Chris's article

I’ve written my fair share of poly dating guides. I’ve expressed my thoughts on how to become a sister wife, how to bring up polyamory to your partner, and even how to navigate the sexual spectrum of poly relationships. Here, I’m focusing on how to find a second wife--or a third, and fourth without putting any pressure on your current relationship. Your first instinct might be to browse the usual poly dating apps--Feeld, OkCupid, Sister Wives, etc.--but there are other steps you can take beforehand.

1. Don’t force it

In a monogamous relationship, not every person you meet is a life partner candidate. Moreover, good relationships feel natural and effortless. Of course, all great relationships need effort, but the start of one blossoms without it being forced. If it doesn’t feel right, you probably shouldn’t pursue a relationship further than platonic friendship.

Granted, meeting people naturally on dating sites sounds like an oxymoron, but even these digital encounters should have a genuine, organic feel. When you’re on dating sites long enough, you start to be able to filter out who wants a real connection and who’s up for a short-term fling. There’s no problem with either, which brings us to our next step.

2. Set boundaries, but don’t limit yourself

When dating online or preparing yourself for the dating world in general, don’t be so consumed by a “Dream Wife'' checklist that you’re rejecting people left and right. You might (or probably already have) discuss what type of person you want your second wife to be with your current spouse. You might even discuss personality, life goals, sexual orientation, poly attitudes, etc. While it’s great to have a general sense of what type of people you want to surround yourself with, a strict list of requirements might set you back.

You miss out on great people who might not fit your description of an ideal second wife on paper. After all, the attributes on a dating site profile or app can only tell you so much about a person. The only way to know for sure if they’re the right fit is to give them a chance. You might be surprised at how much your ideal second, third, or fourth wife might actually be a completely different person than what you imagined.

3. Let your heart lead, but be realistic

New relationship energy (NRE) is a thing. You might even feel it strongly in the early dating stage. In fact, another word for it is the honeymoon phase where the people in the newfound connection feel giddy (euphoric, really) to the point where everything feels right and magical. At its worst, new relationship energy can lead you (the man) to always be seeking out new potential partners and getting lost in the dating stages, leaving your first wife on the back burner as you expend all your energy in searching out and wooing new potential wives.

So my humble piece of advice would be to check yourself whenever you find that the NRE is turning into an urge and not necessarily a genuine romantic feeling. While you may be a sociable person who just tends to hit it off with many people, be wary of how much energy you expend in your dating ventures.

4. Be safe, and trust your gut

Let’s talk safety. Safe sex is a common topic in poly circles, and rightly so. Depending on you and your polycule’s sexual orientations, safe sex and open communication about it helps build trust between everyone. It also ensures everyone’s personal health and safety, no matter how many people are involved in the relationship.

Another part of safety is safety in meeting people offline. In your search for finding a second wife, you might be eager to meet quickly and without thought. The sad truth is, there will always be people who don’t care about others’ safety and actively want to harm others. A safe practice is meeting in public for the first time, providing you with a harmless exit strategy should you want to leave the rendezvous. 

In more extenuating circumstances like, say, a global pandemic, meeting responsibly is also a matter of public duty. When in doubt, video calls are always a great way to break the ice before meeting in person. This way, you can gauge a person’s intentions and personality without taking on too much risk.

5. Try different dating sites

You might be a staunch Sister Wives user or a diehard Feeld customer, but exploring different  platforms is worth it when trying to find a second wife. Similar to how you wouldn’t frequent the same bar every weekend in the hopes of meeting new people, you might dip your toes in other dating apps to broaden your horizons. If you feel frustrated or begin to feel like you’re forcing it (See Step 1), take a break from dating and return when you feel ready again. It isn’t fair to you or others when you’re dating with an affected mindset.

6. Let it happen naturally

This next suggestion is a slight reiteration of Step 1, but I feel the need to keep it as a separate step. Many poly relationships do start on dating sites like Sister Wives, but many others begin somewhere random. Maybe your coworker’s friend’s cousin just happened to attend a networking event and you were introduced by chance. Maybe you’ll take a different route home one day and decide to try a new restaurant where you’ll meet and find your future second wife. Yes, this sounds like a terrible cliché, but love really can be found in the most unexpected places. If you’ve got a particularly interesting meet cute with your wives or partners, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

A lot has changed as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. While most things were slowing down, dating apps saw a spike in traffic. Though obviously dating apps are not a new concept, they suddenly became the only option for many people’s love lives. 

In this blog post, we’ll tell you what to expect when poly dating post-COVID. We’ll also dive into what a healthy balance of online and “real world” dating looks like as you set out to build your polygamist or polyamorous family. 

Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble are not the only ones available. Download the Sister Wives polygamy dating app for FREE from Google Play Store. For Apple and other mobile devices, check out our Progressive Web App!

Advantages of Poly Dating Online

As a polygamist, it is harder to organically meet someone publicly than it is for those who’re monogamous. That is why poly individuals have turned to online dating. Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble have broken the mainstream in the last few years and have been successful for many.

We’re sure some poly people have found a couple of dates there too, as long as they clarified what they were looking for beforehand. That’s the beauty of dating apps and websites: You can communicate with each other without exchanging contact information first. This is a great way to feel each other’s personalities (and standards for a partner) out before meeting in person. 

At Sister Wives, we actually have a polygamy matchmaking system in place to make it easier for our members. This system analyzes every user’s profile information and matches people based on that info. It helps you enter the dating pool starting with more compatible users, and also notifies you whenever a potential match has signed up.

Along with most other dating apps nowadays, we also offer video chatting. Since March 2020, video dates have become a much more used option than they were before. Of course, there hasn’t been many other choices, but many believe video chatting is here to stay.

Why? Because video chats offer a natural next step in between talking online and meeting in person. Sure, you can message people all day long and feel you’re hitting it off. But without speaking face-to-face (digitally) you simply cannot know how well you will mesh. 

With a texting conversation, you can take as long as you need to think of a good response before actually hitting send on your reply. If you’re nervous around new people or don’t do well with awkward silences, video dating is a great way to test the waters without actually getting stuck at a restaurant or somewhere you can’t easily excuse yourself from. That’s not to say you should never date in the real world again (we’ll tell you why you should in a minute!) but it does relieve a lot of pressure and make your first in-person meeting that much more comfortable. 

This is especially true when it comes to poly dating. The poly community faces its own unique set of potential complications. Just like we feel more comfortable talking over messages, so do phonies. Unlike monogamous people, we join dating sites because we are looking for something serious. Which makes it that much more disappointing if a date stands you up at a public location after you spent time getting ready and making your way there.

Disadvantages of Online Dating

The most obvious con isn’t only for polygamy dating, but is definitely very prevalent: Catfishing. Catfishing is when someone makes use of pictures that do not belong to them and pass them off as their own on the internet. However, it always goes much deeper than that. 

Many catfishes purposely hurt other people for their own enjoyment. Or, they are just using someone’s affections to profit financially or fulfilling some social desire. Catfishes aren’t just defined by the pictures they use. They’re defined by lying about their identity. 

When it comes to people who catfish in the poly world, there are people who could fit the bill as a typical catfish. However, something that’s more common to happen on polygamist dating websites: People are curious. They see the television show with the same name as our Sister Wives website and decide to sign up. 

This would be great if the person was both curious AND open to the idea of finding poly love online. Unfortunately, they usually aren’t. The good news is that Sister Wives (and we hope all dating apps) are heavily monitored for fakes. 

If you come across someone who is disingenuous, report them immediately. Be sure to read our previous article on spotting the red flags in online poly dating to learn how to recognize the signs.

Another con is the obvious missing connection. Sure, video chatting can answer a lot of questions about how you’ll click with someone but at a certain point, you want to spend time with them in person. As amazing as the level technology has progressed to is, nothing will ever beat hitting it off in person!

How to Merge The Two Worlds

Online dating may not be a permanent polygamy dating solution, but it sure does give you options. We strongly recommend video chatting before meeting anyone in person. Do this as early on as possible. That way, you’ll spend less time getting your hopes up if it doesn’t work out. Alternatively, you’ll be able to erase those doubts and be able to fully enjoy getting to know your potential partner now that you know they’re, well, themselves!

In short, always take advantage of the comforts and insight gained from dating online. It’s a great way to date at your own pace and avoid unnecessary anxiety so you can have the best poly dating experience possible!

A perk of joining a poly matchmaking site like Sister Wives is that you won’t just find a match, but a community as well. We offer our members access to several helpful resources as they embark on their dating journey including articles, community forums to ask for advice in, and individual blogs to read about other people’s journeys. 

Our goal has always been to help polygamists and polyamorous people find love and happiness. Your perfect match could be waiting for you here now, so sign up today!

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

From craft coffee to artisanal sandwiches to monthly therapy, millennials are no strangers to self-care. But how is this self-aware generation faring in the dating world? Unfortunately, they fall victim to modern challenges too often--particularly ghosting, the hook-up culture, and saturated apps. So where do millennials stand on poly dating sites and poly life? Unsurprisingly, they’re more receptive to non-monogamous relationships, polyamory, and open relationships.

What poly dating sites do millennials use?

