to explore these things. However, as relationships evolve to reflect real human yearnings it’s likely some our intimate relationships won’t involve sex at all. On the other hand, it’s also likely people will eventually not be so stubborn about their sexual orientation. Poly ‘families’ of all sexual orientations sharing life and love shows a lot of promise in resolving many problems couples and individuals face today.

When a group of people decide to form a loving bond they are also committing to building each other up in life. If there are kids involved they’ll have multiple adult influences helping them through the maze of childhood and adolescence. Gender roles and positions of authority can be adjustable according to abilities and needs within the group. It could almost be viewed as a commune-like structure where everyone is contributing to the best of their evolving abilities. Multiple lines of income will keep the family from falling behind as many couples and individuals do today. The unconditional love and support from multiple sources can keep mental health in check. Letting each partner lead with the things they are best equipped to handle will help avoid so many of the downfalls it’s easy to encounter in life. Naturally, having five people on your team will be better than only two.

Not all of these possibilities work for everyone, and that’s okay. Some people will never have a sexual interest in someone of the same sex or opposite sex. Many very traditional polygamists will always want a male lead family and sister wives that will only be involved with him as their husband. Some people will never be able to handle someone that transitions from one gender to another. Not evolving with the world around you doesn’t inherently make you wrong or bad. The way you respond determines that. Especially within the poly community, it’s vitally important that we respect every relationship we encounter. Their reasons to be together have nothing to do with you.

If a friend expresses an interest in someone or something you’re not familiar with, support them. It’s better to listen, accept, and be available if anything goes wrong than to try and enforce your views on anyone. If a buddy mentions he joined a polygamy dating site, talk to him openly about it. If a friend expresses discomfort with their birth gender, help them sort through those feelings and make the healthiest decision. If your lifelong girlfriend decides to explore polygamy and what it means to be a sister wife, hold her hand for the journey. 

Allowing people to form the bonds and love lives they truly desire isn’t hurting anyone. It’s helping. If you can’t help them find their true loves, at least don’t stand in their way.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Poly Love, Not Double Standards

There’s an old saying which is rarely used today, but it’s meaning remains every bit as valid. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” Essentially it refers to treating people the same as you’d like to be treated, but it goes further in suggesting you should have the same expectations as others expect of you. Think about a time a rule was explicitly enforced on you while you watched someone else blatantly ignore the rule then suffer no consequence for it. It’s common in the workplace. A co-worker befriends a member of management and comes in a few minutes late almost every day, but never is a word spoken of it. You come in late twice in one week and end up with a verbal warning, or worse. It’s an unfortunate tendency in human nature. For my friends, the world. Everyone else, the rules. Double standards in the workplace are frustrating, but typically there are resources to correct the situation. Double standards at home, or in intimate relationships, are far more complex. Relationships don’t have written rules so it’s up to each participant to set expectations and standards and stick to them. Here are a few ways to avoid power imbalances and double standards in your poly relationship. 

Sticking with workplace examples to make the next point. At work there is usually a manager to oversee operations, ensure employees are performing up to par, and implement disciplinary action when needed. This is not how intimate relationships should work. Everyone involved in a relationship is a ‘manager’ of that relationship and should be treated as such. Even if you’re into power play, or other similar kink, it should not be the guiding principle of your day to day relationship. Indulge yourself, but don’t lose yourself. When you invite a new person into your existing relationship, you are fully welcoming their input about relationship structure and expectations. When a polygamous man finds a new sister wife, she needs to be equal to any existing wives. There are some areas where trust has to be developed, naturally, but no efforts should be made to thwart a new member of your poly group from expressing themselves to the fullest. If your desire is to limit or control others, it’s not love you’re after. 

Even in the world of polyamorous relationships there is a surprising amount of unreasonable jealousy. I’ve lost count of the number of times poly friends have expressed that they want to date other people, but want their partner to only be with them. This is usually expressed with full knowledge that it’s ridiculous, but is a real feeling nonetheless. In a world with too many people clinging to the idea of relationships as a form of possession, it’s not easy to break the habit. In order to grow a polygamous family or polyamorous group there has to be an environment that encourages dating and free expression. Patriarchal structures add a layer of difficulty to this concept. In a polygamous family, usually it’s only the husband that dates prospective new sister wives. The only way to justify this is by ensuring each current wife is happy with the arrangement and knows she is also free to start dating if she ever wants to. Some people will balk at this idea, but don’t forget, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. It’s only fair. Marriage, of any type, stopped being about possession decades ago. Love is what keeps people together. Don’t poison it with a double standard based on your inability to trust. 

Trust is such a trigger word. It’s hard to maintain, easy to lose, and is required for healthy relationships in every aspect of life. We will stop going to a restaurant after years of enjoying the place based on one bad experience. We’ll convince ourselves to drive two miles out of the way for something we need because an employee at the local shop had a bad day once and was rude. Trust is complicated. There is no easier time to employ a double standard than when we feel our trust has been tested. In situations with the local shop or restaurant the only damage our pettiness will cause is a little less business they likely won’t even notice. However, pettiness over silly incidents with the ones we love can cause irreversible damage. It can kick off a litany of power plays and double standards that will ensure the demise of even the strongest relationship. People will show the worst of themselves when they feel they have something to prove. The only thing we should be concerned with proving to a lover is our ability to love. Love is forgiving, supportive, and without nefarious intent. 

