Chris's article

The year 2020 is upon us! It’s the end of a very strange decade we won’t soon forget and a time to look ahead to new and better things. One of the still developing revolutions that will come to fruition in our modern 20’s era is a more honest approach to love, sex, and relationships. Many of the old rules surrounding gender roles and relationship norms no longer apply, or, at least, only apply by choice. The days of ‘good ‘ole boys’ and their ‘little ladies’ aren’t over, they’re improved because we now have a choice to play the roles we desire in our relationships. These roles no longer have to suit the expectations of others. Divorce rates are declining for the first time in decades because marriage doesn’t have to feel like a prison to many people any longer. Couples are finding the value in dating outside of their relationship, either apart or together, according to the rules that work for them. Removing the scourge of sneaking around behind each others backs is creating stronger and more loving relationships. Sharing truly is caring. Here are 5 considerations for exploring polyamory either with your current partner, or if you want to meet someone new. 

1. Use your imagination. Taking time to consider all of the possibilities and honing in on the relationship styles and situations that suit your desires will ensure you’re on your correct poly path. Maybe becoming a sister wife and enjoying a big family is right for you. Maybe dating an existing couple and being involved with them both is your cup of tea. Perhaps you want to avoid serious commitments and only date a few people at a time for the intimacy and fun then keep moving along. The only limits on your polyamorous relationships are those agreed upon by everyone involved. Do keep in mind that the desire to sleep around freely and never have any level of commitment is not polyamory. That’s fine if it’s your thing, but polyamory implies relationships that are more than just hookups, even if they aren’t serious at any point. Think about the respect you’d like from others while imagining the intimate situations that turn you on and you can narrow down the scenarios that will work for you. After some thoughtful consideration it’s time to get out there and mingle!  

2. Avoid delusions. Polyamory is not a magic bullet that will take out all of the common difficulties relationships can face. All of the same red flags when meeting others still apply. In fact, you have added red flags to look for. Stay away from people that use polyamory as an excuse to avoid commitment or that are covering up for a sex addiction. The trendy factor is also a major red flag. Getting involved with someone that thinks it’s cute to be poly for now, but will want to tie you down in 6 months, will bring nothing but heartache eventually. Be honest with your potential partners and forget any notions that eventually you’ll have a ‘normal’ relationship. Don’t use poly dating with an intention of fishing a monogamous relationship out of it someday. It’s unfair, unseemly, and you’re only going to hurt yourself and people you love.


3. Focus on enjoying yourself. It’s easy to feel alone and a bit desperate when you’re not making any connections that might lead to something more. The need for affection and intimacy is certainly a strong force within all of us. Don’t lose sight of the importance of self love, as well as love for everyone already in your life. Whether you’re a polygamous husband seeking a new sister wife, a single lady looking for a few Mr. Right’s, or a couple looking to date a third, neglecting the existing love and friendships already in your life will only feed feelings of loneliness or desperation. Polygamy or polyamory shouldn’t be mechanisms to complete you. They should be sources to share the whole person you are with other whole people you love. The ability to enjoy yourself, even when you are alone, puts a big green flag over you. Losing the need for others to feel complete is a gift we should all work to give ourselves.

4. Find the appropriate resources. Some people enjoy going out on the weekend while others enjoy community based social or religious events. There are online resources for everything from looking for a sister wife to finding a couple interested in a third just for some fun. It’s great to explore all the options out there, but important not to get yourself into uncomfortable situations. To put it in extreme but simple terms, if you have prudish tendencies it’s advisable to avoid swingers. Don’t judge yourself for your comfort zones. Know your comfort zones and learn to be confident about enforcing your boundaries. Not one thing about being polyamorous suggests being a pushover. Be open, be honest, be yourself, and you will eventually find the people and places that bring your unique version of joy.   

5. Remember who you are, and what you want. Honesty is almost always the best policy. We’ve all had that friend that always changed for every person they dated. Not changes that are natural, but in ways that made it clear they were out of touch with any personal identity and seeking an identity through a relationship. These people may be perfectly happy living for someone else, but something will always be missing for those that never really know themselves. Being in touch with your true personal desires and interests will help you be a better lover and friend. It will also help keep you from getting involved in relationships or situations that will never make you happy. Never compromise your core self to satisfy others when it comes to your life and happiness. Embrace yourself first, then others.    

With every new year comes a new lease on life. Something about putting a year behind us feels like leaving the past behind. A new year is a great time to step outside of our boxes and explore things we may not have dared to explore before. Keeping these considerations in mind will make sure you’re keeping it reasonable and thoughtful. Exploring the polyamorous possibilities in life doesn’t require you to do anything but get out there  and meet new people. Even if it never goes anywhere you could make some great new friends along the way. You and your current partner might only spice up your own relationship, but where’s the harm in that? You’ll learn more about yourself, your partner, and relationship at the very least. Keep it honest, keep it fun, keep your love growing in whatever way is right for you. Happy New Year! 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

So, you’ve done it. You and your partner found ‘the one’ that is going to start your journey into a fully polyamorous life. You’ve searched high and low, and probably for years, so you want to get everything just right. You’ve dated potential poly partners before, but this time it’s different. As feelings develop and intimacy becomes deeper you have to be prepared for the inevitable discomfort that comes with allowing another person’s energy to intertwine with something you’ve grown comfortable with over time. It can feel invasive, impossible, or even immoral for some. Second guessing ourselves is a talent most humans have perfected. Not only do you have to be there more for each other to get over the poly virgin hump, you also have to be there more for yourself. Don’t leave questions or concerns unexplored. Here are more things to expect and consider.

