Chris's article

We’re all guilty of pushing our personal views onto other people a little too hard at times. It’s easy to feel confident you are correct about something and become frustrated at anyone with an opposing view. You often can believe you’re actually helping someone by persuading them to think like you. Maybe you are, Maybe you’re not. There’s trouble brewing either way when you become inflexible. None of us have all of the answers and our discourse should be focused on sharing ideas rather than claiming moral or logical superiority against others with perfectly reasonable views. Not everything needs to be personal outside of your own intimate relationships. Here are some thoughts on choosing your battles wisely, respecting the choices and views of others, and contributing to a more accepting world where people can pursue their polyamorous dreams without fear of discriminatory interference.

An important concept to embrace is how useless your negative opinions are in the grand scheme. This isn’t about feeling you don’t matter and can’t contribute. It’s about the diminishing impact you have on the world as you foster negative views. There is a difference between skepticism and negativity, by the way. For example, it’s perfectly reasonable to believe polygamy and polyamory are entirely different things. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to school people for identifying as polygamous when you believe they are only polyamorous. If a group of poly lovers choose to describe their relationship as polygamous in an effort to express a greater level of commitment to each other it is nobody’s right to tell them they are wrong. On the other hand, if a woman wants to be a traditional sister wife it’s only expected she would likely not choose a family that involves two men. It’s not about doing anything that isn’t right for oneself. It’s about realizing that everyone is different and should be able to follow their own path without others attempting to ‘correct’ them along the way. 

Let’s say you’re a person that feels very strongly that the rules of monogamy and polygamy are set in stone. It’s one man and one woman, or one man and multiple wives, only. There are plenty of people in the world that will support your views. It will be easy to feel very confident that you are absolutely correct and that people should listen to you. There are certainly millions around the world on your side. The fact is, plenty of same sex marriages have been wildly successful and it made more people happy in the world. There are thousands of successful mixed gender group relationships in the world identifying as polygamous, or whatever they prefer, and this also has lead to more happy people in the world. If the joy of others upsets you, you are the problem. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t follow your own heart in your personal life, but every reason to respect others following their hearts as well. 

There are situations where your strong opinions are needed to persuade others. If you see someone trying to go along with a relationship that is clearly unhealthy there should be no hesitation with offering your advice and help. The dating world, poly or not, can be a tricky and dangerous place. From sex cults to lone abusers, there are predators out there looking for prey. Respecting the choices of others doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye to obvious dangers. Love and sex can play crazy tricks on the best of us. If you see sudden changes in a friends personality after they meet someone, signs of physical abuse, or any red flags don’t be afraid to thwart the relationship. Tread carefully and respectfully, but never let them slip away into a world they might not be able to escape without a real effort to pull them back to their senses. Polyamory is about love. It’s not about abuse and control, and that’s an opinion it’s okay to enforce.

As acceptance grows for many different types of loving relationships so, too, will opinions about them multiply. It’s easy to jump on a naysayer bandwagon as humans have an odd affinity for mob mentalities. Before picking and choosing which non-monogamous relationships you’ll accept or reject, and insisting on telling them how to define their own relationships, think about the effect your opinion actually has on the world. Is it really helping anyone but the naysayers that are impossible to please? Eventually those naysayers will find fault in your life too. That’s what they do. Do you really want to be a part of that? Why not be a part of the world that’s trying to make it a happier and more accepting place? Before jumping on a friends back when they mention their account on a polygamy dating site, ask them how that would work for them. Instead of telling your friend the couple they’ve met is only using them for sex, or worse, talk to them about how they picture a future with them. How would it work? The life of a sister wife or member of a polyamorous group is often quite wonderful. Don’t have a negative impact on them. If you really cannot respect someone else’s relationship it’s better to walk away. 

Everyone is trudging through life doing the best they can. The number of obstacles and barriers people face make it difficult enough to find and maintain joy. Showing love and support for all the diversity around you will reward your life with experiences and insights that are invaluable. Having personal views that stem from a place of love, support, and acceptance will only lead to more satisfaction in your own life. When you see people loving each other whatever way they see fit, be happy for them. Your opinion about the dynamics and labels they should be embracing is irrelevant to their experience. If nothing else, consider the old saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, why say anything at all?” This is especially true when your words only seek to cause harm, which is not helping anyone. Spread love and stop hate.   

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: 

A passing thought about polyamory can make it seem like an easy and care-free lifestyle that mostly only immature young adults enjoy. There is a certain freedom to be enjoyed when people choose to not limit intimacy and love in their lives. Less finality and more opportunity is lovely, but comes with responsibilities that should not be ignored. Intimacy with more than one person means more chances to cause emotional trauma, more sexual partners means a higher health risk, and following an unfamiliar life path leads to unique circumstances you and many of your peers simply won’t understand. You become part of an ‘alternative lifestyle’ which can expose you to heavy scrutiny. Don’t let any of this discourage you. Your poly life can be one of great beauty and fulfillment as long as you’ve considered your true desires and how to approach them in respectful and constructive ways. 

Think about your ultimate relationship. Do you want to be a sister wife? Would you like one or more lovers of the opposite or same sex, or both? Are you a man that wants sister wives, or would like to join other men and all share one wife or girlfriend together? If you could paint the picture of your perfect family or intimate group, what would it look like? Take this part seriously because this is what will drive all of the decisions and behaviors you’ll need to develop in order to have the life you want in a fulfilling and ethical manner. There are no limits to the life you ultimately desire. As long as you intend and cause no harm, and are genuinely following your heart, you can rest assured you’re doing the right things. 

