Chris's article

Growing old is bittersweet. Not everyone gets the opportunity and it comes with difficulties you once couldn’t even imagine. The old phrase “I’m not as good as I once was,” comes to mind. On the other hand, the years of experience provides invaluable wisdom you can share with those willing to slow down and listen. You’ve loved, you’ve lost, and were able to persist. As polyamory becomes more common it’s inevitable future elderly generations will face evolving needs and expectations based on their intimate relationships with multiple partners. An abundance of love will certainly provide for a happy life, but can lead to circumstances that will need pre-planning along with intellectual and emotional preparation. Life is complicated enough for two people sharing life. Add multiple partners in the mix and potential complications grow exponentially.

Preparing for the loss of a loved one when you have multiple partners means finding the right amount of space and the right amount of support for everyone surviving. If the entire plural relationship functions as one family it’s wonderful to lean on each other, but vital to be prepared to accept the different ways in which people grieve. Leaning on your lover is a good thing. Trying to be your lovers therapist, or them being your therapist, is a very bad thing. Grief counseling needs to be a completely unrestrained and open process where any qualms or resentments can come out and be discussed with no risk of creating issues with surviving lovers. If you are a sister wife, maybe you felt your husband neglected you while he looked for a new sister wife, and you have a weird sense of relief now that she is gone. Maybe you were the new sister wife and felt like an intruder because the sister wife that passed never seemed to really embrace you. People can live with feelings like this and maintain a healthy life and relationships, but when unresolved feelings go to a grave they can haunt you. Many plural relationships have little imperfections you may need help forgiving in yourself or someone you love.

Death is not the only challenge for aging polyamorous people. Poly and polygamy dating don’t always lead to a legal marriage, or marriage at all. When laws are set against your plural relationship it can be difficult to guarantee everyone involved can grow old together and enjoy the rights and protections monogamous people simply expect. Too often, when a woman becomes a sister wife, she will have relatives that refuse to recognize her family as valid and they’ll be willing to ‘prove’ their point legally if given the opportunity. If there is discord in the relationship two people with a legal marriage contract can cause great harm to others involved, but without any legal ties to the relationship. 

Countless gay people have lost everything when a lover died historically because the family of the deceased could swoop in and use the courts to keep their relatives money and property. Legalizing gay marriage changed the lives of millions for the better. No movement to legalize plural marriage seems to be gaining any steam which means polyamorous people are left at a higher risk of having the carpet pulled from under them. 

There are even situations where poly people, especially polygamists, can get into legal trouble due to the nature of the family they’re building. 

Granted, there are some bad apples in the polygamy world, but most poly minded people are living harmless and productive lives. It’s important to investigate laws in your region then take the necessary legal steps to ensure your poly family is protected. It will make growing old together a far less scary process.

When you’ve organized your poly life and family and begin to grow older the unique challenges that stem from plural relationships will be sure to arise. Imagine a busy husband deciding he wants to seek a new sister wife while the three he already has can’t imagine enduring the process of growing their family again. Think of three lovers that have always chosen to live separately then two of them decide to live together while the third remains in their own place. As we get older the option of living alone can easily be removed. There has to be an openness to change. On top of all of these scenarios is the fact that polyamorous people are able to date potential new lovers no matter how old they and their partners are becoming. Some can see this as refusing to ever settle into a more peaceful life, but the truth is that polyamory is natural right along with the desire for human connection. Meeting new people and experiencing new energy can keep you younger, healthier, and happier in the long run. Never letting go of, and always respecting, the polyamorous nature of your love life and partners is the only way to maintain a life full of love and joy.

Aging doesn’t have to be a scary process, though there will be scary moments as our bodies ache and wear down. If you have been blessed by choosing a polyamorous or polygamous life remember that you’ve given yourself the gift of a life so full of love you sometimes can’t even handle all of it. A little preparation goes a long way in ensuring the security and well-being of any family, especially an alternative family. 

Choosing to be a sister wife, or to join any type of polyamorous family, can be the best choice you’ve ever made if approached with logic and care. Don’t fool yourself into thinking everything will always work out fine. You and the people you love deserve as many guarantees in life as you can find. Never let go of the light that started your poly life by placing nefarious limits on yourself or lover. Keep your open mind and heart that will allow your relationship to exist and evolve organically. 

You’ll find as you get older that the more you try to force something that isn’t going to work, the more frustrating and difficult to let go it will become. Be patient with yourself and others, especially lovers, and let the aging process carry you gently to a peaceful end.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Timing can make or break many things, including relationships. Moving too fast, too slow, or not at all can send mixed signals or add too much strain on a relationship. It’s nice to believe that when people love each other they can trust their mutual affection to compensate for poor planning, but it won’t for long. There are no rules to follow that will guarantee success, but there are general concepts to embrace that will encourage healthier choices and behaviors. Never be ashamed of falling too hard for love. Instead, harness the power of love and use it as motivation to improve in all aspects of life. Once you build better decision making habits you’ll find yourself becoming an expert at timing, patience, and knowing when to take a leap of faith.

A concept everyone needs to understand is known as ‘New Relationship Energy,’ or NRE. It occurs when you meet someone you’re really into and they are also really into you. It’s exciting! Your hormones go crazy, serotonin spikes come every time you see each other, and you literally are building an addiction to each other. The sudden validation and acceptance compensates for years of yearning or loneliness and you can’t imagine not having this person in your life. Understanding NRE doesn’t mean you need to avoid it or fight it. It simply gives you the tools to approach new relationships with some level headed perspective. Everyone is on their best behavior with someone new, including yourself. You’re presenting the best possible version of yourself in order to win your new love completely over, and so are they. With a little care, new relationships can completely immerse themselves in the beautiful NRE without making life changing decisions before they really know each other. Far too many people blindly follow their revved up emotions and end up in painful situations that could strip away every ounce of love you had for a person. Use your head to tame your heart!