Relationships come in so many forms it would be impossible to pin them all down. Each person involved in an arrangement brings a unique perspective that should mold the relationship into something that is beautiful to them. There is really no wrong way to have a relationship as long as it reflects all of the people in it. We make the most amazing things in this world when we bring all of our best ideas to the table. You have to love and trust each other. When you look for polyamorous dates you need to keep the current love in your life at the forefront of your heart. A relationship cannot be healthy if anyone feels neglected or unhappy. Never prioritize pride, selfish desires, or pettiness over the people you love. Remember this, and that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and you’ll have a strong platform to work from. Polygamy dating, poly dating, and maintaining happy relationships is enough work already. Don’t make it worse by ignoring a double standard when you see it, whether it’s your double standard or a lovers’. Love is always more important than ego.    

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

We’re all guilty of pushing our personal views onto other people a little too hard at times. It’s easy to feel confident you are correct about something and become frustrated at anyone with an opposing view. You often can believe you’re actually helping someone by persuading them to think like you. Maybe you are, Maybe you’re not. There’s trouble brewing either way when you become inflexible. None of us have all of the answers and our discourse should be focused on sharing ideas rather than claiming moral or logical superiority against others with perfectly reasonable views. Not everything needs to be personal outside of your own intimate relationships. Here are some thoughts on choosing your battles wisely, respecting the choices and views of others, and contributing to a more accepting world where people can pursue their polyamorous dreams without fear of discriminatory interference.

An important concept to embrace is how useless your negative opinions are in the grand scheme. This isn’t about feeling you don’t matter and can’t contribute. It’s about the diminishing impact you have on the world as you foster negative views. There is a difference between skepticism and negativity, by the way. For example, it’s perfectly reasonable to believe polygamy and polyamory are entirely different things. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to school people for identifying as polygamous when you believe they are only polyamorous. If a group of poly lovers choose to describe their relationship as polygamous in an effort to express a greater level of commitment to each other it is nobody’s right to tell them they are wrong. On the other hand, if a woman wants to be a traditional sister wife it’s only expected she would likely not choose a family that involves two men. It’s not about doing anything that isn’t right for oneself. It’s about realizing that everyone is different and should be able to follow their own path without others attempting to ‘correct’ them along the way. 

Let’s say you’re a person that feels very strongly that the rules of monogamy and polygamy are set in stone. It’s one man and one woman, or one man and multiple wives, only. There are plenty of people in the world that will support your views. It will be easy to feel very confident that you are absolutely correct and that people should listen to you. There are certainly millions around the world on your side. The fact is, plenty of same sex marriages have been wildly successful and it made more people happy in the world. There are thousands of successful mixed gender group relationships in the world identifying as polygamous, or whatever they prefer, and this also has lead to more happy people in the world. If the joy of others upsets you, you are the problem. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t follow your own heart in your personal life, but every reason to respect others following their hearts as well. 

There are situations where your strong opinions are needed to persuade others. If you see someone trying to go along with a relationship that is clearly unhealthy there should be no hesitation with offering your advice and help. The dating world, poly or not, can be a tricky and dangerous place. From sex cults to lone abusers, there are predators out there looking for prey. Respecting the choices of others doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye to obvious dangers. Love and sex can play crazy tricks on the best of us. If you see sudden changes in a friends personality after they meet someone, signs of physical abuse, or any red flags don’t be afraid to thwart the relationship. Tread carefully and respectfully, but never let them slip away into a world they might not be able to escape without a real effort to pull them back to their senses. Polyamory is about love. It’s not about abuse and control, and that’s an opinion it’s okay to enforce.

As acceptance grows for many different types of loving relationships so, too, will opinions about them multiply. It’s easy to jump on a naysayer bandwagon as humans have an odd affinity for mob mentalities. Before picking and choosing which non-monogamous relationships you’ll accept or reject, and insisting on telling them how to define their own relationships, think about the effect your opinion actually has on the world. Is it really helping anyone but the naysayers that are impossible to please? Eventually those naysayers will find fault in your life too. That’s what they do. Do you really want to be a part of that? Why not be a part of the world that’s trying to make it a happier and more accepting place? Before jumping on a friends back when they mention their account on a polygamy dating site, ask them how that would work for them. Instead of telling your friend the couple they’ve met is only using them for sex, or worse, talk to them about how they picture a future with them. How would it work? The life of a sister wife or member of a polyamorous group is often quite wonderful. Don’t have a negative impact on them. If you really cannot respect someone else’s relationship it’s better to walk away. 

Everyone is trudging through life doing the best they can. The number of obstacles and barriers people face make it difficult enough to find and maintain joy. Showing love and support for all the diversity around you will reward your life with experiences and insights that are invaluable. Having personal views that stem from a place of love, support, and acceptance will only lead to more satisfaction in your own life. When you see people loving each other whatever way they see fit, be happy for them. Your opinion about the dynamics and labels they should be embracing is irrelevant to their experience. If nothing else, consider the old saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, why say anything at all?” This is especially true when your words only seek to cause harm, which is not helping anyone. Spread love and stop hate.   

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: 

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