In love, nobody is a newbie. There will be a strong tendency to treat a new partner joining your relationship like they’re the new kid on the block. As though there are certain ways things are going to be and it’s your duty to teach them. Remember, you’re not adopting a pet for you and your partner to enjoy, you’re welcoming a whole new dimension and energy into your relationship. Your existing relationship has to become a whole new thing that includes the persuasions of everyone involved. There are plenty of things that might not change much at all, but putting up resistance to change will only block the natural evolution love needs to grow. Your relationship pronouns are ‘we, us, ours’. Too much ‘me and mine’ will drive a wedge between you and your partners. Focusing on what’s best for your poly family will ultimately lead to the best things for you. 

Love is sacrifice. A difficult part of welcoming a new person into your relationship is learning how to let go. This is not the type of letting go you’d experience by getting over a break up. This letting go is an incomplete version of the same thing. You’re not saying goodbye to your lover or learning to love them any less. However, in order to make room for someone new you both have to let each other go, just a little. This goes back to the ‘me and mine’ attitude that can cause harm. Focusing on ‘my’ boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband makes it impossible for your new love to truly become a significant life partner. It’s the same if you’ve found a new sister wife. If any existing wives treat the new sister wife like an outsider she may never be able to make her way in. A good polygamous family will make sure everyone feels welcome, and you cannot be polyamorous if you’re incapable of viewing each lover as an equal.

Figure out the rules and standards your polygamous or polyamorous family needs to follow early with each new addition. Keep in mind, this is not about imposing existing standards on your new lover, rather it’s about a discussion to find some middle ground that works for everyone. Many people will find they have very similar ideas in this matter once an open conversation can get going. Never give too much in areas you simply cannot bend, but strive to not be stubborn either. This is about forming a relationship that makes everyone happy, not a situation that will cause stress and anxiety. People that love each other shouldn’t seek ways to limit their partners so be aware of where your ideas are stemming from. That place should always be love, respect, and support. 

Expect tension and embrace it. It’s more alarming if the addition of a new lover to your family doesn’t bring tension. The best things in life don’t happen easily, polyamorous relationships are no exception. Centuries of social conditioning are going to result in feelings of jealousy and questions about morality. Feelings that seem to be happening naturally are often a result of arbitrary expectations society is all too happy to impose on everyone. Developing the ability to boldly follow your own path in life and relationships can take years. Many people simply give up and pretend they’re happy living a mediocre life that keeps everyone around them comfortable. It takes grit and determination to be different but if you can do it you won’t regret it. Letting in your first poly lover will require a ton of understanding, forgiveness, and knowing how to choose your battles. It’s not going to be easy, but that’s okay. It’s worth the struggle. When you come out on the other side you’ll be a bigger and better family. 

Use sex to connect. There is no better way to build a deep connection. Take advantage of the New Relationship Energy while it lasts and do it as often as you can handle it. Allow your partners’ to make love to each other all they want, if your agreed upon rules allow it, and make sure you get involved often as well. Make sure you’re keeping up with each of them as much as you can. The sex will become less frequent (most likely) over time but the deep connections you’re building will develop into other ways to connect. Sex also has an incredible ability to ease stress and tension while your new poly relationship is finding its’ footing. Stay focused on your relationship goals and make so much love to each other that it becomes impossible to fail. 

Finding a new sister wife or polyamorous lover is an exciting moment for anyone. It’s a moment when a few wrong moves can cause a lot of damage. Finding the balance between respecting and protecting your existing relationship while allowing the space for someone new is going to seem impossible at times. You will be tested and pushed in directions that take you to your limits. Keeping your head while going out of your way to be loving and supportive to your partners is the only way through the storm. Pride has to be swallowed at times and trust has to be given freely, but the results will bring so much joy you won’t even remember most of the struggle. Keep your eye on the prize and never forget that it’s all about love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Depression is a serious condition for anyone. It can lead to horrible outcomes without anyone on the outside having any clue it exists, or where it stems from. Your closest loved ones are the first line of defense against the havoc depression can wreak on your life. Polyamorous families, or groups, have the added benefit of multiple partners to spot depression and help loved ones through it. They also, however, have the potential to make a person feel even more alone and helpless if everyone isn’t being vigilant about the mental health of everyone they’re involved with. Unfortunately, there is little room for error when it comes to mental health. Dealing with depression is not an issue that can wait on a back burner. 

Spotting depression is not always easy. A person that needs a little time to themselves isn’t necessarily struggling with depression, but if a pattern of isolation is developing it’s time to have a talk. The same goes for a consistent lack of interest, constant sleeping, atypical messiness, continuing behavioral anomalies, strange eating habits, anxious or aggressive mood swings, or alarming weight fluctuations. Any time one of your partners are exhibiting any of these behaviors you need to have a talk. It could be as simple as them simply struggling to lose some weight and the lack of food to accomplish this is just making them ‘hangry,’ or they might be facing something more serious and open up and ask for help. Even when they don’t initially open up about depression it’s important not to ignore the issue. Finding the balance between pushing someone too much, which is bad, and encouraging them is an art form worth developing. Be very careful not to push someone that is already fragile. 