If you simply don’t wish to commit to anyone romantically, but enjoy finding sexual partners frequently, you are not polyamorous. You can have an open relationship with one or more partners, but sex outside of the relationship is just sleeping around. There is nothing wrong with this as long as any people you have committed to are aware of your activities, however, those behaviors should not be considered a form of polyamory. It’s actually what many people incorrectly perceive as polyamory. Polyamory and polygamy imply a certain degree of investment beyond getting laid. ‘The Ethical Slut’ is a great read that lays out how to live a slutty lifestyle while minimizing risks. If you and/or your partners insist on sleeping around you should read it and consider the behaviors you can develop to protect yourself and others from any harm. 

This leads to poly and polygamy dating in a new pandemic weary world. If you and/or your partners are seeking others to join you romantically it means you have to meet new people, which can lead to sexual encounters regardless of new relationships working or not. It should be pointed out that in order to ethically have sex with anyone many of the standards pointed out here should have already been followed. There has always been risk involved when sleeping with what essentially are strangers. Talk about any risk you bring to the encounter and ask questions about risks the others may pose. This has to become part of the experience without ruining the moment. We have to get comfortable with it. Mostly, we have to tell the truth. There is no way to stay ahead of an outbreak if people are not being candid and taking health risks, of any kind, seriously. If you find yourself afraid of this discussion, or incapable of presenting the truth about your risks, you need to put your sex life on pause to consider your motivations. 

An insatiable sex drive is not a problem if you come by it honestly. Wanting multiple regular partners because you don’t want to overwhelm one person is arguably an amazing gift, good for you. On the flip side, an unquenchable sex drive stemming from an emotional issue runs a high risk of falling into destructive behavior. Dating to find healthy connections with new people and grow your group or family should not be influenced by destructive behavior. It should be a well considered and intentional experience where you’re seeking real connections with people that share similar desires in life and love. This is why it’s so important to be in touch with your personal drives and motivations. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself meeting the wrong people and trying to forge relationships that have no chance of real success. Nobody wants to be lonely, but better to spend some time alone than to hurt yourself and others through desperate attempts to force doomed relationships to work. 

In the time you spend alone it will be easy to believe the naysayers when they say you’re doing something wrong. Choosing to challenge societal norms naturally leads to some level of ostracization because without imposing consequences, society at large feels it’s losing control. People that choose to live outside of the heterosexual, monogamous, patriarchy have a responsibility to support each other. Consider yourself your own, new, letter in the LGBTQ+ movement. In order to be happy, you need supportive friends. In order to enjoy the support of friends it’s only fair to offer your support in return. These are the people that will help you embrace yourself and keep you strapped to your seat while you ride the roller coaster of finding love. Trust them when they’re concerned for you. Tell them when you see red flags they may not notice. The bond you share is just as strong as with any lover you’ll find. Treasure your friends. 

Common themes when discussing ethics are honesty with yourself and others, respect for yourself and others, integrity, intent, and generosity. Nobody is perfect. We will all fall short at times until the day we die. It’s important to genuinely forgive yourself while you sort out the influences pushing you in the right and wrong directions. As you search for that perfect poly love situation, or polygamous family, you can’t forget the number one relationship in your life is with yourself. If you don’t love and respect yourself, it will be difficult to offer others the love and respect they deserve from you. Yes, you can meet a friend or lover that helps you to that goal, but you have to lay the groundwork first. The best thing about approaching anything in life ethically is you can be assured of better results. Feeling good about your choices and being a reliable friend or lover will never lead you astray. Be safe, be strong, and always spread love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

The dating world is tough to navigate no matter your preference for potential partners or lifestyle. Saying hello for the first time, spending those first moments together, and learning about each other is exciting and stressful all at the same time. On top of all of the struggle to find love is the unfortunate reality that disasters will strike. As the old saying goes, *stuff happens. All of us will face things in life that require all of our energy and focus, but the need for human connection cannot be pushed aside. Everyone is living in one of those unfortunate moments right now. Many are stuck at home wondering if life can ever return to normal. Coronavirus, or Covid-19, is likely to change everything for a very long time, maybe forever. Here are some things to consider while confined to home and moving forward as a polyamorous or polygamous person in a world forever affected. 

The main thing everyone has to commit to, immediately, is taking outbreaks like coronavirus (Covid-19) seriously. That’s the first line of defense. Staying home when a deadly virus is circulating will allow the time needed to reduce the speed of its spread and keep it to a level that won’t overwhelm healthcare facilities. Deadly viruses don’t have to be so deadly if we can slow them down and ensure access to care to everyone that catches them. If you are in the polygamy dating or poly world consider new ways to date.

Online dating is a great way to make contact with potential new partners or sister wives, and from there you can plan to meet in person once it’s safe to go out again. It’s going to be very tempting to meet sooner, but, stay strong and committed to protecting yourself, and everyone else too! If you all get sick, what’s the point? Be sick and die together? Don’t be ridiculous. Better to be smart together and find ways to have fun in the safety of home. 

Look into applications like Skype, Facetime, and Zoom. With some, you can have multiple people in one chat or meeting which is perfect for your polyamorous group, or for all your sister wives to join in. If you prefer to stick to messaging only, you can have movie dates simply by starting a movie at the same time as a friend and message each other throughout. Share a playlist and dance together on a call. You can even get sexy with all of your lovers at the same time on video chat if you’re feeling frisky. There are so many ways to hang out virtually with the people you love today. Use them the same with new people you’re meeting. Unfortunately, with disaster comes vultures, so watch closely for red flags or scammers. Never send money, nudes, or give out private information to someone you’ve never met. Many people have nothing better to do than to run scams from home right now, be careful not to waste any precious time on anyone that is suspect. Keep it fun, keep it sexy, find new ways to virtually connect, and maybe even invent new ways! The sky's the limit in the virtual world. Finding a new sister wife, polygamous husband, poly date, or poly partner of any kind has never been more accessible than it is today.  

