Chris's article

Online dating is a convenient service, but it has its risks. One of these risks is encountering people who run romance scams. According to the FBI, romance scammers are “[criminals who adopt] a fake online identity to gain a victim’s affection and trust” and eventually ask for money using different excuses.

Unfortunately, romance scammers often prey on members of dating platforms like Sister Wives. We are taking proper measures to stop these con artists, but scammers are finding new ways to bypass security measures.

That’s why we’ve prepared a deep dive here on what romance scams are, warning signs of a romance scam, and how to avoid them. Your safety is one of our top priorities as a dating service, so let’s review together what we can do to stop romance scammers.

Different types of romance scams

Deception is the heart of these dishonorable schemes. The perpetrator’s game plan is to trick you into a vulnerable position, whether that’s gaining access to your online accounts or blackmailing you into sending money.

Money mules

Some victims have reported money laundering scams where a criminal gains access to their bank accounts to move dirty money. The funds can be moved through various means like gift cards, cryptocurrency, and money orders.

Fake checks

Scammers can also ask you to cash a check because they claim that they don’t have access to their banking accounts. They may ask you to wire that money before it clears, and you may be left penniless when the check bounces.

Cryptocurrency investment

Newer approaches to romance scams include asking victims to invest in cryptocurrency. Someone might also ask you to send money via cryptocurrency if they are trying to launder large amounts of capital without dealing with banks.

Gift cards

Gift cards are a common way romance scammers make or move money. They may ask you to reload or buy them gift cards, citing excuses like their checking account is frozen or they lost their wallet.

Personal information compromised and stolen

More malicious scams include sending malware through dating apps or services. When you open the message or link, it might compromise your device, leaving your personal information exposed.

Another common scheme is when romance scammers send you an email or text message asking you to verify your information on the dating site. It is not actually sent by the dating service, but by someone trying to steal your data.

When you open the message or link, it will ask you for sensitive information such as your social security number or credit card security code.

Sextortion scams

Sextortion happens when a person uses compromising pictures or videos of you to extort you for money. To avoid revealing their face, scammers might say that their camera is not working all the while encouraging you to pose or perform sexually suggestive acts with the intent of blackmailing you afterwards.

Immigration scams

If you are messaging someone who claims to be from another country, they might ask you for money to pay off their visa, plane ticket, or customs fees to visit you. They take advantage of your emotions and emphasize that they would love to see you in person, but they cannot afford it.

Online dating red flags that can indicate someone is dangerous

One warning sign to be wary of is when someone immediately wants to meet you in person. However, romance scammers usually try to avoid meeting in person unless it’s part of their strategy. Consider these other atypical behaviors that let you know when someone has bad intentions.

They claim to be in a certain profession

Romance scammers adopt fake personas when they sign up for dating sites.  One way to spot a liar is if they can’t or won’t provide you with more details when you ask them about their work.

● Construction or building industry worker

● Soldier

● Doctor who travels internationally

● Worker on an oil platform

These professions often work outside of their home country, so it’s easy for scammers to pretend that they can’t meet you.

They suddenly have an emergency and they need your financial help

In 2020, the Federal Trade Commission reported that consumers lost $547 million to romance scams, the highest it’s ever been. This is also the largest figure in any of the fraud categories including identity theft, credit scams, and false lotteries.

On average, a person over 70 years old lost about $9,000 while someone aged 18 to 29 years old lost about $750. It may seem unbelievable, but sadly, romance scammers are expert manipulators.

Romance scammers will try to gain your trust first before asking for any money. Then they might claim any of the following reasons for needing your financial help:

● Medical emergency fees

● Legal fees

● They lost their debit card, so they need a gift card

● They came across a good investment opportunity

● Money for a flight

● They need to pay taxes for items in customs

● They need money to pay off their college degree before they can meet you

● They need you to cash a check and wire them the money

● Gambling debt

They want to know every single detail about you

This can be a sign of a stalker, someone too eager, or someone trying to pull an identity theft heist. You may be answering their questions left and right, but they never give you a chance to ask you about them.

In fact, they might not reveal anything personal about themselves at all — a huge red flag. This is also a tactic that romance scammers use to make their interest in your budding relationship seem genuine. They want to appear charming and engaged.

They want to meet you immediately without getting to know each other first

In a similar vein, they want to meet you ASAP when you haven’t established what relationship you’re looking for yet. Moreover, they might be insisting that you pay for their roundtrip flights and other travel fees (via money transfer) so they can meet you.

They pressure you to send pictures or videos you don’t feel comfortable sharing

A romance scammer may ask you for explicit content repeatedly even after you’ve declined. They may even try to guilt you into meeting their demands by saying they sent you pictures and videos (that you didn’t ask for), so why shouldn’t you?

This pressure is called sexual harassment and is also a form of sextortion and sextortion scams. You can also perform a reverse search image on any pictures they send to verify that it is not a stock photo or a photo of another person.

Best practices when online dating

Here are some tried-and-true tips for online dating safety.