The best way to help is to listen to a person struggling with depression, but first you have to get them to talk. Their willingness to start talking has to come to them naturally so keep in mind that making yourself explicitly available to them is key. Make it clear you are there for them whenever they need you then be ready to drop everything for them. Remember, this is someone you love and if the relationship is healthy they would do the same for you. Don’t keep score on who needs the most help at any point (within reason) in your relationships. This is where your process of finding a sister wife or poly partner is vital to ensuring a happy future full of love and support. If a new potential sister wife seems like a person that won’t sacrifice herself for the family’s well-being it’s best to keep looking. If a potential addition to your poly family exhibits selfish behavior and indifference, keep looking for other polyamorous people that will be a benefit, not a detriment, to your life and love. Once you’ve found a new sister wife or poly partner to join your group or family they too need to know they are privy to the same benefits you enjoy. They should lend support whenever needed, same as you do for them.

It is worth mentioning that often when you’re going on polyamorous dates, or dates to seek new sister wives, what you see is not always what you get. New relationship energy can blind people from the truth about someone they’re getting to know. Everyone is also on their best behavior while trying to secure additions to, or join, a polygamous family or poly group. Taking ample time to really know a person is important before any commitments are made. Once you’ve allowed love to settle in and start making commitments it is much more difficult to end a relationship. Look for signs of depressive disorders when you meet new people. Someone with a sharp tongue and full of sarcasm can make a fun friend, but if it stems from a depression deep in them an intimate relationship could bring nothing but negativity into your life. Over-obsession with appearance, frequent complaining, severe indecision, no interests, no friends, heavy drug or alcohol use, etc. Some of these could be explained away but it’s worth noting them and finding the source of the behaviors. You never have more power over a relationship than in the beginning. The longer you let it go, the harder it will be to end. 

All of this being said, you can’t expect depression will never develop in yourself or someone you love. Ten happy years in a happy polygamous family or poly group does not mean someone among your loved ones can’t fall into a depression. You have to be there when they need you and sacrifice yourself to get them back to a happier place. While this is true, what are the limits? It’s very hard to tell someone you love, or even a friend, that you have to remove them from your life because they are toxic, but being in an intimate relationship does not give anyone involved the right to ruin anyone’s life. Perhaps the hardest decision some people have to make is to tell a lover they care for deeply to get out of their life. The limits of how much you can handle from another person are different for everyone, but if you are consistently being dragged into someone’s depression you cannot stick around. When you are being treated poorly by a lover you can’t spend the rest of your life making excuses for them. If you dread going home more often than not for extended periods of time, all the time, you have to make a change. Accepting the harsh truth when someone cannot be helped will spare you a ton of heartache in life. The decision should never be taken lightly, but it also shouldn’t be put off so long you forget how it feels to not live with depression, yours or your lovers. 

If a depression that can’t be helped happens to develop in you, it’s time to decide how much you can ask of your sister wives or lovers? How long can you keep dragging them down? At what point does your desire to hang on to your relationship cause a level of harm that will only drive you further into your darkness? It is insanity to maintain a life or behaviors that bring no good into your world. Don’t leave it up to your lovers to find the help you need. Do it because you love them. There is no shame in doing the right thing out of love for someone or something other than yourself, and in doing so, love for oneself is often rediscovered. It’s cliche and a bit annoying, but true, happiness is largely a choice. 

The amount of happiness possible in the world of poly and polygamous dating is breathtaking. Building your polygamous family or discovering your poly group is an exciting and fulfilling process that really never has to stop. Life will always get in the way. There could be developments like hormonal imbalances, tragic experiences, past trauma, medical conditions, financial disaster, or death. Any or all of these things can happen to anyone. Digging back out of feeling suddenly buried alive can take a long time and require massive support, but it can be done. It’s so important for polymorous people and lovers to be there for each other. Polygamous families as well. With each other we can survive whatever tragedies may come. Give a hug, lend an ear, share your experience, and share your love. We’re all in this together. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Polyamorous people have an enormous edge over monogamous people in life. It might even be a little unfair because the freedom and opportunity poly people enjoy, if appropriately utilized, can make us unstoppable. Forging your own path in life and allowing yourself, and your loved ones, to explore the things that really make you tick can lead to boundless joy and success. Here are a few suggestions to help take advantage of everything your polyamorous life has to offer. 

Do not ever get bogged down in the judgments and expectations others will gladly lay on you. It’s unfortunate, but sadly true, that the world is full of people who find trepidation in the joy of others. We’ve all had a bad day and have been guilty of rolling our eyes at someone being a little too happy for our current mood. Many people, however, are that way all of the time. The amount of love you live with and exude every day as a poly person will make them want to scratch your eyes out. Learning to handle their judgments against you with grace will keep everyone in the room enjoying their time around you. Others aren’t so miserable in their daily life, but have a severe addiction to control. Your freedom will conjure up thoughts of immorality in their minds because that’s the easiest way to put you back in the little box they need you in. Most of them will just think as they wish about you and keep it to themselves, but not all of them. When encountering someone trying to publicly stick you back in one of their ‘boxes’ you should rip the box to shreds. Your life and your love is none of their g.d. business and you have to make sure they know it. Politeness is good most of the time but don’t be a pushover. 

Choose love wisely, every time. The ability to enjoy multiple partners does not mean any of them should be taken lightly. A polygamous man looking for sister wives knows that each new sister wife needs to be an asset to his family. A woman looking to become a sister wife needs to enjoy her entire prospective family, at least for the most part. The same goes for polyamorous people joining an existing group. Multiple people loving each other and building loving groups or families can turn bad quickly if anyone involved isn’t taking it seriously. Polyamorous people have to be confident, honest, and forthcoming if they want successful relationships. Timidity is a big red flag. It signals discomfort and possibly some terrible secrets. On the other end of the spectrum are blowhards. This is an even bigger red flag. A person living honestly and according to their genuine character has no need to be boastful. Boasting is usually a cover-up for things a person lacks. Pity these people, don’t date them and think you can fix them. You cannot. 