No matter the risk involved, some people will insist on going out into the public and meeting for a date, or worse, going to one or the other’s home. It’s understandable that, for many, virtual hangouts just aren’t the same. It’s natural that you’ll want to share physical space with each other. While it’s risky and absolutely not encouraged there are a few things you can do to mitigate the dangers. Some areas, even areas on lock down, are allowing people to spend some time outdoors in certain places, like parks. Meeting someone new can happen in these spaces, but keep the standards of social distancing in mind. Walk and talk a few feet apart, at least. Don’t kiss, don’t hug, don’t hold hands. Remember that you aren’t only protecting yourself, you’re also protecting them. Shifting your focus off of self protection and toward protecting others helps with adopting safer behavior. It’s not fair, and not right, to put others at risks you were willing to take. Shift your perspective. Going to another person's home during a quarantine involves so many risks it’s unimaginable you’d want to do it. If you do, consider bringing a change of clean clothes and slippers to wear in their home. Take a shower when you arrive and leave your dirty clothes in a plastic bag. Wash your hands regularly while you’re visiting. Stay at least a few feet away from each other and do not engage in physical contact. If you insist on physical contact, the least you can do for each other is discuss your risk level first. Honestly, if you were too selfish to wait until it’s safe you’re part of the problem, but there are still steps you can take to mitigate the danger.    

Let’s get this straight. This is not advice from a medical professional. This is simply a plea for people to take Covid-19, or any deadly outbreak, seriously with a realization that some people will still take risks. If you feel a little under the weather, be honest about it. Don’t meet someone that thinks you’re completely healthy when you’ve been feeling even a little sick. If you’ve been around groups of people, talk about it. If you’ve been around someone that was diagnosed with Covid-19, it would be unconscionable not to share this information. Take real responsibility for your part in this pandemic and the safety of others.

Polyamory is an exciting lifestyle, but like most good things in life, there are always risks. Online dating and social media are modern phenomena that actually make this pandemic more bearable. Take advantage of it. Be smart. Learn to express your love in new, virtual ways. Humans are incredible. We’re able to fly to every corner of the Earth in mere hours nowadays. We’re witnessing the darker side of globalism with this rapid spread of a deadly virus, but we can help protect each other from danger while still meeting and mingling in ever more creative ways online. The world may never be the same. Instead of hearing that and being too sad over the loss of days gone, consider this a new opportunity for a better way forward. Polygamy will live on. Polyamory will continue to grow as one of the most beautiful ways to enjoy people you love. Sexuality will continue both enhancing and complicating lives. Change is ultimately good and if we take charge of this situation we can ensure a better, safer, future. Be safe and protect everyone around you. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Many people considering polyamory are discouraged by the unnatural feeling of the idea. Marriage involving only two people has been society's standard for so long that other options simply feel wrong. Fighting our natural inclination to love more than one person intimately has become a badge of honor. Monogamy works for a lot of people. There is absolutely no fault in it as long as it feels right for two people that choose it. There is a major problem with the judgment others face when they choose other standards to follow. The fact that the ability to have a relationship with more than one person takes time to master is not due to any fault in it. It’s a natural lifestyle that has been suppressed to the point of needing to be nurtured until you get it right. Society is waking up to polyamory and poly relationships are becoming safer and better for everyone involved. Here are ways you can embrace your poly dreams, or the poly relationships of your peers.

First off, all relationships are work. Even parents and their children have to work at maintaining healthy relationships. Most great friends go through a rough phase and have to decide to put their love for one another above their qualms. Love is complicated and deep. Assuming anyone wants a poly relationship due to a lack of ability to commit is unfair, and frankly, rude. There are few things more childish than adults that want to hold everyone to their personal standards and preferences. Building a poly family takes a lot of backbone. Your relationship will be judged harshly and you will face people that believe you are living in sin. All of this will be in addition to the normal struggles of any relationship. You will always have a dozen reasons to quit and plenty of people that will believe they’re helping you when you lean on them to leave a plural relationship. Be wary of the intentions of those that don’t respect you to begin with. Don’t leave people you love in an effort to live right in the eyes of others. Always build on what is right for you. 

The argument that plural relationships are not natural is a total non-starter. Mating for life exists in nature, sure, but it is not the only form of reproduction. There are many ways animals mate, even some rather violent ways. Few mammals have sex for both reproduction and enjoyment, but humans are one of them. The very nature of our intimacy, sexual urges, and ability to love multiple people so deeply shows that ‘mating for life’ is very likely the less natural option for humans. It’s important to stop concerning ourselves with natural things. We, as a society, should be supporting the human capacity to make our own choices. Cars are not natural. Brick and mortar homes are not natural. We don’t think those unnatural things are somehow sinful. Why would we consider a relationship that makes someone happy somehow evil? It’s not. What’s evil is the desperation to control every single person and thing around us in an effort to feel safe and validated. Find the things that are right for you and respect the right for others to choose whatever makes them happy. It’s really that simple. 

Once you’ve found the life and loves that make you happy it’s important to encourage others to do the same. We owe it to each other to help bring out the best in every life we touch. If you have a friend that wants to become a sister wife, be a friend she can turn to if anything goes wrong. Don’t judge her. Love her. If you have a friend that wants to build a polygamous family and find multiple sister wives, help them find good people and embrace their family like any other. Pushing people with different lifestyles to the fringe of society leads to dangerous situations where people are afraid to get the help they need if things go awry. There are monsters in the world we can protect each other from simply by loving and fully respecting all the good people in the world. Why would you want to be a person that makes the world precarious for anyone else? The golden rule applies, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Take it a step further and go out of your way to do more for others than you ever expect anyone to do for you. Nurturing the best in others only makes your world better in return. 