Even with the advent of social media, apps, and dating sites, it can be difficult to find the right poly match precisely because of these platforms. Millennials use Sister Wives, #open, and other mainstream sites or smartphone apps. However, very popular platforms tend to attract a more questionable crowd that often gives poly dating sites (and poly relationships overall) a bad rep. These sites comprise match.com and Tinder (just two out of many non-poly-friendly sites) where you’re likely to encounter feigned interest and people thirsty for a hook-up in the name of sexual exploration. 

To be fair, some poly individuals have probably found worthwhile relationships on these sites, but we don’t have the data for conclusive statements. Nevertheless, this means polyamory visibility and access to good poly dating sites are on the rise. According to a study by OkCupid (Tinder’s older sibling) in 2016, 42% of its users expressed that they would be interested in entering a relationship with someone already in a polyamorous arrangement. Though a little outdated by our standards, this figure is a noteworthy discovery.

Are millennials more likely to be in poly relationships than Baby boomers?

Research carried out by the Institute for Family Studies shows that Baby boomers are more in favor of monogamous relationships as the status quo in comparison with the younger generations (Hawkins and Smith, 2019). In the same vein, the Silent Generation (their parents), are less likely to have been in a consensual non-monogamous relationship or be interested in entering one. In contrast, millennials are more interested in consensual non-monogamy and are much more likely to have tried it in the past.

It’s safe to assume that millennials are then more likely to be in a poly relationship compared to their predecessors. Although some of our elders are credited with bringing poly love to the forefront via polycules in the 1960s and 1970s coupled with the invention of birth control methods, it seems that an even larger number still value the normal family unit of a straight, monogamous relationship epitomized by children.

Some argue that this warmer reception by millennials and higher poly instances in their group are due to the changes in marital expectations and timing. This claim might have some substance to it. After all, millennials are eschewing tradition by focusing more on careers, choosing marriage less and less, and straying from the nuclear family model. Furthermore, when millennials do get married, they tend to get married at a later age. 

This longer period between single life and married life (or a marriage equivalent) is where many say millennials get to explore and try new things, including consensual non-monogamy, but the study we provided above found that even with these factors in mind, millennials are still more likely to be in a poly relationship or at least consider it. We may never know exactly why this is so, but it’s still a compelling correlation we’ll keep an eye on throughout the years.

How is poly dating in millennials being undermined?

Besides limited representation in media and pop culture, poly dating is also greatly misunderstood in psychological circles. As a matter of fact, according to the study Polyamorous Millennials in Therapy: Interpreting Experiences to Inform Care by Rebecca Calhoun-Shepard, many psychologists are not trained to counsel or help treat poly millennials about self-identity issues, dating challenges, and other personal issues. It is common that therapists play down poly clients’ struggles and try to help clients solve their life’s dilemmas through a monogamous lens, thereby wasting time, money, and effort, while making the client feel shameful, helpless, and rightfully misunderstood (Calhoun-Shepard, 2019).

Of course, these unique obstacles don’t just stem from intentionally insensitive therapists, but also from a lack of research about poly clients in a psychological context. In Calhoun-Shepard’s breakthrough study, therapists describe their experience evolving from an uninformed provider to an empathetic one as a type of awakening, aptly nicknamed “getting it.” Instead of treating clients with a preconceived notion of poly relationships, they worked hard to reframe their way of thinking to best serve their patients.

This approach of being an educated ally is something we can scale up with a larger audience. Instead of relying on monogamous codes of conduct, we should open up the table to include alternative lifestyles, especially in professional settings. Sadly, people who do not understand or disagree with poly lifestyles might reflexively feel like they’re sacrificing their pride or values when they decide to change their views about poly dating.

What’s the future of poly dating sites and millennials?

Baby Boomers and Silent Generation constituents are quick to criticize millennial habits, but the truth is, millennials care, and they care deeply. Sure, they might splurge on a fancy sandwich with avocado, free range chicken, and fair-trade vegetables, but this just means they recognize the costs of sustainable production and are willing to support it with their dollar. Yes, millennials are quick to cancel a celebrity or influencer, but this means they don’t stand for hate, bigotry, or other forms of animosity. 

And yes, millennials are more likely to use dating sites to meet potential partners, but at the same time, they’re also more accepting of different lifestyles in general. Whether millennial interest in poly dating is rising because they feel that poly life is a natural course of action after hundreds of years of traditional partnerships or if it’s because they’re more likely to seek meaningful connections, one thing is for sure: poly dating sites will continue to be a prominent feature in the dating realm.

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

You may have recently realized you’re polygamous or polyamorous, or are a poly person who recently met a new potential partner. However, while it’s important to live an authentic life, it’s unfair to assume your partner or spouse - or potential partner or spouse - is automatically okay with a non-monogamous relationship. To help you all navigate, the Sister Wives team has compiled a few ways to ensure all partners are onboard with a poly relationship.