Don’t share too much information at first

If someone’s nagging you for extremely personal information during the early days, stop there. This can be interpreted as endearing, but it can also indicate that they are trying to gather intelligence on you.

On the Sister Wives platform, we discourage members from sharing outside profile links partly for safety reasons such as this. This is a list of things you should keep private until you get to know this person better.

● Company address/company name/ your position within the company

● Home address/neighborhood

● Family information, e.g. your parents’ names, your children’s names

Don’t move to SMS text immediately

If you meet someone on a dating site or app, stay on the platform. Don’t rush to exchange numbers until you’ve vetted them through video call or met them in person. When they have your phone number, they might be able to extract other information about you online like your address or full name.

Staying on the platform also leaves a paper trail in case of suspicious behavior. Always report harassment or other questionable behavior so that person can be suspended or banned from the app/service.

What is Sister Wives doing to protect its users?

Sister Wives is actively stopping romance scammers on its platforms. Romance scams are at an all-time high, and we want to make sure your dating experience is not sullied by these criminals.

That’s why we monitor for fake profiles and we flag and block IP addresses and entire IP ranges.

What to do if you are involved in a romance scam

If you fall victim to a romance scammer, don’t feel guilty or foolish. These con artists take advantage of people who are looking for real connections with genuine human beings.

Report them to the Federal Trade Commission

If there is a substantial amount of money involved — and even if there isn’t — you can contact the right authorities. You can file a report online here.

If you are on Sister Wives or another dating service, report the profile

You can block other members on Sister Wives and most dating services or aps. If you suspect that someone is a scammer on our platforms, you can send us an email here on sisterwives.com.

Freeze your accounts, change your cards, contact the right companies

If you gave them access to your bank account or another card, contact the company and let them know you want to change your account information. Change your security passwords.

If you paid someone through a gift card, tell the company what happened, and they may be able to refund you. If not, you can file a claim to the FTC.

For more information on dating safety, take a look at our article on how to spot red flags when dating.






Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

Meeting new people can feel exciting and full of possibilities. You get to dress up, share stories, and maybe form a real connection. Despite all the good that can happen, it’s important to remember that some people are not who they appear to be. Geoffrey Paschel, for example, was on the fourth season of 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days but was later convicted of kidnapping and assaulting his ex-fiancée, Kristen Wilson. In that 2019 incident, Wilson ended up with a concussion, bruises, and cuts. Paschel also had previous drug charges on his record, which affected his sentencing in February 2022. He received 18 years without parole. This case is a clear reminder that someone’s outward charm can disguise an abusive or dangerous side, and you can experience this at any stage of dating, even a first date.

Many people who go through frightening or toxic situations never receive widespread attention or a clear sense of justice. Sometimes, they are unaware of the risk they are in until they’ve suffered real damage. That’s why it can help to know the red flags from the start, along with safety tips for meeting someone for the first time. Below, you’ll find suggestions for keeping your first date safer, spotting warning signs if you decide to continue the relationship, understanding online dating risks, and knowing where to turn if trouble arises. This advice isn’t meant to scare you away from dating. Instead, it gives you tools to stay mindful and safe while you explore new connections.

Staying Safe on a First Date

Choosing the right setting for a first date can make a huge difference in how comfortable and secure you feel. Public places with plenty of people around, like coffee shops, casual restaurants, or even a daytime park event, are great for an initial meeting. Avoid secluded spots, your own house, or your date’s place right away. If the person you’re meeting knows where you live and the encounter turns awkward or frightening, they could show up at your home unannounced in the future. Some people even prefer meeting in a part of town that’s different from where they live, just in case the date doesn’t go well.

Planning your own way to get there and back is another step toward controlling your safety. Drive yourself, take a rideshare, or have a friend drop you off and pick you up. That way, you can leave whenever you want and aren’t stuck waiting on someone who might be making you uncomfortable. If the date seems nice, you can always stay longer. But if you feel pressured or uneasy, you can exit quickly without depending on the other person.

It’s also smart to let a friend or family member know your plans. Give them the time and place of the date, the name of the person you’re meeting, and a rough estimate of when you’ll be home. You could use check-in apps like uSafeUs or SafeDate that send reminders for you to confirm you’re safe. Another option is sharing your phone’s real-time location using something like Google Maps on Android or the Find My app on iPhone. A simple code word agreed upon in advance can be your way of saying, “Help me out” without the other person realizing you’re calling for backup.

Many people also choose to limit or skip alcohol and other substances on a first date. Drinking can dull your judgment and make it harder to notice red flags. If you do decide to drink, consider a lower limit that helps you remain alert. If you start feeling uncomfortable due to the situation or the amount you’ve had to drink, remember you can always leave. Your safety comes first.

First Date Red Flags

Even if you follow these precautions, it’s important to keep an eye out for behavior that signals potential danger. Here are some red flags to watch for right away:

• They keep pushing to go somewhere private. If your date insists on leaving your public location to go back to your place or theirs, especially when you’ve just met, this can be a tactic to isolate you. Trust your intuition if you feel rushed or uneasy.