Polyamory is a beautiful lifestyle that can lead to a world with less loneliness and happier love lives all around. It’s absolutely not right for everyone and it’s not easy to make the adjustment. If you’re fortunate enough to find the right people that share your poly dream, the possibilities are endless. You don’t have to close yourselves off to the world. There’s no need to reject or lie about any desire or attraction you may have toward others. Even if you’re part of just a couple that’s only open to the idea, your relationship will benefit from the level of honesty you can share. Being open to new things and supporting the natural feelings of your loved ones gives them the freedom to be their authentic self, which gives you an authentic connection to them. Some people do get involved in relationships to control another person. A lot of men want a wife that will make him the absolute center of her life, and nothing else! This so often leads to resentment, lying, cheating, and heartache. It’s your choice. Your life can resemble a depressing country song, or a beautiful symphony with all its complexities and depth. You can build and share beauty or continue hate’s uncanny ability to infect lives. Stop fussing over the idea of anything being natural and start nurturing love in every corner of the world.   

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: 

Everyone has an opinion. Hell, some people have a lot of opinions. Some feel strongly about one thing or another, and some don’t feel too concerned about anything at all. Sayings like “it takes all kinds,” or “different strokes for different folks,” often oversimplify the trauma differences of opinion can inflict on people or relationships. The severity of these impacts seems to be heightened in our modern times. People today are very divided and far too willing to draw lines in the sand that nobody can even dare step too close to. Life is politics. This is nothing new. What’s new is the fervor that has become so common when concerning one’s opinions. It’s as though our opinions are the last thing we feel we have to define ourselves as an individual even though they are mostly derived from memes, sound bites, and whatever media outlet you’re most exposed to. There are two ways poly people can be affected by this. One is negative views of your relationships from outside of your circle of supportive family and friends. The other is when extreme views seep into the mind of someone you love. It’s very hard to change minds and hearts, but living with adverse views isn’t impossible if you’ve decided to try. 

Before deciding to live with a partner or loved one with opposing extremist views you should decide if it’s really worth it. Saying goodbye is usually no fun, but it’s a hell of a lot better than compromising your life and happiness because you’re afraid to do so. People with strong views don’t always press those views onto others. If you’re loved one has no trouble giving you space for your political leanings without passively or actively ‘punishing’ you, and you have no trouble shrugging off the times they rant to others, you might be fine. If your loved one is angry inside because you disagree with them it’s time to do some serious soul searching as to why you’re with them. There is a lot of ‘in between’ with these two situations and where you stand is something only you can know. Unfortunately, when two people are very different politically they stand a big chance of eventually growing apart. Trying to find common ground and encouraging more moderate views can stave this off, but be careful not to start giving so much that you’re losing yourself in their world of obsession. Relationships are about growth and support, not use and abuse that favors one, or more, over another. If you can’t ‘do you’ in a relationship, you need to get away.  

Sister wives, or a woman looking to become a sister wife, should be vigilantly aware of the political leanings of a man or family of interest, as well as their religious views. It’s a whole new era for polygamous people as plural relationships continue entering the realm of societal norms, but archaic views of women and family can still be found. Modern women have choices when it comes to the relationships and sexuality that works for them and there are men out there that resent it. Men looking for sister wives need to be clear about their intentions. If a woman desires a traditional, patriarchal, marriage she is free to find a husband that will indulge her fantasies. If a woman wants nothing to do with patriarchal leadership she needs to know the questions to ask early in any dating situation to ensure she’s entertaining an option that will respect her right to a marriage of equality. Avoiding a crippling situation is the first line of defense. If you’re already in a situation where the views of one person in your life are treading on your individual sovereignty and happiness, be careful, but start developing a way out. Look for resources, talk to friends, hide money, or whatever is necessary to safely get, and stay, away. If you’re simply at odds with your partner, or partners, you again can attempt to pull them to a more moderate place, but don’t be afraid of the moment you have to admit it’s not worth it. True love will pull people closer together, not force them to compromise in order to save a relationship. There is nothing wrong with knowing when something isn’t working for you. 

The best of relationships, especially when you’re polyamorous, can fall under some terribly heavy scrutiny from the outside world. Beautiful polygamous families will never garner a positive thought or gesture from a person that believes they represent perversion or evil. A group of men in love, or group of women in love, and enjoying life together for some will only ever conjure thoughts of lives controlled by the ‘Devil.’ Some people will never accept any form of love that doesn’t match their narrow views of the world. It’s actually rather funny to think many of them believe they’re following their beloved Bible when the Bible is full of polyamory and/or polygamy. There is no way we can make everyone like or respect us, so as long as they aren’t involved in our lives personally we have to accept it. Acceptance doesn’t mean we have to let them affect us. We each have every right to tell our opponents to leave us alone. Being poly means you need to have some thicker skin so you’re not upset every time you feel judged. It’s going to happen and there is nothing that will change it. This is why it’s important to find your community of support. Support within your relationship is great, but support from others with poly lives in common is even better. Be there for your poly community and they will be there for you. 