Educate them

If your partner or potential partner are new to the poly lifestyle, it’s important to educate them. There are two overarching areas of poly: Polygamy and polyamory. Which do you identify with? It’s also okay if you don’t want to label it. Education on poly lifestyles is important, and you can learn a lot by reading the articles section of the Sister Wives dating website. The most important thing, though, is that you explain what it means to you.

What we mean by that is, explain why you feel drawn to polygamy or polyamory. That answer, while it will sound different for everyone, probably won’t be “because my current partner isn’t enough”, and that is what most monogamous people are afraid of. They feel that by opening your relationship to another partner, you’re saying they aren’t enough for you. This clearly isn’t the case, so just be sure you’re compassionate when communicating with them about being (or becoming) poly.

Address the sigma around polygamy and polyamory

People are becoming more and more accepting of poly lifestyles every day. Unfortunately, that does not mean the bias and stigma poly people face has vanished. Polyamorous, polygamist or otherwise multi-person marriages are illegal all over the US and in many other countries. Recently, there have been a few steps in the right direction, such as Utah’s decriminalization of polygamy last year. Even more recently, Cambridge, Massachusetts, announced in March 2021 that it will legalize domestic partnerships between three or more people.

Understand the history

While there is progress, it’s happening at a slow pace. For polygamy marriages, this is partially because of its association with religious groups such as Mormons and Muslims, and many feel the US should operate under Christianity. Some religion-based polygamists have pressured women into opening their marriage to sister wives.

While this is not and should never be something included in polygamy, it’s important to acknowledge it has happened to people in the past, and is currently happening to some people - mostly women - in other countries that practice polygamy. Modern polygamists have to understand where this bias comes from, because it shows how important consent is. This is a huge thing you should be prepared to discuss with your partner. If they aren’t on board with polygamy, you have to accept that. Even if that means you have to part ways.

Another reason poly marriages struggle with gaining legality: Taxes. There is an argument that multi-spouse marriages would give those households unfair advantages when it comes to paying taxes. Unfortunately, it is much easier for lawmakers to ignore the poly community rather than reform the current tax system in place.

Unpacking biases

Obviously, polygamous and polyamorous people don’t want to get married to cheat the tax system. While it would probably make filing easier, they want to get married because they have the right to be who they are. That, and the fact that partners who aren’t legally married don’t get the benefits that monogamous spouses have. For example, insurance companies and hospitals don’t have to recognize the marriage.

Plus, not many people know or understand why poly marriages are illegal, they just know that it is. Sadly, most people also don’t research things like this until it impacts them directly. So, there’s a decent amount of people who look down on something they don’t really know anything about simply for the fact it’s not what they deem ethical.

Give them time

As we said at the beginning of the article, you can’t expect a partner or potential partner to jump on board right away. They may not be on board until months later, if at all. This is a lot of information to take in, after all.

If they express interest but want to learn more, then great! Use the section above to help you lead some honest and real conversations with them about why they’re hesitant. Don’t pressure them to give you a response by a certain deadline.

What if my partner freaks out upon me telling them?

Know that any big reactions stem from a place of hurt and/or fear. You have to be patient and show them you understand where they’re coming from. Be sure to spend some time preparing for the conversation both mentally and emotionally. Mentally, because you want to be prepared to answer their questions and explain to the best of your ability. Emotionally, because you may not get the response you want to hear.

It is possible that you could lose a monogamous partner or spouse by telling them you're poly. As hard as that would be, you deserve to live authentically. And so do they. If you can’t bring yourself to be monogamous and they can’t become poly, you will both have to move on. Because it isn’t fair to either of you to pressure the other into being something you’re not. It’s also unfair to keep something from a partner, so always be honest about who you are.

Utilize Sister Wives as a Resource

Whether you go into the poly dating world with a partner or alone, the Sister Wives dating website is here to help you along your journey. We’ve already mentioned our articles, but that’s not all we have to offer our members. You can learn more about other people’s stories by checking out our member blogs . Whatever step of your journey you’re on, know that you’re not alone.

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

Sister Wives How To: Talk About Changing the Rules

One of the defining characteristics of poly+ relationships is the amount of talking you have to do to keep things running smoothly. While most practitioners know how to handle the day-to-day (how are chores being divided, what’s the schedule for the week, where to have dinner out), conversations about changing the rules of the relationship can feel intimidating and complicated. After all, the potential for conflict increases exponentially with every additional person in a relationship!