NRE is not unique to heterosexual monogamous situations. If you’ve been looking for a sister wife or trying to become a sister wife for years you’ll be in for a rush of intense passion when you’ve discovered a woman or family that would work for you. In fact, polyamorous people are fortunate to be able to expeience the energy of new relationships multiple times in life. Polygamous families and poly groups are priviledged to grow their loving family as expansive as they’d like. 

Even so, it’s equally important for everyone to take it easy and get the timing right. Remember the old phrase about one bad apple? Keep that in mind.

Pay close attention to life situations and motivations. An extreme example of a terrible situation that would only work so well in a movie is the story in ‘Pretty Woman.’ It’s perfectly acceptable to love the movie and embrace the value of accepting all people as they are, but one shouldn’t be fooled into looking to hookers as viable options for a relationship. Could it happen? Sure. Will it? Almost always a big NO. 

Assuming you aren’t dating a hooker, there are other life circumstances and motivating factors that should raise red flags. It’s not reasonable to expect everyone to have their life completely together, but a person that is a complete wreck is likely to take advantage of your stability. 

They might not even intend to. They may have the best of intentions. The fact is, people that aren’t somewhere near the same level of a playing field will drag someone down far more than the other can drag them up. 

Maybe you’re okay with that? Do what you want, but do it with full knowledge of what you’re getting into.

Don’t shy away from background checks. A checkered past shouldn’t necessarily disqualify a person from joining a polygamous family or polyamorous group, but it should certainly influence the decision for everyone involved. If you meet someone claiming they’ve never been married and are thrilled to finally become a sister wife then find they’ve already had three failed marriages, well, something isn’t right. 

Someone with a drug problem might sincerely fall in love with you and your current partners, but you can almost guarantee they can easily fall in love with their drug of choice again any time. It’s a thing that will need to be addressed and monitored before all of your jewelry or expensive electronics suddenly disappear. It’s not about refusing to forgive people. It’s about managing risk and assessing whether or not the possible negative outcomes are worth it.

Spending ample time with friends outside of your intimate relationships or marriage is vital to maintaining perspective and avoiding foolish choices. Friends with no personal interest in your affairs can tell you what your relationships look like from the outside. Good friends won’t disparage you for falling in love, but they will pull you down to earth if they notice red flags you seem to be missing. You need friends that are not involved intimately (beyond friendship) with your polygamous family or polyamorous group. Poly and Polygamy dating, or expanding any polyamorous group, is complicated and it’s far too easy to be blinded by NRE. In fact, if all of your current partners are blind to red flags because you’re all drunk on love you could reinforce each other's urges to make poor choices. Established relationships deserve extreme care to prevent damage. A new lover needs to be vetted and tested by a little time before making moves or commitments.

Love is supposed to be fun. It’s exciting! Running around like teenagers with a new love is natural and healthy. It would be nice if we never had to grow up and pain never affected us so deeply, but we’ve all been hurt and know that’s just not the way it is. We have to protect our hearts and our lives while leaving ourselves open to new love and change as poly minded people. Greatness, like polyamorous relationships, comes with challenges. Part of our openness needs to include acceptance of criticism and ears willing to listen to advice from people that care about you. Do your homework, don’t neglect your existing life or friends, and use New Relationship Energy to accomplish big things for yourself and your loved ones. When these things become a part of your routine you’ll always know when it’s time to make all the right moves in life and love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

At the very core of policies limiting the nature of the relationships you may choose in life is a gross overreach of power. Looking back through history you’ll find the origins of modern laws concerning marriage and love weren’t always well intended. Some served a good purpose in addressing problems in their respective era, but most are about controlling and limiting one or all people involved. The idea of forcing any loving relationships to live in secretive or gray areas in order to avoid legal consequences is truly unconscionable as the ability to define the love people share has no need for outside interference. 

Pushing to legalize all reasonable forms of intimate relationships is an important cause if we hope for a happier, more fulfilling, future with more control of our own destiny.

One of the top so-called ‘taboos’ that comes to mind is polygamy. 

Everyone knows the horror stories about young girls being forced to marry a man that could even be older than her father, or women living under the strict control of a cruel husband. There are sociopaths out there that will use plural marriage as a form of control over women in their community. It’s unfortunate this seems to be the face of polygamy to the general public rather than the more accurate reality of thousands of happy group marriages. When a woman is allowed to choose becoming a sister wife it completely changes the nature of the marriage. Same for men, really. Rather than following arbitrary religious orders to marry multiple women a man can choose to seek sister wives with the purest of intentions. When polygamy is viewed with an eye for truth it’s clear it can be a path for any loving group to express their commitment to each other. So, why is it illegal? Why aren’t there more laws protecting individuals from dangerous people rather than strict laws forbidding a perfectly healthy way of life?

Taking power away from women has been a long tradition. Marriage itself has more roots in ownership and business dealings than love. Marrying off your daughter was a way to gain wealth, status, or even create alliances between families or even nations. For the most part, until fairly recent times, a woman’s choice for a husband wasn’t even a slight consideration. This tradition continues in far too many places to this today. Dowry’s are exchanged, contracts are made, and teenage girls are used as bargaining chips. Somehow, this behavior has fallen under less legal scrutiny than a group of three or more adults wishing to obtain a plural marriage contract with each other. Polygamy is viewed as favoring patriarchal power when the term doesn’t refer to gender at all. It simply defines any marriage involving more than two people. Polygyny and Polyandry are the gender specific descriptors nobody ever seems to mention! Polygamy is also not exclusive to any sexual preference. Anyone in the LGBTQ community involved in a committed relationship with more than one other person is engaging in polygamous dating or behavior. The fact they can’t express their commitment by marriage to all of their loving partners is yet another discriminatory and outdated policy.