Making life and love make sense is something every human being struggles with. It’s easy to feel like you’re alone in your struggle when you live a life some others label ‘alternative’. Adversity and difference is an unavoidable reality for us all. Finding the confidence to embrace yourself and to be totally authentic without discounting others is an art form we should all be developing, all the time. That won’t be the case so learning to face criticism gracefully is the alternative. When our nearest and dearest make life difficult it’s important to remember your love for them, but also to require them to hold up their end of the bargain. Nobody has enough time to waste it on anyone that doesn’t appreciate them as they are. Finding and living a poly love life is a gift we give to ourselves. We can know love that moves beyond the limits society has decided we should live by. Don’t let anyone, inside or outside, take away your joy. Love everyone, every day, as much as you can, and demand the respect you are owed so you can live your fullest life.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: 

Polyamory, for some, might sound like an option only for people with commitment issues or a hyperactive sex drive. There is a certain amount of freedom it entails that makes monogamous folks queasy. The idea of being emotionally and sexually involved with more than one person is a game changer in the worlds of dating and relationships. There is absolutely no reason to avoid enjoying yourself and exploring every desire as a polyamorous lover. That’s actually the point. It’s all about love, support, exploration, respect, openness, and fun. All good things, however, come with responsibilities. In poly relationships each partner needs love and affection, every new date deserves complete honesty, and existing relationships need the work and investment required to remain healthy. Making all of this work may sound overwhelming, but it’s really about adhering to some boundaries that will keep your loves close, and troubles far away. 

“The truth will set you free” is especially true when it comes to relationships. It will give you a foundation of trust to build on, which is the only way to have a healthy love life. Being truthful to yourself first leads to an ability to be truthful with the people you choose to explore a relationship with. What are your emotional and sexual boundaries? How much can you allow those boundaries to be pushed in different directions? Knowing your boundaries and where to draw hard lines is the first step toward healthy boundaries. Having conversations about boundaries and desires early and often with your love interests will make sure a relationship is worth pursuing. Even if you’re not a great match for anything serious you may decide on something like friends with benefits for a while. People with very different ideas about a love life shouldn’t try to force it. A fully heterosexual polyamorous person may have a hard time dating someone that is bisexual if they can’t stretch their boundaries to include a person of the same gender in their bed. It’s better to figure these things out before emotions start running deep and you find yourself holding back someone you love. It might work for a while, but it won’t be easy and resentment can build fast. 

For polygamous people, boundaries can be just as complicated. Polygamy no longer requires a handful of sister wives to only think of pleasing their one husband. Men looking for sister wives today will find women that are bisexual and he will need to be clear about the expectations he has for a new sister wife. She also needs to be clear about her sexuality and intentions. He may also want to find a husband to join him and his sister wives as one big family. Boundaries are not pre-set for polygamous families. They need to be discussed and settled before getting anyone involved in a completely unfit situation. There are plenty of women that want to be a sister wife in the traditional sense, and plenty of men that want that. It’s about knowing what you want and sticking to it. Don’t ditch your boundaries for whatever comes along first, or is easiest. It won’t be worth it. 

The very nature of polyamory presents a major reality that way too many people don’t take seriously enough. Sexual health. This is another area where boundaries need to be discussed and everyone involved needs to ensure risks are clear. Sleeping around and not using protection is an option, but only if every partner knows about it. Otherwise, you’re putting people you love at an unfair level of risk which is simply unacceptable behavior. If you are fluid bonding with your partners you have a responsibility to protect them. Even without a doctor, you can find resources in any area to get tested and stay on top of your sexual health. Don’t skip it because you’re scared of a result. Get checked! There are ways to cure or treat every STI in the book and there is no shame in addressing any that might come along. 

Beyond relationships, as a polyamorous person, you will have friendships and encounters where your love lifestyle will not fit. There is rarely a reason to not be open about being poly, but there will be plenty of situations where you’ll need to adhere to clear boundaries. If a friend that you’re attracted to is not interested in a poly relationship, or is already in a monogamous one, you must respect their choices. There is a big difference between acceptance and involvement, and trying to push an accepting person over the line between the two is not just unfair, it’s unseemly. Never take advantage of the kindness of an open minded person. If anything, these people should be protected and encouraged! If you put a friend in an awkward situation too often, they’ll eventually have to stop being a close friend and might even change their views concerning your lifestyle. A small chance at dating is not worth the risk, and the loss of an ally is not worth the cost of that risk. Knowing the boundaries necessary to respect everyone in the room will save you from a lot of heartache and misery. Keeping a diverse group of friends can be a little work, but provides a well rounded life experience that will be rewarding and insightful. You’ll be a better person for it. 

A discussion about boundaries isn’t limited to people that are living so-called ‘alternative lifestyles.’ In fact, everyone’s lifestyle is so different there really are nothing but ‘alternative lifestyles’. Think about situations you’ve been in where a super zealot religious person is making a dinner table or room of people very uncomfortable. What about a time you saw a person that was extremely intoxicated playing with children. Any very inappropriate moment can be used to explain why healthy boundaries are so important. None of us want to be ‘THAT’ guy or girl. Developing natural habits that involve boundaries and respect makes the world a better place for you and everyone you know. Don’t think of them as limitations. Think of boundaries as pathways to a world without limits that fulfills your every pure desire.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

As we grow older and wiser there are tools we develop to make our lives function in better ways than we knew in the past. We become more or less stubborn about different things, and develop better ideas about what we can or cannot tolerate. Trying to share our experience and knowledge with others is sometimes met with resistance because every life lesson is specific to the person involved, but there are overarching concepts that can apply to everyone. Being honest and kind, but not weak, benefits us all. Moderation in all things protects life and happiness. Fostering positivity in yourself and those around you creates a better world. Just as every life is different, so is every relationship. There are no single paths to follow that will guarantee success, but there are some agreements you can make with yourself, and your poly partners, that will guide your relationships along better paths to prolonged love and happiness. 

Be honest, but do no harm. 

There are plenty of situations in life where pure honesty would be more trouble than it’s worth. Errors in judgment happen all the time and there are people out there eagerly awaiting a reason to tear you down. Harmless lies meant to protect yourself, or loved ones, from an unreasonable amount of blowback can be chalked up to a learning experience as long as you’re committed to correcting the situation or behavior. While this concept can work in many areas of life, it cannot apply to your intimate relationships. When two or more people decide to build a life together there is an unspoken rule of full disclosure. Without it, it would be impossible to build the level of trust necessary for a fulfilling and enduring life together. Not every single detail of our pasts need to be divulged before committing to someone, but there are certainly details it would be unfair to leave out. Once a commitment is made, the rules change, and you are no longer only living for yourself. If you’re unable to share your mistakes, thoughts, ideas, or challenges with your partner in a fully transparent way it’s time to reconsider the nature of the relationship. 