Take advantage of the power of numbers! Polyamorous people aren’t bound to the ridiculous notion that a married man or woman can’t hang out alone with someone of the opposite sex. They can also maintain a social life in ways a traditional married couple often has to forfeit in order to be the little nuclear family they’re told to be. A healthy social life means more contacts and more opportunities will come your way throughout your entire life. There is no shame in networking. Humans are social creatures and removing opportunities for connections in your life will only lead to depression, lack of motivation, or worse. As you build your poly family over the years there comes another advantage with the numbers. A lot of people prefer to live alone, or with just one partner, but I’m a big proponent of stacking multiple incomes to enhance your buying power. Five working adults can buy an amazing property together even if none of them make six figures individually. The same goes for vacations, cars, etc. Stacking incomes and sharing responsibilities among multiple people can make life so much nicer. It puts a whole new twist on ‘The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker.’ Now that would be a fun tub to share! 

Encourage others to explore polyamory. This refers back to power in numbers a bit, but it’s very important to promote the poly lifestyle. Not only will it help increase numbers and visibility which can lead to social normalization, it also introduces others to happy lives they may have otherwise never thought possible. I’m not saying go door to door to spread ‘the good word’ like many religious groups do, but being out as poly and encouraging the lifestyle for others will go a long way. Religious groups have often accused gay people of ‘recruiting’ more gay people. That’s a ludicrous accusation, of course, but in reality it’s not a bad idea. Why not ‘recruit’ people to live a life that will make them happier and more complete if it suits them? Now we can touch back on the point about addiction to control. There are plenty of naysayers that can’t handle people enjoying happiness and freedom, don’t let them stop you. 

The truth is, if you’re already enjoying a polygamous family or polyamorous group you very likely have already been maximizing your life. It comes with the territory. Poly people decide to become sister wives or join a poly group because it’s already in their character to make the most of life. It’s not hard to live a wonderful life when it’s full of so much love. Using all of that love and confidence along with making good choices for you and all of your family or partners will produce a life many can only dream of. Enjoy it. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Before I begin, I should point out that the barriers this article explores are not inherent in polyamory itself. These barriers are placed on polyamorous and polygamous people by forces outside of their relationships. We live in a world full of people that are ever-ready to limit or tear others down. Wielding power over others is like a drug for too many people. They prey on differences they know will strike fear in the general population and exploit this to maintain a superior position, or at least the feeling of it. Once you’ve fallen victim to one of these people it can be seemingly impossible to recover your reputation and relationships in a community. It’s never been more important for people with unique lives to hold each other up. Polygamists, polyamorous people, anyone that is LGBTQ, immigrants, and people of color all need to set our differences aside and help each other fight hateful forces. The only way to create positive change in the world is to remove the power of negativity and hate. Knowing how to identify negativity and hate, and where it comes from, is the first step in a better direction.

Polygamous families have faced discrimination for decades now. What was once a fairly normal practice somehow became taboo over the last few centuries. It used to be kings or wealthy men that looked for the historical equivalent of sister wives. Over the years marriage became the social norm for rich and poor alike, but somehow along with this evolution polygamy became an unpopular choice. Recent developments have reintroduced polygamy as a viable option and the morality vultures have been circling ever since. Rather than supporting a woman that wants to become a sister wife, much of society acts quickly to attack her character and accuse her of being weak, or even dumb. Men that want sister wives are often called monsters and abusers. Society just can’t handle the idea of a relationship or marriage unlike their own. It would be one thing to disagree with polygamy and leave polygamists alone, but that’s too often not the case. Polymagous families need to be prepared, both legally and emotionally, to address criticism quickly and efficiently. Learning to be unaffected by hate from others will keep your reaction logical and effective. 

Polyamorous people might have an easier time than polygamists in the public eye, but don’t get too comfortable. Polygamy and polyamory are essentially the same idea. Both involve multiple people being involved intimately with each other. Even though more people might have a negative association with the word ‘polygamy,’ don’t think for a second that plenty of people don’t deeply disapprove of polyamory. There are plenty of conservative old housewives alone out there that would believe they’re accomplishing an important mission by outing polyamorists and informing them of what she perceives as ‘the right way to live’ in a very public way. Don’t forget that we live in an age with people following something called ‘The Gospel of Wealth.’ People really believe God rewards them for being strict Christians. Enforcing their values onto your poly group or family would only serve as a reason for more rewards from God in their eyes. Shaming you into their way of life is not beneath them. These self-described ‘Christians’ are in it for the benefits, and power, not for any altruistic purpose. Don’t get caught in their web. 

There are plenty of good people in the world, both Christian and non-Christian, religious and non-religious. Find the good people and pursue social relationships with them. Building a network with the good people of the world is the only way to push back against the barriers we don’t deserve to face in life. People that choose to follow their own paths need each other. This is why cities like New York and LA have successful people from all walks of life. They provide alternate communities for all kinds of people due to their large and concentrated populations. This doesn’t mean smaller areas can’t provide the same opportunity for everyone. With a little effort even a small town can embrace diversity and provide a safe space for all. Whatever your faith is, don’t let anyone claim to own the patent on Christianity (or any other religion). A person using their faith to harm others is proof their faith is false. You can safely reject the walls they try to build around you. Damage can still be done but confidence and certainty of your moral high ground will help you recover. 