• They ignore your personal space. Maybe they try to hug or kiss you when you haven’t shown interest, or they keep touching you despite hints (or outright statements) that you’re uncomfortable. Disregarding boundaries is a strong sign of disrespect. For more on limits in relationships, check out polyamory and healthy boundaries.

• They use negging or half-insults. Negging involves backhanded compliments that are meant to lower your self-esteem. Comments like, “I’m surprised that outfit looks good on you,” or, “You’re actually smart for someone who didn’t go to college,” are designed to make you crave their approval.

• They refuse to change locations or plans. If you propose a different spot and they ignore your suggestion, it could mean they don’t care about your comfort. In extreme cases, it might even indicate they planned something you wouldn’t like.

• They keep lying or changing their stories. If your date contradicts their own background info or job details, they might be hiding something bigger. Be wary of repeated inconsistencies.

• They trash everyone around them. If they spend most of the date criticizing former partners, coworkers, family members, or friends, it could hint at deeper emotional problems. They might eventually treat you the same way.

• They love bomb you. Over-the-top affection or expensive gifts right from the start might seem flattering, but it’s sometimes a ploy to make you feel indebted or attached. Abusers often use love bombing before showing controlling behavior.

• They pick fights over tiny things. It’s normal to have different opinions, but constant arguments or raised voices over small details may reveal anger issues. A calm conversation should not feel like a battle.

New Relationship Red Flags

If your first few dates go smoothly and you decide to keep seeing each other, pay attention to how things progress:

1. They don’t respect your time or opinions. A partner might demand that you drop your hobbies or constantly rearrange your schedule to please them. Small demands can quickly turn into major control tactics, eroding your personal life.

2. They threaten you. Threats can be physical or emotional, including breaking objects, raising a hand to intimidate you, or implying they’ll harm themselves if you don’t comply. None of that should ever be part of a loving or healthy bond.

3. They make every decision for you. It’s fine if they occasionally pick a restaurant or plan an outing, but if you’re never allowed input or feel guilty for disagreeing, that’s an alarming pattern. Healthy relationships involve both people having a say.

4. They interfere with birth control. In a heterosexual relationship, lying about contraceptives or insisting that you avoid them is known as reproductive coercion. Learn more at reproductive coercion. You have every right to protect your body.

5. They isolate you from loved ones. Individuals who want total control might discourage you from seeing friends or family. They could claim your friends are a bad influence or make you feel guilty for having your own support network. As Waypoint Services explains, isolating someone is a common tactic in dating violence.

6. They pressure you to do things you don’t want to do. This could be about alcohol, drugs, or sexual acts. People like Geoffrey Paschel have used force or intimidation to get their way. If you notice controlling or scary behavior at any point, trust your gut and create distance sooner rather than later.

Online Dating Safety

Many people today meet potential dates through apps or websites. While this can be a great way to connect with people you’d never meet otherwise, it also carries certain risks:

• Watch out for fake or catfishing profiles. Some people post stolen photos or made-up details to earn your trust.

• In niche dating circles, such as polyamorous communities, scammers might pretend to be into the lifestyle but are actually seeking money or personal info. For more on this, read red flags in online poly dating.

• Avoid sharing your address or too many personal details too quickly. If someone tries to steer the conversation toward your finances, that’s a major red flag.

• Use apps or sites that give you ways to report suspicious behavior. Look for platforms with security features like photo verification or background checks.

Protecting yourself online also means securing your digital presence. Be cautious about sending private photos or information that could be used against you later. Don’t click on any suspicious links that someone you barely know sends you, and do a bit of research on the person if something feels off.

Additional Safety Strategies

Encourage open communication with friends. If your close friends notice changes in your behavior or suspect something is wrong, listen to them. They might see troubling patterns before you do. Regularly checking in with a friend about your dating experiences can help you stay aware of red flags.

Trust your instincts. If a voice in your head tells you something isn’t right, take it seriously. Often, people downplay their own concerns to avoid seeming rude or dramatic, but ignoring your intuition can lead to real harm. It’s always better to be cautious than to stick around in a risky situation.

Know that leaving might mean leaving fast. In some cases, your safety can depend on leaving without giving the other person a warning. That might mean stepping away while they’re distracted or even calling a friend to come get you. You never owe someone who makes you feel unsafe a lengthy explanation for why you want to go.

Create a practical plan. If you plan on going out with someone you don’t know well, consider having a friend call you at a certain time to confirm everything is okay. You could also arrange a subtle “I need help” text you can send if you require an excuse to leave.

Where to Get Help

If you ever feel scared or suspect your relationship is taking a dangerous turn, reaching out for support is vital. Confidential hotlines are available to listen and guide you:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Local shelters, nonprofit organizations, and hotlines often provide free advice, counseling, and even safe housing if you face an immediate threat. Sometimes, talking to a friend, counselor, or relative helps you gain the clarity to see that you’re in a harmful situation. People on the outside may notice shifts in your mood or behavior that you’ve become too overwhelmed to see yourself.