For polyamorous or polygamous people this same agreement about transparency still applies, but can run into a few interpretations depending on the structure of each relationship involved. A beautiful thing about polyamory and polygamy is their malleable nature. Core relationships, such as between a sister wife and a husband, require a stronger bond than peripheral relationships. For example, when a woman becomes a sister wife she may prefer some level of autonomy from the other sister wives, which is perfectly acceptable. A polyamorous group may enjoy a home and/or sexual life among lovers, but prefer to maintain daily lives in a private and individual manor, which again, can be great as long as everyone involved agrees to it. The key to all of this is honesty. Honesty about your desires, preferences, goals, and more... will guarantee you’re at least pursuing a path that actually works for you and your partners. Finding people that will respect and reciprocate your honesty can keep you on your fitting pursuit of personal joy. 

Be selfless, but don’t lose yourself. 

Self sacrifice is a reality for any decent person at some point. In relationships we endure ups and downs with the people we love, and it has to work both ways. Polyamorous and polygamous relationships are no different. Regardless of the nature of your intimate relationships, you shouldn’t bail on someone you love because of a rough patch in their life. This can be a tricky balance to find because while you should be there for each partner when needed, you must also know what lines shouldn’t be crossed. If you do nothing but sacrifice yourself for a loved one you run the risk of losing yourself. To be fair, there are situations where a loved one is faced with circumstances beyond their control, like major health issues, and losing yourself a bit may be the only option. For the purpose of this article we’re referring to issues stemming from repeated bad choices, or lack of action or control. Loving and supporting each other is not about babysitting. 

If you’re interested in polyamorous or polygamous dating be prepared for the lifestyle to become part of who you are. Any time you’re involved in a lifestyle that doesn’t fit societal norms it will be a mentionable trait people will use to define you in their minds. This does not count as losing yourself because it’s actually a step toward finding who you really are. Embrace it. When you become a sister wife, polygamous husband, or join any form of plural relationship your sense of self will evolve and grow right along with the love in your life. 

Let go of control, but don’t lose it.

This agreement is tough because a total lack of control is chaos, but too much control can make life a living hell. The basis of this is that you’re with the people you love because you love them, not because you want to control them. If you do want to control people you love it’s advisable to seek counseling to figure out where that desire comes from. It’s not healthy. At the same time, a total lack of control can leave you feeling powerless and therefore hopeless about your love life. People that love each other should agree to abide by some basic standards that support the emotional attachment of everyone involved. Even when rules or standards are tested, the love you share should hold you together and help the relationships evolve. This is where being able to relinquish control becomes necessary. A little dab of forgiveness here and understanding there keeps everyone happier, and away from feeling trapped. Nobody looks for a polyamorous relationship or seeks to be a sister wife because they want to find a trap to fall in. They want to fall in love and grow with that love. Knowing when to put a foot down, or when to let things slide, is not playing a game. It’s respecting the inevitable human complexities every person you love will possess. 

We all want to be loved. Even if you enjoy being single, or don’t need much from others to be happy, you still enjoy being loved. Relationships take work no matter what the nature of your relationships tends to be. Finding balance in these three agreements can make the work far easier because it means committing to reasonable levels of honesty, selflessness, and control. It’s easy to say we should always be honest and selfless, but it’s better to protect yourself from harm as long as your heart and intentions are in the right place. These two things should come naturally for lovers. Good relationships will also settle into reasonable control mechanisms that won’t exhaust or compromise the will of anyone involved. Following your heart and letting your love life fall into place on its own is almost always the best way to a happy relationship. Keep these agreements in mind next time you start to fall in love. Always consider how you like to be treated and base your actions on it. Polyamory offers endless possibilities with love, and the well-being you’ll find through balance can make every love interest a positive and life changing juncture.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Polygamy is nothing new. In fact, one could successfully argue that monogamy is the newer concept for modern humans. Intimate relationships have evolved through the years and show no sign of a final determination of their purest form. Polygamy describes any relationship that involves the marriage of more than two people, regardless of gender, with no requirement of a formal or legal contract. It respects the choice of people to define their own relationships whether their government will recognize them, or not. It’s very close to simply being polyamory, but suggests a deeper commitment level to those that choose to use the term. Polygamy also has a rather unfair shadow looming that it struggles to remove. Some of our patriarchal societies worst tendencies have damaged the reputations of people interested in polygamy across the board, but as society has warmed up to polyamory in recent years there has been a new positive light shining on polygamy as well. 

Let’s get the ick out of the way first. First off, anyone that wants to pretend monogamy hasn’t had a disgusting history needs to hit the books. Women are often handled as property! Still today, teenage girls in many parts of the world are sold off or forced into marriages they do not want and it’s happening in both monogamous and polygamous cutures. It’s important to stop pretending women or children are only subject to abuses in polygamous cultures if we’re to see a future where everyone’s relationship choices are respected. Polygamy has been under attack and demonized for more than at least a century by people trying to force their views onto others while committing atrocities equal to, or worse, than those they attack. Women and young girls have been treated horribly by men more often than not throughout most of our modern history, and across most known major cultures. In short, stop naively believing it’s polygamy itself that’s dangerous for women. It’s sociopathic men and unfettered patriarchy that are dangerous to women, not loving relationships in any size or style she may choose. 