There are efforts underway to at least decriminalize polygamy. This article is focused on the United States where polygamy is illegal in all

50 states. Utah is the only state that has adjusted the law thus far, and only recently, to reduce the severity of punishment down to the equivalent of a traffic ticket. It’s better than nothing, but a drop in the bucket of the changes likely to occur over the next decade as an entire generation entering their mid-life holds far more open views about individual rights concerning their personal relationships and sexual preferences. This rundown of polygamy policies around the world are interesting in that they show no nation in the world allows a woman to have more than one husband, yet many allow a man more than one wife. 

Sexism is alive and real. Part of the modern action to update marriage laws to allow polygamy is also an effort to correct the sexist roots of marriage laws overall. Women deserve justice for the way their mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers, and ancestors were treated just the same as the LGBTQ community deserves for their horrifying treatment both past and present. Part of that justice is making the world safer and more fair for everyone.

Part of making the world safer and more fair includes protecting monogamy right along with polygamy by ensuring the respect of people involved in either form of marriage. Granting equal rights to your fellow citizens does not mean reducing your own. If a friend expresses their desire to find sister wives or a polygamous husband to marry. 

Treat her the same as your friends that latched onto the first handsome fella they could find to marry and be his only wife. If a buddy mentions interest in finding a husband and a wife don’t blow up and tell him that’s sick or crazy. Help him find good options. There is no harm in adults engaging in consensual relationships of any form as long as they are involved by their own safe and healthy choice. The focus of the law should change to ensuring protecting people in dangerous or difficult situations. Offering mechanisms to safely report abuse and programs to help get away from abusers is far more important than telling a woman she shouldn’t look at other women sexually if she already has a husband. 

Why do we think the sexuality of others is any of our business?

The world is changing. There will be ups and downs while sometimes we feel we’re just taking three steps forward then two steps back. Progress is gradual and difficult. The fact is that polygamy is gaining a foothold as people realize it’s the polyamorous answer to marriage. As those people choose to express their commitment to their multiple lovers through plural marriage and realize the law doesn’t allow it they’ll begin fighting for their right to live as they choose and be treated equally under the law. This is already happening and the numbers will continue to grow. The legal safeguards and benefits offered through a marriage contract should not be privy to only heterosexual monogamous people. As we move into a better future remember to respect the choices of others while demanding respect for your own as well. Be the beautiful poly person that can help spread the word about how wonderful the lifestyle can be.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Gender roles and power structures have been hot button issues for a few decades as the world has been shifting away from being primarily a patriarchy. These topics can trigger charged emotional responses from people that cannot comprehend a world less focused on gender and male dominance. Progress never lacks opposition. It can be difficult to justify some of the results of more gender role fluidity and fewer ‘nuclear families.’ Seeing a friend transition to another gender can feel uneasy, even deceitful to some. How can they be certain they won’t regret it? If nothing else, knowing how they may be treated by the world can be heartbreaking. Kids being raised with no male, or no female, parental influence do frequently experience developmental difficulties. 

These things may never have any simple answers. As gender and patriarchy have evolved and weakened in importance, polyamory and polygamy have been gaining traction, and in these lifestyles we may find a lot of answers.

Think about what an intimate relationship really is. At the core it is simply people that care deeply for each other and have agreed to share life in some way. Sex is a nice bonus, but doesn’t always need to be a major factor in maintaining a healthy companionship. In fact, as we get older, sex becomes less important in life overall. At least for most people. Labels like girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, and wife are labels that can be used to make it easy for others to comprehend your relationship. However, none of these labels are absolutely necessary to define the nature of any of your life partnerships. If you really think about it, everyone is already polyamorous. The term has nothing to do with your chosen sex partners. We are moving into an era in which people are being allowed to take more control over the ways they choose to live and express their love.

Consider a woman that wants to become a sister wife. She may be sexually attracted to men and women, or only men, and she may even prefer male leadership in a family either way. As she seeks the polygamous family that’s right for her she has a responsibility to express her real desires and intentions to candidates. A feminist that enjoys sexual intimacy with women, but doesn’t consider herself a lesbian, shouldn’t get involved with a polygamous family that won’t allow for sex among the sister wives and views the husband as the central authority. Before making judgments about any of these people, remind yourself that there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any of them. They can only be wrong if they are not living honestly and assuring the relationships they maintain contribute to the happiness of everyone involved. The poly movement is not about discrediting the value of tradition, it’s about ensuring people are free to choose the right things for themselves. In fact, polygamy itself suggests a more traditional commitment element within relationships.

Polyamory is more open to interpretation than polygamy. It opens the door for people to explore the relationships that really make them tick. 

It lets them choose the power structures in their relationships and frees them to explore intimacy with anyone they choose, regardless of gender. Obviously, a person’s sexuality will have a major influence on the partners with whom they choose to explore these things. However, as relationships evolve to reflect real human yearnings it’s likely some our intimate relationships won’t involve sex at all. On the other hand, it’s also likely people will eventually not be so stubborn about their sexual orientation. Poly ‘families’ of all sexual orientations sharing life and love shows a lot of promise in resolving many problems couples and individuals face today.

When a group of people decide to form a loving bond they are also committing to building each other up in life. If there are kids involved they’ll have multiple adult influences helping them through the maze of childhood and adolescence. Gender roles and positions of authority can be adjustable according to abilities and needs within the group. It could almost be viewed as a commune-like structure where everyone is contributing to the best of their evolving abilities. Multiple lines of income will keep the family from falling behind as many couples and individuals do today. The unconditional love and support from multiple sources can keep mental health in check. Letting each partner lead with the things they are best equipped to handle will help avoid so many of the downfalls it’s easy to encounter in life. Naturally, having five people on your team will be better than only two.