Staying safe doesn’t mean you have to be suspicious of everyone you meet. Dating can still open doors to wonderful friendships, experiences, and even a life partner. However, when you take steps like meeting in public, telling a friend your plans, and knowing your personal boundaries, you’re better equipped to spot problems early. The balance between open-mindedness and caution is what helps you stay both safe and social.

Keep in mind that you have every right to feel comfortable and respected in any dating scenario. If something or someone sets off alarm bells, trusting your instincts can keep you from getting tangled in a bad situation. While you can’t always predict how someone will act, having a plan in place, like a friend’s check-in call, can make a big difference.

Ultimately, the most important thing is remembering that you deserve safety, respect, and honesty in your dating life. If you ever find yourself in a situation that feels wrong, there’s no shame in stepping away. You never owe someone more time if they’re crossing lines or making you feel uneasy. By practicing these safety habits, you’ll be able to explore the dating world with more confidence, knowing you’re looking out for your well-being at every step.

Published By: Sister Wives  

Matchmakers Inc

When it comes to trustworthy poly dating apps and services, your choices can seem sparse. From hordes of polycurious users searching for hookups to lustful couples hunting for unicorns, some online dating apps are problematic. Here at Sister Wives, we always aim to give you the best poly dating experience whether that’s on our app or our website. In fact, we’re the first poly dating service to acquire a trademark. We got ours through the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) Word Mark. We registered “Sister Wives” for the International Class (IC) 25 Apparel trademark class and the IC 45 trademark class for Services in Dating and Matchmaking.

Why does this matter? Well, we believe in building credibility where we can and staying ahead of other apps and services. You know us by our name and our logo. We protect that association and our reputation through the trademark registration process.

What’s the difference between a trademark and a copyright?

These two registration processes are similar, but they differ.

Trademark

Per the USPTO, a trademark is a “word, phrase, design” or any mix of the three that distinguishes you from competitors. Registering a company is also a good way of protecting your brand should others try to imitate yours. For instance, our Sister Wives trademark sets us apart from other poly dating apps and services in the market like Feeld and PolyFinda. Since we registered our logo and name, no other poly dating apps (or services) can exploit these.

Copyright

Copyright, on the other hand, is your claim to an original work you can touch, see, or hear. This includes music, novels, photos, and movies. Copyrighting a piece of work prevents others from recreating or distributing your work without your permission. In “Terms of Use and Agreements,” you might also see a copyright clause. This usually means that the site or app has the right to use anything you post to their platform. In this case, you’re giving up your right to your copy, be it a comment or photo you posted.

What is the difference between the ™ and ® symbols?

The trademark symbol can be used by anyone for any phrase, service, or good, even if it isn’t trademarked yet. On the other hand, the R symbol is reserved for the business that owns that phrase, service, or good. Only trademarked items can bear the R symbol. What’s more, the R symbol is only valid in countries/states/regions where your service or good is registered.

Are dating apps copyrighted?

Yes, most dating apps are copyrighted. Poly dating apps may choose to protect certain phrases, app features, or distinct services. For instance, Tinder’s logo is copyrighted like Sister Wives’ logo. Their iconic “Swipe Left” app feature is also copyrighted and trademarked as well as their “Swipe Right” app feature.

What is intellectual property?

In the simplest terms, intellectual property is something someone made. This includes the aforementioned logos, services, and phrases. Copyrights and trademarks are ways to protect intellectual property. Another common way is with a patent, which is used for inventions.

Trademark infringement

This violation is straightforward — it’s when an individual or business wrongfully uses a trademark without the licensee’s permission. If another poly dating app sold sweatshirts using the Sister Wives logo without our knowledge, it would be trademark infringement. Another example is if someone used our Sister Wives logo but instead of a pink heart, they used a red one. You’ll find that trademark infringement happens most in knockoff apparel and goods.

So what?

Like learning how to identify fake dating profiles online, learning how to weed out fake companies can only be beneficial. Deceptive companies who use trademarked services and logos can steal your information or scam you out of your purchases. Poly dating apps and services are just an example of where intellectual property know-how comes in handy. If you’re interested, you can take a look at Sister Wives’ terms of use for our copyright and user agreement specifications.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

The holidays can be a very busy, yet very gratifying, time of year. For many, it’s filled with an abundance of love, but for some, it can be a sensitive season.

Poly dating during the holiday season can be overly demanding on your mental, emotional, and physical health. You have multiple partners to consider, friends to meet, and maybe even kids to think of. If your family celebrates with gifts and food, then you may have even more on your plate. Here’s our guide on surviving the end-of-year festivities.

Before you go mad trying to plan, shop, and prepare, consider our tips on managing poly dating during the long holiday break.

Carefully plan your events, but be prepared to make accommodations

Yes, preparation is key to preventing party troubles, but overpreparing can hurt, too. One way you can manage anxiety around poly dating during the holidays is by making sure you speak with your partner(s) about expectations.

Who will be there?

It can feel uncomfortable telling new partners they won’t be included in your family party, especially if they’re new suitors. But being transparent is the best practice here. Clarify who will be where so you can make the necessary arrangements.