But in order to keep any relationship healthy, it’s important to go deep every so often and make sure you’re all as happy as you can be together. (Keep in mind, this guide is written with the intention of helping people already in poly+ relationships, but the general principles can also apply to talking to your partner about trying the poly+ lifestyle.

1. Reflect on What Your Deal breakers Are
   First, talk to yourself. Think about what you like and dislike about the way the relationship is currently structured, and what rules feel like a burden. Take some time before you have the conversation to envision your perfect relationship, both in the abstract and with the people you’re currently with.
   
   Then, journal or record voice memos about what makes you feel happy, alive, and motivated to be your best self. Consider if there are expectations from your partners or yourself (said or unsaid) that feel antithetical to who you are and want to be as a person and partner. If you’re unsure of where to start, try these prompts: “This is what happens on the days I feel happiest…”, “This is what happens on the days I feel saddest…”, and “I feel the most like myself when…”
   
   
2. Schedule the Conversation
   
   When you feel ready to have the conversation, talk to your partners about it in advance. Schedule a time when you will all be most likely to be fed, rested, and calm. Try to make it a time when you won’t have to rush from or to anywhere, and when you’ll all have the opportunity to wind down afterwards, whether it’s together in a cuddle puddle, or solo with each of your thoughts. Offer the same prompts and practices you use to be prepared. Most people feel nervous when they hear the phrase “we need to talk” without context, so try saying something like this: “I love you and I want to make sure we’re taking care of each other in the right way. I’d like to have a conversation about how the relationship is working for all of us on [DATE] at [TIME]. Here’s something I’m thinking about so I’m ready for it, would you be up for trying it too?”
   
   
3. Be Honest About What You Need
   
   At the appointed date and time, show up with your best self. Be ready to be open, honest, and vulnerable. Make sure to have snacks and drinks at hand so if the discussion takes a while, no one gets hangry (but you’re probably better off skipping alcohol or heavy drinking). Ensure everyone has an equal chance and time to talk (an egg timer or stopwatch on your phone works well for this). When it’s your turn to speak, don’t shy away from what you really need, whether it’s dipping into new bedroom activities like BDSM or group intimacy, or needing time to yourself on Thursday nights to catch up on your novel reading. The only way you get what you want is by asking for it with words.
    
4. Approach Conflicts as a Team
   
   As you listen to your partners, use the mindset of listening to understand, rather than respond. You might find yourself having strong, immediate reactions, and the impulse to interrupt them if you feel they’re wrong. That’s perfectly human, but not necessarily perfect for the discussion!  Rather than interrupting, make a mental note or write down your reaction so you can talk about after they finish their thought. When you find you have a conflict of need or desire, problem-solve together. It’s you as a team against the problem, not against each other. Yes, sometimes you’ll find that your needs are incompatible, but it’s better to know and make a decision than burning out the relationship and each other.
   
   

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

The Ultimate Guide to Choosing Your Perfect Poly Partners

If you’re new to polyamory, potential partners way ahead of you in the game will avoid you like the plague because you probably have a lot to learn and they won’t have the patience. Of course, why would they risk the emotional traumas when they can easily find themselves a stable partner? The stakes are even higher in polygamy, which involves a legally-binding agreement in the form of marriage.

But that’s not necessarily the case for everyone – especially not for those who go through this guide. In this guide, we’ll equip you with all you need to know to present yourself as a seasoned polyamory pro to your potential polygamy partner to make them open up easily to you.

We’ll be covering:

1. Hard facts about finding a partner

2. A checklist for finding partners

3. The best places for finding partners

Let’s dive in!

First, let’s talk about some hard facts you need to have at the back of your mind all through your search. These facts are immutable and non-negotiable, regardless of your circumstance. You can’t build a solid foundation for your poly partners if you ignore them.

If straight-off the bat you go looking for a partner with the wrong motives, you shouldn’t expect the relationship to work for long.

For a stable, lasting relationship, you’d want to make sure that your motives match the qualities you need in your potential partner. It could be a total disaster if those two don’t meet. For instance, if you’re looking for long-distance relationships, you need to look for a partner who can accommodate your long absence.

A clear set of guidelines will help make your relationship more predictable – especially on your own end. This will help you establish expectations and ease anxiety in the relationship. With this guideline, you’ll know exactly what to do in delicate situations to prevent emotional fallouts.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself when creating your guidelines;

·       What do I generally want in this relationship?

·       What would I love to have but can do without?

·       What are things that I must have?

Use these questions to set guidelines for various circumstances from pregnancy to sharing your living space, and safe sex practices.

As much as you’d love for your plans for the relationship to pan out well, you shouldn’t bank on the predictions you make about your partner’s behaviors. It’s best to come with multiple plans and an exit strategy to cover just about any event. You can’t dictate how they see and feel about things, so it’s best to focus on your own actions and behaviors in your plan.