Not all of these possibilities work for everyone, and that’s okay. Some people will never have a sexual interest in someone of the same sex or opposite sex. Many very traditional polygamists will always want a male lead family and sister wives that will only be involved with him as their husband. Some people will never be able to handle someone that transitions from one gender to another. Not evolving with the world around you doesn’t inherently make you wrong or bad. The way you respond determines that. Especially within the poly community, it’s vitally important that we respect every relationship we encounter. Their reasons to be together have nothing to do with you.

If a friend expresses an interest in someone or something you’re not familiar with, support them. It’s better to listen, accept, and be available if anything goes wrong than to try and enforce your views on anyone. If a buddy mentions he joined a polygamy dating site, talk to him openly about it. If a friend expresses discomfort with their birth gender, help them sort through those feelings and make the healthiest decision. If your lifelong girlfriend decides to explore polygamy and what it means to be a sister wife, hold her hand for the journey. 

Allowing people to form the bonds and love lives they truly desire isn’t hurting anyone. It’s helping. If you can’t help them find their true loves, at least don’t stand in their way.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Poly Love, Not Double Standards

There’s an old saying which is rarely used today, but it’s meaning remains every bit as valid. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” Essentially it refers to treating people the same as you’d like to be treated, but it goes further in suggesting you should have the same expectations as others expect of you. Think about a time a rule was explicitly enforced on you while you watched someone else blatantly ignore the rule then suffer no consequence for it. It’s common in the workplace. A co-worker befriends a member of management and comes in a few minutes late almost every day, but never is a word spoken of it. You come in late twice in one week and end up with a verbal warning, or worse. It’s an unfortunate tendency in human nature. For my friends, the world. Everyone else, the rules. Double standards in the workplace are frustrating, but typically there are resources to correct the situation. Double standards at home, or in intimate relationships, are far more complex. Relationships don’t have written rules so it’s up to each participant to set expectations and standards and stick to them. Here are a few ways to avoid power imbalances and double standards in your poly relationship. 

Sticking with workplace examples to make the next point. At work there is usually a manager to oversee operations, ensure employees are performing up to par, and implement disciplinary action when needed. This is not how intimate relationships should work. Everyone involved in a relationship is a ‘manager’ of that relationship and should be treated as such. Even if you’re into power play, or other similar kink, it should not be the guiding principle of your day to day relationship. Indulge yourself, but don’t lose yourself. When you invite a new person into your existing relationship, you are fully welcoming their input about relationship structure and expectations. When a polygamous man finds a new sister wife, she needs to be equal to any existing wives. There are some areas where trust has to be developed, naturally, but no efforts should be made to thwart a new member of your poly group from expressing themselves to the fullest. If your desire is to limit or control others, it’s not love you’re after. 

Even in the world of polyamorous relationships there is a surprising amount of unreasonable jealousy. I’ve lost count of the number of times poly friends have expressed that they want to date other people, but want their partner to only be with them. This is usually expressed with full knowledge that it’s ridiculous, but is a real feeling nonetheless. In a world with too many people clinging to the idea of relationships as a form of possession, it’s not easy to break the habit. In order to grow a polygamous family or polyamorous group there has to be an environment that encourages dating and free expression. Patriarchal structures add a layer of difficulty to this concept. In a polygamous family, usually it’s only the husband that dates prospective new sister wives. The only way to justify this is by ensuring each current wife is happy with the arrangement and knows she is also free to start dating if she ever wants to. Some people will balk at this idea, but don’t forget, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. It’s only fair. Marriage, of any type, stopped being about possession decades ago. Love is what keeps people together. Don’t poison it with a double standard based on your inability to trust. 

Trust is such a trigger word. It’s hard to maintain, easy to lose, and is required for healthy relationships in every aspect of life. We will stop going to a restaurant after years of enjoying the place based on one bad experience. We’ll convince ourselves to drive two miles out of the way for something we need because an employee at the local shop had a bad day once and was rude. Trust is complicated. There is no easier time to employ a double standard than when we feel our trust has been tested. In situations with the local shop or restaurant the only damage our pettiness will cause is a little less business they likely won’t even notice. However, pettiness over silly incidents with the ones we love can cause irreversible damage. It can kick off a litany of power plays and double standards that will ensure the demise of even the strongest relationship. People will show the worst of themselves when they feel they have something to prove. The only thing we should be concerned with proving to a lover is our ability to love. Love is forgiving, supportive, and without nefarious intent. 

Relationships come in so many forms it would be impossible to pin them all down. Each person involved in an arrangement brings a unique perspective that should mold the relationship into something that is beautiful to them. There is really no wrong way to have a relationship as long as it reflects all of the people in it. We make the most amazing things in this world when we bring all of our best ideas to the table. You have to love and trust each other. When you look for polyamorous dates you need to keep the current love in your life at the forefront of your heart. A relationship cannot be healthy if anyone feels neglected or unhappy. Never prioritize pride, selfish desires, or pettiness over the people you love. Remember this, and that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and you’ll have a strong platform to work from. Polygamy dating, poly dating, and maintaining happy relationships is enough work already. Don’t make it worse by ignoring a double standard when you see it, whether it’s your double standard or a lovers’. Love is always more important than ego.    