The only real barriers in life are the ones we accept. Not to say other people can’t make life difficult, but most of the limits you feel come from your acceptance of the barriers others place on you. If you are a man that knows finding sister wives and building a polygamous family is right for you, do it. If you’re a woman that knows being a sister wife will make you truly happy, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not an acceptable option. If polyamory is your path to healthy relationships and a life of joy, why on earth would you let a miserable person discourage you from your dreams. A friend with valid concerns is a good thing. A person that’s jealous of your joy is dangerous. Learn to spot the difference and never surrender to the standards others are only interested in using against you. Your life, your loves’, your way.      

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Most people have felt it but many may not have heard of it yet. New Relationship Energy, NRE, is a serious thing! That feeling when you meet someone new and everything seems to fall perfectly in place even though it looks like a mess from the outside. The desire to see this new person all the time and constantly texting them in between. It’s the feeling of being on top of the world with someone you swear you can spend the rest of your life with. NRE is a dangerous and exciting phenomenon that can either merge lives together into beautiful relationships, or it can blind people by making them ignore red flags all over the place. NRE can also make or break current relationships if it’s inebriating effects aren’t reigned in to maintain logical, respectful, behaviors. Polyamorous and polygamous people especially need to be careful when NRE has intoxicated them. It can be productive and enlightening, or it can be addictive and destructive if you’re not careful. 

In general, for polygamous people, it will be the man of the family that’s seeking out potential new sister wives and always having polygamy dating on his mind. It’s natural for a man to desire multiple women and the polygamous lifestyle, of course, encourages men to fulfill this natural urge. As long as his current sister wives are happy and the family is functioning in healthy ways there should be no issues with growing the family. No issues today doesn’t always lead to a trouble free tomorrow though. If a polygamous man is constantly seeking and dating potential new sister wives one has to wonder where the motivation is coming from. Are his intentions pure or is he addicted to NRE? It’s an easy addiction to develop. Love is a drug and when it’s fresh in your system the feeling is indescribable. There is no need to be ashamed as long as he can own up to his problem and learn to maintain his focus on always putting his family first. 

Polyamorous relationships can run into the same issue of dating for the sake of constantly feeling NRE. Whether a couple or group are constantly dating new people together or separately, it’s not fair to the relationship to spend too much energy seeking new people all the time. As with most things, relationships develop better when they aren’t being forced. Endlessly seeking new dates removes the magic of meeting someone naturally. It will also put a strain on your existing relationships whether you want to believe it or not. As I’ve mentioned many times before, polyamory isn’t about dating every person you think is attractive or feeding a sex (or NRE) addiction. It’s about building multiple deeply loving relationships even after the New Relationship Energy has worn off. A polyamorous person with no moral compass or inclination for self control can quickly become a selfish clown that is bringing the opposite of love into many lives. 

It’s important to step back and consider your motivation for almost anything you’re doing. You should do this frequently. Some things are simple. You know you go to work because you get paid to work and you need the money to live. What about the bar or cafe you frequent? What compels you to choose that place most of the time? Why do you, maybe, prefer one type of shoe most of the time? These things sound trivial but it’s a good exercise in learning to be in touch with your motivations. Developing insight into the things that motivate you can help in making better choices, including in your dating life. When you meet someone that is drop dead gorgeous it’s easy to fall for them just because they’re giving you attention. They could be fresh out of prison for selling crack and their looks can have you under a spell in no time. NRE is strong and you have to watch out for people who know how to use it against you. Being in touch with your motivations can ensure the hottie is a ‘one and done’ situation, if anything, instead of you or your car ending up in a drug bust six months down the road. 

What if it’s too late? What if you got wrapped up in a relationship with someone that is absolutely wrong for you and the NRE has worn off? Never forget the power of NOW. The sooner you correct a bad thing the better. You never have more power over a relationship than when you first make eye contact. The early days are a time that breaking it off might sting but it isn’t going to create a permanent scar. The longer and more intertwined you become with a person or group you’re dating the more energy you’re going to have to muster to get out. This is why it’s so important to be in touch with what drives you. Pretty eyes can capture your attention but a solid understanding of oneself can steer you to another set of pretty eyes that will build you up instead of wear you down. 

New Relationship Energy is a beautiful thing. It should be something to enjoy while it leads to amazing relationships. The privilege polyamorous and polygamous people have to experience it all through their life should be handled with care. It’s a gift that can keep on giving as long as everyone involved stays responsible, honest, understanding, and most of all loving. Whether you’re sharing the experience with your current lovers or sister wives, or enjoying someone new just for yourself, never neglect the love already in your life. Every relationship helps make you who you are. Make sure you’re worth it.    


Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

With all the the fun and excitement the polyamorous life offers, it’s easy to get a little too wrapped up in it. The benefits of poly love can quickly decline into a world of hurt for yourself and the people you care about. Every relationship is different and limitations must be catered to each person involved in a plural marriage or relationship. Even if you’ve set little to no boundaries on the relationship you can still go too far. How do you figure out your personal boundaries and have the courage to express them to your loved ones? How do you pull back and be honest when you’ve slid in the wrong direction?