It’s also common practice to host different events for different groups. You can spend time with your family in the morning and with your significant others at night without feeling guilty.

How long are the festivities?

When you’re having fun, it’s easy to lose track of time. Setting temporal limits around celebrations can ensure you don’t get overwhelmed if guests overstay their welcome.

Setting a specific time is also crucial if you don’t happen to be “out” as a poly couple or individual just yet. If your family were to walk in on your polycule for instance, there’s a potential of some awkward exchanges—exchanges you maybe weren’t emotionally ready for just yet.

When you stagger events throughout the day, it becomes crucial to enforce time limits. 

Are we exchanging presents, bringing food, or just having drinks?

The holidays are big on food, drinks, and presents. Before the party, make sure you and your partners are clear on expectations around these, especially gifts.

● Are you expected to get your metamour a present?

● If you’re a secondary partner to a couple who’s hosting a dinner with their family, are you expected to bring a dish plus small gifts for everyone? 

● If you’re hosting a lunch and inviting a primary partner to you and your nesting partner’s place, are they expected to come over and help you set up?

These are just a few examples, but they can help open up some conversations about the holidays as a poly lover.

Try to fit in dedicated time with your partners

It helps to find time to speak with your partners one-on-one about holiday plans. This can help prevent hurt feelings or disappointment which could lead to resentment. For example, if you and your partner have been courting another couple for several months, does this mean you’ll have a blended family gathering? 

This can turn into a game of chicken where both sides will feel let down if the other doesn’t make a move.

Again, another situation you might find yourself in is determining whether or not all your partners would even want to spend the holidays together. If you are the host, make sure to let your partners know when the others may be coming so they can plan ahead.

Talk about and clarify boundaries if family members or friends are present

If your family doesn’t know about your poly status, you might hold off on inviting your partners to the big dinner. This can make your partner feel unloved if they assume you are hiding them from your parents, siblings, and other relatives. Prepare to have these types of conversations with an extra dose of empathy.

On the other hand, if your partner knows your situation and still wants to participate during the holidays as a “friend,” then that could be a way to slowly introduce them to your family.

You might also discuss what level of affection you’re comfortable displaying to your friends and family between you and your partners. Is hugging acceptable? Would holding hands on the couch in front of everyone be too intimate?

Start some unique traditions

One way you can strengthen bonds during the holidays is by starting some new traditions. Of course, you may already have some you carried over from childhood, like watching movies on New Year’s Day or ordering in on Christmas Eve. Here are some more wholesome ideas to try out.

● Bake a dessert together

● Exchange gratitude affirmations instead of (or in addition to) gifts

● Donate supplies or toys to your local organizations

Don’t be afraid to say no

Hosting holiday parties can be taxing. So can attending parties. Be gentle on your mind and body by saying no if you feel like you’re taking on too much responsibility or RSVP-ing to too many events.

Here are some ways you can say no.

● Be honest. Tell them you don’t have the time or resources to do X thing.

● Offer an alternative even if you say no.

● Turn them down gently by saying you’ll have to check your schedule or follow up with your work calendar.

● Thank your friend, family member, or partner for the invitation, but you simply can’t make it. You don’t owe people an explanation.

Final Thoughts

Poly dating can make the holidays feel even more of a whirlwind, but understand that most poly celebrations look just like any other party. Our main piece of advice is setting boundaries about your time, resources, and intention with every dinner, lunch, or all-day party.

If you want more tips on navigating this busy time, check out our other post about Poly Dating and Christmas.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

In poly dating, a metamour is your partner’s other partner. This definition can vary between different poly relationships. For instance, are you a triad who all have relationships with one another? Are you in a hierarchical relationship, and your metamour is the secondary partner? Are you practicing solo polyamory and not seeking to forge a relationship between your partners?

Whatever your poly dating arrangement, getting long with your metamour is as simple as establishing boundaries, respecting those boundaries, and communicating clearly. You might even find that you don’t want to create a deep relationship with them after all — for whatever reason — and that’s acceptable, too.

What is a typical metamour relationship in poly dating?

There is no typical relationship of this sort, but you might observe that most metamours at least know each other as acquaintances with friendly rapport. In many cases, they can become close friends or even romantic or sexual partners, depending on the specific relationship.

Metamours can be a source of comfort and support since you have a common partner. Your lives are likely to overlap, and it may be beneficial to have someone to talk to that’s going through the same things.

Take it slow

But that’s not to say that you have to meet your partner’s other beloved at all. In fact, if you’re the hinge of a poly relationship, be careful not to force your partners to meet each other if they don’t initiate it. Ideally, you want to have the talk with your partner(s) beforehand if they want to get to know their metamours or not.

Additionally, some partners might make it a point not to meet metamours until you’ve been together for at least a few months. Some partners might enjoy meeting everyone you have a connection with, whether or not the relationship has the potential to last long or not.

At the very least, swapping phone numbers or social media handles may be a more casual way to introduce one another. It’s also a good idea in case of an emergency. If you and your partner live together and your partner’s lover comes over often, then of course prolonging your meeting may be more difficult.