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

We’re all guilty of pushing our personal views onto other people a little too hard at times. It’s easy to feel confident you are correct about something and become frustrated at anyone with an opposing view. You often can believe you’re actually helping someone by persuading them to think like you. Maybe you are, Maybe you’re not. There’s trouble brewing either way when you become inflexible. None of us have all of the answers and our discourse should be focused on sharing ideas rather than claiming moral or logical superiority against others with perfectly reasonable views. Not everything needs to be personal outside of your own intimate relationships. Here are some thoughts on choosing your battles wisely, respecting the choices and views of others, and contributing to a more accepting world where people can pursue their polyamorous dreams without fear of discriminatory interference.

An important concept to embrace is how useless your negative opinions are in the grand scheme. This isn’t about feeling you don’t matter and can’t contribute. It’s about the diminishing impact you have on the world as you foster negative views. There is a difference between skepticism and negativity, by the way. For example, it’s perfectly reasonable to believe polygamy and polyamory are entirely different things. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to school people for identifying as polygamous when you believe they are only polyamorous. If a group of poly lovers choose to describe their relationship as polygamous in an effort to express a greater level of commitment to each other it is nobody’s right to tell them they are wrong. On the other hand, if a woman wants to be a traditional sister wife it’s only expected she would likely not choose a family that involves two men. It’s not about doing anything that isn’t right for oneself. It’s about realizing that everyone is different and should be able to follow their own path without others attempting to ‘correct’ them along the way. 

Let’s say you’re a person that feels very strongly that the rules of monogamy and polygamy are set in stone. It’s one man and one woman, or one man and multiple wives, only. There are plenty of people in the world that will support your views. It will be easy to feel very confident that you are absolutely correct and that people should listen to you. There are certainly millions around the world on your side. The fact is, plenty of same sex marriages have been wildly successful and it made more people happy in the world. There are thousands of successful mixed gender group relationships in the world identifying as polygamous, or whatever they prefer, and this also has lead to more happy people in the world. If the joy of others upsets you, you are the problem. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t follow your own heart in your personal life, but every reason to respect others following their hearts as well. 

There are situations where your strong opinions are needed to persuade others. If you see someone trying to go along with a relationship that is clearly unhealthy there should be no hesitation with offering your advice and help. The dating world, poly or not, can be a tricky and dangerous place. From sex cults to lone abusers, there are predators out there looking for prey. Respecting the choices of others doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye to obvious dangers. Love and sex can play crazy tricks on the best of us. If you see sudden changes in a friends personality after they meet someone, signs of physical abuse, or any red flags don’t be afraid to thwart the relationship. Tread carefully and respectfully, but never let them slip away into a world they might not be able to escape without a real effort to pull them back to their senses. Polyamory is about love. It’s not about abuse and control, and that’s an opinion it’s okay to enforce.

As acceptance grows for many different types of loving relationships so, too, will opinions about them multiply. It’s easy to jump on a naysayer bandwagon as humans have an odd affinity for mob mentalities. Before picking and choosing which non-monogamous relationships you’ll accept or reject, and insisting on telling them how to define their own relationships, think about the effect your opinion actually has on the world. Is it really helping anyone but the naysayers that are impossible to please? Eventually those naysayers will find fault in your life too. That’s what they do. Do you really want to be a part of that? Why not be a part of the world that’s trying to make it a happier and more accepting place? Before jumping on a friends back when they mention their account on a polygamy dating site, ask them how that would work for them. Instead of telling your friend the couple they’ve met is only using them for sex, or worse, talk to them about how they picture a future with them. How would it work? The life of a sister wife or member of a polyamorous group is often quite wonderful. Don’t have a negative impact on them. If you really cannot respect someone else’s relationship it’s better to walk away. 

Everyone is trudging through life doing the best they can. The number of obstacles and barriers people face make it difficult enough to find and maintain joy. Showing love and support for all the diversity around you will reward your life with experiences and insights that are invaluable. Having personal views that stem from a place of love, support, and acceptance will only lead to more satisfaction in your own life. When you see people loving each other whatever way they see fit, be happy for them. Your opinion about the dynamics and labels they should be embracing is irrelevant to their experience. If nothing else, consider the old saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, why say anything at all?” This is especially true when your words only seek to cause harm, which is not helping anyone. Spread love and stop hate.   

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: 

A passing thought about polyamory can make it seem like an easy and care-free lifestyle that mostly only immature young adults enjoy. There is a certain freedom to be enjoyed when people choose to not limit intimacy and love in their lives. Less finality and more opportunity is lovely, but comes with responsibilities that should not be ignored. Intimacy with more than one person means more chances to cause emotional trauma, more sexual partners means a higher health risk, and following an unfamiliar life path leads to unique circumstances you and many of your peers simply won’t understand. You become part of an ‘alternative lifestyle’ which can expose you to heavy scrutiny. Don’t let any of this discourage you. Your poly life can be one of great beauty and fulfillment as long as you’ve considered your true desires and how to approach them in respectful and constructive ways. 

Think about your ultimate relationship. Do you want to be a sister wife? Would you like one or more lovers of the opposite or same sex, or both? Are you a man that wants sister wives, or would like to join other men and all share one wife or girlfriend together? If you could paint the picture of your perfect family or intimate group, what would it look like? Take this part seriously because this is what will drive all of the decisions and behaviors you’ll need to develop in order to have the life you want in a fulfilling and ethical manner. There are no limits to the life you ultimately desire. As long as you intend and cause no harm, and are genuinely following your heart, you can rest assured you’re doing the right things. 

If you simply don’t wish to commit to anyone romantically, but enjoy finding sexual partners frequently, you are not polyamorous. You can have an open relationship with one or more partners, but sex outside of the relationship is just sleeping around. There is nothing wrong with this as long as any people you have committed to are aware of your activities, however, those behaviors should not be considered a form of polyamory. It’s actually what many people incorrectly perceive as polyamory. Polyamory and polygamy imply a certain degree of investment beyond getting laid. ‘The Ethical Slut’ is a great read that lays out how to live a slutty lifestyle while minimizing risks. If you and/or your partners insist on sleeping around you should read it and consider the behaviors you can develop to protect yourself and others from any harm. 