First of all, you have to find people that are compatible with you from the get-go. As discussed in previous articles, the poly life is not something to dive blindly into. Taking time to search your soul and knowing the relationships that will actually work for you is vital for long term enjoyment in poly dating and relationships. There are differing measures of ‘too much’ for everyone so sharing your thoughts and ideas about boundaries can determine whether or not a medium ground can be found between two people. If that compromise doesn’t really work for you don’t try to force it. You can still be friends, even if it’s only with occasional benefits. As long as any other partners are aware of your situation, you’re golden. 

Once you’ve settled on some boundaries and standards with a love interest, don’t be a jerk! It’s one thing to have evolving feelings and desires, it’s another to deceive a lover. Having the courage to be forthcoming about your feelings with your lovers is paramount to maintaining healthy relationships. The very nature of polyamory is to not expect your partner to be exclusively with you, so on the other end of this, also, don’t be a jerk! Don’t draw lines in the sand out of jealousy or fear because there will come a time you’ve met someone of interest and will want your partners to be okay with it. Polyamory is a two way street. To expect all the fun for yourself and none for your lovers is not polyamorous, it’s selfish. 

Let’s say you didn’t follow any of this advice and you’ve already been inappropriate with a new interest. If you have a fully open policy it can be okay, but I find most poly people still like to know about these things, even if just for the health safety factor. So, for the sake of this article the situation is that you’ve already taken a new interest too far and your current partners don’t know about it. Sorry to say, you made the mistake so you have to fess up to it. Don’t wait until it’s comfortable for you. Don’t wait until another partner messes up. Don’t dare put it off until you’re breaking up just to hurt your now ex-lover. Be a grown up. If you don’t have the confidence to own up to your relationship mistakes you need to work on yourself before getting involved intimately with others. Depending on your relationships setup, and your partners acceptance, you may even be able to pull in this new person if you have real feelings for them. 

That being said, polyamory does not mean a person can run around sleeping with whomever they’d like all the time. That’s not how relationships work. You can sleep with someone you run into once in a while, or when on vacation, or maybe that you’ve met online, occasionally. You can do this if your relationship allows for it, of course. However, you notice the use of the words ‘once in a while’ and ‘occasionally?’ Constantly looking for people to have sex with is not polyamory. If you are always looking for your next sexual encounter instead of enjoying your poly partners it’s actually a sign of a real problem. It could be sex addiction, low self esteem, a sociopathic issue, daddy issues, etc… Seriously though, if you feel a constant need for sex with strangers you should consider seeing a therapist before pursuing a polyamorous relationship. The same goes for people in a poly family or group. A lot of people could get involved, and it depends on what you decide is acceptable, but at some point enough is enough. It can start looking more like you’re running a cult rather than enjoying a family. Be reasonable. 

This is where polygamy comes into the picture too. Every family is different, but every family should also be discussing how many sister wives is comfortable for everyone. A man can enjoy looking for sister wives very much, but if he’s making his current sister wives miserable he’s not serving his family properly. Polygamy is not a situation in which a man should be taking advantage of women. It’s a situation where a man is building a family with women while loving and respecting them. Any woman that is considering becoming a sister wife should look for early signs of a man that doesn’t treat women with absolute respect. Polygamy dating should offer a chance for everyone in the family to meet new prospects and allow for the whole family to have input on growing the family. 

Every relationship, group, or poly family is going to be unique. Some groups can be happy with very few boundaries, and that’s okay. Most of the time, truthfully, if the situation is too open, someone is getting hurt and just not saying anything. It’s so important to make your relationships something special. Nobody can tell you what to do, but in everything you do, consider the ones you love. Polyamory and polygamy can be rewarding lifestyles, but they can also be very painful if everyone isn’t being honest. Do everything with love and integrity and you’ll at least be on a decent path to a happy poly family. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Imagine a world where plural marriage or relationships are the social norm. Families would consist of multiple people in every household, relationships could be more free to evolve, loneliness would decrease, and even sacrifices made for love would become far less daunting. When considering all of the benefits of a polyamorous lifestyle it’s hard to imagine how it has not been a social norm for centuries already. With a move toward more general acceptance in recent years, polyamory may soon see the day it becomes the standard and the world can be a happier, more fulfilling, place. Monogamy may soon be viewed for what it is. It’s more a form of power plays and control than it is a form of true love. 

The story is all too common. Young boy meets young girl, they fall madly in love, and marriage seems like the logical next step. Monogamous marriage is currently the only socially acceptable way for two people to make their relationship official. Time goes by and the boy and girl become a man and a woman. They don’t hate each other but cannot help feeling like something in life is missing. This feeling builds and builds until they start blaming each other for the things they feel they lack in life. Resentment sets in and their love transforms into indifference, possibly hate, if they do nothing to stop the downhill slide. Divorce becomes the seemingly logical option and the painful process of separating years of a life together begins. Why do people continue doing this to themselves? Why are other options out of the question for so many people?

Imagine the same scenario but in a world where polyamory is the expectation. Marriage still exists but it does not carry the weight of monogamy. This same man and woman could decide to find a sister wife or might meet another couple they could date together. They might form a polygamous family and enjoy a big home full of sister wives or they may simply just date other people together occasionally. The option of dating others separately is also on the table for some. The point is, feeling trapped with one person due to a legal contract isn’t love, it’s control. Control works for a little while. It helps a person feel they can accomplish things because they know what to expect. The problem is that you can’t truly control another person. Attempting to do so leads to misery on both ends. The thought of keeping a husband or wife in your life because leaving you would be difficult for them to accomplish should make you sick to your stomach. Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to believe trapping someone in your life is appropriate and good. Polyamory is the answer to this absurdity. 