Just know that there’s no pressure to build a relationship with them if that’s not in your agreement with your partner. This is good news for introverts who may need some time to prepare to meet new people, or for people new to poly dating who have never had this kind of complex relationship before.

Establish respectful boundaries

If and when you do meet your partner’s other sweetheart, it’s important to go in with some ground rules first. No questions are too bottom of the barrel, either. You might ask what time you plan on hanging out and until when. 

Is your partner allowed you to talk to you about personal matters about your metamour, and vice versa? Who will be there? Just you two or your mutual partner, too? If your mutual partner will be present, how affectionate/intimate will they be with your metamour? Or with you?

Finally, set a time to reflect on the meeting with your partner later on. You don’t have to reveal everything you talked about, but it may be a nice way to bond and it can strengthen your relationship knowing you and their other partner have connected.

Resist the urge to mediate between your partner and your metamour

If your partner and their other partner are at odds, it’s natural to want to step in. After all, you don’t want to see your companion hurt or emotional, and you may say the same about your metamour if you are close. But boundaries are there for a reason.

They have their own relationship, and just like you wouldn’t meddle in your friends’ relationship, you might want to step back here, too. This is not to say you don’t care about the goings-on of their day-to-day, but poly dating calls for some delicate slacklining between being an external party and an involved party.

Their relationship may indeed affect you, but it’s not your job or responsibility to solve their problems. If they ask for your advice, then that’s a different case. If they do, it may be difficult for you to stay impartial, and it’s okay to say you can lend a sympathetic ear, but giving advice may be above your pay grade.

What if I don’t want to connect with my metamour?

One common fear partners have before meeting their metamour is the fear of not feeling a connection. Or perhaps, equally worse, feeling jealousy or dislike towards them. You may even ask yourself, “I don’t see what [my partner] sees in [this person].”

But guess what? It’s not your duty to see or know what your partner feels in others. They are their own person, after all, and the beauty of polyamory is being open-minded and accepting. You may feel uncomfortable if you find that you have zero things in common with someone they feel passionate about. You may feel insecure if you perceive that this potential partner is “better” than you in some ways, whether that’s in looks, career prospects, financial status, etc.

If you experience negative feelings when meeting a partner’s suitor, it can be helpful to relay them to your partner after the meeting ends. They are the common link nonethelessl, and they can provide insight into your current emotional state.

However, again, there’s no obligation to meet your metamour — just make sure you convey your reasoning with your partner and make sure you are on the same page.

Where should I meet my metamour?

If you feel ready to meet your partner’s companion, ask to meet at a place where you feel relaxed. A cafe, an outdoor park, a brunch spot — somewhere neutral where you don’t feel pressured to act a certain way. While your living room (or theirs) can make you feel anxious about your relationship with your partner, a place with no ties to either of you may be best.

Meeting your metamour is a big deal for many people in the poly dating scene, but it doesn’t have to come with a mountain of pressure. Just thinking of it as meeting your best friend’s other close friend. If you connect on a deeper level, great, if you don’t, you just maintain friendly contact.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

The freedom to make choices is the mainstay of polyamory and polygamous relationships. Whether that’s choosing to be a solo polyamorist, choosing to spiritually marry two wives, or choosing to stay in a hierarchical relationship — the point is, polyamory is about the fluid boundaries we get to determine.

But there’s also a nagging question about choice in consensual nonmonogamy: is it an innate orientation or is it a conscious choice? There’s no clear-cut answer, but the closest we can get to one is that it depends on the person and relationship(s) in question.

For many, feeling alienated by monogamy and rejecting its paradigm can be traced back to childhood. For others, exploring polyamory may have only been triggered after experiencing monogamy first. This latter example is the way most people view polyamory: a lifestyle, an alternative to monogamous relationships that people seek when they feel stifled by tradition. A way to release devious inhibitions.

LGBTQIA+ vs. Poly rights

Neither version is wrong or right. Relationship preferences, sexual orientation, gender — all these lie on a spectrum. However, the problem with viewing polyamory as a choice is that the law then justifies not protecting and advocating for polygamists’ and polyamorists’ rights using this same argument. If people who identify as LGBTQIA+ are born with a certain sexual orientation, then what right do polygamists have to the same legal protections LGBTQIA+ allies have?

This discrepancy is not meant to conflate LGBTQIA+ issues with polygamist ones, but rather highlight the shortcomings of our legal system in recognizing polygamist families as valid families. Families with three wives and a husband are valid. Families with a platonic third parent and two romantically and sexually involved parents are valid. Families that consist of a quad and multiple children are valid.

Benefits of monogamous marriage

Consider this example. A woman is married to Husband 1 but also lives with Husband 2 and Husband 3 — plus their five kids. Husband 2 is a stay-at-home parent, so they don’t have insurance through an employer. Husband 2 falls ill and requires hospitalization. Since he is not legally married to his spiritual wife, he is not on her insurance and so he cannot use her benefits to get medical help beyond the state/federal. The rest must come out-of-pocket or be taken out as debt.