This leads to poly and polygamy dating in a new pandemic weary world. If you and/or your partners are seeking others to join you romantically it means you have to meet new people, which can lead to sexual encounters regardless of new relationships working or not. It should be pointed out that in order to ethically have sex with anyone many of the standards pointed out here should have already been followed. There has always been risk involved when sleeping with what essentially are strangers. Talk about any risk you bring to the encounter and ask questions about risks the others may pose. This has to become part of the experience without ruining the moment. We have to get comfortable with it. Mostly, we have to tell the truth. There is no way to stay ahead of an outbreak if people are not being candid and taking health risks, of any kind, seriously. If you find yourself afraid of this discussion, or incapable of presenting the truth about your risks, you need to put your sex life on pause to consider your motivations. 

An insatiable sex drive is not a problem if you come by it honestly. Wanting multiple regular partners because you don’t want to overwhelm one person is arguably an amazing gift, good for you. On the flip side, an unquenchable sex drive stemming from an emotional issue runs a high risk of falling into destructive behavior. Dating to find healthy connections with new people and grow your group or family should not be influenced by destructive behavior. It should be a well considered and intentional experience where you’re seeking real connections with people that share similar desires in life and love. This is why it’s so important to be in touch with your personal drives and motivations. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself meeting the wrong people and trying to forge relationships that have no chance of real success. Nobody wants to be lonely, but better to spend some time alone than to hurt yourself and others through desperate attempts to force doomed relationships to work. 

In the time you spend alone it will be easy to believe the naysayers when they say you’re doing something wrong. Choosing to challenge societal norms naturally leads to some level of ostracization because without imposing consequences, society at large feels it’s losing control. People that choose to live outside of the heterosexual, monogamous, patriarchy have a responsibility to support each other. Consider yourself your own, new, letter in the LGBTQ+ movement. In order to be happy, you need supportive friends. In order to enjoy the support of friends it’s only fair to offer your support in return. These are the people that will help you embrace yourself and keep you strapped to your seat while you ride the roller coaster of finding love. Trust them when they’re concerned for you. Tell them when you see red flags they may not notice. The bond you share is just as strong as with any lover you’ll find. Treasure your friends. 

Common themes when discussing ethics are honesty with yourself and others, respect for yourself and others, integrity, intent, and generosity. Nobody is perfect. We will all fall short at times until the day we die. It’s important to genuinely forgive yourself while you sort out the influences pushing you in the right and wrong directions. As you search for that perfect poly love situation, or polygamous family, you can’t forget the number one relationship in your life is with yourself. If you don’t love and respect yourself, it will be difficult to offer others the love and respect they deserve from you. Yes, you can meet a friend or lover that helps you to that goal, but you have to lay the groundwork first. The best thing about approaching anything in life ethically is you can be assured of better results. Feeling good about your choices and being a reliable friend or lover will never lead you astray. Be safe, be strong, and always spread love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

The dating world is tough to navigate no matter your preference for potential partners or lifestyle. Saying hello for the first time, spending those first moments together, and learning about each other is exciting and stressful all at the same time. On top of all of the struggle to find love is the unfortunate reality that disasters will strike. As the old saying goes, *stuff happens. All of us will face things in life that require all of our energy and focus, but the need for human connection cannot be pushed aside. Everyone is living in one of those unfortunate moments right now. Many are stuck at home wondering if life can ever return to normal. Coronavirus, or Covid-19, is likely to change everything for a very long time, maybe forever. Here are some things to consider while confined to home and moving forward as a polyamorous or polygamous person in a world forever affected. 

The main thing everyone has to commit to, immediately, is taking outbreaks like coronavirus (Covid-19) seriously. That’s the first line of defense. Staying home when a deadly virus is circulating will allow the time needed to reduce the speed of its spread and keep it to a level that won’t overwhelm healthcare facilities. Deadly viruses don’t have to be so deadly if we can slow them down and ensure access to care to everyone that catches them. If you are in the polygamy dating or poly world consider new ways to date.

Online dating is a great way to make contact with potential new partners or sister wives, and from there you can plan to meet in person once it’s safe to go out again. It’s going to be very tempting to meet sooner, but, stay strong and committed to protecting yourself, and everyone else too! If you all get sick, what’s the point? Be sick and die together? Don’t be ridiculous. Better to be smart together and find ways to have fun in the safety of home. 

Look into applications like Skype, Facetime, and Zoom. With some, you can have multiple people in one chat or meeting which is perfect for your polyamorous group, or for all your sister wives to join in. If you prefer to stick to messaging only, you can have movie dates simply by starting a movie at the same time as a friend and message each other throughout. Share a playlist and dance together on a call. You can even get sexy with all of your lovers at the same time on video chat if you’re feeling frisky. There are so many ways to hang out virtually with the people you love today. Use them the same with new people you’re meeting. Unfortunately, with disaster comes vultures, so watch closely for red flags or scammers. Never send money, nudes, or give out private information to someone you’ve never met. Many people have nothing better to do than to run scams from home right now, be careful not to waste any precious time on anyone that is suspect. Keep it fun, keep it sexy, find new ways to virtually connect, and maybe even invent new ways! The sky's the limit in the virtual world. Finding a new sister wife, polygamous husband, poly date, or poly partner of any kind has never been more accessible than it is today.  