Polyamory is empowering. It frees people to seek the meaningful relationships they truly desire. It allows people to find true fulfillment and happiness. Humans love connecting to each other, which polyamory allows us to do indefinitely. The fact that a married woman is viewed critically for going to lunch with a man that is not her husband is proof that monogamy seeks only to control people. When something so basic as a friendship is frowned upon due to a person’s marital status you can rest assured that the current rules of marriage have few altruistic intents. Nothing can compete with the ability to live honestly with the people you love. Why would you want to participate in a monogamous lifestyle when it breeds so much deceit? 

It’s important to remember that being polyamorous or polygamous does not mean one lacks the ability to commit. It does not mean people are being selfish or greedy either. It’s simply agreeing to the fact that monogamy is not natural for humans, and it’s opening up to forming relationships that reflect the deeper connections humans can have with multiple people. It’s accepting that just because your partner got wrapped up in a moment and shared a kiss with someone else, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you deeply. Opening the door to allow for and share these experiences with each other should help you grow closer, instead of driving you apart. Giving your lovers the ability to live their life with real intent gives them the space to truly know themselves and the ability to give even more to the relationship. One could argue that monogamy hardly represents true love at all. It’s essentially a business agreement in many cases. 

Anyone that has any inkling of interest in polygamy or polyamory should explore the option without question. If you’ve had any fantasy of becoming a sister wife or dating a couple, try it. As long as you find people that actually suit you, chances are you will find happiness and fulfillment like you thought might be impossible. The more people the better. Power in numbers means polyamorous and polygamous people should be recruiting others to explore the idea. Of course, the poly life isn’t for everyone, but the number of lives and marriages that can be saved by polyamory is staggering. Throwing down the shackles of traditional marriage is the answer to so many problems in so many lives and there are plenty of online resources to explore poly and polygamy dating that allow for you to take your time. Making polyamory a normal and widely accepted option will only make the world a better place for us all.     

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

The life of polygamy, or polyamory, comes with many quirks along with its many benefits. Day to day, as your relationships grow in size and strength, you’ll find yourself in little situations you may have never expected. From sleeping arrangements to table settings, the unique approaches each relationship employs as solutions create one-of-a-kind lives to enjoy together. Every day cannot be a cake walk. Sometimes you just want to relax and be normal. Embracing your weirdness and rejecting the stress it can bring will keep you, and your loved ones, as the individuals you’re meant to be. If you’re new to polyamory, or only considering the option, here are a few things to expect along the way. 

Did I mention sleeping arrangements? Yeah, this one can be very creative for poly groups or families. There may be core relationships involved or fully autonomous situations. Polygamist families with a patriarchal core, in which multiple heterosexual women are committed to one man, have to take turns with their husband. If you plan to become a sister wife it’s important that a family you’re interested in joining is the right fit for you. Two couples that decide to form a poly relationship may keep separate homes entirely. It’s important to consider what living and sleeping arrangements will work for you before getting too involved in a situation that will leave you feeling cold. If you’re a single person that begins dating a couple you can’t make assumptions on the direction it may go. Ask them! Most people interested in poly or polygamy dating are perfectly comfortable telling potential partners what they’re interested in, or open to. Don’t bend too far toward their expectations and away from your own. Spend more time finding people that fit you. 

Shifting sexual boundaries are also more prominent in polyamorous relationships. The very nature of polygamy or polyamory already requires some thinking outside of the box, so interest in sexual exploration often comes with the territory. It’s possible to remain very conservative but important not to enforce unwanted restraints on any of your partners. Keeping an open mind and open conversation will keep relationships happier and healthier in the long run. If you have personal boundaries that simply cannot be tested don’t wait until you’re heavily involved with a relationship before expressing your feelings. There are no rules except for the rules you and your partners agree to. Be ready to encounter anything, and be respectful, while asserting what is right, or wrong, for you. Being poly doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your standards but it does mean you should be respectful of others curiosities. 

Finances are a bit more complicated for polyamorous relationships as well. Five people sharing one bank account sounds confusing, and maybe even dangerous. A lot of people, even monogamous people, prefer to keep their finances separate nowadays. Either way, sharing of finances in various forms might come up so it’s best to develop your preferences early so you know how much sharing is comfortable for you. Five incomes under one roof can be a beautiful thing, but one bad apple can ruin it for everyone. Keep an eye out for overspenders or people that are misleading about their net worth. Two unemployed grifters under your roof is no way to enjoy a poly life. 

Presenting your poly relationship to the world around you can also be tricky. One general rule to follow is actually a simple fact, your relationship is ultimately nobody’s business but your own. There is no shame in saying you’re just friends to people you know will not be supportive. Don’t feed their ignorance and give them a reason to make your life difficult. Five people checking into one hotel room might cost a little extra, but you owe no explanation to the front desk. Ordering a table for five on Valentines day might raise a few eyebrows, but it’s none of your business what other people think of you, just like it’s none of their business that you’re on a date with multiple people. A woman doesn’t become a sister wife, and nobody practice’s polyamory, for the entertainment of others. Validation can be a very nice thing but learning to let go of the need for it is even better. Otherwise you find yourself seeking it all the time. Enjoy your poly date and the beautiful world you’ve built for yourself. Let the rest of the world do their own thing.