This may not hold true for all insurance companies, but it is a sad reality for many poly families, especially those living on low- to modest incomes. Another stark difference between legally married partners and non-married partners is the inability to file taxes jointly.

Married monogamous couples get to enjoy tax breaks and deductibles. Even if an unmarried poly wife and multiple husbands live together and share expenses, the state does not recognize their union, so they do not enjoy the same benefits available to married couples.

There are countless other incentives to monogamous marriage, including access to a partner’s disability insurance benefits and even adoption tax credits. Moreover, parental custody for a poly parent always seems to be precarious. Coming out to friends and family as a polygamist may not be uncomfortable, but at worst, your loved ones can reject your so-called lifestyle. 

Children of polygamist families may face a constant threat of poly family in case of an untimely death. For example, one poly wife claimed that her family let her know that if she ever passed away, they would seek custody of her child instead of allowing her child to live with the blended family the child has known since infancy.

Poly identity and political discourse

So polyamory isn’t just a choice or a “born this way” attribute. It’s a label that changes meaning depending on who you ask. If you ask a staunch monogamist, they might tell you it’s a plot to oppress women through financial and social restraint. If you ask a married polygamist, they might tell you it’s where their political and personal identities converge.

For many, this crossroad of personal relationships and legal, political rights feels like a battle zone. Until the state fully accepts and recognizes multi-parent homes as legal families, practicing polygamy indeed feels more of a conscious choice than an orientation. 

It’s not just about making choices about who you’re with and what boundaries you’re setting, but choosing to take on the battles at large that include decriminalizing polygamy, destigmatizing misconceptions about polygamy, and fighting for polygamy rights. 

If you want to learn more about why polyamory and polygamy aren’t an official part of the LGBTQIA+ community, we’ve written a great article here.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

Avoidance is a very natural part of being human. It stems from fear — whether it’s fear of the outcome of an event, fear of the difficult feelings that accompany an event, or just general fear of the actual event itself. Whether that’s fear of being your true self or fear of sitting down with a loved one and telling them how their actions are hurting you, avoidance is a common escape route.

Avoidance can chip away even at the strongest of bonds between sister wives and husbands. Poor communication skills, unresolved personal issues, and insecurity can manifest as avoidance and extreme fear.

Avoidance can work as a de-escalation tool in the short term. For instance, avoiding a big verbal fight can save you from saying things you don’t really mean in the heat of the moment. Avoiding a physical fight means you’re thinking sensibly and preventing yourself from getting hurt, potentially in a fatal way.

But avoidance as a coping mechanism? It can lead to relationships crumbling to the ground, in a span of a few weeks or over decades. Let’s look at some key examples from Sister Wives and Seeking Sister Wife to fully analyze this very human trait.

Feeling Neglected: A Sister Wife’s Catfishing Scandal

Years ago, Meri of Sister Wives was caught in a scandal after getting catfished by a woman posing as a man online. Her reasoning for chatting up strangers online? She felt neglected by long-time husband Kody Brown and needed affection he could not provide.

The issue:

Kody and Meri Brown had been facing marital issues for some time. Kody even went as far as to say he no longer felt romantic affection for his first wife. As a result, Meri looked for it elsewhere.

Bottom line is, Meri did not want to confront Kody about their deteriorating marriage. Yes, they had been attending therapy and needed to put in extra work to maintain their relationship, but at the end of the day, Meri made a choice. And this sister wife chose to avoid expressing her feelings and keep working on her relationship with her husband Kody.

The aftermath:

To this day, Kody feels somewhat betrayed by Meri seeking connection from internet strangers. This isn’t to say Kody doesn’t share the blame for their declining marriage, but now both must work to repair the damage. Presumably, Meri feels the weight of her decision — as we all do when we make decisions based on fear and insecurity. 

But what’s done is done, and by avoiding the hard work of repairing a marriage and laying their feelings out on the table, Kody and Meri’s relationship is still recuperating.

Jealousy: Paige McGee of Seeking Sister Wife

Another emotion humans tend to gloss over is jealousy. Even before the late Bernie McGee began testing the waters for finding a sister wife, wife Paige McGee was already anticipating jealousy. When he dove into the sister wife dating pool, Paige experienced these feelings a thousandfold.

The issue:

I’m no psychologist, but I believe that root of jealousy in sister wife relationships is partly the immense worry that your partner will like their new love interest so much that they’ll leave you behind to start a new life. And this is a valid fear. What if all those years you’ve dedicated to building a life with this person is suddenly gone because they’re electric with new relationship energy?

That’s likely what Paige felt, alongside the primal feeling of seeing her husband express interest in and spend time with other women. According to sources, her jealousy did not even stem from hearing family members speak about her husband’s interactions with other women: it was just pure jealousy. 

In this case, Paige avoided dealing with her intense feelings. She did not ask herself how she could manage jealousy, giving herself the grace needed to confront such strong feelings. Instead, she was consumed by them and in the end, she and her husband could not pursue a relationship with a new sister wife.