No matter the risk involved, some people will insist on going out into the public and meeting for a date, or worse, going to one or the other’s home. It’s understandable that, for many, virtual hangouts just aren’t the same. It’s natural that you’ll want to share physical space with each other. While it’s risky and absolutely not encouraged there are a few things you can do to mitigate the dangers. Some areas, even areas on lock down, are allowing people to spend some time outdoors in certain places, like parks. Meeting someone new can happen in these spaces, but keep the standards of social distancing in mind. Walk and talk a few feet apart, at least. Don’t kiss, don’t hug, don’t hold hands. Remember that you aren’t only protecting yourself, you’re also protecting them. Shifting your focus off of self protection and toward protecting others helps with adopting safer behavior. It’s not fair, and not right, to put others at risks you were willing to take. Shift your perspective. Going to another person's home during a quarantine involves so many risks it’s unimaginable you’d want to do it. If you do, consider bringing a change of clean clothes and slippers to wear in their home. Take a shower when you arrive and leave your dirty clothes in a plastic bag. Wash your hands regularly while you’re visiting. Stay at least a few feet away from each other and do not engage in physical contact. If you insist on physical contact, the least you can do for each other is discuss your risk level first. Honestly, if you were too selfish to wait until it’s safe you’re part of the problem, but there are still steps you can take to mitigate the danger.    

Let’s get this straight. This is not advice from a medical professional. This is simply a plea for people to take Covid-19, or any deadly outbreak, seriously with a realization that some people will still take risks. If you feel a little under the weather, be honest about it. Don’t meet someone that thinks you’re completely healthy when you’ve been feeling even a little sick. If you’ve been around groups of people, talk about it. If you’ve been around someone that was diagnosed with Covid-19, it would be unconscionable not to share this information. Take real responsibility for your part in this pandemic and the safety of others.

Polyamory is an exciting lifestyle, but like most good things in life, there are always risks. Online dating and social media are modern phenomena that actually make this pandemic more bearable. Take advantage of it. Be smart. Learn to express your love in new, virtual ways. Humans are incredible. We’re able to fly to every corner of the Earth in mere hours nowadays. We’re witnessing the darker side of globalism with this rapid spread of a deadly virus, but we can help protect each other from danger while still meeting and mingling in ever more creative ways online. The world may never be the same. Instead of hearing that and being too sad over the loss of days gone, consider this a new opportunity for a better way forward. Polygamy will live on. Polyamory will continue to grow as one of the most beautiful ways to enjoy people you love. Sexuality will continue both enhancing and complicating lives. Change is ultimately good and if we take charge of this situation we can ensure a better, safer, future. Be safe and protect everyone around you. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc:

Many people considering polyamory are discouraged by the unnatural feeling of the idea. Marriage involving only two people has been society's standard for so long that other options simply feel wrong. Fighting our natural inclination to love more than one person intimately has become a badge of honor. Monogamy works for a lot of people. There is absolutely no fault in it as long as it feels right for two people that choose it. There is a major problem with the judgment others face when they choose other standards to follow. The fact that the ability to have a relationship with more than one person takes time to master is not due to any fault in it. It’s a natural lifestyle that has been suppressed to the point of needing to be nurtured until you get it right. Society is waking up to polyamory and poly relationships are becoming safer and better for everyone involved. Here are ways you can embrace your poly dreams, or the poly relationships of your peers.

First off, all relationships are work. Even parents and their children have to work at maintaining healthy relationships. Most great friends go through a rough phase and have to decide to put their love for one another above their qualms. Love is complicated and deep. Assuming anyone wants a poly relationship due to a lack of ability to commit is unfair, and frankly, rude. There are few things more childish than adults that want to hold everyone to their personal standards and preferences. Building a poly family takes a lot of backbone. Your relationship will be judged harshly and you will face people that believe you are living in sin. All of this will be in addition to the normal struggles of any relationship. You will always have a dozen reasons to quit and plenty of people that will believe they’re helping you when you lean on them to leave a plural relationship. Be wary of the intentions of those that don’t respect you to begin with. Don’t leave people you love in an effort to live right in the eyes of others. Always build on what is right for you. 

The argument that plural relationships are not natural is a total non-starter. Mating for life exists in nature, sure, but it is not the only form of reproduction. There are many ways animals mate, even some rather violent ways. Few mammals have sex for both reproduction and enjoyment, but humans are one of them. The very nature of our intimacy, sexual urges, and ability to love multiple people so deeply shows that ‘mating for life’ is very likely the less natural option for humans. It’s important to stop concerning ourselves with natural things. We, as a society, should be supporting the human capacity to make our own choices. Cars are not natural. Brick and mortar homes are not natural. We don’t think those unnatural things are somehow sinful. Why would we consider a relationship that makes someone happy somehow evil? It’s not. What’s evil is the desperation to control every single person and thing around us in an effort to feel safe and validated. Find the things that are right for you and respect the right for others to choose whatever makes them happy. It’s really that simple. 

Once you’ve found the life and loves that make you happy it’s important to encourage others to do the same. We owe it to each other to help bring out the best in every life we touch. If you have a friend that wants to become a sister wife, be a friend she can turn to if anything goes wrong. Don’t judge her. Love her. If you have a friend that wants to build a polygamous family and find multiple sister wives, help them find good people and embrace their family like any other. Pushing people with different lifestyles to the fringe of society leads to dangerous situations where people are afraid to get the help they need if things go awry. There are monsters in the world we can protect each other from simply by loving and fully respecting all the good people in the world. Why would you want to be a person that makes the world precarious for anyone else? The golden rule applies, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Take it a step further and go out of your way to do more for others than you ever expect anyone to do for you. Nurturing the best in others only makes your world better in return. 