You should also prepare your mind for circumstances where either of you changes your mind about the relationship. But sometimes, this change occurs subtly, slowly eating up the relationship from the inside and building into a serious breach of trust.

It’s best to keep track of any possible changes to your relationship to minimize the damage that might occur down the line. One of the best ways to do this is by creating a relationship playbook that you can frequently revisit and revise whenever you feel something odd is happening.

As in every relationship, communication is the key in your polygamous relationships. If the channels for communicating thoughts and feelings are blocked or obstructed, the bottled-up emotions and thoughts might be released through other channels that are not healthy for the relationship – jealousy fits, for example.

You shouldn’t expect your ideal partner to sees eye-to-eye with you in every issue. Rather than making you happy and at ease, a yes-yes partner can quickly bore you out.

A little bit of variety isn’t bad for your relationship, so you need to be prepared to court each other’s differences and agree to disagree.

Relationship coaches can help you establish your motives and the right qualities you should expect from your potential partner. They can also talk to your potential partner to help you resolve any critical differences that may fizzle out the flow of the relationship.

Now that you’re acquainted with facts that’ll help you lay a solid foundation for your relationship, you know exactly what your relationship should look like in general.

But you need to drill down more specifically on the qualities of your potential partner. To help you do that, here’s a checklist you should use when checking out potential candidates:

Some people are fine with their partners having casual sex with others, but not with a deeply intimate relationship – where the partner virtually sells their soul. It can be quite dicey to gauge your jealous impulses – sometimes you need to take the plunge and learn the hard way with a real-life situation.

If you can’t handle seeing your polygamy partner dating others, then you can limit your search to partners who’ll make out with other people while they’re with you. Here are some questions you should ask yourself:

Do I feel secure about this relationship?

What level of commitment can I tolerate in my partner’s relationship with others?

Can we resolve fights easily?

Can we both agree on certain rules and goals?

It’s never advisable to go looking for a polygamy partner in a monogamist. You and your partner should agree on the type of relationship you want from the onset. Don’t go in while hiding the fact that you’re looking to have a polygamous relationship. It’s unethical and could backfire.

You’ll most likely succeed in your relationship if you and your partner have common goals. For starters, you and your partner need to be on the same page about the limitations of monogamy and how to explore polyamory relationship to fill the void.

A simple motivation to find more love and happiness in life can keep your relationship going during a thorny patch. For polygamous relationships, partners are usually motivated by more tangible benefits like financial stability or ability to support certain lifestyles. 

Do you intend to quit the relationship at a certain point in time – probably when you have kids or take on a political office? You should make this clear from the get-go and have your partner prepared for that eventuality.

You can also talk about your future with them anytime you feel like the relationship is heading off the rails. You two should be able to talk to each other comfortably about the future of the relationship whenever something’s bothering you.

Armed with your checklist and guidelines for finding polygamy partners and managing your emotions and behaviors, you’re now fully equipped for your search.

Here are some of the best places you should check out first.

One of the most renowned meeting places for polyamorists on the web is Ashley Madison. With over 54 million users from all works of life, you’ll have plenty of options to explore here. You can also rest assured that the people you meet will most likely get on the same page with you. The platform parades itself as one for the “most open-minded” relationships. Users here range from single to married, sexually curious, and swingers.

The site also has a good track record of safeguarding the security and privacy of its users, so you can feel at ease about sharing your personal information n the platform.

Feeld is another popular destination for polygamists. However, the user base here isn’t as refined as that of Ashley Madison or other platforms, as it’s mainly frequented by people looking for flings and one-night-stands, not a lasting relationship.

However, with over a million users, you still stand a good chance of finding good partners who share the same goals as yours.

Feeld also has a bad reputation for bugs and glitches in its app, but its website is more stable. Most web and mobile app users enjoy a wide variety of features that connect them with potential partners, including incognito mode, couple accounts, and group chats.

If you’re looking for a poly relationship with fringe sexual behaviors like fetishes and BDSM, Fetlife is right in your alley.

The site boasts over 8.5 million users worldwide, many of whom are fervid fans of extreme fringe behaviors.

Fetlife is also integrated with Facebook, with users allowed to share their Facebook groups, events, profiles, and multimedia with others on the platform.

One of the oldest dating sites on the internet, OKCupid is one of the best places where you can find polyamory partners today.

But as a long-established platform, OKCupid is heavily frequented by people looking for more traditional relationships. However, given a user base of over 5 million people, you still stand a good chance of finding polygamy partners here.