The aftermath:

Again, Paige and Bernie could not bring in a sister wife to their life because of Paige’s jealousy. It’s completely normal, and it’s one of the main reasons why exploring polyamory and polygamy can feel daunting. What do you do when you enjoy a sister wife’s companionship and love, but still feel resentful when they spend the night with your shared husband?

Don’t let things fester

Just from the two instances above, we can see that not talking things out — avoiding potentially difficult conversations — can lead to some pretty bad consequences. They can lead you to miss out on life-changing opportunities or creating irreparable damage.

What’s more, avoiding these feelings usually indicate that we need have a talk with ourselves. When we accept that some feelings just can’t be avoided in a polygamous relationship, we’re more like to face them with the assurance that we’ll come out on the other side as a better person.

We’re more likely to look jealousy, resentment, and insecurity in the face and say: I see you, I acknowledge you, and I have the power to move on from you. Of course, this is easier said than done. When we are in the middle of a rough patch (either for personal, interpersonal, or professional reasons), it can be easy to get lost in the tunnel and never see anything beyond another dreadful day.

But listen. Avoiding your feelings only makes you feel worse. It feeds negative energy that can make even the simplest issues feel Herculean. So I challenge you today to be brave and confront life and your relationships with newfound confidence. Because relationships are never easy, but healthy relationships are so worth the fight.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com

In a conventional, monogamous marriage, divorce and death are somewhat straightforward. Often, the property both spouses acquired during the marriage is split evenly. Everything else each spouse already had before the marriage or other assets they inherited is not shared. This practice, known as community property law, is present in just nine states across the US.

So when a couple files for divorce, sorting out property and assets is generally an uncontested process, especially if they have a prior agreement like a prenuptial. But what happens in polygamous relationships where there may be three, four, or five people involved? What happens to a sister wife if their husband dies and she was not legally married to him?

Bigamy, the act of marrying someone while you’re already married, is illegal in every state. Consequently, polygamists marry just one wife (on paper, anyway) and then “spiritually marry” sister wives who later join their home. When a primary spouse passes away – aka someone who was the original legal marriage agreement — the process gets tricky.

Legally, most assets and properties belong to the person they were married to, and not the sister wives who came later on. In many cases, a husband might marry and remarry sister wives just to obtain certain legal rights for the wife and family. For instance, Kody Brown of TLC’s Sister Wives divorced his first wife Meri and married his fourth wife Robyn so he could legally adopt Robyn’s children.

Certain benefits are born from legal marriage, too. Insurance benefits, tax deductions, and even work leave benefits come to mind. Polygamists are deprived of these basic rights because the system does not recognize the validity of their relationship. It does not fit the man-marries-woman framework that property laws cater to.

But to answer the original question, only a sister wife who was legally married to her husband has a right to any property or asset. Everything else must be settled personally or through lengthy court processes which differ by state.

Do modern sister wives live together?

There’s no one-size-fits-all for living arrangements, especially in polygamous relationships. There are, however, trends we can observe. Here are some common living habits a sister wife might experience.

Everyone lives under the same roof.

Often, a large house with sizable outdoor areas is preferred. With the stigma surrounding the polygamist lifestyle, many families might seek out more suburban or rural areas.

For city dwellers, younger partners, or people with no kids, living in an apartment or small house may be the best solution.

Each wife and/or family lives separately.

This might be true for extra-large families that simply need their own space. Clashing schedules, strong personalities, and different work locations all come into play. Families may meet as often as once a day or a few times a week, and special holidays are a big deal.

Each sister wife visits their primary partner in turns.

In cases where there is a “home base” plus separate homes, families may take turns spending time together. This could be a weekly arrangement to ensure every sister wife (and children, if applicable), receives the same amount of quality time with the main spouse.

A sister wife lives on her own but visits often.

Not every polyamorist wants to live together or spend every waking moment together with his or her partners. You and your partner might work out an arrangement where a sister wife stays over every weekend. After all, you are all adults with separate lives.

Everyone lives in a commune.

This is far less common than other types of modern arrangements, but it does exist. In some pockets across the US, commune living is possible. Several families live in a village-type community where the rules aren’t so rigid. 

The exact relationships between adults may be undefined and are up to the consenting individuals to determine — if they wish to do so. A benefit in commune living is receiving more help with childcare, utilizing a better support system, and experiencing less pressure stemming from social discrimination.

The future of property laws in plural marriages

As you can see, dividing properties in plural marriages may not be so simple. Already, you have the issue of partners not being legally married but are still just as committed as a couple holding a marriage certificate.

As Diane J. Klein states in the article “Plural Marriage and Community Property Law,” there must be “...the introduction of new marital property concepts” if polygamists are to receive the same benefits as everyone else. This will help streamline property division processes in the event of death or divorce.

A recent survey found that one out of five adults in the US thinks polygamy is “morally acceptable” so social opinion is already shifting. However, legal overhauls may still need decades of work to fully serve sister wife and polygamous arrangements. What do you think is the next best step for lawmakers?

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers Inc: Sisterwives.com