When you join a polygamist family or find a polyamorous relationship you make a choice to walk to the beat of your own drum. Shedding the constraints and standards society set up for everyone will lead to a few difficult situations. People that are gatekeepers feel a strong need to enforce what they believe is the correct way to live and love. Gatekeepers do not like change or opposition. They have been fighting against anything but the ‘nuclear family’ for centuries even though there is absolutely nothing to suggest monogamy is even a healthy way to live. Knowing you’ve made the choices that are right for yourself, and that you’re building a life to make yourself happy, will pay off eventually. Don’t get discouraged and give up on the poly life. Even if your table for five needs to only be at home for a while, you will find your flow and the world outside will eventually lose its daunting edge. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

Living with intent has been a popular buzz phrase lately. It means to do everything to the best of your ability and on purpose. Taking control of your life like this is not always easy, but it leads to a life you actually wanted rather than a life dealt to you by random circumstances. Within a relationship intent can benefit you in two ways. Not only can you create the relationship you truly desire, you can also more easily translate the actions of your lovers. When approaching living with intent one shouldn’t neglect to consider the intents of others. The ability to spot someone with ill intent toward you, or a person that has none of your best interests in mind, will save you from heaps of trouble. When you have multiple romantic partners, or members of your poly group or family, intent can be a little complicated at times. Here are some ways to keep yourself and your loved ones on the right track. 

Rejecting thougthless behavior is one of the most basic rules when dealing with anyone, lover or not. Treating others as you’d like to be treated is not a new concept. It’s one of the most enduring methods to build a better life we know. When you’re dating a potential new polyamorous lover, or dating a potential sister wife to join your polygamous family, it’s best to avoid anyone that seems to dismiss this golden rule. Yes, the catty comments or funny antics of someone with little consideration for others can be entertaining, but consider this behavior in a long term situation. Does this person truly have ill intentions or lack empathy? If they really are so apathetic, or selfish, one could never expect them to be a reliable partner or benefit to a family. Spotting this type will keep you from bad situations and further you along the path of living a happy life. 

Making it a point to avoid laziness every day is another way to live a life full of purpose. We all have those days we know absolutely nothing is going to get done. It’s human. Purposely minimizing those days will keep you much happier in life. Think about it. Those days are usually a result of questionable behavior. Drinking too much, staying up too late, not eating well, or spending too much energy on things that serve too small of a purpose. Wasting time leads to exponentially wasting more time. This all can lead to something far worse than just some unhappy days, it can eventually lead to depression. Polyamorous and polygamous people have a special advantage in having multiple partners to turn to for help. Never shy away from a conversation about wanting to find more purpose, or living with more intent, from a lover. Also don’t be too shy to discuss this with lovers about yourself. They can help you discover purpose, or maybe even join you on an endeavor that will give you both even more in life to share. 

The entire point of dating, whether its polygamy dating, poly dating, monogamous dating, or whatever you choose, is to seek more from life through a relationship with other people. Consider how unfortunate it can be when a person dates with no intent beyond finding anyone that will take them. This is why knowing ourselves, and being clear about our intentions, is so important. Too many people are marrying whomever makes them feel good rather than considering all of the forces that are bringing them together. Is this person helping you blossom in your career or are they getting your bills paid? Do they make your parents happy, or do they make you happy? It’s very easy to take the easy routes in life, but it also, most often, leads to a life of trouble finding your own purpose and voice. For existing couples or families it’s equally important to avoid these people. Don’t bring a woman into your family just because she wants to be a sister wife. Bring her in because she will make a great sister wife and will be a benefit to the family. It sounds a little crude, but in the long run it’s better for you and her both. Same goes for any poly groups or families. Watch out for people that are serving the wrong interests in their own life. 

Once your family or group are moving along nicely and everyone is living with the best intents they know of at their respective points in life, it’s important to focus on maintenance. People change, relationships evolve, and regular maintenance is not a thing to ignore. Waiting for a disaster instead of preventive care is never a good idea. It’s like waiting until the dishes are piled to the ceiling instead of cleaning as you go. You’ll want to just sell the house instead of all that cleaning. Keeping up with each others personal lives and monitoring each other a little can help everyone keep evolving in healthy ways. If you notice a sister wife or partner making the couch the center of their life maybe come up with a project you can both work on. Sometimes you can pull someone out of a slump without going into details they are processing in their own minds by just getting them to join you for something else. You could also annoy them, so be gentle. However, if a partner or sister wife starts to push everyone away, it’s time for some tough love. Inconsiderate and careless behavior can’t be accepted in any long term sense. Once a person starts showing you they have no good intentions with you, there are few choices. They can either get themselves back into a better mindset or they need to be on their way. The same goes for you. You don’t have to love everyone or everything all the time, but once you have nothing good to offer you need to figure out a different path in life. Good will and good intentions work hand in hand and are the result of a person making an effort to be their best. 

It’s far too easy to get in a slump. When all of your good efforts seem to be going nowhere it’s easy to assume nothing is worth it. Relationships that only fill a hole are easy to find and too many people seem content living in the private little hell they’ve built. When you commit to living with intent, and to helping your lovers do the same, you’ll find how easy it really can be. The imperfections in life become smaller, disappointment becomes a little speed bump, and your lovers can grow closer. Having a polygamous family, or polyamorous group, to lean on makes a life with purpose so much easier to attain it would be silly not to try. Keep your thoughts positive and pure, your actions full of purpose, and you’ll find the entire world around you will become a brighter place for you and all your loves to enjoy.    

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc:

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