The platform’s matching system can help you quickly find potential partners, showing you people whose preferences are comparable to yours. Note, however, that polyamory users here often use emojis and code words to describe what they want, so you need to find and use these code words when searching for your partner.

This platform is also frequented by decent, everyday people looking for poly relationships. The platform can match you with potential partners based not only on your sexual preferences and goals but also factors like hobbies. You might be in luck to find a polygamy partner who not only shares your relationship goals but also shares your same hobbies.

Another advantage of using Meetup is that their user base is spread more evenly across the nation, so you’ll have nearly as many partners to choose from as people living in major cities.

You don’t need to make any major lifestyle changes to prepare for your polygamy partner. All you need to do is to come to terms with your emotions and personal needs. Once you’ve established these, you can then set out to find a partner who can cater to those needs. There are a plethora of places to find potential candidates, but you need to ensure that the partner you choose is motivated toward the same goals.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

Something many poly relationships encounter is the assumption that polyamory and polygamy are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, which we are not. In order to understand why that is, let’s take a look at the reasons people make these assumptions and why they aren’t correct.

Why Being Poly is Different Than Being LGBTQ

The LGBTQ community, also known as LGBT, LGBTQIA+, LGBTIQAPD, represents individuals who identify as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender, or otherwise queer, which is an umbrella term for anyone who is not straight and not cisgender. These terms all identify their sexual orientation, which is part of a person’s identity in relation to what gender or genders they are attracted to.

Polygamy and polyamory are not sexual orientations. Polygamy is almost always heterosexual, with one person who has multiple spouses of the opposite gender, or sister wives. Whereas polyamory is not as clearly defined, and can consist of various types of consensual non-monogamous relationship dynamics including those with LGBTQ individuals. So, if an individual identifies as LGBTQ and poly, they’re part of the LGBTQ because of their sexual orientation not because they’re poly, though many may find the two identities are intertwined.

In short, the difference is that LGBTQ defines a person’s sexual orientation, while polygamist and polyamorous define a person’s relationship style.

Why This Assumption is Made

Poly lifestyles - polygamy especially - often face bias similar to what LGBTQ people have in the past, particularly regarding marriage and acceptance into mainstream society. Some believe poly people deserve a place in the LGBTQ community since they’ve experienced struggles with being outside of the norm, while others feel that they aren’t far enough outside the norm to have a spot in the community. However, most people who are actually part of said norm or new to either community don’t realize the difference between the two because society tends to clump “unconventional” groups together.

There’s also some confusion around the term polysexual in relation to polyamory and polygamy. Polysexuality means the individual is attracted to many different genders, including intersexual or people that don’t identify with the typical definitions for male or female bodies. This may be confusing to some who see poly in the word, but that’s just because the prefix “poly” means “many” and isn’t exclusive to either community, though we do tend to refer to the polygamist and polyamorous communities.

How Our Struggles Are Similar, and How They’re Not

While we cannot say that our struggles are the same, we do share some common ground. Mostly, these similarities are based on the fact that we are both oppressed for being different.  Until 2015, we were both struggling with the fact it was illegal for us to marry. As we all know, not being legally married to a partner is hard both emotionally as well as financially and medically. While many countries have granted marriage equality to same-sex marriage, as they should, polygamist marriages are still illegal. So while some may have assumed that multi-partner marriages would be legalized next, the only progress we have seen is Utah decriminalizing it so that it’s not a felony anymore last year. It’s still a felony in every other state.

Another difference is representation: The LGBTQ community does have more representation in mainstream media than polyamory or polygamy. However, there are also a lot more people in Western culture who identify as LGBTQ. There are also a lot more types of oppression that they have had to face historically that polygamists and heterosexual polyamorous people haven’t faced as much, or at all. None of this is to say one group’s struggle is any less than the other, but to provide context to help unblur the line between the two communities.

Be that as it may, we can all relate to the fact that our relationships are seen by parts of society as immoral, or that something is “wrong with us.” That’s something anyone would struggle with!  People who have experienced that feeling will almost always feel compassionate for others who have as well. We all support the idea that love is love and promote acceptance and support for one another. Our shared experiences make it easy for us to relate and rally behind one another.

In Summary

Polygamy and polyamory are not included in the LGBTQ community because the former defines types of relationship styles and the latter defines kinds of sexual orientations. However, some polyamorous people may also, but not always, identify as LGBTQ while polygamists are traditionally heterosexual. Though some people misidentify us as members of the same community because of our similar experiences of living “different” lifestyles, our experiences are still different and unique to our respective groups. While polygamy and polyamory may not be included in the LGBTQ community and vice versa, we still stand together and support one another in our respective efforts to change the way society regards our relationships.