It’s fascinating that polygamy is seeing a rebirth in the age of the #metoo movement, but it also speaks of the value of the lifestyle. Women shouldn’t feel they have no option but to ‘submit’ to one man for the rest of their lives. That notion itself is socially endorsed oppression. Men shouldn’t be encouraged to be dishonest with their wives in an effort to maintain the limited status quo expected of your marriage by society. Lovers should be best friends and share everything with each other, even if it’s a crush on somebody else. Right along with more options comes the ability for people to choose the level of submission and commitment that works to keep their relationships or marriages healthy. Some people enjoy a very dominant partner, and that’s great, as long as communication, respect, and choice are always part of the equation. 

Choice is the overwhelming factor in the rebirth of polygamy. Respecting the choices of others and making no effort to limit the options other people can enjoy seems to be the zeitgeist of modern relationships. Legalization of gay marriage and increasing recognition of polyamorous relationships goes hand in hand with the resurgence of a new approach to polygamy. Nobody really wants to force others into situations that crush their dignity (unless you're a sociopath). Even as we watch polygamy becoming mainstream we continue fighting sources of oppression which are most often, sadly, based on religious pressures. Perhaps more public focus needs to be turned on the sources and supporters of oppression rather than people simply trying to love each other and enjoy their lives. 

The day may come when a woman that wants to be a sister wife can legally marry a man she loves that has another wife or two. The day may come when a man can enjoy looking for sister wives right along with his current wife without fear of being a social pariah. Polygamy works both ways, regardless of gender. There are plenty of women that would enjoy more than one husband, or even a marriage to both a woman and a man. Bisexual men are also a real thing even though they can be hard to find. Polyamorous people deserve the right to form whatever relationships they would like and polygamy is a completely respectful option for those looking for something a little more traditional than open relationships. It’s important to get your mind past the sexual aspects of plural relationships and focus on the emotional realities involved. Honestly, most people don’t want to know any details about the sex lives of others in general, so why all the interest in the sex lives of polygamous people? 

Humans have a long history involving people with any power at all using it to control other people. Religions, cults, governments, kings, queens, corporations, HOA’s, families, spouses, etc… The list of sources of control is depressingly long. Some control is good and welcomed. Control that ensures public safety, good health, and general well being is helpful, but control that seeks to limit human love and fulfillment in life has harmed humanity for far too long. Polygamy can represent something good. Supporting good polygamists in the world can create a wonderful and socially acceptable option for anyone that feels drawn to it. Shifting the public perception of polygamy so it can evolve alongside the current embrace of polyamory can pull it out of the shadows and into the light, therefore also making it a safer option than it’s thought to have been in the past. The rebirth of polygamy is a perfect time to take it out of nefarious hands and give it life where it belongs in a world of female empowerment and choice.  

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

There are a shocking number of people in the world that view self care as selfish behavior. A person that takes time to reflect on their life, or makes an effort to live clean and healthy, too often is accused of being ‘full of themselves.’ There really is no way to avoid the negative nancies out there so it’s best to embrace their accusations and take self care seriously. Self Care is ultimately a selfless act because it means you do your best to be the best you can be. It’s about being there, and at your best, for the world around you. People that don’t keep up with their own basic care tend to eventually become a burden on those around them. Polyamorous people are all about being a benefit to others by being capable of sharing vast amounts of love with the world. Here are some pointers to keep in mind to help with always living your best life. 

As a polyamorous person it’s of utmost importance to keep up with your sexual health. Get all the stigmas about STI’s out of your head and get tested regularly. Catching an STI is not a moral failing or punishment. The moral failing is not being responsible about it then spreading things to other people. Now obviously, if you’re in a closed group there is less of a need for regular testing, but if anyone is dating outside of the group, everyone needs to be alert. Beyond the obvious risks in the dating world are less conspicuous sexual health issues. Sleeping around all the time can be a sign of emotional problems or an addiction. Ask yourself once in a while about your motivations. Being self aware about your behaviors can stave off addictions or destructive tendencies before they consume you. Polyamorous dating or looking for new sister wives can be a lot of fun, and very fulfilling, as long as your motivations are healthy. If keeping up with sexual health like this seems overwhelming maybe just consider following this mantra. Don’t be skeevy! Always do the right thing. 

Now it’s time to talk about what you need to do if you ever want to have sex. It’s true that humans come in all shapes and sizes. Guys with bellies and curvy ladies can be incredibly sexy just the same as very thin people. Our bodies are going to follow whatever your genetic programming tells them unless you spend an exorbitant amount of time forcing it to do otherwise. Most of us will opt to let nature do its thing and focus our energy on other things. Regardless of your body type it’s important to pay attention to your diet, activity levels, and grooming habits. The key to living healthy is forming good habits. If you don’t like the gym, find a physical activity you enjoy. If ‘healthy food’ has always seemed gross to you, take some time to study cuisines around the world to find healthier foods you do like, then incorporate them into your diet. If showering in the morning seems like too much work, do us all a favor and do it anyway! Nobody should have to live with your lazy stank. Nobody is perfect and nobody really expects perfection from others, but there is a reasonable level of self care we owe to ourselves and others. Don’t be skeevy also works as a mantra here. 

Spiritual and emotional health is probably the most neglected aspect of self care. It also might be the most important because it has so much to do with the desire for self care in every other aspect of life. When a woman becomes a sister wife she’s stepping into a family that should not only provide love, but also a support system to help her maintain her emotional and spiritual health. Any polyamorous group should provide this type of support freely. It’s tough to say that a person shouldn’t be dating in the polygamous or polyamorous world at all if they aren’t emotionally healthy, but there is some truth to it. Seeking a sister wife or polyamorous lover should never be your answer to existing issues in your current life or relationship. If you and your partner, or partners, are having an emotional or spiritual crisis there is no shame in seeing a counselor, or spiritual leader if you have one. 