Polyamory is a beautiful lifestyle that can lead to a world with less loneliness and happier love lives all around. It’s absolutely not right for everyone and it’s not easy to make the adjustment. If you’re fortunate enough to find the right people that share your poly dream, the possibilities are endless. You don’t have to close yourselves off to the world. There’s no need to reject or lie about any desire or attraction you may have toward others. Even if you’re part of just a couple that’s only open to the idea, your relationship will benefit from the level of honesty you can share. Being open to new things and supporting the natural feelings of your loved ones gives them the freedom to be their authentic self, which gives you an authentic connection to them. Some people do get involved in relationships to control another person. A lot of men want a wife that will make him the absolute center of her life, and nothing else! This so often leads to resentment, lying, cheating, and heartache. It’s your choice. Your life can resemble a depressing country song, or a beautiful symphony with all its complexities and depth. You can build and share beauty or continue hate’s uncanny ability to infect lives. Stop fussing over the idea of anything being natural and start nurturing love in every corner of the world.   

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: 

Everyone has an opinion. Hell, some people have a lot of opinions. Some feel strongly about one thing or another, and some don’t feel too concerned about anything at all. Sayings like “it takes all kinds,” or “different strokes for different folks,” often oversimplify the trauma differences of opinion can inflict on people or relationships. The severity of these impacts seems to be heightened in our modern times. People today are very divided and far too willing to draw lines in the sand that nobody can even dare step too close to. Life is politics. This is nothing new. What’s new is the fervor that has become so common when concerning one’s opinions. It’s as though our opinions are the last thing we feel we have to define ourselves as an individual even though they are mostly derived from memes, sound bites, and whatever media outlet you’re most exposed to. There are two ways poly people can be affected by this. One is negative views of your relationships from outside of your circle of supportive family and friends. The other is when extreme views seep into the mind of someone you love. It’s very hard to change minds and hearts, but living with adverse views isn’t impossible if you’ve decided to try. 

Before deciding to live with a partner or loved one with opposing extremist views you should decide if it’s really worth it. Saying goodbye is usually no fun, but it’s a hell of a lot better than compromising your life and happiness because you’re afraid to do so. People with strong views don’t always press those views onto others. If you’re loved one has no trouble giving you space for your political leanings without passively or actively ‘punishing’ you, and you have no trouble shrugging off the times they rant to others, you might be fine. If your loved one is angry inside because you disagree with them it’s time to do some serious soul searching as to why you’re with them. There is a lot of ‘in between’ with these two situations and where you stand is something only you can know. Unfortunately, when two people are very different politically they stand a big chance of eventually growing apart. Trying to find common ground and encouraging more moderate views can stave this off, but be careful not to start giving so much that you’re losing yourself in their world of obsession. Relationships are about growth and support, not use and abuse that favors one, or more, over another. If you can’t ‘do you’ in a relationship, you need to get away.  

Sister wives, or a woman looking to become a sister wife, should be vigilantly aware of the political leanings of a man or family of interest, as well as their religious views. It’s a whole new era for polygamous people as plural relationships continue entering the realm of societal norms, but archaic views of women and family can still be found. Modern women have choices when it comes to the relationships and sexuality that works for them and there are men out there that resent it. Men looking for sister wives need to be clear about their intentions. If a woman desires a traditional, patriarchal, marriage she is free to find a husband that will indulge her fantasies. If a woman wants nothing to do with patriarchal leadership she needs to know the questions to ask early in any dating situation to ensure she’s entertaining an option that will respect her right to a marriage of equality. Avoiding a crippling situation is the first line of defense. If you’re already in a situation where the views of one person in your life are treading on your individual sovereignty and happiness, be careful, but start developing a way out. Look for resources, talk to friends, hide money, or whatever is necessary to safely get, and stay, away. If you’re simply at odds with your partner, or partners, you again can attempt to pull them to a more moderate place, but don’t be afraid of the moment you have to admit it’s not worth it. True love will pull people closer together, not force them to compromise in order to save a relationship. There is nothing wrong with knowing when something isn’t working for you. 

The best of relationships, especially when you’re polyamorous, can fall under some terribly heavy scrutiny from the outside world. Beautiful polygamous families will never garner a positive thought or gesture from a person that believes they represent perversion or evil. A group of men in love, or group of women in love, and enjoying life together for some will only ever conjure thoughts of lives controlled by the ‘Devil.’ Some people will never accept any form of love that doesn’t match their narrow views of the world. It’s actually rather funny to think many of them believe they’re following their beloved Bible when the Bible is full of polyamory and/or polygamy. There is no way we can make everyone like or respect us, so as long as they aren’t involved in our lives personally we have to accept it. Acceptance doesn’t mean we have to let them affect us. We each have every right to tell our opponents to leave us alone. Being poly means you need to have some thicker skin so you’re not upset every time you feel judged. It’s going to happen and there is nothing that will change it. This is why it’s important to find your community of support. Support within your relationship is great, but support from others with poly lives in common is even better. Be there for your poly community and they will be there for you. 

Making life and love make sense is something every human being struggles with. It’s easy to feel like you’re alone in your struggle when you live a life some others label ‘alternative’. Adversity and difference is an unavoidable reality for us all. Finding the confidence to embrace yourself and to be totally authentic without discounting others is an art form we should all be developing, all the time. That won’t be the case so learning to face criticism gracefully is the alternative. When our nearest and dearest make life difficult it’s important to remember your love for them, but also to require them to hold up their end of the bargain. Nobody has enough time to waste it on anyone that doesn’t appreciate them as they are. Finding and living a poly love life is a gift we give to ourselves. We can know love that moves beyond the limits society has decided we should live by. Don’t let anyone, inside or outside, take away your joy. Love everyone, every day, as much as you can, and demand the respect you are owed so you can live your fullest life.

Published By: Christopher Alesich 

Matchmakers, Inc: 

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