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

You can read a little about our journey via this Blooming Wellness Blog: Polygamy and Mental Health with Dr. Erin Stair. Since then, we have had another failed attempt of our own pursuing this lifestyle. It was so bad that Dr. Erin Stair did a podcast on it and decided to delete it after a couple of months because, overall, it was pretty negative, and she knew that was not the message we wanted to send.

I would urge everyone out there that is actively pursuing a polygamous or polyamorous lifestyle to be careful, take your time, and get to know someone before you end up getting hurt as we did and so many others have.

Written By: Christopher Alesich, 

I am an advocate of committed and faith-based relationships alike. I am also a dedicated supporter of #loveislove and believe that love is a gift from God. Love has no Limits.

Published By: Christopher Alesich, 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

Communication is one of the most important things in our lives and relationships, especially when you’re in a poly relationship. Oftentimes, people are hesitant to be too forthcoming with their feelings out of fear it will come across confrontational or an inability to be vulnerable. The truth is, successful polygamist relationships are the result of communicating our most honest and raw emotions. This is the practice of compassionate communication. 

When you communicate with compassion, other people know you’re being genuine and feel comfortable enough to express their feelings to you in the same way. You may think you and your partners do a good job at communicating, but take a moment to reflect on both your day-to-day interactions and the last time someone in the relationship was upset.

Handling Conflict with Compassion

When a polygamist family is dealing with tension, no matter how big or small the situation is,  it can be difficult for everyone to feel heard. This is why it’s a good idea for everyone to sit down and individually share their honest feelings about what’s going on. It’s natural to want to respond immediately, but partners and sister wives need to be mindful and not rush to respond. Each individual should really take their time to understand what is being said and take the time to consider a thoughtful response. This shows that the conversation is important to you, and that you want to handle the person’s feelings with care. 

Remind each other that you are working through this as a team, so no one should go into the conversation with a “me against the world” mindset, or take things as a personal attack.

Seeking Opportunities to be Compassionate

Practicing compassionate communication isn’t limited to handling conflicts- in fact, the more you each practice it in your everyday lives, the easier it will be when dealing with conflicts as a family. 

Each person in a poly relationship has their own needs and preferences, and it takes time for partners and sister wives to learn that. In order to achieve compassionate communication, each member of the relationship needs to make an effort to understand each other and be their authentic selves. 

Practicing compassionate communication in poly relationships by helping curb jealousy, and replacing competition with respect and empathy. Even two of the most different personality types will be able to respect one another if they communicate with respect and understanding rather than judgement. 

Sister wives and partners should always try to speak highly of one another, both directly and indirectly. Finding the good in one another makes it easier to have patience with them when they need you to.

Partners would also be wise to avoid assumptions about one another. No one in the relationship is a mind reader, so if one person says or does something that the others would not do, they should not assume they know the person’s motivation behind it. Instead, respectfully ask them to explain. When treated with respect, your partner will more than likely show you the same respect in their response. 

If a compassionate communication system is not in place, and the feeling of being a team is not achieved, the relationship risks falling apart. Instead of feeling like working together is an uphill battle, face your differences head-on and ask each other what you can learn from it.

Exercises to Help

If you haven’t already, have each sister wife or partner take the love language test followed by the Myers-Briggs personality quiz. Then, read and compare your results as a group. This will help each individual learn both about their own needs and personalities as well as about each other. 

For example, if physical touch is the top love language for one partner but the very last for another, this could lead to friction and misunderstanding. Additionally, if one person’s personality is introverted, an extroverted partner may not understand why the introvert needs time to be alone or acts less social at times.

Another tactic is to practice setting boundaries. In relationships, sometimes it’s hard to say no to something, and people tend to internalize little things that hurt their feelings in an attempt to let it go, but end up just bottling their emotions up until they explode. This scenario isn’t fair to anyone involved.

In poly relationships, a lot can come up that makes partners want to shy away from standing their ground and communicating what they need. Setting good boundaries for yourself is even more important when the amount of people in your relationship increases. Try having each partner write lists of things they absolutely need in a relationship, things they would like but are willing to be flexible on, and things they absolutely would not allow. 

When doing this exercise, encourage one another to address any and every topic they desire to in their lists. Some examples can be how much one-on-one time they need, their desired sex life, living arrangements, etc. This will help each sister wife and partner understand their role in one another’s lives and each person’s boundaries. 

You and your partners are a team, and your goal is to make the relationship emotionally gratifying for everyone involved. You can choose to let your differences be your weakness, or you can choose to make them a strength. For that to happen, ideas and emotions need to be exchanged with one another. Find time to sit down and have a conversation about what a compassionate communication plan looks like for your relationship, and how you can work together to create it.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com