Spiritual and emotional health are both areas where lovers can help each other, but ultimately they’re internal and cannot be avoided if you want to be happy. Before you dismiss the idea of spiritual health being part of happiness, keep in mind that spiritual doesn’t have to mean anything about God or religion. It’s about feeling connected to life and the world around you. If that connection for you is through a God figure, good for you, but it is found in different ways for everyone. Ignoring the concept of spirituality altogether is a major disservice to yourself. Emotional health is heavily tied to spiritual health and together they can open doors to pure joy you’ll be able to share. With that joy comes a true, deep sense of love. 

Self care really has little to do with the self once the results are in. From the depths of spirituality to the shallowest thoughts like how pleasant a healthy person is to look at, self care positively affects everything in life. When you find yourself in a healthy and happy place you’ll desperately want to share the secrets of your joy with everyone around you. This is another place where ‘don’t be skeevy’ can be applied. No matter how much you believe you have to give, unwanted gifts will never bring the results you’re hoping for. Don’t press your ideas or assumptions onto others. This applies to each of your lovers or sister wives as well. Everyone has to find their own way on their own path. What you can give is unwavering love and support to help light the way. The beauty of a joyous poly person is that they’ll not only be spreading joy, they’ll be able to multiply a genuine understanding of love in the world as well.  

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

No two people are the same. No matter how much you may have in common, there are differences that will eventually show, and they often can prove to be incredibly difficult to manage. If these differences arise with a general acquaintance it’s not so hard to work around them. It’s impersonal and you have plenty of time away from that person in daily life. If it’s a coworker you see all the time it can be difficult, but working relationships have a way of finding ways to function. A common goal helps people set differences aside. When it’s a lover it becomes personal. A lover is likely to affect you every day and usually it’s right at home. It’s true that one shouldn’t compromise their happiness for another, but where do we draw that line? At what point are you giving too much? How can you make it work when it sometimes feels wrong? 

The first point to make is that all of these feelings are normal. You should be more concerned if similar feelings have never occurred to you. Not one relationship in the universe has felt right 100 percent of the time. Adversity is a fact of life. Running away from a love because you expect smooth sailing all of the time only reveals a self serving personality that will never understand the point of true love and relationships. There will be moments you’re down and need your lover to help you up and you have to pay that same respect to them. Willingness to work with your lovers to get through life’s difficulties has to go both ways, but is an absolute necessity. 

At the opposite end of the spectrum is giving or taking way too much all the time. We all know someone that has completely lost themselves in a relationship. It’s heartbreaking to see a friend give everything to a person that enjoys taking everything from them. Polyamorous people have an advantage in avoiding these situations because you need to have plenty to offer more than one person. A woman that becomes a sister wife has a husband to love and sister wives to love as well. Poly relationships in any form offer built in protection from emotional leeches. No man looking for sister wives should expect them not to have close relationships with each other. In fact, he should strongly encourage it. Having many sister wives or intimate partners to call your own can be a beautiful thing. However, while the notion of ‘possession’ can create some sexy feelings, never forget that no decent person can ‘have’ another person unless that person wants you to. Part of that is respecting their relationships outside of you. Never get so caught up in your fantasies that you stop taking care of each other equally. 

If you find yourself with a ‘taker’ it’s better to act early and avoid the development of abusive habits that might be impossible to break. No poly lover should ever expect all of you. A poly lover should never show jealousy toward your other lovers. It’s bad enough that a monogamous lover often wants to become the only thing you care about. For poly people that is the biggest red flag that should never be overlooked. There are plenty of differences you can overcome. If you meet someone that’s new to poly relationships it’s fine to expect you’ll have to teach them the ropes, but keep an eye out for that overly possessive trait. You can’t change a person hard wired to be monogamous into a polyamorous partner. It won’t work and you’ll be miserable if you try. It’s a barrier that simply cannot be broken. It’s also something a person may not realize about themselves, so you’ll have to show them. This is not all to say a monogamous person will always be an abusive lover, but to call attention to the need to know yourself and what relationships will work for you. If you cannot do monogamy don’t try to make it work with a monogamous person. That barrier will eventually break you. 

Bringing a new person into your polyamorous or polygamous relationship is a time of great excitement and of overwhelming concern. Being polyamorous or polygamous is not about constantly and desperately seeking sister wives or new addittions to your love life. It’s about being open to it. It’s fine to date people because you are open to multiple intimate relationships, but never forget to protect the love already in your life. This is a great chance to mention that a person claiming to be polyamorous just to sleep around all they want is not polyamorous. Sex just for the sake of sex has nothing to do with love. Polyamory is all about love. Every relationship is entitled to its’ own agreed upon rules, but keep your terminology correct. When a whole new person and all of their energy and behaviors join your current relationship there are going to be difficult surprises. Life is going to change. It’s going to feel like a mistake sometimes because humans are creatures of habit and your daily life will have to evolve to make room for all the new love in your life. You will worry that your lover might lose love for you as they develop it for another. Communication, and an understanding that love can’t be measured or quantified, will help you through the struggle. If the entire process is easy for you and everything stays golden every day, good for you! Don’t, however, expect that or hit the ground running the first time your feelings are a little hurt. Polyamory is not for the faint of heart. The best things in life require work and poly love is one of them.

It’s so important to be a person that can commit and be impeccable with their word. Honestly, two people that cannot do these things will probably never have a good love life. Polyamorous people are already living lives that are more honest than most so why not take your happiness to the next level by choosing to be committed and impeccable in all things you do. The biggest barrier to any love is a lack of respect both for others and for yourself. Always striving to be a better person and finding people like you, in that sense, is a guaranteed recipe for success. The key here is to learn the true definition of success while sharing the purest love in your heart with all the people you hold at night. 


Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

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